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Oh My Stars

matthew currie astrology rapture

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(ATTENTION BELIEFNET EDITORS: please make sure this doesn’t run until after the predicted Rapture (scheduled for this Sunday) happens — that is, if any of you are still here. It would be just plain embarrassing otherwise!)

Dear friends and regular readers:

Part of my job is to predict the future, and usually I get it right. However since I am a mere human being, my track record is not perfect. Thus, I would like to formally apologize to everyone here reading this today. I had assumed that the Rapture which was predicted to occur on September 23rd of this year wasn’t going to happen, as so many other Raptures and/or returns of Jesus have failed to manifest.

I knew of a psychic, one who bills herself as a good Christian, who tried to warn us all about this… and now she is presumably up in the clouds with Jesus, partying with St. Augustine and shouting “so long, suckers!” down at the rest of us. You can always tell that she was a good Christian by how often she told you she was, and about her enthusiasm for posting anything anti-Muslim on her website — in much the same way that you can tell a person is a good vegan by how loudly they shout whenever they see an ad on TV for Burger King.

Like thousands of others on Facebook and Twitter, this Christian psychic (let’s call her “Annie”) posted material claiming that, for astrological reasons, it was more or less obvious that the Biblically-predicted end of the world would begin on September 23rd of this year. Like many who are not as good a Christian as Annie, I dismissed these claims. But apparently the Book of Revelations has a verse in it indicating that this month’s New Moon was clearly indicative that the end of times had arrived. Here is the verse in question:

Revelation 12, verses 1-2 (New International Version)
A great sign appeared in heaven: a woman clothed with the Sun, with the Moon under her feet and a crown of twelve stars on her head. She was pregnant and cried out in pain as she was about to give birth.

And yes, September 23rd did see a New Moon occurring at the “feet” of the constellation Virgo, with the planet Jupiter in roughly the position of Virgo’s womb (denoting “the birth or return of a King), and Virgo was also accompanied by Mercury, Venus, and Mars (which combined with the nine most prominent stars of Leo, kind-of sort-of forms “a crown of twelve stars” on Virgo’s “head.”

Foolish disbelieving me! I ran this configuration through some software and discovered that this particular combination had in fact happened at least four times in the last thousand years. Since Jesus didn’t return on any of those occasions, I naturally assumed that it would be business as usual here on Earth after this New Moon.

Furthermore, I neglected to factor in the role the planet Nibiru would play in all this. I was skeptical. I was disbelieving. I completely dismissed the possibility that the scientifically impossible planet Nibiru would suddenly spring into existence, sweep past the Earth with Jesus writing on it like a cowboy, and scoop up the few good Christians like Psychic Annie and leave the rest of us down here to suffer at the hands of the Antichrist.

Please accept my apology, dear reader. I will gladly answer any and all of your individual questions about this, but not in the next couple of days. Like you and everyone else left behind here, I’m going to be busy looting canned goods, hoarding weapons, and awaiting the mark of the beast — in exactly the same way that I presume you and everyone else out there is doing today.

(ATTENTION BELIEFNET EDITORS: In the event this article is not needed on the 24th, please save it for the predicted Apocalypse of 2022. Hope you are all safe.)

Questions about your birth chart, or astrology in general? Want to know more about my big discount on readings for new clients? Write me for details!

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matthew currie astrology seduce sagittariusReady for an adventure? Then why not try to strap a saddle on a Sagittarius? They have a reputation for being fun and freewheeling and, frankly, to be easier to catch than to keep. Sometimes it’s a matter of getting the Centaur’s attention, and sometimes it’s more a matter of keeping it. Either way, seduction skills (like riding lessons) will do a lot to help you keep you Sag on the trail. Start by reading the introduction to this series, then get ready to play along!

The most important rule? Show up! Ha. Okay, seriously: Sagittarius usually has a hard time hiding its enthusiasms, and if you’re one of those enthusiasms, you likely know it already. Still, no harm in putting some planning into it, is there…?

ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?: Sagittarians are often prone to serious thought and long philosophical digressions, but more often than not it’s accompanied by a firm sense of “fun.” Yes, meeting and mating are serious pursuits, but there’s absolutely no reason why they can’t have a sporting element to them. Or, as a Sagittarius might put it, “yeah I like you babe but lighten up a little, okay pal?” Romance should be fun, shouldn’t it?

YOU’VE CONVINCED ME!: It’s strange but true — you aren’t likely to see this tactic in a typical Harlequin Romance or date movie, but you can often get a Sagittarius to play along with your amorous intent by simply being straightforward about it. After all, if you’ve connected and everyone’s on the same page, what could be more fun than saying something like “hey, you know what would be a blast? If we went and got a motel room now!”

THAT’S INTERESTING. TELL ME MORE!: Some Sagittarians are more talkative than others, but they all tend to be thinkers in one way or another… and if you’ve stumbled onto one of their pet topics, they love nothing better than to go on and on — um, I mean, discuss the matter in further detail. Then feel free to raise some general questions, but not disagree too much. Or, maybe disagree as much as you want — Sag loves a good debate. Debate tonight, seduce later…?

