Sassy Spirit

Sassy Spirit

Who I used to be

posted by jperry

Who I used to be was scared. I was scared to eat too much, drink too much, think too much, not be enough, not do enough, that I wouldn’t get enough, but I’d gain too much weight. It’s that “not being enough, but yet too much” syndrome.  It boils down to self-worth and being good enough. It’s been one of my greatest lessons. I was so afraid to hurt people’s feelings or make them mad. I was paranoid. I was scared. I was scared I wouldn’t be loved, accepted, approved of, validated, seen, heard, or definitely did not feel I’d be understood. I felt embarrassed on a constant basis.

The feeling of being rejected just made me want to hide. Being rejected by anyone or feeling like something about me was rejected, like even my ideas were tiny little deaths in my psyche. I thought my soul would be a little broken forever. That some people are born a little on the damaged goods side, like a chip in the veneer, a screw loose, lopsided, or missing a part or maybe had a extra piece. But something was different.

If I made a mistake or felt like I was wrong, I was in a panic.  Heart racing, feeling I must sacrifice literally the depths of my being to save face, my reputation, my ego, my sweetness, my something.  This people pleasing behavior made me feel like an energy contortionists who felt overwhelmed in crowds only to leave feeling empty.  I felt full when I was loved, but if not, I was vacant.  I didn’t know my inner light was always on.

I wanted to turn off my emotions and wanted to be numb.  I loved when I felt happy, but inevitably the bad feeling I felt about myself resurfaced. I couldn’t hide from myself for long.  I wished I was different.  I wanted to feel the peace I knew the end of my life would bring, but wasn’t at that suicidal place I was as a teen, because of my children.  I did feel despair though.  I climbed out of the dark place a few times.  But I felt like my mistakes and shortcomings took points away from my value daily.

Was there one single turning point?  There have been many.  I think everyday is turning you in a new direction if you’re aware, as it guides you towards what you want, by what you’re feeling.  It lets you know you’re mindset.

Developing my healthy sense of self came through my spirituality.  It is a mind-body-spirit journey truly.  I read books and wanted to will myself to change.  Like with anything it takes time, practice, and focus.  That’s what I did.

Life is not meant to be endured.   Life shouldn’t suck.  You don’t have to be a victim.  You don’t have to believe your own thoughts if they are causing you pain and creating more of what you don’t want.  Look to fill your mind with a different kind of thinking.  Successful people have success thinking.  Peaceful people have peace thinking.  Happy people have happy thinking.  It’s not by accident.  Some people may start out with “better” circumstances, but if you use that as an excuse that you can’t have the life you want, you are the only one stopping you.  You are in charge of steering, you can take that wheel and move onto a new path.  You have the power to change your life.  You just have to decide it is possible.

What is life telling you?

posted by jperry

What is your life telling you? Is the Universe giving you signs that you’re not picking up on? What to add to your life? What to let go of? Do you see what is working and what needs to change? Is your schedule good? Does it make sense? Do you make time for what you want? To have fun? For yourself?

Are you making time for the hate-to’s? For work or business only, even when you’re home? Are you making time for what’s important? Are you in survival mode? Just check-in with yourself and ask. No judgement, just assess where you’re at.

I don’t know about you, but I get cranky when I’m hungry.  I get downright mean and almost evil when I’m hungry.  I realize this isn’t just physical hunger, but mental, emotional, and spiritual too.   When I want more, I can ignore it, but eventually if I don’t feed myself, all the parts, I feel like I’m starving.  I could say I’m craving balance.  But I’m not sure there is such a thing in life.  In theory there is, but we aren’t pie charts.  If I was a pie chart, what areas would I be?  Home, work, family, marriage, me, passions, hobbies, life purpose, etc.?  I kind of live it all at the same time.  That’s when people say to me, “I don’t know how you do it all?”  When I hear that I think…what is ALL?  I don’t feel like I do it all.  I’m having one of those days where laundry is piled up that is waiting to be folded and I am not in a great mood.  I don’t post about stuff to complain, so you make think it’s lame, but it’s real.  I have learned a lot from women that are entrepreneurs, successful in business or sales, writers, and especially those who worked at home in the beginning, all had a rough time.  They trusted it would all be worth it.  They now have a cleaning person, assistant, staff and people so they have more time and freedom…with more money then they have ever had.  I’m trying to make it a different path for me.  Not twenty years of struggle in order to get twenty years of good type of thing.

