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A Reason to Smile

A Reason to Smile

Q&A – “I don’t want to share my life with him anymore….

posted by B. Dave Walters
When it's over, it's over.

When it’s over, it’s over.

Question submitted via Formspring.me:
“I have split recently with my partner of 12 years. He demands to know what goes on in my life and who I am seeing. I don’t want to share my life with him anymore but he gets really angry with me if I don’t. How do I draw a line w/out making him angry?”

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Unless he’s the abusive type, what difference does it make if he’s upset?
And if he is an abuser, then you are right to have left him in the first place.

Do you have children together? If you do, then you’ll have to find a way to coexist with this man, since he will always be their father, and that means he’ll always be in your life. I suggest sitting down with him, somewhere public (since he’s less likely to flip out in public). Explain to him that your relationship is over, that you’re still partners as parents but that is all; and what you do with your own time is your own business.

If you *don’t * have children, you can still sit him down to have that talk, or not; since as I said before: unless he’s an abuser, what difference does it make what he thinks?
No matter what, your relationship is over, you don’t have to give him updates on your life, whether or not he throws tantrums like a little kid. If he does things that make you fear for your safety, call the police and do whatever else you need to do to protect yourself, but know that him checking up on you is just another way of trying to maintain control.

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It’s going to take quite a bit of time and distance before you can be friends if ever; the best thing is probably to cut him off cold turkey for a while and see if you even want to have any sort of dialog with him somewhere in the future.

Bottom line: you don’t owe him any explanations; if he chooses to get upset about that, it’s his problem not yours.

Keep us posted on how it turns out.

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me: http://about.me/BDaveWalters

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Ask me anything: http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Become a supporter of my work: http://www.patreon.com/bdavewalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another — A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

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How to find happiness and feel real love

posted by B. Dave Walters

Happiness comes from within

In my coaching work, the number one question I get is: How can I be happy?  Inevitably, the second question is: How can I find true love?

A common mistake people make is believing that the solution to their problems lies outside of themselves.  Or, that the circumstances going on around them is the cause of how they feel inside, but nothing could be further from the truth.

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The reality is, true happiness and real love both come from within, not from without.

In a recent episode of All About You with B. Dave Walters, we talked about: How to feel happy in an instant, how to feel real, true, and lasting, LOVE, and how to tap into the one real source of power in the Universe.

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So here, I would like to talk about the love we can find in another human being.  First, realize something important about people: everyone is doing the best that they can.  We are all at the mercy of our own baggage and unresolved traumas from the past, and everyone makes mistakes.  We have talked many times about how to get rid of past baggage, but until we do it is all too easy to get hung up responding to what happened in the past, rather than what’s happening now.  For instance, if the last guy you dated cheated on you, and this one hasn’t returned your phone call for a couple of hours, you might find yourself getting needlessly upset.  There are 100 reasons why someone wouldn’t call you back in an instant; maybe he’s in a meeting.  Or at lunch, or asleep, or his cell phone battery died, or…anything!

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The number one thing that blocks us from giving or receiving love is our own fear of getting hurt.  And the only reason we fear getting hurt, is deep down inside we feel like we aren’t really good enough to receive to receive love. This is why truly loving yourself is so important.  Remember, you cannot love anyone, or let anyone else love you, more than you love yourself.

Make sure you watch that video to learn how to feel happy in an instant, and how to anchor yourself in something bigger than yourself.  Once you have true and lasting love in your heart, then you’ll be able to freely share it with everyone around you.

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You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me: http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything: http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another — A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

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“I am being shown images of ‘beautiful ‘women and none of them look like me….”

posted by B. Dave Walters

Question submitted via Formspring:
“Hi, I’m a nineteen year old African American female and ever since I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be attractive. In this society, being “HOT” is valued. At least in the mainstream sort of way. But I look absolutely NOTHING like that, at all. I’m 5’1 110 pound African American young woman with a medium chest and butt. My natural hair is thick and curly. In society’s eyes, you must be tall, blonde with big boobs and a big butt. I am being shown images of “beautiful “women and none of them look like me. I have no desire to be WHITE. According to mainstream black is not hot unless they have white features. I am unwilling to sacrifice my blackness and black pride just so society thinks I’m “HOT”. I know this may seem like a vapid question but it’s legitimate. I’m sure there are a lot of black girls just like me who feel the same way. It has nothing to do with wanting to be white, it is the desire to be considered “hot “. Can I have some LOA help here please?”marcus-aurelius-soldier-anything-in-any-way-beautiful-derives-its (1)

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I have put a lot of thought into this; as a father of two little black girls who’ll have to grow up in the exact same world that you have, this is a question that is very close to my heart.

