A Reason to Smile

A Reason to Smile

Q&A: I love him, but I’m afraid all he wants is sex

posted by B. Dave Walters
Don't create the problem....

Don’t create the problem….

Question submitted via Formspring:

“Mr. Walters, I’ve been seeing this guy for about two and half months now. We spend lots of time together, sometimes he’ll call me just to chat and to see how I’m doing, he’ll even bring me lunch sometimes when he knows I’m alone at home. Unfortunately, we spend most of our time in bed. I feel myself getting really attached to him, sometimes he’ll even come over just to watch a movie, but when I asked him if he wanted commitment a few weeks ago (I really felt myself wanting that from him), he said that his heart was still broken from his last relationship and that he wasn’t ready.

There was the odd time where I found things a little mysterious, and I asked him if he had another woman in his life, especially since for a while we were just sleeping together, and his answer was, ‘’What, you don’t trust me? I told you everything it is you need to know.’’ I really think he’s just not ready, but the problem is that I AM and I actually feel myself falling in love with him. I’m worried that the more time goes on, the more I’ll get hurt if he never wants to commit. I’m already obsessing about when he’ll call me next, etc. Is this healthy ? What should I do ? I don’t know if I’m ready to let go just yet in case I let an opportunity for love with this guy pass me by, but I’m torn between my needs and his. His last words to me were, ‘’let’s stay like this for now and all the rest we’ll see. Let’s take it one day at a time sweetie’’ . Is this guy playing me just for sex, or does he actually see himself spending more time with me ? Is there even hope for a relationship ? Hope you can help me out with this one, it’s really tearing at my heart…”

As always, let us first break this down into pieces:
“I’ve been seeing this guy for about two and half months now. “ That’s not a lot of time!

“We spend lots of time together, sometimes he’ll call me just to chat and to see how I’m doing, he’ll even bring me lunch sometimes when he knows I’m alone at home. “ So he’s attentive and affectionate, that’s good.

“Unfortunately, we spend most of our time in bed.” A guy who’s taking all the sex he can get? Also sounds pretty normal!

“I feel myself getting really attached to him, sometimes he’ll even come over just to watch a movie, but when I asked him if he wanted commitment a few weeks ago (I really felt myself wanting that from him), he said that his heart was still broken from his last relationship and that he wasn’t ready. “Not wanting to commit after such a short period of time is normal, and pending how long he was with his ex and how long ago the break up was, he may not be ready to any time soon.

“There was the odd time where I found things a little mysterious, and I asked him if he had another woman in his life, especially since for a while we were just sleeping together, and his answer was, ‘’What, you don’t trust me? I told you everything it is you need to know.’’ ‘For a while you were just sleeping together’…so that means you’re doing more than that now?  You asked him about committing even earlier in the relationship and although he hesitated, he still took the time to reassure you.

“I really think he’s just not ready, but the problem is that I AM and I actually feel myself falling in love with him. I’m worried that the more time goes on, the more I’ll get hurt if he never wants to commit. I’m already obsessing about when he’ll call me next, etc. Is this healthy ? What should I do ? I don’t know if I’m ready to let go just yet in case I let an opportunity for love with this guy pass me by, but I’m torn between my needs and his. “ Yes, but besides a label on your relationship, what exactly is it that you need that he’s not giving? And while wondering when you’ll next hear from someone you love is totally normal, *obsessing* over it is not healthy, no.

“His last words to me were, ‘’let’s stay like this for now and all the rest we’ll see. Let’s take it one day at a time sweetie’’ . Is this guy playing me just for sex, or does he actually see himself spending more time with me ? Is there even hope for a relationship ? Hope you can help me out with this one, it’s really tearing at my heart…”

So, to be clear: After less than 90 days you have a guy who seems to be interested in you, who’s affectionate, thoughtful, open and caring…and that’s bad because he doesn’t want to put a label on your relationship?

