Beliefnet
Make Your Relationship Work

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We’ve all seen them. The guy who walks up to the podium and not only grabs the whole country’s attention, but captivates them. He goes on to become the President. George Clooney stars in a crappy movie, but sells it so well we not only believe it’s real, but the female audience swoons with excitement just hearing his name.

What makes these men so different and special compared to the millions of other men out there who can’t even accomplish feats that are much smaller? The answer is CONFIDENCE!

Confident men aren’t afraid to walk into a room and demand the attention from not only his peers but also women. He doesn’t rush when he walks, or disappear into a corner like men who are afraid to be noticed often do. He says hi to everybody he sees while wearing a nice smile on his face. He shakes everybody’s hand and has a conversation like he’s known them for years. His posture is always straight; his shoulders are never hunched over.

You will never see him out and about wearing worn out and stained clothes such as jogging pants and t-shirts. Of course, if he sees an attractive woman he’s interested in, he will have the confidence to talk to her. And if she rejects him he will just politely say, “No problem,” or respectfully excuse himself without name-calling or anger.

The confident man is never affected by what others think, and is so secure in himself and his abilities that others believe in them, too, even if it isn’t true.

But while many men can be super-confident in many areas of their life and in many social settings, they may be weak or have zero confidence in other areas. Some men may be able to put on a power suit, walk into a meeting, and gain the attention and trust from executives and investors as easily as David Copperfield can pass through walls. Now put that same man into a social setting where there’s attractive women around, and he might possibly crawl into a corner, curl into the fetal position and cry and sniffle worse than a baby in diapers.

Talking to a woman takes truckloads of confidence. Unlike other types of confidence, it’s almost impossible to fake. Friends, family and attractive women might wonder why these handsome, well-dressed, successful men excel at everything except finding a date. On the outside, they might look like the type of guy that could have any woman he wants – but on the inside he could be an emotional wreck. He could be feeling like he’s a failure and less of a man, and women don’t find him attractive. He most likely feels lonely and upset that he can’t seem to get a date like many of his counterparts who may not even be half as attractive or successful. This all leads to depression and an increase in social anxiety as the years go on.

While growing up, there are many environmental factors that can lead to social anxiety such as family values, religion and getting picked on by friends and strangers. As we get older, we tend to carry these negative experiences into adulthood until they accumulate and eventually paralyze us mentally.

Before you attempt to overcome social anxiety, you must first understand that we tend to be much harder on ourselves than others usually are. Many people are so worried about what others think of them that you could be standing there in a burlap sack and others would barely notice, forget judging you.

There are many books and videos available on the subject of gaining confidence available on Amazon. In fact the market for this is so huge that the amount of books available can be overwhelming. One of my favorite books on this subject is called How to Overcome Shyness: 51 Tips on How to Overcome Shyness, Public Speaking Anxiety, Social Anxiety, and a Plan for Building Confidence in Yourself, by Robert Kuhns. This book offers great tips that are straight to the point with no fluff. You can look through it daily without having to spend a lot of time finding what you want in it.

Men who can’t get over issues pertaining to lack of confidence or anger over it, should seek out proper help from a counselor who treats social anxiety.

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In the jungle, the lion isn’t the biggest, strongest, or fastest – but when he roars, you better believe that every other animal in the jungle stands up and takes notice. When the lion does this, he’s got one goal and one goal only: to establish dominance.

Humans, on the other hand, don’t roar, and the act of accomplishing goals are much more complex. You may not be the richest, smartest or most experienced person in the world. Instead, you must be the most focused, persistent and stubborn in order to dominate in a world full of hungry lions.

Daydreaming is a great way to start on your path of achieving goals. Not only is daydreaming great for visualizing your goals it can also be very healthy for you mentally.

Daydreaming can be a great way to escape the hardships of everyday life such as unemployment, poverty, and lack of family support. It allows you to imagine what it would be like to achieve your hopes and dreams, and keeps you from giving up on pursuing them.

Like the lion in the jungle, you must have laser-like focus. You must focus on your target, and not let any outside distractions stop you from achieving your goals. There will always going to be conditions that are going to make it tough to focus. Work, school, kids, and factors outside our control can all sabotage a well-laid out plan. It’s important to focus on what we can control and not be stopped by what we can’t.

Persistence is the most important quality to have at all. Plan an attack to conquer it and be persistent even if you fail the first attempt. There are going to be times when you’re stomped to the ground, dragged through the mud and left for dead. Life is an adventure filled with successes and failures. The only difference between the winners and loser is that the winners planned their path of attack and never gave up.

Don’t be afraid of life just because things are tough or certain dreams seem impossible. Take each goal and break it up into smaller pieces so that you can accomplish each one until they add up to big accomplishments. Go out there, learn new things and don’t be afraid to fail.

Eventually you will succeed, and when you do there won’t be anything left to stop you.

Be a lion and take control.