DON’T BE AFRAID TO STRUT: Let’s be honest here: you’re looking for tips on how to seduce a Sagittarius, but you wouldn’t be engaged in such a pursuit unless you knew you had something to offer, right? No need to brag or show off, but be fully aware of what you bring to the table. Sagittarius appreciates a little swagger, and that sort of thing isn’t just for Leos anymore…

Finally, if you want to seduce a Sagittarius there is something you should avoid it all costs. You’ve heard of “horseplay”? Well, horses aren’t so playful when they have a sense that you’re baiting a trap for them. Sagittarius can be is serious and committed is anyone else, but they tend to be a little shy when it comes to signing up for a long-term contract without taking a LOT of test drives. Getting a Sagittarius is one thing, but if you want to keep one long term, don’t mention it on the first date, okay?

Questions about your birth chart, or astrology in general? Want to know more about my big discount on readings for new clients? Write me for details!

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matthew currie astrology seduce a scorpioYes, it’s absolutely true: Scorpio has the reputation for being more about the sex than any other Sign of the Zodiac. Is that a fair characterization, when the other eleven Signs seems pretty fond of it too? Maybe not. But one thing is for sure: few can play their cards closer to the vest when it comes to their feelings than Scorpio can… until they unleash the full force of their hormones, that is. If that sounds like something you want to get in on, follow these instructions (but first, check out the Introduction to this series first by clicking HERE).

ENTERING DEEP HEAD SPACE: Getting close to someone physically includes getting close to them mentally. That can be especially daunting with a Scorpio, because they have a certain appearance of natural aloofness that they use as a highly effective defense mechanism. You’ll need to get in there and find out what makes your Scorpion tick if you want to get The Big Prize.

I’LL SHOW YOU MINE…: This brings us to your mind. Specifically, a Scorpio doesn’t usually want to drop their guard around you unless you’ve done some of the same first. Don’t be surprised if it feels like you aren’t getting a whole lot of information but you yourself are being subjected to a bit of a job interview. It’s okay: your Scorpio is just trying to establish trust, which doesn’t always come easily to them.

YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT: …And just as importantly, Scorpio knows you want it too. Just because this should be an easy thing to negotiate doesn’t mean you should be “easy.” Scorpio likes to be tempted and then have to work for it just a little. You’re worth that, aren’t you? Resistance may be futile, but a bit of it can be pretty alluring.

HEY, LET’S NOT RUSH THIS: You might be in such a rush to bed your Scorpio, and (in combination with that reputation of theirs) you might forget that there’s a person attached to that birth chart. Cuddling? Niceness? Good humor? Yes, Scorpio responds to these things as much as the next guy does. And yes, sometimes during the thrill of the hunt those things can be overlooked.

And finally, if you don’t want to send that Scorpio away, here’s something to avoid: lying like a rug! Okay, sure: everyone wants people to be honest with them, and dating often involves a little… um, salesmanship. But Scorpio has a particular talent for spotting stray lies (even little ones), and there’s no faster way to send a Scorpio away than to make them think you’re trying to pull a fast one on them. Scorpio has a reputation for being “sexy,” but they’re also known for being “really defensive,” and there’s a lot of truth to both of those.

Questions about your birth chart, or astrology in general? Want to know more about my big discount on readings for new clients? Write me for details!

CLICK HERE to join the the NEW Facebook Fan Page, and get exclusive content, an additional discount on a reading, and more material on blog entries!

matthew currie astrology seduce libraLibras have a reputation for being generally nice and pleasant, and for wanting to make their environments and the people in them as comfortable and/or “pretty” as possible. There is a certain amount of truth to that, but never forget that Libras are humans first, and as a result can be just as pushy and obnoxious as anyone else want to comes to getting their way… they’re just usually more charming about it. Want to kick off a relationship with a Libra? Here are some tips, but first read the Introduction to this series

EVERYONE LOVES ROMANCE, BUT SOME MORE THAN OTHERS: Libras are very good at things like dating and romantic gestures (usually), and they seem to especially appreciate it when you go out of your way to do the same for them. Yes, even if it’s a male Libra we’re talking about, this is a man who will probably appreciate it if you buy flowers for him. Don’t be afraid to look like a little bit of a fool for love with Libra.

PICK UP ON THE SIGNALS: Like anyone else, a Libra is an individual with his or her own tastes, style, and desires. Whatever condition your Libra shows up in, it wasn’t an accident. If you find something about your Libras style that you genuinely like, do make sure you mention it. Oh, and do watch those manners at the dinner table, won’t you…?

HOW DO YOU LIKE IT? Yes, a Libra is going to be concerned about your comfort and well-being. The truth is though, sometimes they’re so good at it but they tend to overlook their own. Reward their attentiveness with a bit of your own, and show them that their efforts are welcome and appreciated.

OH, BEHAVE! They say that chivalry is dead. It may not be totally dead, but it’s obvious that it has seen better days. Libras, male or female, and whether they are obvious or not about it, tend to miss that sort of thing. Regardless of who you are or you are intended Libra is, a touch of the “traditional gender roles” every once in a while will probably help your cause.

And finally, if you don’t want to frighten your Libra off, here’s something to completely avoid: don’t get too heavy too quickly. Libras may be “in love with love” but when it comes to actually taking things to quote the next level,” whether that’s a roll in the hay or marriage, they can often get skittish. Make sure you both agree to the terms of the deal before you seal it. Oh, and did I mention the whole “tuck in your shirt/watch your table manners” thing…?

Questions about your birth chart, or astrology in general? Want to know more about my big discount on readings for new clients? Write me for details!

CLICK HERE to join the the NEW Facebook Fan Page, and get exclusive content, an additional discount on a reading, and more material on blog entries!