Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

Law of Attraction in Action: “It’s for the best”

LOAlogoBLOGThis is post 289 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read all the posts in my Law of Attraction in Action Series  to see how.

People get confused when they’re trying to manifest if something doesn’t work out or if things don’t go according to what they asked for. That’s how it goes, especially when you’re asking for what’s best for your highest good. When something you want badly falls through or has glitches, do you get angry, frustrated, disappointed or lose faith? Next time try acceptance in faith instead! I used to get those negative emotions and suffered from them.

Now I just say, “It’s for the best.” Blessedly, I actually believe it so it’s said with trust.

I’ve written in other posts about how everything happens for a reason. You can fight that or work with it. The latter brings you peace and gives you the best chance of attracting what you need at the right time. For example, a client sold her house. She was supposed to move the day before the closing and was all set when the closing got postponed for 10 days. She flipped out. When I told her “It’s for the best” and she acted like I had two heads.

She had to reschedule to movers and alter her arrangements for the apartment she was moving to. What a pain! She wondered how she could say, “It’s for the best?” I got an argument. But I insisted she do her best to say it like she meant it. The day she was originally supposed to move, she called. It seems that a major storm came through her area that day. If the closing hadn’t been postponed, she’d have been moving in the storm and her stuff would have gotten soaked. She conceded, it really was for the best!

You don’t know what’s coming down the road, but the Universe does. The more you trust, the more you can know that it’s okay when things don’t go smoothly.

Aclient called me one morning. She was very upset. Her baby sitter was an hour late so she’d be late for work. I told he to say, “It’s for the best.” And believe it. It was for the best. She was headed to the World Trade Center on 9/11! Because her sitter was late, she avoided being caught in the building collapse, which she was grateful for..

My faith is strong enough to go with the flow of what happens instead of getting upset. Just yesterday I was running late and ran to catch the local subway train. The doors closed as I got there. At first I was mad. Thirty seconds sooner and I’d have made it! Then I remembered, “It was for the best.” I calmed down and another train pulled in 3 minutes later. It went one stop, where I had to change for the express train. As we pulled in to the station, I was surprised that we were on the express track. They switched my local to be the express I needed.

I had a seat and people from the train before me got on and had to stand! Missing the first train was for the best!

Saying, “It’s for the best,” puts you in positive spirits. It tells the Universe that you trust that you’ll get what you need in the right time.

See all the posts in my Law of Attraction in Action Series HERE.
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Join The Self-Love Movement™! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment“I commit to do my best to do something loving for myself, however big or small, for the next 31 days. and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at http://howdoiloveme.com. Read my 2014 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE. Join the Self-Love Movement™! on Facebook. Watch the video made with Hoobastank’s song–The reason–that illustrates the power of self-love.

Get Heard!

ear
We’re often so proud of ourselves for making the effort to communicate that we don’t pay attention to our approach. Becoming aware of how we present our thoughts and ideas can get them across more clearly. Simply paying more attention to yourself can help: is this how I’d like someone to talk to me?
Women are said to be better at communication than men. We believe in communication, and advocate learning to communicate. Yet our desire to communicate doesn’t always help us express our needs so that people actually get our point without getting an attitude.
Why is this? Women are great at talking but communication is much more than that. We tend to use much too many words, explaining and explaining…communication over- kill….until we get the response we want…or alienate the person. My rule: the less said, the more you get across.
Many people have developed selective hearing. Certain cues from a speaker signals the low/off volume on what they hear. How rude you might say. It is, but we must take responsibility in part for the way we’re heard. Bad experiences have conditioned people to tune out from specific triggers. The attitude in the speakers voice is a common one.

When we’re gung ho about getting a point, complaint or suggestion across, we don’t always give much thought to the method. All energies go to the message rather than the vehicle for it.
Which do you prefer –the momentary satisfaction of ragging on someone who tunes out and just gets defensive and/or angry, or getting your point across clearly? It’s important to know and accept that:

• If speaking up politely angers someone, it’s his/her problem.
If speaking up politely angers someone, it’s his/her problem.
•    Real friends respect your right to express.
•    Protecting your own feelings is most important.
•    If you aren’t disrespectful or mean, too bad!

