Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

Ditch the Victim Mentality

victimA common thread among clients who come to me for self-empowerment counseling is “Why do people use me?” And they groan, “Why me?” And they whine, “I’ll never get what I want because of _____.”  I tell them to fill in that blank with, “because I allow myself to be a victim.” People don’t make you one. You volunteer.

Do you speak in a “ woe is me” tone? Do you blames everyone for being unhappy? Build some exuberance for life so you can get rid of feeling like a victiom. Being happy can temper feeling like a victim! Pay attention to your thoughts and making happier friends, I’m slowly climbing out of the black hole I’ve been in. As I accept that playing victim is my choice and take charge of my life, the sun shines on me more. There are symptoms of bring a victim you can watch out for:

•    People Pleasers suffer like pros and complain about who did them wrong. But you get no points for suffering. None! Nada! Listen carefully. It’s YOUR choice to accept behavior, or change it. If you’re taught that confronting its source isn’t nice, you suffer. This is poison! You deserve happiness! Asking “why me?” when life isn’t good reinforces victimhood. Focus your energy on how to change situations.
When you’ve been through some really tough life experiences, don’t give up. Trust that you’ll find other solutions! Don’t b eafraid of not knowing how to find out. There is something good in everything.Look for the good! Try to
•    List what makes you valuable. You have great qualities! Identify them.
•    Do you accept suffering as punishment for not “being good enough?” That destroys self-esteem! In my DoorMat days, I nurtured suffering as a lifestyle. Now it’s banned! Choose—adopt a victim mentality or change your response. My clientMadison believed she deserved to suffer for being overweight. Feeling like a loser, she blamed it for all problems. After several sessions, she smiled more:

•    Victimhood is programmed. Madison’s mom called he rfat. When she actually thought about why she felt like a victim, it was a no-brainer that she didn’t have to be one. She slowly did consciousness exercises to appreciate hery good attributes and affirmations about not being a victim. She haen’t completely stopped but she’s happilyon her way!

•   Victims give others power over them. “He makes me feel unattractive.” It’s your choice to feel unattractive! Your response determines whether you’re a victim of hurtful words or a powerful person I know it’s hard to begin. But deciding to ditch the victim role and stand up for YOU attracts better treatment and increases self-respect.

My client Lacy did more work than anyone in her office but earned less. She handled everyone’s problems while they got the credit and more money. She liked my job and kept quiet. A new manager noticed how hard sheworked, asked why she hadn’t been promoted and encouraged me to recognize her worth. I told her to list everything she did, and nicely, with confidence, told her boss, that she deserved a promotion. After reading her lists over and over, she felt it! He agreed. Now I’m office manager. No more victim!

•    People can’t consistently do negative things unless you let them.   Relinquish self-pity and change your situation! Why stay a victim? Taking a stand makes people less likely to take advantage. YOU control how folks treat you and she sdtopped it. Complaining is a cop-out. Nobody uses someone who won’t allow it.
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Join The Self-Love Movement™! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment“I commit to do my best to do something loving for myself, however big or small, for the next 31 days. and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at http://howdoiloveme.com. Read my 2014 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE. Join the Self-Love Movement™! on Facebook. Watch the video made with Hoobastank’s song–The reason–that illustrates the power of self-love.

Standing Up for Yourself

woman standingYou may be angry at many people and want to tell them all of. But you need to –prepare to take a stand first. Before taking a stand, ask, “Am I WILLING to be serious?” You may want to stop unacceptable behavior, but are you willing to leave or mean “no” or cut visits if ignored? Decide how far you’re WILLING to go. If you can’t cut the person off, have less contact. Explain what bothers you and why you’ll limit visits. Don’t demand change. It comes when they’re aware of how their behavior affects you and WANT to.

Practice new techniques for handling situations. No one has a right to be disrespectful or consistently burst your happiness bubble. NO ONE! Your mother has NO right to cut you down. Believe it in your heart! Your best friend’s issues aren’t yours. It isn’t mandatory to take crap from your boss. A romantic partner has no special right to abuse you, even if he says it’s your fault—which it never is! Before you begin to take control of situations:

•    Do affirmations to bolster confidence. “I have the right to express what bothers me.” “I trust myself to communicate effectively.”
•    Remember that nicely discussing problems makes relationships—professional or personal—stronger.
•   Keep youcommunication friendly–no insluts
•    Use deep breathing to keep emotions in check.