It seems the issue is that your relationship got off on the wrong foot: You started with a foundation of sex that you are trying to turn into a foundation of love, and that’s a tough shift to make.  Ultimately, there are only two things you need to do now.

First: Be patient.  Everything you are describing is a healthy pace for a new relationship, especially one that got physical quickly AND has someone coming off a bad breakup.  Stressing because it’s not moving as fast as you want it to is just going to create a problem out of nowhere and complicate what you’ve got.

Second: Be very clear with him on what you need.  The issue isn’t a title, or a commitment; the issue is that you are looking for reassurance.  You want to know that he wants you for more than your body, which is understandable.  So if you want to go out and do more things together, say so.  If you want to have dates that you have to get dressed up for, let him know.  Understand that you’ve already allowed sex to become a major component of your relationship, and if you try to remove, or even reduce that now, he will withdraw from you.

It seems like you have a good man who cares about you, and that’s a good thing.  It seems he’s trying not to let his unresolved baggage, issues, and trauma from the past sabotage this one, and you need to do the same.  Notice, that you allowed him to form an early expectation of being able to come over to spend all your time together in bed…probably because you wanted him to love you.  And even now, your number one fear is that he doesn’t really love you now.

Look back at your past relationships and see how many times this pattern has played out; if I had to wager a guess it’s happened multiple times.  The only way to free yourself from this pattern is forgiveness.  Forgiving yourself for what you’ve done (and not done) and forgiving everyone who’s hurt you in the past. That’s the only way you can create the space to let this relationship grow into something healthy and lasting.

But in the meantime, relax and enjoy him.  Don’t spoil what you have obsessing over how you want it to be.

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me: http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything: http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha – Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism – Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another – A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

 

 

It’s okay to not be okay

posted by B. Dave Walters
We all fall down

We all fall down

“Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labor does the body.”
― Seneca

On a recent episode of Rise UP with B. Dave Walters: Simple Answers to Life’s Hard Questions we talked about getting up after falling down: Being true to yourself, why we have difficulties, how to trust, how to forgive, how to create what you want in life, and much, much, more.

One of the things we talked about was the fact that it’s okay to not be okay.  There’s an idea floating around in some members of the self-development / Law of Attraction community that you can never have a bad day. That even admitting that you are feeling anything other than wonderful is some sort of mortal sin.  To which I would respond with:

36 Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” 37 He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. 38 Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”

39 Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”
Matthew 26:36-39 (NIV)

This passage is important for at least three reasons: First, if Jesus Christ, one of the greatest spiritual teachers of all time can feel down, *anyone* can.  Second, if he can admit it to his closest confidants, *anyone* can. And third, notice what he does next.

Does Jesus keep whining, moaning, complaining, or feeling sorry for himself?  No.  He turns it over to God and releases it.  He does all that he can, and trusts that everything will work out for the best.

That’s an important distinction: Things may not work out how you want them to, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t working out for the best.

So when you are having what may not be your best day, just remember: Admit it, vent if you need to, release it and keep moving forward; ever forward.

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me: http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything: http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha – Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism – Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another – A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to love again

posted by B. Dave Walters
It's meant to be shared

It’s meant to be shared

“To be rejected by someone doesn’t mean you should also reject yourself or that you should think of yourself as a lesser person. It doesn’t mean that nobody will ever love you anymore. Remember that only ONE person has rejected you at the moment, and it only hurt so much because to you, that person’s opinion symbolized the opinion of the whole world, of God.”
― Jocelyn Soriano, Mend My Broken Heart

Question submitted via Formspring.me/bdavewalters:

“Dear Dave,
I have just found your videos and what you say resonates. My mind understands but my heart struggles to get to that feeling place of love. How do I break the chain that has love and pain attached, preventing me from peace and joy?”

Thank you for the kind words! Like always, first let’s break this down into pieces:
“My mind understands, but my heart struggles to get to that feeling place of love” you’re feeling some separation between what you ‘know’ and what you feel.  “How do I break the chain that has pain and love attached, preventing me from peace and joy?” All of this totals up to only one thing: A bad break up.

