It never ceases to amaze me how well astrology works… not just when it comes to predicting future trends and the course of relationships and such, but for everything.

Case in point: last night after church services (which in my case, means watching whatever iteration of the 90 Day Fiance franchise is invading my screen at the time. I found myself craving something sugary, in much the same way that people often crave a cigarette after really good sex.

(No matter what transits are happening, how they play out in your life depends on your individual birth chart. Write me with your date, time, and place of birth — and I’ll send you a copy and a free sneak preview!)

(Yes, I just compared 90 Day Fiance to a church. Occasionally infuriating, often a stretch to credulity, and irrational — yet strangely compelling. Make of this what you will).

There didn’t seem to be anything in the kitchen, and I didn’t feel like going out. Fortunately (or so I thought at the time) I found a package of hot chocolate cartridges for one of those really bad for the environment (but really cool) single-use cartridge coffee makers I recently inherited from a neighbor.

(An aside: this is a great coffee machine. Kind of expensive for just a cup of coffee, but the pre-loaded cartridges make a pretty good cappuccino, without the hassle of actually buying a proper cappuccino machine and then doing all the work of foaming it up, et cetera.)

So I had a hot chocolate, followed in short order by a second one. After about twenty minutes, I began to notice certain digestive after-effects. Without going into graphic detail… I got sick as a dog.

Between trips to the bathroom, I decided to check out the cartridge for an expiry date. Sure enough… I had never noticed this before, but there was in fact an expiry date in tiny, obscure print on the packaging. In between bouts of emesis, I read the manufacture date of those cartridges (also inherited from the neighbor). and work out a “birth chart” for them.

We were definitely not compatible.

Hot Chocolate cartridge, date of birth: March 7, 2007, time unknown, Don Mills, Ontario, Canada.

So here’s how that cartridge’s “birth chart” interacted with mine, in terms of our “relationship”:

-The cartridge had Sun-Uranus-North Node conjunct in Pisces… conjunct my Saturn, squaring my Sun and opposing my natal Uranus-Pluto conjunction. This also squares its own Jupiter (good times), which in turn conjuncts my Sun (leading to excess). The Sun in my birth chart is in the 6th House, ruling health matters.

-Its Venus (sweets) squares my Moon, Ascendant, and Mars.

-Mercury and Neptune are conjunct in its chart, and are square my natal Neptune (Neptune rules, among other things, poisons). And of course, Neptune also implies the lack of realism required to completely ignore expiry dates just because you’re jonesing for sugar.

-The cartridge’s Saturn squares my natal Neptune, and its Pluto opposes my Jupiter. In other words? It pierced my illusion of delight and made me really, really regretful and unhappy.

***

So, two important lessons here:

1) The universal forces responsible for Astrology… whatever those may be… clearly have implications far beyond the petty details of one’s love life or finances. One way or another… it really does seem that everyone (and everything) is, in fact, connected. Deeply and profoundly so.

2) Always read the damned label.

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