Who I used to be was scared. I was scared to eat too much, drink too much, think too much, not be enough, not do enough, that I wouldn’t get enough, but I’d gain too much weight. It’s that “not being enough, but yet too much” syndrome. It boils down to self-worth and being good enough. It’s been one of my greatest lessons. I was so afraid to hurt people’s feelings or make them mad. I was paranoid. I was scared. I was scared I wouldn’t be loved, accepted, approved of, validated, seen, heard, or definitely did not feel I’d be understood. I felt embarrassed on a constant basis.
The feeling of being rejected just made me want to hide. Being rejected by anyone or feeling like something about me was rejected, like even my ideas were tiny little deaths in my psyche. I thought my soul would be a little broken forever. That some people are born a little on the damaged goods side, like a chip in the veneer, a screw loose, lopsided, or missing a part or maybe had a extra piece. But something was different.
If I made a mistake or felt like I was wrong, I was in a panic. Heart racing, feeling I must sacrifice literally the depths of my being to save face, my reputation, my ego, my sweetness, my something. This people pleasing behavior made me feel like an energy contortionists who felt overwhelmed in crowds only to leave feeling empty. I felt full when I was loved, but if not, I was vacant. I didn’t know my inner light was always on.
I wanted to turn off my emotions and wanted to be numb. I loved when I felt happy, but inevitably the bad feeling I felt about myself resurfaced. I couldn’t hide from myself for long. I wished I was different. I wanted to feel the peace I knew the end of my life would bring, but wasn’t at that suicidal place I was as a teen, because of my children. I did feel despair though. I climbed out of the dark place a few times. But I felt like my mistakes and shortcomings took points away from my value daily.
Was there one single turning point? There have been many. I think everyday is turning you in a new direction if you’re aware, as it guides you towards what you want, by what you’re feeling. It lets you know you’re mindset.
Developing my healthy sense of self came through my spirituality. It is a mind-body-spirit journey truly. I read books and wanted to will myself to change. Like with anything it takes time, practice, and focus. That’s what I did.
Life is not meant to be endured. Life shouldn’t suck. You don’t have to be a victim. You don’t have to believe your own thoughts if they are causing you pain and creating more of what you don’t want. Look to fill your mind with a different kind of thinking. Successful people have success thinking. Peaceful people have peace thinking. Happy people have happy thinking. It’s not by accident. Some people may start out with “better” circumstances, but if you use that as an excuse that you can’t have the life you want, you are the only one stopping you. You are in charge of steering, you can take that wheel and move onto a new path. You have the power to change your life. You just have to decide it is possible.