If it doesn’t wok, choose to either walk away or change YOUR response.
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Join The Self-Love Movement™! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment“I commit to do my best to do something loving for myself, however big or small, for the next 31 days. and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at http://howdoiloveme.com. Read my 2014 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE. Join the Self-Love Movement™! on Facebook. Watch the video made with Hoobastank’s song–The reason–that illustrates the power of self-love.

Law of Attraction in Action: What You Think Of Yourself

LOAlogoBLOGThis is post 290 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to manifest your desires. I do it every day! Read all the posts in my Law of Attraction in Action Series to see how.

Very often, your biggest roadblocks to achieving goals are the labels you put on yourself. What you think of you helps to attract what you get. If you think of yourself as:

•    Too fat to be worthy of attracting great people into your world
•    Too boring to attract the person you’d like to have a relationship with
•    Too inexperienced to audition for the part in a play you want
•    Too short to play basketball
•    Too old to change your career

If you have any of these kinds of beliefs they will block you from getting the things you say you want. These can be things you’ve heard from someone else or something you’ve always believed. When you think of yourself as a passionate, interesting, valuable, unique and genuine person, those positive expectations will help you manifest what you want
your life.Do you stand in your own way? Your expectations can greatly effect what you manifest. You can create roadblock by thinking of yourself as:

•    Not attractive enough to sing in clubs.
•    Too old to do what you want.
•    Too inexperienced to get the job you want
•    Not educated in the right school to advance in your career
•    The wrong sex for the career you want

When you begin to value all your positive attributes you can let go of negative beliefs about you. Write down all the good stuff about you as a reminder that you have a lot to offer.When you think of yourself ascreative, passionate, interesting, valuable, unique and genuine, those positive expectations will be reflected in your life.

Thinking highly of yourself doesn’t mean you have to be arrogant or egotiitistic. When you truly think highly of yourself, you’ll e prove those thoughts by what you attract.

You can be held back by your expectations, or encouraged forward by your expectations. Make the choice to be encouraged, inspired, motivated and compelled by the positive things you expect of yourself.

Sure, there are many difficult factors you’ll face in life. Don’t add your own negative expectations to those challenges. Why give the Law of Attraction ammo to use against you? Try to expect the best of yourself in every situation. And bring those expectations to the font of your thoughts so the Law of Attraction can help you manifest what you want. Remember, your thoughts attract what you get. Make them good thoughts!

See all the posts in my Law of Attraction in Action Series HERE.
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Join The Self-Love Movement™! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment“I commit to do my best to do something loving for myself, however big or small, for the next 31 days. and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at http://howdoiloveme.com. Read my 2014 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE. Join the Self-Love Movement™! on Facebook. Watch the video made with Hoobastank’s song–The reason–that illustrates the power of self-love.

Why People Become DoorMats/People Pleasers

phot by Daylle

phot by Daylle

George Bernard Shaw said, “The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.”

Having DMS (DoorMat Syndrome) made me a People Pleaser who catered to others, with little reciprocation. People Pleasers don’t turn down requests or assert their needs. Do you want to stop one-way favors but don’t know how? It hurts to give and give and feel used. Been there, done that! I want you to understand the syndrome so you can watch for signs and break old habits. Once you understand why you’ve been a People Pleaser, use my tools to get your needs met nicely by slowly transitioning into a Nice Girl on Top. If I can do it, anyone can! Here are some common reasons for people pleasing:

* Buying Into Sexual Stereotypes: Like me, many girls get more emphasis on marriage and kids than on developing a life/career. Many aren’t taught to value their abilities. My client Heidi  told me that no one ever told her she did a good job. Girls are often treated as more fragile, which decreases self-confidence. Boys are seen as more competent. Needing a man to feel complete implies you’re not whole. They’re also taught that they must fix situations and if the can’Stereotypes imply that pleasing everyone and keeping your mouth shut is best. It takes soul-searching and consciousness to accept you’re entitled to be happy on your own. Letitia is fighting old messages. My client Gina told me “Growing up I always pleased everyone, except me of course. I wanted to learn to fix things but Dad only taught my brothers. They had more freedom. I was warned about getting hurt if I tried new things and felt incapable. In college I took a woodworking class and didn’t saw off my arm as dad feared. I became darn good but was pushed into nursing. I’m still longing to pursue carpentry but after years of being told I’m not capable, it’s hard to find the confidence.”

