Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

Give Yourself Permission to Express Yourself

via Morguefile

via Morguefile

I encounter many people who share that they’re scared to express how they feel to friends, family, work colleagues, etc. Some don’t know why they’re scared. Not knowing what the results might be can cause the greatest fear. Fear of the unknown can be your biggest power buster since the imagined outcome is often much worse than what will probably happen. When I push people to figure out why they hesitate to say what they want or give their opinion or tell someone what bothers them:

•    Some have always gone along with what others tell them and don’t want to alienate anyone.
•    Some think it’s more important to please people.
•    Some were taught that people like you more when you’re agreeable.
•    Some are afraid of hurting someone’s feelings.
•    Some insist it’s not important to have a say in what they do.

Most of those excuses are still tied to not knowing what will happen if they speak up. But an important part of leaving DoorMatville is recognizing that what you think matters.  It’s hard to value yourself if you can’t accept that. Ask yourself:

Who is the most important person for me to please?

You answer should be “Me!” If you want to remain in DoorMatville, name another person. But if you want to be happy, and own your life, get on the train out of DoorMatville with one word—ME. You owe it to yourself to be your own top priority since you won’t be anyone else’s. And that includes speaking up for you. Tell yourself:

•    It’s okay to have my own opinion, even if people disagree with me.
•    While I don’t have to always get my way, I’m entitled to let people know what I want.
•    If someone says or does something that bothers me, I’m allowed to say something so I don’t carry around anger or resentment. If I say it nicely, they shouldn’t mind.
•    I don’t need to please anyone in my life who gets angry because I say what I think.

Give yourself permission to express yourself! I had to do that when I decided I was tired of living in DoorMatville and suppressing my feelings and desires. Other people speak up, so why not you? Once you begin, you’ll get used to it. Love yourself enough to take the reins of communicating what you really feel. Then you begin to own your power over your life.
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Join The Self-Love Movement™! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment“I commit to do my best to do something loving for myself, however big or small, for the next 31 days. and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at http://howdoiloveme.com. Read my 2014 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE. Join the Self-Love Movement™! on Facebook. Watch the video made with Hoobastank’s song–The reason–that illustrates the power of self-love.

Be the Boss of Your Own Life

Linda ChervilToday my guest is, Lynda Chervil author of “Fool’s Return,”  a new novel that incorporates valuable life lessons in a page-turning tale that touches on technology, the green movement, and other aspects of contemporary society. She graduated from New York University with a master’s degree in Integrated Marketing Communications and has extensive experience in consumer and commercial banking and has held positions in new business development, sales management and executive leadership. Chervil seeks to push the limits of established understanding by exploring alternative forms of spiritual healing, and, through creative writing, to expand the narrative of cutting-edge energy technology to promote sustainability. Today she will share her tips  for being your own CEO.Linda Chervil Cover

How to Be the Boss of Your Own Life
By Lynda Chervil

Entrepreneurship is alive and well in the United States with hundreds of thousands of new businesses opening each year.

More than 22 million of our small businesses are one-man (or woman) shops, and the number of those ringing up more than $1 million in sales is growing – it was nearly 27,000 in 2011, the most recent U.S. Census statistics available.

Americans are very savvy business people, and for more and more of us, the rewards of running our own business trounce the risks associated with stepping out on our own. Imagine what would happen if we applied our CEO mindset and skills to our own lives? Sometimes, it takes a boss to tell you to do something in order for it to get done. Now’s the time to become that boss.”

Here are some tips for doing that:

  • Embrace change, renewal and rebirth. There is no shortage of opportunity to notice change in life. Don’t be afraid to use milestones to provide yourself with an “employer’s review” on how you’re doing in your own life. What are you doing well, what needs work and how are you going to improve? Create a detailed plan on how you expect to accomplish your goals. Give yourself a timeline, such as losing 20 pounds by summer or increasing your net worth by next year.
  • You’re your own best entrepreneur. Part of being a good boss means trying out enterprising ideas; it’s the mediocre bosses who are content with the status quo. You don’t have to start with something wild. Instead, follow through on ideas that are good for you, such as buying healthy food that you haven’t yet tried. Look up recipes for how to prepare a healthy item like quinoa – make a project out of it. Have fun with the new you. Just because you have a new job with plenty of responsibility – being your own boss – doesn’t mean you can’t have fun.
  • Manage what you can control; accept what you cannot; and look outside the box. This is not as easy as it may sound because we often think we can control things that, in fact, we cannot, including how people respond to us or how quickly our bodies respond to diet and exercise. Progress does not happen all at once. While it makes sense to focus on what we can control, you may also consider alternative methods of living. That may include riding a bike to work rather than driving, or exploring alternative forms of spiritual healing.
  • Don’t be a victim! To a greater or lesser extent, we’re all taught to be obedient conform to the standards set by parents, teachers and bosses. Unfortunately, for many, this passive role can shape one’s identity and influence other relationships. It all starts with one’s own relationship to one’s self. As most parents and teachers will say, the best students are those who need the least help and are willing to be proactive in their own improvement. Understand that it’s not others who determine what you can do; it’s you!
    *************Join The Self-Love Movement™! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment“I commit to do my best to do something loving for myself, however big or small, for the next 31 days. and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at http://howdoiloveme.com. Read my 2014 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE. Join the Self-Love Movement™! on Facebook. Watch the video made with Hoobastank’s song–The reason–that illustrates the power of self-love.

 

Law of Attraction in Action: Trusting the Process

LOAlogoBLOGThis is post 278 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to manifest your desires.. I do it every day! Read all the posts in my Law of Attraction in Action Series to see how.

I had a client who needed to manifest a new client for his company. Business had been slow and he was scared he might get laid off. He complained that he had been telling the Universe what he needed but the Law of Attraction didn’t work for him. He assured me that he was doing what he could to have a strong vibration but it didn’t work. Many people give up when they don’t get what they want in the the time they want it. I hear comments like:

•    “God must not like me.”
•    “If it hasn’t happened by now, it won’t.”
•    “Why do other people manifest easily but not me?”
•    “What’s wrong with me?”
•    “What am I doing wrong?”

I can answer the last question. My client lost his patience and gave up. If you lose faith and don’t trust the process of manifesting with the Law of Attraction, your vibration also gives off doubt and fear. It’s important to trust that you will get what you want—at the right time. Years ago I was going after a book deal for a title I believed in. My agent at the time gave up on it after it was turned down by many editors. My vibration was strong and my agent’s colleague offered to try to shop it. No deal! I was advised to give up.

I refused and kept affirming I had the right deal at the right time. A year later I met an agent who loved what I told her about the book. She agreed to take it on. Shortly after I got a better deal than anyone ever expected—except for me. An editor that my agent knew was just moving to a new job and was looking for a book like mine. So it was the perfect time to find that agent.

“Trust is all about fearing less and loving more.” ~ Unknown

I loved me, and my book a lot. I wasn’t scared of not getting a deal. I trusted that the right one would come at the right time. That’s how the process works. It was the right deal for that book. And because I trusted the process, I didn’t give up. It’s important to accept that you manifest what’s for your highest good. You may not be ready for what you want.  When you can trust, and have the patience to wait as I discussed in my post, Law of Attraction in Action: Patience, you have the best chance of manifesting your desires.

See all the posts in my Law of Attraction in Action Series HERE.
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Join The Self-Love Movement™! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment“I commit to do my best to do something loving for myself, however big or small, for the next 31 days. and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at http://howdoiloveme.com. Read my 2014 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE. Join the Self-Love Movement™! on Facebook. Watch the video made with Hoobastank’s song–The reason–that illustrates the power of self-love.

10 Tips for Getting Comfortable with Saying “NO!”

NoI was recently at a motivational event. The speaker asked people in the audience to share something special they’d done. One woman said she began to say “no” occasionally. Everyone applauded this feat. Women are known for being overly agreeable. I’ve encountered many guys who say they also agree to requests much too often. Yet saying “no” should be normal, not an accomplishment!

Saying that one small word—“no”—turns into a very big deal for many of us!

When I was a people pleasing kind of “nice” girl, I couldn’t get that word out. Turning someone down meant possibly losing a friendship, or alienating someone. You might not even like the person but if you want to be liked by EVERYONE, agreeable seems to be the right course. People pleasers think it’s nice to never say “no.” It seems like the best way to be liked. And they want to be liked. We all do on some level. But saying “yes” at the expense of your own needs and desires isn’t nice! You can turn people down in ways that are soft like a feather and feel as comfortable.