Speaking up doesn’t change that you’re a nice person. Always pause and think about your response in situations that trigger emotions or require a commitment that you might not want to give.
Communication skills can be very helpful in being you to leave DoorMatville. It’s crucial to learn to express your anger in clear, non-blaming statements. Find a way that’s comfortable for you, but do it! A good method of communication in any situation is to keep things as non-threatening as possible.  Be kind.  Often the person doesn’t mean to hurt you.  Start any negatives with a positive, letting your friend know you don’t think she’s doing anything purposely. For example:

To a co-worker: “I appreciate the job you’re doing but I’d like to let you know tha twhen you do___it makes me feel you don’t think I’m smart enough to handle the task..”

To your romantic partner: “I love you buI don’t love when you___I’d appreciate you making an effort to be aware of this and respect my feelings.”

 

• Real friends respect your right to express.
• Protecting your own feelings is most important.
• If you aren’t disrespectful or mean, too bad!

Speaking up doesn’t change that you’re a nice person. Always pause and think about your response in situations that trigger emotions or require a commitment that you might not want to give.
Communication skills can be very helpful in being you to leave DoorMatville. It’s crucial to learn to express your anger in clear, non-blaming statements. Find a way that’s comfortable for you, but do it! A good method of communication in any situationis to keep things as non-threatening as possible. Be kind. Often the person doesn’t mean to hurt you. Start any negatives with a positive, letting your friend know you don’t think she’s doing anything purposely. For example:
To your romantic partner: “I love you but there are things you do that I don’t love and I’d like to make you more aware of them. I’d appreciate your listening.”
To a co-worker: “I appreciate the job you’re doing but I’d like to let you know when you…..it makes me feel you don’t think I’m capable of doing the job….”

To a friend: “I value our friendship so much, I’m going to try and keep it going by making you aware of my feelings about ….”
People take criticism better when you don’t put them on their guard. Be aware of your communication, so as not to make it sound judgmental. If it’s said kindly, in a nice, not nagging tone, your message will have a better chance of being heard as it’s meant. And say whatever it is directly to the person. Never have someone say it for you! A Better Bitch takes control of herself and knows it’s up to her to communicate.
When something is bothering us, we often want to spew at the person causing the problem. Whether it’s a work colleague, friend, romantic partner, or person not giving you good service, communicating nicely will get you further. Ask yourself whether you want to get even with the person or to get good results? To hurt the person or have them responsive to your needs? To vent your rage at them or get them to understand how you feel and perhaps be cooperative? If you want the mor positive choice, then communicate nicely.

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Join The Self-Love Movement™! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment“I commit to do my best to do something loving for myself, however big or small, for the next 31 days. and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at http://howdoiloveme.com. Read my 2014 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE. Join the Self-Love Movement™! on Facebook. Watch the video made with Hoobastank’s song–The reason–that illustrates the power of self-love.

Get Good Customer Service

file2891267308689Do you complain about customer service people? If you were brought up to avoid causing problems, you may keep your mouth shut about bad service or defective products, and complain to friends. Reaching a person instead of an automated voice can be exasperating and put you in a bad mood. Irritability attracts poor service! Instead, force a smile, even if they can’t see it, since it sets a better mood. Then nicely seek resolution.

I get phenomenal service—refunds few get, courtesy, direct phone numbers for future problems, replacement products and apologies—all because they appreciate me being nice. I got poor service when I was scared of offending someone whose job was to help me or when I let my anger guide my communication. But resentment built and my emotions and frustrations made me rant and whine, making them less helpful. Such anxiety for what you’re entitled to! Nice approaches get much better service.

•    Know you’re entitled to assistance for what you pay for. If you order a steak rare and it’s well done, you’r entitled to send it back. If you don’t get the advertised discount, you’re entitled to get it get it. Show that in your attitude

•    Be friendly. Calm down before calling. Rudeness relieves momentary tension but won’t create an ally for solving your problem. Friendly and polite makes the person try harder for you.

•    Don’t share personal problems or sob stories. Just nicely state the facts and what you’d like.

