(Yes, I know. Today was supposed to be the day I ran my big hit piece on crappy New Age practitioners. I felt like writing this instead. You want righteous anger? Come back next time.)

Like many of you, I enjoy some junk food now and again without making a steady diet of it. Thus, in past, I have confessed to enjoying shows like 90 Day Fiance and Married At First Sight. I’ve written about both of these shows and, to summarize? I always thought there was room for an astrology-based “reality” dating series on TV. And you know what they say… be careful what you wish for.

(No matter what transits are happening, how they play out in your life depends on your individual birth chart. Write me with your date, time, and place of birth — and I’ll send you a copy and a free sneak preview!)

A new dating series, Cosmic Love, is set to premiere on Amazon Prime on August 12th. The premise is similar to a lot of similar shows: put young and attractive people together in one location for a couple of weeks and watch them flirt, have sex, fight, have more sex, fight some more, and then… oh, I dunno, get married or something. Cosmic Love is that concept, except this game attempts to hook up partners using astrology. Sounds cool, right?

I’m going to review the trailer for it here and toss out all my various concerns about what I see so far.

First: the astrologers are “The AstroTwins.” I know nothing about how good they are at the job or not, but I’ve seen them around… but their self-promotion game is totally en pointe, so there’s that at least.

Now, the second-by-second breakdown of the trailer (I can’t post a link here, but “Cosmic Love Prime Trailer” is easy enough to find on YouTube, so feel free to watch it and then come back here and play along with my recap!

0:03 “I one hundred percent believe I will find my soulmate through astrology.

Sure, good chance of that. Just keep in mind that “using astrology to find a mate” and “finally finding your soulmate” and “maintaining a relationship” are as different as “buying a cat” and “keeping it fed” and “figuring out how to stop it from shredding the couch.” So, um… good luck anyway…?

0:11 “I am the Astrochamber.”

I admit it. I now have a sudden urge to acquire a costume/set combo so I can do all my readings performing in the calm, measured voice of an Artificial Intelligence, HAL 9000 style! Just imagine the possibilities!

CLIENT: Please, please tell me my wife is going to come back!
ME: I’m sorry Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that.
CLIENT: What’s the problem?
ME: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.

00:15 “…using their astrological birth charts.”

Well, okay, hopefully, we get past Sun Signs. But note the graphics: the picture I posted with this blog entry. Take a good look at it. Notice anything?

Yup. All the Signs are sorted by element and not in order. Also, for bonus points: note the rulers of each Sign is shown, but apparently, Leo doesn’t get one. That seems a bit rude, especially given that the show’s release date is a Leo. Also: bit of an odd choice there, using the traditional rulers for some Signs but the modern ruler for others. Something tells me that whoever’s in charge of the graphics department for this show knows a LOT more about Adobe After Effects than Astrology.

0:20 “Cheers!”

Regardless of the astrology, this show knows what really fuels dating shows like this: lots of booze.

0:33 “I’m a Pisces, but I’m just gonna go with my gut.”

Just gonna leave that out there in case any of you Pisces can explain what the heck “I’m a Pisces, but I’m just gonna go with my gut” means, exactly.

036: “He’s a water Sign. As far as romantically? Eh, no.”

And here we go. Our first incidence of “Unfair Sun Sign stereotyping” or “USSS” as I think of it. Seriously, we astrologers need to do a bit more educating, I think.

0:43 “Is he one of your astrologically perfect matches?”

Holding out for an “astrologically perfect match” pretty much guarantees a relationship-free life. But, you do you!

0:53 “Don’t mess with a Leo.”

Yeah. Or you might hear about it. ON TELEVISION! (dramatic music plays)

0:57 “Fellow Capricorns, I understand them!”

Great. Good to know all Capricorns are exactly the same. So… maybe you can translate Capricorn for the rest of us…? Like, maybe you could explain how you thought bossing a Capricorn into kissing you (even if you are one yourself) was supposed to work?

1:06 – 1:08 “Scorpio season”

Sure. Because Scorpio cuts through all the hasty cliches and commences having sex and/or murdering people when the Sun is in Scorpio… so the rest of us can too!

***

The remainder of the trailer consists of the usual heavily-edited and (almost certainly somewhat prompted by the producers) “will they or won’t they?” sort of dating show shtick… no astrology required.

So: is there a chance Cosmic Love could actually broaden people’s perspectives about astrology, even a little? Well… maybe. We can hope. But hey: it’s still typical garbage junk food reality TV dating stuff, so of course… I’ll be watching.

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