First and foremost, let me tell you something important: This is not just a problem for black women; all women the world over are often subjected to an unreasonable, unsustainable, if not outright unattainable standard of beauty.

Men have our own unrealistic standard to be sure; but it tends to be tied more to accomplishments and possessions than our physical appearances.  This picture basically says it all.

Another important thing to remember is that those women you are comparing yourself to don’t look like that all the time.  A few years ago, a rumor came out that the average Playboy photo shoot took between 50 and 70 thousand pictures that they picked the best 8-10 out of, BEFORE the photoshopping and everything else.

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And that’s not counting all the other…alterations.

You can’t compare your fresh out of bed look to someone else’s professional hair / makeup / styling / personal training / week long dieting look!

That being said, there are some things you can control, and some things you can’t.  One thing you CAN control, is to stop comparing yourself to anyone else; there’s no power in it.  Not only that, often times the people society perceives as most beautiful, can be the most insecure…nothing to envy.

So you’re 5’1 and petite; not only are there literally millions of women who wish they had that build, but here are an equal number of guys who love it.  So the most important thing is that you love it.  You’ll only ever look as hot as you feel!

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You are who you are, and look how you look; it’s up to you to make the most of it (however YOU define it).  If you have natural hair, look up pictures of women with natural hair that you like, and style your hair like that.  Do you wear makeup?  Look at tutorials of new things you can do yours…Miss Fame has several YouTube tutorials that can help you look like any way you want.

If you’re unhappy with your body, look at pictures of women whose bodies you do like; yoga, pilates, running, weight lifting, dancing, crossfit…all have very different effects on the female form.  Once you identify a shape you find pleasing, do what they do to look like they look.

Fashion, career, lifestyle, you can pick and choose the best out of the lives of anyone you see.  You’re 19 years old; you have *infinite* options.  The sooner you release any sense of injustice at what some people believe is beautiful—or anything else for that matter—the happier and more successful your life will be.

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And, on the off chance that you are still doubting me, Tina Turner, Serena Williams , Hale Berry, Beyonce Knowles, Mariah Carey, Iman, Tyra Banks, Naomi Campbell, Lupita Nyong’o, Nichelle Nichols, Janet Jackson, or Lena Horne don’t look like what you described as beautiful, but no one could deny that they are all gorgeous inside and out.

Not to mention the black supermodels you may have never even heard of.  And that’s not counting all the other ethnicities of the world, or our white sisters who still don’t fit the ‘big-boobed blonde- stereotype who are just as hot.

So, to answer your question: You use the Law of Attraction to deal with this by filling your mind with images of what YOU perceive as beautiful, surrounding yourself with them, and as much as possible working to emulate them.  Realize that your beauty and sense of worth do not, and never will come from anything outside of you, and more than anything else realizing that appearances are only a piece of what makes someone beautiful.  Grace is beautiful, Intelligence is beautiful, elegance is beautiful, courage is beautiful, personality, self-sufficiency, being able to tell a joke…all that is beautiful.  Strength is beautiful.

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Never mistake hiding your greatness for humility; those are two very different things.  You are who you are in this world; shine and make the most of it.  Not everyone is going to love you, but you don’t need them to; like Dita Von Teese said: You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.

And above all else, remember this:  The most beautiful thing in the world is a woman who is comfortable in her own skin.  It doesn’t get any hotter than that!

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

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Find out more about me: http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything: http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Become a supporter of my work: http://www.patreon.com/bdavewalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another — A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

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How to stop procrastinating and do what you know you should do

posted by B. Dave Walters

“Just that you do the right thing. The rest doesn’t matter. Cold or warm. Tired or well-rested. Despised or honored. Dying…or busy with other assignments. Because dying, too, is one of our assignments in life. There as well: “To do what needs doing.” Look inward. Don’t let the true nature of anything elude you. Before long, all existing things will be transformed, to rise like smoke (assuming all things become one), or be dispersed in fragments…to move from one unselfish act to another with God in mind. Only there, delight and stillness…when jarred, unavoidably, by circumstances, revert at once to yourself, and don’t lose the rhythm more than you can help. You’ll have a better grasp of the harmony if you keep going back to it.” Marcus Aurelius

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Keep Pushing!