Today, I ask the Universe to guide me.

What do I want more of?  Abundance, money, prosperity of course, so I can have the life of my dreams.  But I have the life of my dreams in some ways and I’m taking it for granted because I’m focused on what I don’t have.  I am seeing what isn’t working, instead of new possibilities.  This is where I know to check in and take EVERYTHING off my plate (in my mind) so I can get clear.  I’m not down in the dumps, feeling bad or like my life isn’t going awesome. I’m just tired.  Never believe your bad days.  But learn from them.  Ask yourself what are you feeling?

WHAT DO I WANT?  WHAT DO I REALLY WANT?  WHAT DO I WANT TO FEEL?

Deep breath.  Some sacred time.  Some quality time with my kids.  To be present.  Everything that needs to be done will wait for me.  Memories are asking to be made every day.  I will hit the reset and unplug.  Time to recenter.

Epic Moments Of Awesomeness-EMOA

posted by jperry

We try to plan them. Especially as parents, we take kids on vacation. We plan special outings. They often fall flat in the fun department. Our expectations set so high, that they SHOULD be happy, grateful, and enjoy themselves. They are kids. As in…they’re crazy, wonderful, unpredictable, wild creatures. They’re not robots. They don’t hold in how they feel and play along like adults do. If they’re not happy, they’ll just have an epic meltdown on the floor of wherever, whenever, no matter who is there.

We have also planned movie night, game night, and ya know…family night type stuff which ends up in tears, yelling, and someone is not happy. Maybe there are those families that are “normal,” but if my kids want a perfect home and family, they can go sit on the coaches in Pier 1 Imports and watch the Disney channel on their phones and ipods. I will one day have a home that looks like that when no kids live here. And I will have a pretty sparkly, luxe home, and I’ll be sad. I’ll wish back for marker marks, stepping on Legos, and he chaos/love tornado of our dailyness. Okay, I will not miss stepping on Legos, because that is pain.

I will miss the real Epic Moments Of Awesomeness unplanned that just happen in ordinary extraordinary life. Like we had a possum the other night at our front door. We live at the shore. I love nature, but I am not a woodsy gal. I’d be glamping versus camping, in a cabin, with wifi and wine. I’ve never fended off wild animals except for my kids and the ninja moves I can generate when I walk through a spider web at night. When I lived of shore, I dealt with that frequently and even had to call my neighbor to get a spider out of my house that was so big it looked like a Halloween decoration.

I wish I had a video of my two older kids, my husband, and I trying to get this possum down the steps so my husband could come up them. Hubby was freaking out it was going to hiss and bite him. He was throwing pebbles not to hurt the little guy, but to scare him so he’d leave. My son was tossing Legos out the window as he is hanging out the window. My husband wanted us to throw water near the animal. My daughter went all PETA and was afraid the animal would get cold. I was yelling at my husband to just catch the umbrella I was trying to throw him and just come upstairs. I wasn’t scared of the lil’ dude. I finally just threw the umbrella. Where was the possum going to go? We were at the door at the top of the steps. My hubby was at the bottom. My husband opened up the umbrella and used it like a shield. We had many laughs over this. It was a memory we couldn’t have planned.

You have to embrace the Epic Moments Of Awesomeness however they appear. These are how memories are made.  In the unplanned gems we have to tell great stories about.

The Selfish Catepillar and The College Butterfly

posted by jperry

Oh…yes, I’m the selfish caterpillar.

