Learning astrology is all fine and well, but it doesn’t mean a whole lot until one applies it to the human condition. That’s where psychology comes in. Psychology is a complex and challenging way to make a living, and requires years of study and discipline. But as with many things in life, if you learn a bit of jargon it’s easy to fake it. As Cardinal Spencer observed to Pope Pius XIII on The Young Pope, psychology is “the one profession that involves no work and a great deal of money that we let slip through our fingers”).
Likewise, some people are able to bluff their way through being an astrologer. Present yourself as a guru, memorize some buzzwords, and make up some stuff about a few obscure asteroids and you’re halfway there. For example, study the works of Reverend Doctor Guru Onan Gupta to see how it’s done.
Put bad pop psychology and bad astrology together, and you too can become an Astro-Psychologist without any training or talent at all! In fact, I can give you all you need to get started in this one blog entry. Just follow the advice I’ve given you so far, and practice the two easy lessons I’m about to show you. Send me $49.85 and I’ll mail your Doctoral Certificate in Astro-Proctology, suitable for framing or making the banner on your web site!
LESSON ONE – CHANNEL SOME PROFITS!
You aren’t just an astrologer… you’re a psychic clairvoyant channeler! That way, when you either run out of snappy astrological patter or (worst case scenario) are dealing with a client who knows enough astrology to possibly figure out that you’re bluffing, you can suddenly stiffen, roll your eyes skyward, change the tone of your voice, and instantly change the subject by saying something like “Do you have a dead relative whose name started with a consonant… or no, wait, a vowel?” or “Wait… I’m getting a message from a childhood pet…” or the classic “Do you know someone with shoes? Brown shoes? Black shoes? White shoes? Why am I seeing shoes? I think it could be your soul mate, or possibly an assassin who’s looking for you. This could take a while. Do you have more cash?”
LESSON TWO – LEARN THE LANGUAGE!
Pop Psychology boils down to two simple elements: know what’s hot of late in self-help groups on Facebook, and delivering your lines with a straight face. Here are the terms you need to know:
Empath: One who has a high degree of sensitivity and caring to the feelings of others, to the point it can become a problem. If your client is occasionally saddened by ads about abandoned animals or starving children, it’s because they have a unique and wonderful super power. Please note that one of the most common signs that your client is an empath is that he/she is highly responsive to flattery.
Sociopath: Anyone who hurts an empath’s feelings, especially within the context of a romantic relationship. Examples include someone who forgets an anniversary, leaves the toilet seat in the wrong position, forgets to pick something up from the store, or has to be told to pick something up from the store.
Psychopath: Anyone who hurts an empath’s feelings, especially within the context of the breakup of a romantic relationship. Symptoms include having different tastes in movies or TV or music than an empath does, or forgetting to pick something up from the store twice in a row.
Caring and Concerned: What empaths are when they express negative feelings.
Rageaholic: What sociopaths or psychopaths are when they express their negative feelings to an empath.
Gaslighting: An evil form of mind control used by sociopaths or psychopaths to trick an empath into believing something is not true or incorrect. Examples include “You put spyware on my computer? Are you crazy?” or “No, I don’t have to agree with your mother about everything — that would be nuts!”
Indigo Child: The offspring of an empath. An evolved soul who expresses him/herself freely and does not like being disciplined.
Demon Child: The offspring of a sociopath or psychopath. May occasionally require discipline. Inherently inferior to an Indigo Child in every way.
Soulmate: That person you’ve been on three really good dates with.
Twin Flame: That same person after you’ve been in a good relationship for three months.
Satan Incarnate: That same person after you’ve lived with him/her for six months.
Finally, when in doubt: if you are discussing a client’s ex, simply memorize this formula and you are sure to win over a new regular customer:
“Well, no wonder your ex turned out to be <gaslighting rageaholic/Satan Incarnate>… he/she has <Sun Sign> combined with <Moon Sign> and a badly aspected <name of asteroid even most astronomers have never heard of>. That’s exactly the kind of person who thrives on exploiting a caring empath like yourself! You brought cash, right?”