Keep Pushing!

I recently had the honor of being invited to participate in a new group aimed at helping people create the lives they dream about by focusing on your goals in 30 day chunks. If you’re looking to make changes quickly, I highly recommend you check out the 30 Day Collective.

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The question posed was “what’s a change that you wanted to make and for some reason have not been able to, or something that you wanted to pursue and just can’t seem to stay motivated to do so.”
In addition to some direct coaching, I answered all the questions that were submitted to me, two of which I thought would be valuable to share with you:

“Looooooooooosing weight. I always have this little voice that make me believe that tomorrow will be the perfect day to start my new diet. So today, it is time to celebrate = to eat, to drink. And for 30 years, I have been believing this little voice!”

“I am a procrastinator. This began in 1991 when I was diagnosed with a chronic illness that I am working with a coach to spiritually resolve. However, until my physical energy returns, I would like some advice on how to feel better about myself right now, and to parlay that into partitioning what energy I do have into accomplishing priorities. Too much?”

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I talked about both of these questions at length on a recent episode of Rise UP with B. Dave Walters, along with: How to do the things you know you should, and stop doing the things you know you shouldn’t. How to make change, lose weight, get motivated, and much, much, more! Click here to listen.

I put these two questions together here, since although they seem different on the surface, at their core they are the same: Not doing what we “should” do. This problem of procrastinating on the things is not new, and can happen to even the most ‘enlightened’ of souls. The Apostle Paul complained about this exact same thing in the Book of Romans: “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”

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So how does one break this cycle?

The first thing to do, is take a look at your ‘shoulds’. Are these even things you really want to be/do/have? The first questioner wants to lose weight…why? The second person wants to be able to ‘partition energy into accomplishing priorities’…why? As you dig into these things you are telling yourself you ‘should’ do, it may not even be your wish at all. You might have absorbed the voices of your parents / significant others / friends / society so thoroughly you’ve fooled yourself into thinking it’s what you want, but it may not be at all. And, it’s also possible that your goals have changed. I had a goal of running a marathon, until after getting injured repeatedly and getting too skinny for my own tastes, I realized it wasn’t what I wanted after all. I dug and found that what I REALLY wanted was to prove to myself that I could stick with something difficult for a long period of time. Once I realized that, I was able to adjust my actions and hang up my running shoes.

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Next, ask yourself what exactly do you want. It’s not enough to say you ‘want to lose weight’; how many pounds, and by when? If you want to ‘handle priorities’, what exactly do you want to be able to do with your time? If you want to save money, exactly how much do you want to put away, and by when? The more vague an idea is in your head, the less power you will feel; this works for goals and for worries. If you find yourself using words like ‘always’, ‘never’, ‘everybody’ and ‘nobody’, chances are you aren’t feeling particularly powerful at the moment. Always remember specificity is the path to power.

Once you know exactly what you want, ask yourself: Exactly what will doing this gain me, and what will not doing it cost me? Get as clear as possible on the positive benefits of changing; how you’ll feel once you reach your goal weight, or the sense of accomplishment you’ll have when you accomplish something that you once couldn’t do. Imagine as vividly as possible the last time you felt that way in your life, and if you don’t have a good example imagine what it will feel like. Start anchoring yourself as often as possible in the mentality of this thing having already arrived. Don’t focus on it coming, since it will always be somewhere in the future; focus on the reality of it being here NOW.

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Ask yourself why hasn’t it happened already, and why this time is different. The Human mind is a strange thing. We all have a certain way we see ourselves, and anything that gets too far away from this self image can be uncomfortable. So if we’ve spent 30+ years looking at ourselves as overweight, we will find ways to continue seeing ourselves that way, even if we don’t want to. If you over-identify with having a chronic illness, you’ll always mentally hold yourself back. You can counter this by taking in stories of people who have had bigger challenges than you have, and still overcame them to do great things. Like Helen Keller said: “Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.” Make a conscious choice to finally move forward, and let nothing and no one stand in your way!

