(SCENE: A large church, decorated for a wedding. Most of the guests are seated and await the beginning of the ceremony. In a corner away from the crowd stand GEMINI, VIRGO, and PISCES. GEMINI is in a wedding dress, and the other two are in bridesmaid’s dresses.)
ANNOUNCER: (voice off) Next on The Astrology Channel, it’s REAL HOUSEWIVES OF THE MUTABLE SIGNS! This week, the ladies are helping Gemini prepare for her big moment…
VIRGO: You know, Gemini, he’s all wrong for you! You really should think this through better.
GEMINI: Oh Virgo… he’s at least partly right! I mean, sure he’s got his issues, but I’m not getting any younger! Besides, everyone loves an excuse for a party. I could list off several reasons why this is a great idea!
VIRGO: That’s what you said the LAST four times.
PISCES: (Sobbing quietly into her handkerchief) This is so beautiful…
GEMINI: Oh, stop crying Pisces. The ceremony isn’t for another half hour yet.
VIRGO: I swear you haven’t thought this thing through. Are you sure you aren’t doing this to compete with the number of marriages Sagittarius has had? Hey, where did Sagittarius go?
GEMINI: Some idiot opened the bar before the ceremony!
(In the distance we hear a woman’s voice shouting “Yeee-HA!” as if she were competing in a rodeo.)
VIRGO: Sagittarius, get down from there! No pole dancing until the reception!
GEMINI: Seriously, Virgo… he’s a great guy, I love him, and I could do plenty worse. Besides… his family is paying for this beautiful ceremony!
PISCES: (Still crying) Love is soooo beautiful…
GEMINI: Cut that out Pisces. Besides, if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. (shrugs) Life’s like that. I can’t believe you’re being so analytical about something like a wedding. It’s just not the time or place.
VIRGO: Speaking of “not the time or place,” where’s…
(There is a loud sound of crashing glass in the distance, and several unseen wedding guests gasp loudly. This is followed by another loud, prolonged “Yeee-HA!”)
VIRGO: That chandelier is rented, Sagittarius! Get down from there!
GEMINI: Besides, if things don’t work out with me and Chet… there’s always Steve. He called last night, did I tell you? He said he’s finally getting divorced!
(In the distance, a woman shouts “giddy up!”)
VIRGO: Sagittarius, stop it! that’s Pisces’ boyfriend! Get off of him!
PISCES: (Sniffling) Oh dammit… now I hate weddings! (Begins to sob uncontrollably)
GEMINI: (To Virgo) Okay, enough of this crap. I’m bored now. Hey, wanna go hang out with Steve for a while…?
(This is part of the “Ask An Astrologer” series, where I occasionally try to demonstrate how getting a consultation can genuinely help and provide real guidance, using real-life examples. Want to find out for yourself? There’s a link to my e-mail at the bottom of this blog entry. Write me… and don’t be afraid to ask for my best rate, either).
“Can I please get a free sample reading? Thanks!”
First of all: thanks for writing! Looking at my Google Analytics each month shows people read my stuff… but actually being compelled to write me about it? that means something.
Have you ever gotten a free sample of something from the supermarket? You know: there’s someone there with a tray asking you if you’d like to try Sunny Leone’s new and improved pizza rolls (or whatever). Personally, I love that sort of thing. Go to the store on the right day and you can almost assemble a free meal out of that sort of thing. And of course Mama Leone wins too, because quite often you’ll end up buying a whole package of those pizza rolls. Frankly I’d love it if I could market my services that way. Unfortunately I can’t for a couple of very good reasons.
First of all: readings are not a uniform product cranked out by a factory. The reason the free samples at the supermarket work is because there’s a freezer full of packages of Sunny Leone’s pizza rolls ready for people to buy and take home.
Just as no two people or to birth charts are exactly alike, neither are two readings. Doing a proper reading for someone is not simply a matter of grabbing the next package off the shelf. Doing a proper free reading sample for someone would be, if you’ll forgive the analogy, more like a surgeon who sits down and talks to you and does some tests and reads some X-rays and then wheels you into surgery with an anesthetist… and then only takes out 10% of your tumor and asked if you’d like to pay to have the rest of it removed.
There are places and people on the internet that offer free readings. In my experience these invariably fall into one of two categories: a computer-generated report that has none of the skill and new ones that are proper reading from a proper astrologer would give you… or, frankly, a bunch of generic nonsense designed to either flatter or frighten you into sending money.
Here is an example of a free computer generated reading, based on my own birth chart:
You appear gentle and soft, and you act rather reserved with others until you know them well and feel it is safe to be open with them. You have a strong need for emotional security and a sense of belonging, and are deeply attached to the past: your heritage, roots, family, cherished friends, familiar places, etc. Making radical changes or moves away from what is known and safe can be very painful and difficult for you. You tend to cling and hold on to people, memories, possessions of personal or sentimental significance. Having a home, a safe haven, is very important to you.