One of the tired-yet-true clichés in astrology is that people with Moon in Sagittarius have a certain dedication to an ideal — a need to “do the right thing.” Another cliché is that they are outspoken, and often don’t care what language they use while being that way. Or, as a Sagittarius like myself might say, “they don’t give a rat’s ass what language they use, they’re just gonna lay the cut straight.”
Adele (born May 5, 1988 in Tottenham, England at (probably) 3:02 AM) has Moon in Sagittarius, and on Sunday evening’s Grammy Awards show, she gave us a double dose of Moon in Sagittarius at its finest, dropping the F Bomb on a live audience of millions around the world after a microphone problem (or was it because she started out singing in the wrong key? Or was it both? It all happened so fast, and even though I was watching I’m not sure).
So Adele “did the right thing,” regardless of appearances or decorum. She swore and started over, because (after all) it was a tribute to the late George Michael (whose death I wrote about HERE). As Adele herself put it at the time, “I can’t mess this up for him.” At the end of the performance, she seemed upset, but the audience loved her all the more for having the integrity to start over. Contrast this with another recent tale of microphone failure and live performance that was handled with significantly less grace, Mariah Carey’s performance on New Year’s Eve.
As far as the evening’s problems for Adele, a lot of it can be blamed on the transiting Moon. At the time of the incident, it was in Virgo, closely square Adele’s natal Moon. That’s the sort of transit that normally an astrologer wouldn’t look at in the course of a reading (it happens twice a month, after all) but transiting Moon square natal Moon is bound to make a person agitated for a stretch of a few hours.
The Moon was also exactly conjunct Adele’s South Node. A lot of astrologers will tell you that the South Node has something to do with “past karma,” and it was at the 2016 Grammys that she also had microphone issues: a microphone fell into the piano and bounced on the strings. Make of this what you will.
Overall though, the transits were more on Adele’s side than against her. The audience loved her performance, and a little under an hour later, she won the award for Song Of The Year, and went on to win Record Of The Year. You go, girl. You f—ing go.
Imagine for a moment you’re an astrologer seated in front of your new clients… a couple who have just recently gotten together, and are still starry-eyed for each other. They want to know if their birth charts have what it takes to make the relationship work. Their names are Paul (08/27/1964, 8:31 AM, Toronto, Canada) and Karla (05/04/1970, 12:20 AM, Port Credit, Canada).
He looks at you with the clear-eyed gaze you’d expect from his Virgo Rising, yet with a certain friendly charm coming from his Jupiter-Ascendant trine. She seems sweet and affectionate… a classic Taurus woman, with the gorgeous cheekbones provided by her Capricorn Rising.
You note that she’s a Taurus and he’s a Virgo… we’re off to a good start. Their moons are conjunct too… and thus your enthusiasm for the compatibility of these two people is starting to increase. You note that her Venus and Mars are in Gemini, whose ruler is in Taurus. His Venus and Mars are conjunct in Cancer… even though there no aspect between his and her conjunctions, this is still good news: they both have high sex drives, and the rulers are well placed.
The more you look at the two charts, the more you notice their synastry has a lot of happy looking trines, and the squares are easily missed in the rush of Young Love sitting before you. Everybody loves that sort of thing. Good looking people, made better looking by the flush of Love. So, perhaps having been made a little cynical about “perfect couples” over the years of your practice, you pull out the composite chart. And you gasp in surprise. What looked good in the synastry looks even better in the composite chart.
“Wow!” you exclaim, “What a composite chart! There’s just so much positive here… where do I start?” More often than not, being an astrologer means delivering tough news to your clients. This reading, however, looks to be one of those cases where the news is overwhelmingly positive. Enthusiastically, you plunge in.
“Well, let’s see… the ruler of your Fourth House is conjunct Pluto, and it’s in the Tenth… you too are going to have a really unusual but fierce sense of family.”