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Give yourself a carrot to chase. This means set a specific, tangible goal, but make it small. If you want to write a novel, plan a reward for every page you finish; if you knock out one a day, then your novel will be done in less than a year. If your goal is to lose 50 lbs, plan a specific reward to give yourself every 5 lbs lost. Whenever I start a new workout cycle, I pick two outfits: One that fits right now, but not well; and one that won’t fit at all. Then half way through the program, I try on both and see how they fit; I do it again at the end. Often times it’s hard to see our bodies changing day-to-day, but this sort of thing gives you proof that you’re making progress. Side note: Always take before and after pictures when you start a new exercise program for this exact same reason!

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Do SOMETHING every single day. It always amazes me when people come to me with something they want to be, do, or have, and I ask them: What did you do today to make it happen? Nothing. What did you yesterday? Nothing. Well then, I may have discovered your problem! I can’t stress enough how important it is to be in action EVERY DAY. It doesn’t matter how small, if your goal is to lose weight then remember losing a pound a week if 52 lbs in a year. So any time you’re about to put something in your mouth, ask yourself: Is this getting you closer to, or farther away from your goals? If you want to be more productive, ask yourself: Is what I’m doing right now the highest and best use of my time? And by the way, any time you might feel compelled to say “I don’t care,” or ESPECIALLY “I can’t help it,” that’s a giant red flag that you’re about to make the wrong move. You have control over your mind and your actions, use it wisely!

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And finally, be gentle with yourself. Some days are going to be better than others, and you’ll have days that you back slide. Some days the chocolate chip cookies are going to win. Some days you’re going to stay on the couch watching Netflix. And guess what? That’s ok! The secret is to plan for them in advance! Give yourself a cheat meal, or an entire cheat day where you don’t have to work out and can eat whatever you like. Let yourself off the hook to be lazy and do absolutely anything you want from Saturday night through Sunday afternoon. Whatever discipline you decide on, give yourself a chance to let your hair down from time to time. And when you slip up and fall short, don’t make a big deal about it: Just admit you messed up and get back on the wagon. No drama, no beating yourself up, just get back on track. No big deal.

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And that’s it, that really is all there is to it. You can do anything in the world following the steps outlined here. It’s simple, but by no means easy! But if you clear on what you want—and why—and take action every single day, then success is inevitable. Just remember to enjoy the ride!

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me: http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything: http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

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Become a supporter of my work: http://www.patreon.com/bdavewalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another — A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

 

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Q&A: I love him, but I’m afraid all he wants is sex II

posted by B. Dave Walters

 

Question submitted via Formspring:

“I need advice. I’ve been seeing this guy for about 8 months now. We started out with a very casual relationship. We would hang out and we would have sex. That’s it. It was fun at first but as time went on I started to develop feelings for him. Now I’m in love with him. I’m crazy about this man. I recently expressed my feelings for him and he was shocked. We don’t have sex as often and we don’t hang out as often because of our very busy schedules. I forgot to mention there’s an age gap. I’m 21 he’s 29. I’m frustrated because I want us to develop into something more..but there’s so many obstacles in the way. The age difference isn’t that big of a deal to me but it might be to him. The base of our relationship also started off as sex and I feel like making that change is going to be difficult. I don’t know!! My thoughts are all scrambled!! Pleaseeee help me.”

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You have to know when to let go.

You have to know when to let go.

 

We have talked before about what to do when a man only wants you for sex.  I also spoke about this question at length on a recent episode of Rise UP with B. Dave Walters, along with:
How to do the things you know you should, and stop doing the things you know you shouldn’t. How to make change, lose weight, get motivated, and much, much, more! Click here to listen.

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So, as always, let’s break this down into pieces:
You’ve been together ‘about 8 months’.
You started out ‘casually’, aka friends with benefits.
First it was just sex, but somewhere along the way you fell in love with him.
You told him, he was ‘shocked’ and now is ‘too busy’ to see you.
There’s an 8-year age gap.
There are ‘so many obstacles’ between you two being together (?)
You understand that it’s going to be hard to go from hooking up to a real relationship.

Well first: “I’m about to make a wild, extreme and severe relationship rule: the word busy is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word “busy” is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact in every silo you uncover, all you’re going to find is a man who didn’t care enough to call. Remember men are never to busy to get what they want.”― Greg Behrendt, He’s Just Not That Into You

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I’ve got some bad news for you: The chances of this working out are slim to none.
I know that isn’t what you want to hear, but I say it for several reasons.  First and foremost, when you told him how you felt, he started withdrawing.  And no, he isn’t ‘busy’; he was just as busy when he had plenty of time to hook up.  If he is claiming he has no time for you now…see the above quote.