•    Explain that your patience is thin and you’re upset. Admit it’s hard to not get angry but you’re trying not to.

•    Acknowledge the person didn’t cause your problem. If your statement is wrong, your phone is dead or other typical problems, the customer service person didn’t cause it. Don’t take anger out on her or scold him. I open with a version of, “I know you didn’t break my phone and are trying to help me. I’ll try not to take my anger out on you and appreciate your help.” They greatly appreciate that!
•    Do you complain about customer service people? If you were brought up to avoid causing problems, you may keep your mouth shut about bad service or defective products, and complain to friends. Reaching a person instead of an automated voice can be exasperating and put you in a bad mood. Irritability attracts poor service! Instead, force a smile, even if they can’t see it, since it sets a better mood. Then nicely seek resolution.

•    Whether verbal or written, don’t jump into a complaint. Begin with a kind word to set a positive tone and

•    Use clear, unemotional words about why you need resolution. “I get crazy when my phone is out” brings out violins. “I’m losing business without phone service” is taken more seriously.

•    Let the person know it’s in the company’s best interest to correct the problem. Explain that action you may take isn’t worth them ignoring your situation.

•    Respond firmly to lines used to get rid of you. “It’s not our policy to…” I reply, “It’s not my policy to accept faulty service or a customer service department that tries to brush me off.” Sweetly, with a smile.

•     . Use humor, such as, “I’m trying to stay calm. How am I doing?” That gets the person on your side to see you as human, instead of another complainer.

•    Acknowledge that the person didn’t cause your problem. If your statement is wrong, your phone is dead or other typical problems, the customer service person didn’t cause it. Don’t take anger out on her or scold him. I open with a version of, “I know you didn’t break my phone and are trying to help me. I’ll try not to take my anger

•    Use clear, unemotional words about why you need resolution. “I get crazy when my phone is out” brings out violins. “I’m losing business without phone service” is taken more seriously.

•    Let the person know it’s in the company’s best interest to correct the problem. Explain that action you may take isn’t worth them ignoring your situation.

•    Respond firmly to lines used to get rid of you. “It’s not our policy to…” I reply, “It’s not my policy to accept faulty service or a customer service department that tries to brush me off.” Sweetly, with a smile.
Sometimes you may need to BUILD your courage to ask for what you SHOULD get. You’re a customer they make money from! Get into the driver’s seat. Being tough is unnecessary. Service people hear many rants and threats. Friendliness, with humor, makes them like you more and go the distance. I chat and joke, while reminding them how important it is to get resolution. A snail mail letter works better than an email complaint. Keep it short and sweet, literally—a few paragraphs using my tips. Be polite and don’t accuse. Just state the problem and ask how they can fix it.

I get phenomenal service—refunds few get, courtesy, direct phone numbers for future problems, replacement products and apologies—all because they appreciate me being nice. I got poor service when I was scared of offending someone whose job was to help me or when I let my anger guide my communication. But resentment built and my emotions and frustrations made me rant and whine, making them less helpful. Such anxiety for what you’re entitled to! Nice approaches get much better service.
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Join The Self-Love Movement™! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment“I commit to do my best to do something loving for myself, however big or small, for the next 31 days. and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at http://howdoiloveme.com. Read my 2014 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE. Join the Self-Love Movement™! on Facebook. Watch the video made with Hoobastank’s song–The reason–that illustrates the power of self-love.

Are You Willing to be Different Enough to Have a Great Relationship?

032_Dain Heer_8743_portraitI’m happy to have Dr. Dain Heer back as a guest today.He’s an internationally acclaimed speaker and human behavior thought leader. Dain travels the world, coaching audiences and facilitating classes that teach people to access their own awareness and knowing, empowering them to become their own advocate.  He’s changing lives with his high-energy, no-nonsense approach to better living. He’s also the author of nine books on the topics of embodiment, healing, money and relationships. His story and teachings are captured in his latest book, ‘Being You, Changing the World,’ which has been translated into Swedish, German, Spanish, Italian and Eston. More at www.drdainheer.com here’s what his lesson is for today:

Are You Willing to be Different Enough to Have a Great Relationship?

