Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

Are You a Needy People Magnet?

magnetDo you find yourself surrounded by people who need you for something? Do you tend to end up with romantic partners who need fixing? It’s common, especially for DoorMats who have people pleasing as part of their M.O.  I did when I was a DoorMat. These needy folks would bring me down with their demands and sad situations and kept me too busy to work on me. But while I often complained about them, a part of me liked and needed to have them depend on me.

Insecurity can make you a magnet for people who are emotionally unhealthy. We often have a misguided belief that if we do and do and do for someone they’ll stick around. Women tend to play therapist for a guy they like and figure he will be so grateful, and dependent for emotional support that he’ll stick around. That was me when I was low on confidence and high on criticism for what was wrong  with me. Like many needy people magnets, I didn’t appreciate that I had wonderful qualities and thought the best I had to offer was support.

Do you ever ask yourself, like I used to, “How do all these needy people find me?” “Why do they come to me?” “Why do I have so many people in my life who drag me down?” I used to get angry that people expected so much form me. But then I recognized that I made myself a magnet for the emotionally needy. They could tell I was open to trying to fix everyone. It wasn’t so much that they lined up to use me, as I used to believe. I needed to feel needed, so I opened myself up to it.

I hear from both women and men that they don’t understand why they always end up with a romantic partner who has problems and they have to do some repairs. They complain that they don’t like it yet they keep finding the fix-It specials. Whether it’s a friend or lover, feeling needed can make you feel important and necessary if your self-esteem is low. And being with someone who’s damaged or insecure can make you feel better about yourself, compared to the other person. You may not feel good enough to be with someone healthy. I used to think a secure person would judge me as beneath them when I thought little of myself.

Needy people will bring you down. That doesn’t mean you have to cut everyone off, but you should slowly cut their dependency on you. I had to suggest therapy for some and I stopped dating guys who seemed like a good candidate for my therapy. I no longer want to fix anyone. I still try to help friends with problems but limit time spend with them. But since I developed strong self-love and self-esteem, I no longer need to feel needed the way I used to. I still help people but not to feel good about me. I do it because I care.

If you want to turn off your magnet but  like helping people, a healthier way to gratify your need is to do volunteer work for a cause that matters to you. That’s what I do now. Find a cause and do what you can for them. It’s more worthwhile than attracting damaged people and trying to fix them.
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Join The Self-Love Movement™! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment“I commit to do my best to do something loving for myself, however big or small, for the next 31 days. and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at http://howdoiloveme.com. Read my 2014 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE. Join the Self-Love Movement™! on Facebook. Watch the video made with Hoobastank’s song–The reason–that illustrates the power of self-love.

Overcoming Obstacles–interview with Jenn London

Jenn LondonBeautiful Sorrow  is a true-life story memoir written by Jenn London, a talented singer/songwriter and a self-love ambassaador for The Self-Love Movement™. She’s overcome a multitude of sorrowful parts of her life, from  childhood obesity to immense family tragedy. Her optimism, determination and drive helped her go on to pursue a career in music and active involvement in animal welfare.

In Beautiful Sorrow, Jenn shares the pain she endured on her inspiring journey to find peace and happiness yet her story has a humorous edge.  I interviewed Jenn  so she could shsre her story and how she got through it.
Here’s what she had to say.

What is Beautiful Sorrow? Too me, it means finding the beauty in every situation even when it’s hard to see sometimes. I’ve had my share of struggles and Beautiful Sorrow, the memoir, follows my story from childhood obesity and the loss of my parents and brother to pursuing my dreams of being a musician and creating a life of peace and happiness. As I say in the book “there is a happy ending if you create it”.Jen's CoverPR

How does self-love make a difference for you? I don’t think I could have overcome all my obstacles if I didn’t feel self-love within the core of my being. I always firmly believed that I was a good person and worthy of more.

What would you advise someone who feels hopelessly buried in problems? What I say in my book is that everyone has their own unique talents of getting them through the hard times. For me it was music. For someone else, maybe it’s cooking or taking a walk. Whatever calms and clarifies the mind. I also FULLY believe in retail therapy (if you can afford it). It’s about treating yourself well and tapping into what makes you special. I also have mantras that helped me such as “everything I’m going to be is because I’m going to create it and make it happen”. The other one I liked, which is now the title to my next album is “It’s never too late”.

What can someone learn from your book?  I have a chapter on charity and animal rights issues. I suppose my other major belief in fighting depression is that you have to be a part of something bigger than yourself. It really helps to feel needed and to make a difference in people and animals who are hurting. My brother committed suicide and while I’m glad he’s no longer suffering, I often think about what a waste it was and how much he could have helped others. He was a loving person, he just didn’t love himself.