Most importantly, the key to a successful relationship is two people being on the same page: If you’re both just having sex, it can work; just dating, or madly in love; all can work.  But if you are after two different things, you’re in for trouble.  As someone once said to me, “be careful you’re not making love with someone who’s just having sex.”

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So understanding that he’s now had every chance to form an emotional connection with you and has chosen not to, that should tell you everything you need to know.

I went into much greater detail about this, and what you should do next in the radio show recording I linked above; give it a listen and it will help you a lot.

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me: http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything: http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

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Become a supporter of my work: http://www.patreon.com/bdavewalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another — A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

 

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An Eclipse, an Equinox, and a Super Moon, oh my!

posted by B. Dave Walters

Friday, March 20, 2015 will mark a very powerful alignment of energies that will burn you up if you’re not careful, or propel you like a rocket if you make use of them!

Three major events are taking place, with several other events happening in the background.  First, it’s the Spring Equinox, one of two days of the year when day and night are exactly equal.  There’s a solar eclipse (!), and a Supermoon. Although they will be separated by a few hours, astronomical events aren’t like switching on and off a light switch, so we’ll be feeling the effects all at

You'll feel it, even if you can't see it!

You’ll feel it, even if you can’t see it!

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once, in some cases leading up to it and days, or even weeks afterwards.

One quick side note: Astrology is like a weather report, it doesn’t *guarantee* anything, just like a 50% chance of rain doesn’t mean a single drop will fall, or a guarantee of warm weather doesn’t mean there won’t be a blizzard!  So don’t make too big of a deal about this, or any other astrologically based thing you read, it’s just given you a clue to the flow of energy around you.  OK? OK.  So let’s look at how all these events intertwine, and what it means to you.

“A new moon occurs when the moon passes in front of the earth and comes between the sun and earth. A solar eclipse occurs when the new moon passes directly in front of the earth blocking out the sun’s light. A super moon, or pedigree moon, occurs when the moon is at its closest point to earth in its orbit. At this time its effects on the Earth’s oceans are larger than average. This is also a new eclipse cycle. Every 19 years eclipses occur in the same place and this is the first of a new cycle of eclipses in Pisces by the south node of the moon.

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To have all of these factors coincide together is unusual to say the least.” (source)

Solar eclipses function like new moons on steroids, and the fact that is happening during a Supermoon should make this an especially powerful time.  Since this is all happening in the sign of Pisces, which is about dreams, emotions, and introspection, very odd dreams and VERY high emotions should be expected.  Eclipses are also a time that our ego gets blocked, allowing our true selves to shine through, giving us a chance to sort of reboot. If you fell a bit short on those New Year’s Resolutions, this is a fantastic time to start over again.

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But along with that is a chance for greater empathy and an understanding of what’s going on in the hearts and minds of our fellow human beings. Mercury, planet of communication will also be in Pisces, and this is the end of a 3-year-long cycle of Uranus and Pluto being square to each other, which is all about social justice and change.  It’s no coincidence the march on Selma happened under these conditions, and the Ferguson demonstrations happened under this one.  Take this time to look not only within yourself, but outside of yourself to see how your actions and inactions are affecting the world around you.

Next, roughly 13 hours later the Spring (Vernal) Equinox begins. As we talked about before the equinox is about a time of transition.  Where the Autumnal Equinox was about turning inwards, focusing on yourself, and planting seeds and making plans, the Vernal Equinox is about moving forward and expanding.  Just like the Earth is starting to wake up from its winter nap in an explosion of new life, this is the time for you to start pushing into new and uncharted territories.  That book you’ve been meaning to write? Start it.  That class you want to take? Enroll. Now is the time to start emerging from your cave!

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So in conclusion, take this time to look inside yourself for clarity.  Answers on where you’ve gone wrong, what you should be doing, and what really matters to you; and above all else: Be HONEST with yourself.

Take what you find there, and put it into action; ride the wave of the planet’s forward push to start making progress of your own. And as always, do SOMETHING every single day to get you closer to where you’re trying to go.