By Dr. Dain Heer

On this planet, we spend a lot—A LOT—of time and energy on love and relationships. We have so many judgments, conclusions and points of view about what relationship is supposed to be. Almost all of us are searching for the perfect relationship, even if we pretend we are not.  Unfortunately, most of us are having very little success in this area without ever acknowledging it.  I’d like that to change.

How much of your life have you spent searching for the perfect relationship? Here’s a question.  Please answer it very honestly: “How well has that worked for you?” If you’re like most people, it has not worked out very well; no matter how hard you’ve tried.

What I’d like to do in the course of this article is to give you some different tools and different ways of looking at things that might actually allow you to begin to create a great relationship rather than trying to create the same old relationship you’ve created in the past. BeingYou_DainHeer_Cover copy 2

Do You Know Anyone That Has a Truly Caring and Great Relationship?     Truth? Think of it for a second. Do you? If so, you are lucky. Did you know that 90 percent of people would rather have a bad relationship than no relationship? (If you are part of that very small percentage of the population that has a great relationship, this doesn’t apply to you.)That is because people fit when they have a relationship. And one of the worst things in this reality is not fitting. In this reality, almost everyone is looking to fit, looking to try to benefit, looking to win, and looking not to lose.

In this reality, you fit when you have a relationship. You benefit by people not thinking you’re a loser. When you have someone to have sex with, you win. You are a winner! Now, funny enough, it is irrelevant whether you are actually having sex or not . . .

My point of view is: if you want to have a relationship, you should have a great and phenomenal one! Why settle for someone who is going to fulfill some strange need to fit with the rest of the limited world other people find so valuable?  Why settle for something that doesn’t truly make your heart sing.  Go for what you know that should be possible, and create it!  It is possible!

What if we could change the whole paradigm of relationship?! What if we could change it to something that really works for all of us? What if it no longer had to be about control and jealousy and envy and rightness and wrongness and fitting in with everyone else? What if it relationship could be about the gift we can be to—and for—each other? Here areTHREE TIPS TO START WITH: (I know, this may seem weird at first, but if you try it, I think you’ll thank me later.)

1. STOP DIVORCING YOU AND BECOME A LEADER IN YOUR OWN LIFE!    Let me ask you a question: “How much of YOU did you divorce to be in your current or most recent relationship?”  More than 10%?  More than 50%? More than 100%?  When I ask this question in the relationship classes I have delivered around the world, most people answer “more than 100%.” Some people say as high as 100,000%.  How does it get to more than 100%? I have no idea. But that is what people tell me.

What does divorcing you look like? It looks like not going jogging when you’re in relationship, even though it’s something you love, because your partner doesn’t do it. It also looks like cutting yourself off from your friends and the other sources of contribution in your life when you get into a relationship.  What if you didn’t have to do that anymore? What if it’s not that you’re wrong?  What if it’s just that you haven’t been given the right tools to create things differently?

So, would you be willing to undo everything you’ve done to divorce you in your current or most recent relationship, please?  And reclaim all of you so that you can be more present in your relationship?  Thank you.

From my point of view, a true leader knows where they are going, is willing to go where they need to go whether anyone else goes or not, and does not require that anyone else follow–ever. When somebody truly doesn’t divorce himself or herself, they can become a leader in the world. At the very least, they become a leader in their own life, rather than a follower.  And this is the place where they truly become a contribution to their relationships as well.

If you have two people who are leaders in a relationship, it works out really well.  This is because they are both willing to allow the other person to be exactly as they are. They don’t require their partner to change for them.  They both desire the other person to grow, to be more, and to expand, because they are not threatened or intimidated by it. Rather, they are inspired by it!

If you’d like to be inspired again in your relationships, stop divorcing you, stop requiring your partner to change, and be willing to have gratitude for them and you for being exactly as you both are now.

2. ADMIT THAT YOU’RE WAY MORE AWARE THAN YOU THINK, AND YOUR LIFE WILL GET EASIER. Let’s say you were going to give your partner a call—did you know before they answered the phone when they were angry? Or when they were sad? Or when they needed you to call? Or when they needed to have a “talk”?