Teens and their parents fight. Yes, of course, but as much as that happens, I can’t imagine ever wanting them out of the house. They are teenagers who are acting like teenagers, but they are still our babies deep down there inside. I think I suck at parenting sometimes. I am emotional. I get angry. I don’t respect boundaries…yet…cause I’m trying to figure out when to let go. At what age?  You think the stages of ages prepare, but in my experience lately, it hasn’t.  So I’ll tell you a story only to make sense of it in my head.  I think in metaphors. Actually, it’s a personification really, but really both.

There was a caterpillar that loved its life. Things were cozy on the ground. She could see the trees and climb them slowly. She could marvel at the sky, but didn’t need anything to change as she saw winged creatures, new ones each day taking flight for the first time.

One day things started to change. The caterpillar heard whispers from caterpillar friends that there was this thing that happened. This aspect of them that would change. It would literally get so wrapped in its own world, cocooning itself in its chrysalis so that it was no longer part of caterpillar world. It wasn’t a butterfly yet either. It was in between worlds. No matter how much the caterpillar wanted things to stay the same…nature doesn’t work like that.  No matter how much the caterpillar feared the new world, it was happening.  To be a butterfly was its destiny.  It would have to take flight and soar to brand new, faraway places without its caterpillar self.  It would always have a part of the caterpillar within the butterfly.

The caterpillar doesn’t die.  It changes form.  It is a new chapter.  It is how God intended it.  It transforms both the caterpillar and the butterfly.  It is a huge level of trust on the part of the caterpillar and a huge level of courage on the part of the butterfly.  One has to let go in or order for the other to become.  Soon, the butterfly will bust her way out into the world and things will never be the same.  The caterpillar is preparing.  The butterfly is preparing…only in my story, they are in different cocoon/chrysalises.

In real life, I am not good with this college stuff.  This caterpillar is not ready for the butterfly to soar.  I am being a selfish caterpillar.  I am going to try my hardest to support the butterfly.  I will focus on the happiness of the butterfly taking flight…off to college.  I will strive to support her more and not avoid the inevitable.

What are you avoiding that is inevitable or just part of life?  Are there any changes that you dread?  We all have many stages of life.  These are all here to assist our growth. It’s just that usually when we’re so in it, we can’t see reality.  We have to trust that no matter what phase of it we’re in, it will work out. Seems so silly sometimes when our problems or challenges are so small compared to others, but it’s all relative.  Our stress is our stress.  Just know, it will all work out.

Previous Posts

Who I used to be
Who I used to be was scared. I was scared to eat too much, drink too much, think too much, not be enough, not do enough, that I wouldn't get enough, but I'd gain too much weight. It's that "not being enough, but yet too much" syndrome.  It boils down to self-worth and being good enough. It's been

posted 5:09:34pm Oct. 28, 2014 | read full post »

What is life telling you?
What is your life telling you? Is the Universe giving you signs that you're not picking up on? What to add to your life? What to let go of? Do you see what is working and what needs to change? Is your schedule good? Does it make sense? Do you make time for what you want? To have fun? For yourself?

posted 9:50:04pm Oct. 26, 2014 | read full post »

Epic Moments Of Awesomeness-EMOA
We try to plan them. Especially as parents, we take kids on vacation. We plan special outings. They often fall flat in the fun department. Our expectations set so high, that they SHOULD be happy, grateful, and enjoy themselves. They are kids. As in...they're crazy, wonderful, unpredictable, wild cre

posted 7:39:20pm Oct. 25, 2014 | read full post »

The Selfish Catepillar and The College Butterfly
Oh...yes, I'm the selfish caterpillar. Teens and their parents fight. Yes, of course, but as much as that happens, I can't imagine ever wanting them out of the house. They are teenagers who are acting like teenagers, but they are still our babies deep down there inside. I think I suck at parentin

posted 11:59:23pm Oct. 19, 2014 | read full post »

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posted 1:18:32am Oct. 15, 2014 | read full post »


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