This is going to be one of the most powerful times of introspection possible, and it’s either going to be a time of breakdowns or breakthroughs, so don’t take it personally if people are overly emotional or just aren’t themselves.  Keep your head up, go with the flow, and keep moving forward!

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What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me: http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything: http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Become a supporter of my work: http://www.patreon.com/bdavewalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha — Interfaith dialog

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Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another — A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

 

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Are you growing, or just growing older?

posted by B. Dave Walters

“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn’t quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”

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― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

This is true as it gets!

This is true as it gets!

As of the time of this writing, today is my 37th birthday, as well as celebrating the 4th anniversary of my radio show, Rise UP with B. Dave Walters.  In honor of the day, I talked about several of the most common questions I receive:

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In honor of my birthday, we’ll talk about:
How to conquer FOMO, Fear of Missing Out.
How to have unshakable confidence.
How to know if you’re really in love.
How to trust, and how to forgive.
How to know why people do what they do, and what they’ll do next.

So here, I want to leave you with the number one thing that I have learned in my 37 years of life.  The good news is, this is the key to all power, and the secret to have absolutely anything you want to be, do, or have in this life.  The bad news is, you won’t want to hear it.

The secret I this: You have absolute control over your life.  It is now, and will always be what you make it.  Your life right now, your relationships, your finances, your vocation, your body, and everything else are a direct result of the choices you’ve made and the actions you’ve taken up until now. And there’s nothing wrong with your life right now; it is exactly what it needed to be to get you to this point, and you are exactly who you needed to be to make it happen.  And in that, you are perfect. Right now, in this exact second, you are perfect.

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But if you want to be, do, or have, something else, you’re going to need to make some different choices and take some different actions.

If there is anything you are unhappy with in your life, I would ask what did you do today to make it better?  How about yesterday, or the day before?  If the answer to any of those is ‘nothing’, then I may have found the problem!  And more importantly, now you know where to focus your energy to start creating the change that you want to see.

Give that episode a listen (you can click here to listen), since I gave dozens of tips you can use to help you make that change.  Just remember, above all else: You deserve to have a life you are proud of; you deserve to have the very, very best.

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What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me: http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything: http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Become a supporter of my work: http://www.patreon.com/bdavewalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha — Interfaith dialog

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Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another — A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

 

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How to feel happy, and be at peace

posted by B. Dave Walters

“You always own the option of having no opinion. There is never any need to get worked up or to trouble your soul about things you can’t control. These things are not asking to be judged by you. Leave them alone.” ― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

In my Coaching work, a question that comes up again and again is how to feel happy, and be at peace.  For one reason or another, a person has something that has damaged their calm and is making them unhappy.

Every day is the greatest gift you can get.

Every day is the greatest gift you can get.

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I went back and looked at my most popular articles, and talked about all those topics on a recent episode of Rise UP with B. Dave Walters.  We talked about:  How to get up when you hit rock bottom, how to know what to do with your life, how to know if your lover only wants sex, and much, much, more.

So, how can you stay calm, happy, and peaceful?  The first thing is to pay attention to the meanings you are attaching to things.  When someone says or does something that hurts you, step back and ask yourself: What would you say if a complete stranger said or did this same thing?
What would you tell your best friend if they were in this exact same spot?
What would make someone say or do something like this?

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Everyone believes their problems are extremely complicated and unique in the world; when the truth is that’s VERY rarely the case.  The further you can step outside yourself and look at the situation like it was happening to someone else, the easier you can see the truth of it.

Now, there is no guarantee this truth will be easy to accept, or even make you happy in the short term.  The truth is like surgery: It hurts but it heals.  For instance, if someone doesn’t call you on your birthday, you can choose to be upset by that, or ask yourself: Why wouldn’t they call?  Early in the day, there may be 100 reasons: Their phone is dead, or they are at work, or tied up somewhere they physically can’t call.

But, as the day moves on, another realization starts to kick in: They didn’t call because it wasn’t important enough to call.  And when someone starts showing you that you don’t rank as a priority to them, they should stop being a priority to you, too.