What did you learn from writing your book?  Aside from the teasing I underwent as a kid from being overweight, I also suffered physical abuse from my brother. He was sexually abused when he was little and I think he was angry and took it out on me with frequent beatings. I never thought of myself as a victim of abuse until I wrote this book. Then through the process of writing and analyzing,  I also linked that to my actions of self-abuse which was overeating. I had never made that connection before.

How did you view yourself when you were a child? How do you view yourself today? As a child, while I was never popular with boys, I still had a lot of friends and was very outgoing. I also knew I had a strong singing voice so I think that helped with self-esteem. But in college, I definitely got physical with men when I was really craving love so I suppose, I didn’t truly believe I deserved it. Now, as an adult, I am much more vocal about what I want and what I expect from my relationships. It’s about self-worth. The other interesting thing is that I think losing so much weight so early on really set me up to believe that nothing is impossible with hard work. Hence me pursuing one of the most difficult professions on the planet! (MUSIC!)

Why did you incorporate music into your book project? For me, it was a natural extension. I’ve been writing poetry and songs ever since I was a kid. I included both. The songs show my journey from post college up to now, lyrically and sonically. The earlier songs were darker and the later ones focus more on inspirational ideas like pursuing your dreams. I also, for many years, had a tough time finding the right producer and being happy with my production but the last couple of songs on the CD illustrate that I kept at it and show how far I’ve come. I am now very happy with my new material which I co-produced with musician/producer, and now friend, Ari Ingber.

Any last thoughts? Loving yourself gives you strength and most people, in my opinion, are stronger than they think they are. You just have to believe that things will get better even if you don’t exactly know how to make that happen yet. IT WILL HAPPEN IF YOU KEEP BELIEVING AND KEEP TRYING!
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Join The Self-Love Movement™! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment“I commit to do my best to do something loving for myself, however big or small, for the next 31 days. and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at http://howdoiloveme.com. Read my 2014 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE. Join the Self-Love Movement™! on Facebook. Watch the video made with Hoobastank’s song–The reason–that illustrates the power of self-love.

Law of Attraction in Action: Fear of Technology

This is post 279 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to manifest your desires.. I do it every day! Read all the posts in my Law of Attraction in Action Series to see how.

I admit that I’m not comfortable with new technology. I get nervous trying something new on my computer. The trouble is, the more nervous you get, the more you attract problems. Sometimes the more I get panicky about doing something I need to get done online, the more things seem to go wrong. Once I needed to get something important printed up fast and my printer jammed. As I frantically tried to pull out the messed up paper and figure out how to I it, the paper ripped and wouldn’t all come out.

Fortunately, I took  break , affirmed that I’d get my printer working and did some Tapping/EFT to clear my fear of messing up more. I explain why to you should use this powerful tool in my post called Use EFT/Tapping to Clear Resistance. Doing Tapping calmed me down and cleared my resistance to things going well. As I expressed my fear of technology, I let go of it. Soon after I unjammed my printer and all was well again.

If you have any fears tied to your computer, phone, iPad, etc., let go of them unless you want to attract more reasons to be scared and create more problems for yourself. If you want things top go well as you do technical things, let go of your fearful expectations of you messing up. If you’re like me and new technology makes you nervous, try tapping along  with Brad Yates  in the video below. Brad is a genius at tapping for things in ways that are relatable. He has videos for almost anything you might want to clear blocks for.

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See all the posts in my Law of Attraction in my Action Series HERE.
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Join The Self-Love Movement™! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment“I commit to do my best to do something loving for myself, however big or small, for the next 31 days. and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at http://howdoiloveme.com. Read my 2014 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE. Join the Self-Love Movement™! on Facebook. Watch the video made with Hoobastank’s song–The reason–that illustrates the power of self-love.

Carry Self-Praise in Your Wallet

listAs you try to build self-love, you can forget how terrific you are. You are terrific! It can be helpful to carry a list of some of your assets around with you in your wallet, like you carry pictures of loved ones.

Take a piece of paper. At the top write, “What makes me special” Then list three or four of your good qualities, like I did in the example. Think about what you or others like about you. Write them down. Put a star next to your favorites. Red them out loud and put it in your wallet.

Take the paper out and read it whenever you need a boost of confidence. Add qualities as you notice other things or people point some thing out. Keep reminding yourself that you are special, because you are! You’re a unique human being. No onelse is like you. As your self-love grows you’ll have more qualities to acknowledge.
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Join The Self-Love Movement™! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment“I commit to do my best to do something loving for myself, however big or small, for the next 31 days. and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at http://howdoiloveme.com. Read my 2014 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE. Join the Self-Love Movement™! on Facebook. Watch the video made with Hoobastank’s song–The reason–that illustrates the power of self-love.

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