(Paul Bernardo always had a thing for Karla Homolka’s little sister Tammy. Karla didn’t like that, but she loved Paul, so she decided to give Tammy to him as a Christmas present. On December 23, 1990, Karla spiked Tammy’s drink with crushed Valium, and once Tammy went to bed, she helped a little more, pressing a cloth soaked with Halothane to her little sister’s face. They both raped Tammy in the basement, and filmed it. Tammy began vomiting and choked to death on it without regaining consciousness.)
“All those planets in the Eighth House ought to make for an excellent sex life. And the ruler of your Twelfth House is in the Eighth… you two should have a great fondness for “sneaking around’ for secret little rendezvouses …”
(Paul and Karla dressed Tammy’s corpse and put it back to bed, and stayed up vacuuming and doing laundry half the night while Tammy was pronounced dead at the hospital.)
“The Eleventh House ruler is Mercury, which is in turn ruled by the composite Moon in the Eighth House. You two will probably have a lot of fun planning little get-togethers with friends and co-workers.”
(On June 7th, 1991, Karla invited a fifteen year old former co-worker over for a couple of drinks mixed with Halcion. Once the girl had lost consciousness, Karla called Paul to let her know she had a surprise engagement present for him. They both sexually assaulted the unconscious girl, and again videotaped it.)
“Moon in the composite Sixth House means you two should have excellent work habits and ability to plan out and execute projects together.”
(June 15th, 1991: eleven days after her fifteenth birthday, Paul picked up Leslie Mahaffy and drove her back to his house. Karla joined in, and they did the same things — this time holding the girl for about 24 hours before murdering her. The cement block they put her dismembered body into washed up on the shore on June 29th, 1991 — at about the same time Paul and Karla were riding in a horse-drawn carriage at their storybook wedding.)
With Scorpio Rising, and Neptune in the composite First House, you two will have a really “dreamy” effect on people when you show up together. You might be good at a joint sales project, or… with Mercury trine that Neptune… working together to persuade others.”
(April 16, 1991: Paul and Karla abduct Kristen French at knife-point. Same story as before, except this time the rape and torture lasted for three days before Kristen’s murder. Paul and Karla were careful to make sure Kristen was dead in time for them to attend Easter Dinner with their parents.)
The happy couple takes this all in, smiling and nodding. They leave hand in hand, and you smile, pleased that your work is done and you’ve made nice people happy about their lives.
That, and it’s nice to have a break from bad relationships for once.
(In Part One — CLICK HERE for it — I covered some of the general principles of astrology and fertility. This time, we look at some practical application.)
A lot of people have an interest in making a baby. Others, an interest in avoiding making a baby. As we should all remember from Junior High Biology class, following a very few simple rules can help you attain that goal. Of course, making a baby is slightly more complicating than avoiding it — no one needed a cookbook to learn how to not bake a cake, after all.
There are a lot of complicated rules and exceptions in astrology, and doing all the calculations as to when conception could happen is no exception. However, there is at least one astrological technique that holds up pretty consistently that you don’t even need to be an astrologer to use.
Fertility appears to follow two cycles. One is the obvious one: your monthly cycle. If you’re trying to conceive and haven’t been able to for a while, you’ve likely gone through the whole procedure of charting your fertile days, making your man wears boxer shorts, and on and on. Astrologically, there is a second cycle to be aware of.
Have a look at your own birth chart. Note the angle between the Sun and Moon, regardless of the Signs involved. If you have Sun opposition Moon, you were born on a Full Moon. If you have Sun Conjunct Moon, you were born on the New Moon. If you have Sun square Moon, you were born on the half Moon, and so on.
Take that calendar you’ve got with the red check marks on your fertile days and look at the current Moon phase… again, regardless of Sign placement. When the Sun and Moon are about the same distance apart in the sky as they were when you were born, all else being equal, you are more likely to conceive. So if you have Sun sextile Moon in your birth chart, you are most likely to get pregnant if you have sex on a “fertile” day (according to your measurements) which falls four or five days before OR after the Full Moon.
Now: have fun making a baby. And if my advice works for you… Matthew isn’t a bad name for a boy, is it?