Long time habits take a while to break. You can turn off agreeable auto-pilot. If you’re consistent, you can have yourself a lot more time for you by giving less to others. Next time you get asked to help with something you don’t want to do:

1. Accept that saying “no” isn’t a crime. I finally accepted that I’d still be a nice person if I became more selective about doing favors and that I was entitled to have my needs met too. It meant not putting all my time and energy into others. At first, I proudly forced “no” out. It felt uncomfortable and wasn’t well received. What I call poison word darts—selfish, nasty names, etc.—were hurled at me when I turned down requests. I ran back to the “security” of being agreeable until I realized the manipulation in their words and how unfair it was to call me names just for saying I couldn’t help them.

2. Get into the habit of not responding immediately. People pleasers feel they must reply instantly. You don’t have to! Even if you may say yes, get into the habit of thinking first. Try to stay as deadpan as possible so they can’t read guilt or dismay. They may try to manipulate you if they sense guilt. Not agreeing on the spot gives you time to find a good way to say “no.”

3.Don’t be apologetic: Why say you’re sorry you can’t if you’re not?  If you express regret, they’ll keep asking and pour on the guilt. Apologies bring more requests. If they hear resolve, they’ll accept your decision.

4.Make each “no” an individual decision: For each request, think, “Is this okay for me to do?” If it’s not inconvenient, consider it. You don’t have to prove yourself by turning everyone down. Find a balance between helping you, and others. Selectively agree when it works for you. Ask yourself, “Do I want to do it?” You might want to go the distance for someone who helps you a lot. Be selective as you turn folks down. Don’t just stop agreeing to everything. But if agreeing to the request will inconvenience you in stressful ways, and you don’t owe the person that kind of consideration, say “no.”

5. Start slowly: Baby step, one person at a time. Slowly get people used to you not always being the go-to person for favors. It’s okay to say “no” if you have something else to do! I tried new ways to change people’s expectations of me by slowly weaning myself away from always being the go-to girl. Being nice starts with being nice to yourself. Turn down the easiest person first to see how it feels. Then try another. It takes time to break people’s habits of expecting your acquiescence. Get them used to the new you!

6. Don’t succumb to pressure: People may use guilt, etc. to change your mind. Sweetly but firmly hold your ground. If they call you selfish, ask why it’s not selfish to not be available. Isn’t it selfish to expect you to change your plans for them?

7. Don’t defend why you can’t do something. There’s no need to. Just say you can’t, with conviction. Don’t justify why you can’t. Being on the defensive weakens your stance.

8. Be firm in saying no. Don’t dance around it. Saying, “I’d love to help but…” tells them to ask again. Saying, “I can’t” tells them to look elsewhere.

9. Give yourself time to answer. Say you must check your schedule. If she says she needs to know fast, nicely explain you can’t respond fast so she may want to find a backup. Explain that you have a pretty full schedule and need to check it. Turn them down by email. It gives you some distance from personal reactions. Turning someone down electronically is easier.  After you’ve waited, say you can’t do it. Waiting helps the person get used to your not always saying “yes.” It forces them to think of alternatives to having you do what they need. Even if you say “yes,” they’ll see they can’t automatically count on you.

10. Say “No” Without Saying “No”. Use expressions like, “I can’t do it” or “this doesn’t work for me.” or “I don’t have time.” or “I’ve got a full plate.” Create pat answers. Flattery can temper refusals. Say you think highly of the person but you’re overextended. Tell a neighbor you enjoy talking with her but it’s not a good time for you to organize a block party. If it’s more comfortable at first, create excuses. Little white lies ease you into it. Someone calls for a lift—you just washed your hair. Can you come watch her kids? You’re writing a report. Survival excuses allow you to bow out nicely. Consistent, reasonable excuses get folks out of the habit of always expecting your help.

I may not be liked by as many people since I started saying “no,” but I’m a lot more respected, and a lot happier with the people in my world who like me for me, not for what I do for them. It’s nice to say “no” to what you don’t want to do. As long as you treat people with courtesy, nice people have the right to say “no,” sans guilt.
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Join The Self-Love Movement™! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment“I commit to do my best to do something loving for myself, however big or small, for the next 31 days. and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at http://howdoiloveme.com. Read my 2014 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE. Join the Self-Love Movement™! on Facebook. Watch the video made with Hoobastank’s song–The reason–that illustrates the power of self-love.

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