You knew every single time. (Whether you are willing to admit it or not yet.) In fact, I would wager that the reason you called them in the first place is because you knew they were in a funk or needed something from you. Don’t take my word for it. Just check it out in your own life and see.

How do you know these things? Because you’re psychic, which is a simple and fun way of saying you’re aware of those kinds of energies. You’ve been aware of the energies around you (for example, the thoughts, feelings, and emotions of those you care about) your whole life. 98% of all the thoughts, feelings, emotions, judgments, traumas and dramas that you think are yours, actually don’t belong to you. I know it feels like they do, your heart aches and you have a big black hole in your stomach, and yet, 98% of the time, it isn’t yours!  You’re just aware of it!

So, because you are that aware, in order to get more clarity in your life and in your relationships, start asking this question: “Who does this belong to?” for every thought, feeling, emotion, judgment, trauma, drama, and intrigue you perceive.  You may just find out that all that stuff in your head isn’t yours.

When you ask “Who does this belong to?”, and the emotion lightens up at all, it isn’t yours! Just return it to sender (even when you don’t know who that is) and ask: “What is true for ME here?” and start finding out what’s true for you. How much easier would that make your relationships?  How many times have the points of view in your head actually belonged to your partner?  Or someone else?

And, are you aware that most people break up because of that constant self-talk going on in their heads?  If that weren’t there, how much easier would your relationship get? And the rest of your life?  So if I were you, I would definitely not do this.

3. BE INTIMATE WITH YOU.  There is this little thing called INTIMACY—where you are in Oneness. Where everything exists and nothing is judged. In Oneness, I can be you, you can be me. Oneness is very similar to that space you get when you go into the deep woods, where nothing is ever wrong, where you’re willing to receive and gift everything, openly, with nothing to hide. Imagine if you could have that in your relationships. Intimacy is the key, which unlocks the door.

True intimacy has five elements: Honoring, Trust, Allowance, Vulnerability and Gratitude. Notice that you don’t see sex in there? Surprised?  Intimacy is something that you can have with everybody, if you’re willing to. It doesn’t require the sex part at all.  It’s a way of being where nothing is excluded, everything is included, and nothing is judged. What would it be like if your whole life could be like that? Would it change your relationships?  Would it change your relationship with you?

Strangely enough, there is one person who makes the whole difference here. If you were willing to be intimate with this one person—it would give you the choice to have it with anyone else in your life, as it worked for you and as you desired it… By being intimate with YOU.

Please know, just because you are intimate with you, it doesn’t mean you wouldn’t choose to have someone else in your life. It doesn’t mean that you have to go off and be alone . . .

On the contrary, what it does mean is that you can have truly caring people in your life that honour you and trust you, that are willing to be vulnerable (no barriers) with you, and have gratitude and allowance for you.  When you’re intimate with you, instead of choosing some person who wants to diminish and limit you, you will actually choose someone who is a contribution to your life.

Some questions to get you started on this road toward intimacy with you:

1.    If I were totally honoring of my partner, and me what would I choose differently today?
2.    If I had total trust in my partner and me how would I be differently today?
3.    If I were in total allowance, where everything is just an interesting point of view, what choices would I have available today in my relationship?
4.    How much more vulnerable can I be with my partner and myself today, and what would it take for that to show up now?
5.    What would total gratitude, for my partner, and myself every moment of every day, look like, feel like, taste like, and be like in my life and in my relationship?  And what would it take for that to start today?

So there you have it: 3 tips for creating a greater relationship. If you embrace these concepts, you may find that you are more able to create the relationship of your dreams, rather than the one of your nightmares you’ve been creating over and over again with the same person just in a different body. Thank you for being willing to consider something completely different.
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Join The Self-Love Movement™! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment“I commit to do my best to do something loving for myself, however big or small, for the next 31 days. and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at http://howdoiloveme.com. Read my 2014 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE. Join the Self-Love Movement™! on Facebook. Watch the video made with Hoobastank’s song–The reason–that illustrates the power of self-love.

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