Sun in Sagittarius:
You are a gambler and an adventurer at heart, one who loves to take risks, to discover and explore new worlds, and to take the untried path rather than the safe, reliable one. You are an independent soul, freedom-loving, and often very restless. You need a lifestyle that provides opportunities for travel, movement, change, and meeting new people. A steady routine which offers much in the way of security but little in the way of space and freedom is odious to you.
Wow… both highly generic and completely contradictory! That’s some sort of an achievement, isn’t it? Certainly there are worse things though… like this sample of the other kind of free reading that I’ve just more or less made up based on the examples I’ve seen:
“I can see here that you have some questions about your life. The stars are saying you are in a conflicted time: some things are going well for you and some are a concern. BUT I MUST WARN YOU that you are about to be the victim of an affront or an outright attack from an unforeseen source. This will occur within the next month. Send me a payment now and we’ll look into that plus all the other UNFORESEEN PERILS that will face you very soon! Also: FREE WINNING LOTTERY NUMBERS with every reading!”
Well hello, Fraud.
So: as much as I’d like to provide you with a free sample reading, that just isn’t how it works. But if you’re interested in my services? Here are some testimonials. Get back to me if something like that works for you.
Venus entered Sagittarius today and stays there until November 11th. As with all planetary positions, how this affects you will depend on the individual details of your birth chart. Nonetheless, there is also a certain vibe that that comes with any planet in any Sign that tends to hang over us all. Like for example — yes, Venus in Scorpio has a certain serious intensity to it that would have had some effect on your human relations.
Venus in Sagittarius may have a more “light” and “fun” reputation than Venus in Scorpio does, and for many of you that will be a relief. So hey, there couldn’t possibly be a down side to this placement, could there?
Um, well… maybe a sing-along will clear that up.
(To the tune of “Theme From Bonanza”)
In bounced a girl with her hair in a curl – she Saggie!
If she goes home with anyone here
I think it’s gonna be me!
Three drinks in and she’s loaded for sin – that’s Saggie!
A suggestive wink and one more drink
And to my place we go!
Hey she’s gone, left by dawn
After she rocked my world!
I thought we’d wed, where was my head? She’s Saggie!
I should have known my chances were blown
When I told her what to do…
For most astrologers, the bulk of our business comes not from writing, but from doing readings for people. I’ve always had a bit of a problem with that term — “consultations” would be a little more accurate.
“…Choosing Matthew was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made as it pertains to authentic Practical Astrology. Matthew’s expertise is in the 1 percentile because Matthew combines his extensive knowledge of Astrology with his acute and astute intuition; it is razor sharp. Moreover, he is able to employ the practical and useful aspects of the science to ones daily life...
Anyone who has the opportunity to have services rendered to by Mr. Matthew Currie will be well-serviced beyond any expectations. Thank you Matthew for the practical and outstanding information you have sooo generously imparted me. God Bless.”-AP, Atlanta GA
In some ways, getting a reading is a bit like talking to a counselor — yet not. It involves going into detail about your concerns and opportunities (as talking to a counselor does), but in my experience it’s a lot more effective than sitting around a counselor’s office talking for three months with the occasional “tell me more about that” from the person who’s there to help you.
“My reading with you was a real eye-opener. Thank you for the accurate results and the practical guidance.”
Furthermore, a regular counselor doesn’t have access to your transits as an astrologer does. Your transits are what determine the things that are happening to you now, how long the current situation will last, when things will improve, and when opportunities to make things better will arise.
“(Matthew) helped me get past a sticking point in a career situation that was THE piece of the puzzle I was trying to find – not just for this week’s crisis, but perhaps for my entire adult working life. He provided other insights that really made sense, too, as far as my personal life. I would recommend him without hesitation for both the client well versed in astrology lingo and the seeker who isn’t that familiar.”
-RS, New Mexico
We can cover nearly anything, as you know if you’re read my “Ask An Astrologer” series here. Your love life (or lack thereof), your work and career (or lack thereof), children and family relations… pretty much anything you’d like to know about.
“If you’re into astrology and you would like an information packed, interesting, intuitive reading, check out Matthew Currie.”
So: any of that got your attention? Want to see what a reading can do for you? Write me for details!
“I had a reading with Matthew when I was going through my divorce. He was so accurate in his ability to relate a timeline of outcomes and resolutions it was uncanny! I found him to be thorough, courteous and professional but quite down to earth and easy to talk with. I now consult with him when I am facing any major event in my life. He is the most intuitive and compassionate person I have ever met. I am so glad I made that first appointment for a consultation!”
-RS, North Carolina