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Which leads to the next thing to remember: Anything outside of you—people, circumstances, or anything else—only have what power over you that you give them.  Again, remember the ‘stranger’ test I gave above.  If the exact same words or behavior wouldn’t bother you from a stranger, then the words or behavior aren’t the problem, but the meanings you are attaching to them.  And this is something you can choose to release at any time.  Once again to quote Marcus Aurelius (who gave excellent advice on how to avoid letting other people hurt you):

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“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your opinion of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”

And finally, and most importantly: While it may be true that there’s always something to be upset about, there are ALWAYS more things to be grateful for.  Form the habit of looking for the good, or at least the lesson, in every situation you are faced with.  Pessimism is easy; anyone can look at a situation and see what’s wrong with it; there is nothing particularly noble or enlightened about being negative.  It takes a special kind of person look clearly and see all sides to be able to spot the good along with the bad.

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So really, that’s all there is to it: Be aware of the meanings you are attaching things; they are neither good or bad, but how we think about it makes the difference.  Realize if you’re unhappy, it’s up to you how you are looking at things, which can help you do whatever you need to do to change.  And once you can see things clearly, you can let go of whatever you need to let go of so that you can move forward.

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What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me: http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything: http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Become a supporter of my work: http://www.patreon.com/bdavewalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha — Interfaith dialog

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Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another — A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

 

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How to motivate yourself…finally!

posted by B. Dave Walters

“It’s a New Year and with it comes a fresh opportunity to shape our world.

So this is my wish, a wish for me as much as it is a wish for you: in the world to come, let us be brave – let us walk into the dark without fear, and step into the unknown with smiles on our faces, even if we’re faking them.

And whatever happens to us, whatever we make, whatever we learn, let us take joy in it.

Every day is a new year!

Every day is a new year!

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We can find joy in the world if it’s joy we’re looking for, we can take joy in the act of creation. So that is my wish for you, and for me. Bravery and joy.”
Neil Gaiman

The New Year is upon us!  But I’ll tell you a secret: Every single day is a new year.  So while New Year’s Day is a good time to try and start making changes in our lives, every day is a chance to begin again and do better.

Unfortunately, most people’s New Year’s resolutions is nothing more than a list of things they ‘should’ do, and ultimately won’t.  It becomes a list of all the things we are doing wrong, which will just make us feel guilty until it’s filed away until next December.

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So, how to break this cycle?

As you know, you can ask me anything, and I’ll either respond directly, write and article, make a video, or talk about it on the radio.  This is one of those times where I had to do all of the above!

First, on a recent episode of Rise UP with B. Dave Walters, we talked about:
How to do the things you know you should, and stop doing the ones you know you shouldn’t!  How to change in an instant, and much, much, more!  Everything you need to make 2015 the best year of your life!

After I got off the radio, I realized I had more to say so I made a video about why your New Year’s resolutions haven’t worked in the past, and how to make them work every year from now on!

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YouTube Preview Image

So today, I’d like to give you a few pointers on how to get motivated to do the things you really want to do.  Notice what I said there: The things you WANT to do, not the things you should do.  Since as I pointed out in the video, anything you ‘should’ do is never going to happen.  Everything in your brain is wired to rebel against being forced to do anything.

So, the key is to set your mind on things that pull your forward, rather than push you from behind.  Ideally a good goal has a bit of pushing and pulling, the stick and the carrot as it were.  For instance, if you have a goal to lose 20 lbs, my first question would be why do you want to lose 20 lbs?  The number on the scale is meaningless, it only has what power you give to it.

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ANYTHING outside of yourself only has what power that you give it.

So maybe you want to lose the weight to fit into a certain outfit for a certain party, or to be ready for beach season.  But why does that matter?  To turn heads? Why does that matter?  Keep drilling down until you get to the core of what your motivation is.

I’ll tell you another secret, though: If your ultimate goal is some sort of external approval, you’ll never be satisfied.  This is one of the main reasons goals fail: Ultimately it wasn’t for YOU, but to get someone else’s approval. You don’t need anyone else to accept you, you only need to accept yourself.

So knowing that, maybe you instead frame it as “I want to lose 20 lbs in the next four months so that I can feel healthy and strong, and I can prove to myself what I’m made of.  I don’t want to feel like a prisoner in my own body and like I’m forced to hide from the world anymore.  I want to be able to step out on the beach and feel proud of all my hard work and everything I’ve accomplished!”

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See the difference?  There’s a goal, a deadline, a compelling ‘why’, AND a focus on how it will feel when it’s done.  Any goal you set should have this level of richness and detail.  And I’d submit that as you look back on the things you’ve accomplished in your life, you probably had this level of clarity as you worked at it.

