A common thread among clients who come to me for self-empowerment counseling is “Why do people use me?” And they groan, “Why me?” And they whine, “I’ll never get what I want because of _____.” I tell them to fill in that blank with, “because I allow myself to be a victim.” People don’t make […]
I’m happy to have Dr. Dain Heer back as a guest today.He’s an internationally acclaimed speaker and human behavior thought leader. Dain travels the world, coaching audiences and facilitating classes that teach people to access their own awareness and knowing, empowering them to become their own advocate. He’s changing lives with his high-energy, no-nonsense approach to better living. He’s also the author of nine books on the topics of embodiment, healing, money and relationships. His story and teachings are captured in his latest book, ‘Being You, Changing the World,’ which has been translated into Swedish, German, Spanish, Italian and Eston. More at www.drdainheer.com here’s what his lesson is for today:
Are You Willing to be Different Enough to Have a Great Relationship?
By Dr. Dain Heer
On this planet, we spend a lot—A LOT—of time and energy on love and relationships. We have so many judgments, conclusions and points of view about what relationship is supposed to be. Almost all of us are searching for the perfect relationship, even if we pretend we are not. Unfortunately, most of us are having very little success in this area without ever acknowledging it. I’d like that to change.
How much of your life have you spent searching for the perfect relationship? Here’s a question. Please answer it very honestly: “How well has that worked for you?” If you’re like most people, it has not worked out very well; no matter how hard you’ve tried.
What I’d like to do in the course of this article is to give you some different tools and different ways of looking at things that might actually allow you to begin to create a great relationship rather than trying to create the same old relationship you’ve created in the past.
Do You Know Anyone That Has a Truly Caring and Great Relationship? Truth? Think of it for a second. Do you? If so, you are lucky. Did you know that 90 percent of people would rather have a bad relationship than no relationship? (If you are part of that very small percentage of the population that has a great relationship, this doesn’t apply to you.)That is because people fit when they have a relationship. And one of the worst things in this reality is not fitting. In this reality, almost everyone is looking to fit, looking to try to benefit, looking to win, and looking not to lose.
In this reality, you fit when you have a relationship. You benefit by people not thinking you’re a loser. When you have someone to have sex with, you win. You are a winner! Now, funny enough, it is irrelevant whether you are actually having sex or not . . .
My point of view is: if you want to have a relationship, you should have a great and phenomenal one! Why settle for someone who is going to fulfill some strange need to fit with the rest of the limited world other people find so valuable? Why settle for something that doesn’t truly make your heart sing. Go for what you know that should be possible, and create it! It is possible!
What if we could change the whole paradigm of relationship?! What if we could change it to something that really works for all of us? What if it no longer had to be about control and jealousy and envy and rightness and wrongness and fitting in with everyone else? What if it relationship could be about the gift we can be to—and for—each other? Here areTHREE TIPS TO START WITH: (I know, this may seem weird at first, but if you try it, I think you’ll thank me later.)
1. STOP DIVORCING YOU AND BECOME A LEADER IN YOUR OWN LIFE! Let me ask you a question: “How much of YOU did you divorce to be in your current or most recent relationship?” More than 10%? More than 50%? More than 100%? When I ask this question in the relationship classes I have delivered around the world, most people answer “more than 100%.” Some people say as high as 100,000%. How does it get to more than 100%? I have no idea. But that is what people tell me.
What does divorcing you look like? It looks like not going jogging when you’re in relationship, even though it’s something you love, because your partner doesn’t do it. It also looks like cutting yourself off from your friends and the other sources of contribution in your life when you get into a relationship. What if you didn’t have to do that anymore? What if it’s not that you’re wrong? What if it’s just that you haven’t been given the right tools to create things differently?
So, would you be willing to undo everything you’ve done to divorce you in your current or most recent relationship, please? And reclaim all of you so that you can be more present in your relationship? Thank you.
From my point of view, a true leader knows where they are going, is willing to go where they need to go whether anyone else goes or not, and does not require that anyone else follow–ever. When somebody truly doesn’t divorce himself or herself, they can become a leader in the world. At the very least, they become a leader in their own life, rather than a follower. And this is the place where they truly become a contribution to their relationships as well.
If you have two people who are leaders in a relationship, it works out really well. This is because they are both willing to allow the other person to be exactly as they are. They don’t require their partner to change for them. They both desire the other person to grow, to be more, and to expand, because they are not threatened or intimidated by it. Rather, they are inspired by it!