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Breaking up is like a root canal for all those involved. Painful at first and then you go numb. Unfortunately, many questions can dog a process like this and many things can go unexpectedly wrong. Naturally, it is difficult to predict how your soon-to-be ex is going to take the news that you want out of the relationship, but if you watch out, you can lay a lot of the groundwork to ensure that neither of you leaves more scarred or furious than is strictly necessay. No matter what, your ex will be unhappy about being dumped, but you can make sure you don’t forget that you loved this person at one point in time (or thought you did) and that what goes around, comes around.

Do it in person

Like Carrie Bradshaw says in Sex and the City – it is rude to break up on a post-it. Even for those among us who are not total cowards, the temptation to break up while your significant other is away on holiday or a business trip, can be considerable. Whether it is an instinctive dislike of scenes, the desire to duck responsibility, or just being too soft-hearted to give people bad news, if you choose to break up by email or even the phone, you’re a marked person. You are seen as unfeeling and disrespecting of the relationship that, for better or worse, you did put something into. You’re a dog for shirking the decent course of action.

Be direct, quick, and firm

The other tempting device is to try and do things indirectly, beat around the bush and use phrases like “slow things down” or “take a break,” when what you really mean is “I’m through and you should be too.” You prolong your own misery and that of the other person by not being upfront. Are you afraid they will take it too hard or create a scene? Softening the blow by making it uncertain is patronizing at best and, at worst, stringing the other person along. Also, don’t drag the conversation out to prepare the person-just come straight to the point so they don’t sit there wondering who died. If your partner is the kind of person who can be manipulative, then be sure to come mentally prepared to hold you ground. If you’re certain that you do not want to “try” to make it work, then firmly deflect such suggestions.

Deal with the logistics

Whether you share a bank account, a dog, a lease, friends, or more vaguely-demarcated things, such as jointly bought books, music, and art-set a date to decide on who gets what and how the division is to proceed. Don’t insist on doing it right then; the other person needs time to absorb what is happening. Also, they might suspect you of trying to bamboozle them while they’re still reeling, since you’ve presumably had the time to think about how to make the break-up work for you. Each of you should come to the division-of-spoils meeting with a list of expectations of what you would like, what you’re willing to give up, what can be negotiated, and the like. If you share a lot of things, you might want an arbitrator. This may sound cold or conniving. In reality, it is very smart and sensible because too many people express all their resentment and anger while dividing up property. The issue of shared friends is much stickier and one that will need a few discreet conversations all around, as well as a deal of honor that neither of you will try to involve innocent bystanders. If there are fewer opportunities to get nasty, neither of you will do so and the break-up can remain fairly civil.

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Recently, a friend of mine went out and bought over two thousands dollars worth of speakers and audio equipment to hook up to his sixty-inch television. As soon as you walk into the place, all you see is motion picture, and your hear booming sounds coming from all directions. You’d think you were at Cinemark theatres. He gloated while demonstrating and explaining to me all the fancy stuff his new equipment could do.

After his little gloating session, we proceeded to his garage so he could get his bicycle and we could go for a ride, which was the reason for my visit. Whenever we go bike riding, we use that time to discuss various things and reflect upon things that we’ve done. No topic is off-limits, and they can range from business all the way to simple things, such as bicycles. This topic came up because his derailer continued to skip halfway through the seven mile trip we were making to this burger restaurant. Finally, after many tries, he was able to set it to a gear that was comfortable to ride up and down hills and not cause any skipping.

Upon arriving at the restaurant and ordering my food, he looked over at my bike and asked me how I could possibly ride faster than him when my bike has no gears. The answer was simple. My bike is like everything else I have in my life, SIMPLE. Instead of paying more for things such as gears and extra components, I put a little extra into buying a lighter frame and only the bare minimum necessary to meet my needs: an in-between gear ratio, one brake and lightweight tires. Not only did I pay half as much as he had, but my bike weighs half the amount, too. The maintenance is also cheaper, seeing as I don’t have to shift my gears up and down after stopping at every intersection, which would cause the gears to wear out.

More complexity causes more problems

K.I.S.S, known as keep it simple stupid, is a motto that I love to live by. I’ve seen many people buy complicated electronics – and in this case bicycles – only to not have a clue as to how to operate them. My friend’s neighbor has gone riding with us a few times and has one of those fancy road bikes with all the gears. You can tell he has no idea what he’s doing by the way he randomly shifts gears and complains that he has no clue as to what gear it’s in. Anything that has less to it is easier to operate and has less of a chance to break down. Sales people in the store always try to sell you more than you need by impressing you with all the bells and whistles – but you have to ask yourself something each time. Will I ever use any of this stuff, and is it worth the cost? Many times the answer is no.

Advantages to keeping things simple

By keeping things simple, you will not only have to work less due to the fact that you will cut down on spending, but you can use that money to save for things that really mean something. You can take the family on nice trip, or bring the wife out to a fancy dinner. The benefit is that you can spend more time with the family and less time working your life away. Life is too short to just spend it working for stuff that adds no value to your life at all.