Now, let’s say the things you want feel like they are so far away that you can’t even get started.  We talked recently about how to get up when you hit rock bottom, but more than that I’d say start with smaller goals.  If you are on the edge of being homeless, setting a goal to make a million dollars is the wrong goal; start out with focusing on stabilizing your current situation.

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Small, *consistent* progress is what makes the difference.  Remember to do SOMETHING every single day towards accomplishing your goal, and victory is guaranteed; and even better, you’ll enjoy the process.

One last thing: If there is some old habit or painful memory holding you back, this video will help you change it once and for all.

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

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B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me: http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything: http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Become a supporter of my work: http://www.patreon.com/bdavewalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

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Love One Another — A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

 

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Racism and the Law of Attraction (Video)

posted by B. Dave Walters

“I love America more than any other country in the world, and, exactly for this reason, I insist on the right to criticize her perpetually.”
-James Baldwin

That's all there is to it!

That’s all there is to it!

Question submitted via Formspring:
“Hi, I am trying to find a way to apply the Law of Attraction to the police shooting of Micheal Brown. I am a black woman who has known racism, how do I understand this? I don’t want to harbor hatred but it is hard not too. I have also have a son.”

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I’ve been doing this for a long time now, and I always make it a point that you can ask me anything, you can even ask anonymously.  And I’ll either reply directly, I’ll write an article, do a video, or talk about it on the radio.  This is one of those rare times that I’ll do all of the above.

In the video below, I finally weigh in on Ferguson and New York, as well as where racism comes from and how the Law of Attraction can be used to counter it!

YouTube Preview Image

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I realized afterwards, that there’s was more to say about it (there’s always more to say about, unfortunately), so we talked about this again on a recent episode of Rise UP with B. Dave Walters, which ended up being a Law of Attraction master class, along with:

How the Law of Attraction can be used to change the world and heal rifts like in Ferguson and in New York. Why your goals aren’t manifesting, and how to get out of your own way so that they will, And, how you can start *today* building 2015 into the best year of your life, and much, much, more!

So here in this article, I want to deal with the specific question of how to apply the Law of Attraction to major issues like this, all while avoiding allowing bitterness to overtake you.  So as always, let us break this down into pieces:

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You are a black woman.
You have experienced racism, and are trying to understand what happened.
You don’t want to harbor hatred in your heart, but you’re concerned because:
You have a son yourself.

A point I made in the video, as well as on the radio that I’m a large black male in America, which makes me about two steps away from being a large black bear.  Also, being from Little Rock, Arkansas, means I have experienced almost every shape and flavor of racism and intolerance you can imagine.  And yes, it will wear you down if you let it.  So as for how you manage it, a few things.

First, you said you’ve experienced racism, but you counter that with all the examples you’ve had dealing with people who didn’t behave negatively at all.   If I run into someone who’s rude to me, my initial assumption is that they are having a bad day.  My second assumption is maybe they are just a jerk.  A very distant third is they’re a racist.  Remember, the more you look for something, the more you tend to see it…even when it’s not really there.  Especially when it’s not really there!

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If you don’t want to hold on to hatred, the simple answer is: Don’t.

Never forget that police are human beings. And because of that, there are good ones and there are bad ones, and even good ones make mistakes. There are bullies and there are heroes, and all too often it’s the bad eggs that get all the attention. Not unlike the brakes on a car, no one notices when they are working properly, but EVERYONE knows when they aren’t.

Buddha said holding on to anger with the intent of hurting someone else, is like picking up a hot coal with the intention of throwing it: You are the one who gets burned.  And while some anger can be good—as long as it prompts us into healthy action—bitterness is a poison that hurts you, and ends up spilling onto the ones you love.  While we cannot let injustice go unchallenged, we also can’t let bitterness take over, or the haters win. And the haters must never, ever, win.

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And you help yourself by letting your son know there is bad in the world, but that there is FAR more good!  Teach him to be a good person, and to stand up for what is right; and to show him as many examples as you can of other people doing the same.  Never forget that now and always, there is much more that unites us than separates us, and we are all in this together.

There is and always will be darkness and injustice in this world.  You don’t beat darkness by allowing it into your heart; you beat it by letting your own light shine brighter.

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me: http://about.me/BDaveWalters

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Ask me anything: http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Become a supporter of my work: http://www.patreon.com/bdavewalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another — A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

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