If you’d like to be inspired again in your relationships, stop divorcing you, stop requiring your partner to change, and be willing to have gratitude for them and you for being exactly as you both are now.
2. ADMIT THAT YOU’RE WAY MORE AWARE THAN YOU THINK, AND YOUR LIFE WILL GET EASIER. Let’s say you were going to give your partner a call—did you know before they answered the phone when they were angry? Or when they were sad? Or when they needed you to call? Or when they needed to have a “talk”?
You knew every single time. (Whether you are willing to admit it or not yet.) In fact, I would wager that the reason you called them in the first place is because you knew they were in a funk or needed something from you. Don’t take my word for it. Just check it out in your own life and see.
How do you know these things? Because you’re psychic, which is a simple and fun way of saying you’re aware of those kinds of energies. You’ve been aware of the energies around you (for example, the thoughts, feelings, and emotions of those you care about) your whole life. 98% of all the thoughts, feelings, emotions, judgments, traumas and dramas that you think are yours, actually don’t belong to you. I know it feels like they do, your heart aches and you have a big black hole in your stomach, and yet, 98% of the time, it isn’t yours! You’re just aware of it!
So, because you are that aware, in order to get more clarity in your life and in your relationships, start asking this question: “Who does this belong to?” for every thought, feeling, emotion, judgment, trauma, drama, and intrigue you perceive. You may just find out that all that stuff in your head isn’t yours.
When you ask “Who does this belong to?”, and the emotion lightens up at all, it isn’t yours! Just return it to sender (even when you don’t know who that is) and ask: “What is true for ME here?” and start finding out what’s true for you. How much easier would that make your relationships? How many times have the points of view in your head actually belonged to your partner? Or someone else?
And, are you aware that most people break up because of that constant self-talk going on in their heads? If that weren’t there, how much easier would your relationship get? And the rest of your life? So if I were you, I would definitely not do this.
3. BE INTIMATE WITH YOU. There is this little thing called INTIMACY—where you are in Oneness. Where everything exists and nothing is judged. In Oneness, I can be you, you can be me. Oneness is very similar to that space you get when you go into the deep woods, where nothing is ever wrong, where you’re willing to receive and gift everything, openly, with nothing to hide. Imagine if you could have that in your relationships. Intimacy is the key, which unlocks the door.
True intimacy has five elements: Honoring, Trust, Allowance, Vulnerability and Gratitude. Notice that you don’t see sex in there? Surprised? Intimacy is something that you can have with everybody, if you’re willing to. It doesn’t require the sex part at all. It’s a way of being where nothing is excluded, everything is included, and nothing is judged. What would it be like if your whole life could be like that? Would it change your relationships? Would it change your relationship with you?
Strangely enough, there is one person who makes the whole difference here. If you were willing to be intimate with this one person—it would give you the choice to have it with anyone else in your life, as it worked for you and as you desired it… By being intimate with YOU.
Please know, just because you are intimate with you, it doesn’t mean you wouldn’t choose to have someone else in your life. It doesn’t mean that you have to go off and be alone . . .
On the contrary, what it does mean is that you can have truly caring people in your life that honour you and trust you, that are willing to be vulnerable (no barriers) with you, and have gratitude and allowance for you. When you’re intimate with you, instead of choosing some person who wants to diminish and limit you, you will actually choose someone who is a contribution to your life.
Some questions to get you started on this road toward intimacy with you:
1. If I were totally honoring of my partner, and me what would I choose differently today?
2. If I had total trust in my partner and me how would I be differently today?
3. If I were in total allowance, where everything is just an interesting point of view, what choices would I have available today in my relationship?
4. How much more vulnerable can I be with my partner and myself today, and what would it take for that to show up now?
5. What would total gratitude, for my partner, and myself every moment of every day, look like, feel like, taste like, and be like in my life and in my relationship? And what would it take for that to start today?
So there you have it: 3 tips for creating a greater relationship. If you embrace these concepts, you may find that you are more able to create the relationship of your dreams, rather than the one of your nightmares you’ve been creating over and over again with the same person just in a different body. Thank you for being willing to consider something completely different.
Join The Self-Love Movement™! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment—“I commit to do my best to do something loving for myself, however big or small, for the next 31 days.” and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at http://howdoiloveme.com. Read my 2014 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE. Join the Self-Love Movement™! on Facebook. Watch the video made with Hoobastank’s song–The reason–that illustrates the power of self-love.