*“I Like Being Nice”: Some of us simply enjoy being nice. Being liked feels good. But those who enjoy helping people don’t protect themselves from getting taken advantage of. It creates a false sense of being liked . Do you want to be liked for what you do or for who you are? Redefine “nice!” Nice does NOT mean doing favors indiscriminately or always being agreeable. If you’re self –empwoered you can still be kind to others and themselves too. People Pleasers don’t set limits on how much to give—and call it nice. Hello! That’s not nice! It’s buying friends with favors. Set boundaries on how much you give and be kind to others. Be kind to others and yourself as well.

•    An Unhappy Childhood: Being a People Pleaser in an unloving home can score points. Sometimes kids are physically or mentally abused and pleasing earns better treatment. It can keep an abusive parent calm. A protective pattern of pleasing everyone can continue into adulthood. Habits can be broken!

•    A Happy Childhood: Strangely enough, a nurturing upbringing can set you up to be a DoorMat. Seeing people through the rose-colored glasses of a happy childhood creates a naive attitude that keeps your guard down in the outside world. My loving parents, friends and neighbors helped each other—I lived in a cocoon of love and caring. I gave a lot but received too. Leaving home was a shock! After an ideal world of nice, I was unprepared for people taking without reciprocation and had no tools to protect myself. It took years to adjust how much I thought I should be giving.

•    Fear of Loneliness: Some People Pleasers go the distance to do favors or pay tabs to avoid being alone. I thought food tasted better with company and treated whoever joined me for dinner in a restaurant! Being uncomfortable with your own company leads to buying friends with favors, etc. But it hurts to wonder if they’d be there without perks. I liked having lots of friends and made sure to please everyone. People only called to confirm a favor. I wondered if anyone would notice if I disappeared, except for losing my services. I was appalled that nobody called if I didn’t call and knew I’d always been alone. That got me stop being DoorMat.

* I’m Not Worthy! Low self-esteem sets you up to get taken advantage. But if you don’t like yourself, why should others like you? Childhood criticism or a focus on your imperfections creates a tendency to put your needs aside to pursue approval. You can discover your worthiness. Read my free book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways!
* Feeling Fat (AKA not being thin enough): Body image is a HUGE self-empowerment buster. Many girls believe that if they’re not thin, they’re fat. I was a tall child. It made me feel big, which translated into fat. Looking at photos, I was never fat. But I tried harder to please since my value felt less than the small, popular girls. Body perception gets distorted as a child, and continues into adulthood, with comparisons to airbrushed women and hating yourself for not being perfect. You can fix the distorted mirror you may see yourself in.

If you relate to any of these, think about it and try to let go o fand resolve old memories  that keep you stuck needing to please. You’re not a child anymore! It’s time to empower yourself!
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Join The Self-Love Movement™! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment“I commit to do my best to do something loving for myself, however big or small, for the next 31 days. and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at http://howdoiloveme.com. Read my 2014 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE. Join the Self-Love Movement™! on Facebook. Watch the video made with Hoobastank’s song–The reason–that illustrates the power of self-love.

Previous Posts

Ditch the Victim Mentality
A common thread among clients who come to me for self-empowerment counseling is “Why do people use me?” And they groan, “Why me?” And they whine, “I’ll never get what I want because of _____.”  I tell them to fill in that blank with, “because I allow myself to be a victim.” People

posted 10:41:37pm Jul. 21, 2014 | read full post »

Standing Up for Yourself
You may be angry at many people and want to tell them all of. But you need to –prepare to take a stand first. Before taking a stand, ask, “Am I WILLING to be serious?” You may want to stop unacceptable behavior, but are you willing to leave or mean “no” or cut visits if ignored? Decide how

posted 12:01:04pm Jul. 18, 2014 | read full post »

Law of Attraction in Action: What You Think Of Yourself
This is post 290 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to manifest your desires. I do it every day! Read all the posts in my Law of Attraction in Action Series to see how. Very often, your biggest roadblocks to achieving goals are the labels you put on yourself.

posted 8:44:56pm Jul. 16, 2014 | read full post »

Why People Become DoorMats/People Pleasers
George Bernard Shaw said, “The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.” Having DMS (DoorMat Syndrome) made me a People Pleaser wh

posted 2:09:35pm Jul. 14, 2014 | read full post »

Law of Attraction in Action: “It’s for the best”
This is post 289 in my series on the Law of Attraction in Action. You CAN use your power to attract all that you need. I do it every day! Read all the posts in my Law of Attraction in Action Series  to see how. People get confused when they’re trying to manifest if something doesn’t work out

posted 12:01:14pm Jul. 08, 2014 | read full post »


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