We have talked before about how to let go of someone and move on. For now, the first thing to remember, is just like the quote says only one person has rejected you, not the whole world.  And it’s easy to believe that one person’s opinion means more than the rest of the world combined, but I’ll tell you a secret: They only have what power over you that you give them.   Because in the end, they said and did what they said and did, and they did and didn’t do, what they did and didn’t do.  You can’t control that, but you can control the meanings you attach to it.  And you don’t *have* to let this person control your happiness any longer.  Don’t give away your power…they don’t deserve it.

Look back over your past relationships: Is this the first time you’ve had someone treat you this way? Or the fifth…or the twenty-fifth? If you find that you’ve manifested multiple relationships like this, then ask yourself what is it in *you* that is making you believe that you don’t deserve true and open love and affection?  I’ll give you a hint, though: Find out who and what you need to forgive  and you can break the cycle for good.

Think back over your past relationships and look for patterns, both for the type of person you’ve been involved with, and how you’ve behaved in the relationships.  Once you can see where you have gone off-track, you can make different choices in the future; once you can see it, you can control it.

Now, on the off chance that you’re not coming off a bad breakup, and you are asking the question more generally, everything still begins with forgiveness; forgiving the people who hurt you, and forgiving yourself, too.  You have to believe you deserve to be happy; to feel peaceful, loved and appreciated for who and what you are before anyone else will.  Remember, how much you love yourself sets the limit for how much you can love anyone else, and how much you will let them love you.

As long as you love yourself first, forgive everyone for what’s happened up until now, AND don’t punish the next person for the last person’s mistakes, everything will fall into place.

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me: http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything: http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha – Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism – Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another – A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

 

Resolving to do better in 2014

posted by B. Dave Walters
Yes, yes you are. ;)

Yes, yes you are. ;)

Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right.
-Oprah Winfrey

Every year around January 1, we take out a piece of paper and list our resolutions; all kinds of things we are ‘resolving’ to do better.

My question is: do you know where this year’s list is? And if you do, how many of your resolutions did you keep?

In these articles I talk quite a bit about change , gratitude, and optimism  but ultimately it’s just words if you don’t have a system and structure in place to apply it to your life.

As I sit down and look at my own life, I have to admit something painful: it’s not working like I want it to work.

Don’t get me wrong, I own a few businesses that keep a roof over our heads and food on the table, but I am not succeeding on the level I’d like to be succeeding at. So in the interest of ‘practicing what I preach’ I’d like to share with you the exact same steps and tools I am using for myself, in the hopes that you might gain something, too.

Step 1. Decide what you don’t want.
For example, are you tired of struggling to make ends meet? Perhaps you are unhappy with your body, or are tired of being alone. Write down (ideally on paper, but computers are fine) everything in your life you are unhappy with.

Step 2. Decide what having things they way they are is costing you.
What this means is, if you are overweight, that may be keeping you from going to the beach because you’re embarrassed. Or not having the right relationship leaves you feeling lonely and incomplete. For everything you listed that you don’t like, list all the negative repercussions you are experiencing.

Step 3. Decide what you DO want. 
Don’t hold back here, really write out your dream life. You may not make it there in a year, but you can still make progress every day. More importantly, you’ll NEVER get there unless you know what you want and start working towards it.

Step 4. Decide what you’re willing to give in order to have your goals.
I’ve realized an amazing thing: I have these talks with people, and they get all excited about how live can really be; we make a plan and they leave all excited.

And then they don’t do anything!

Realize that you’re going to have to do things differently to get a different result. If what you’re doing now was going to get you your goals, you’d already have them! So what are you willing to commit? Is it turning off the TV an hour earlier to work on writing that novel you’ve always wanted to write? Is it getting up an hour earlier to go to the gym before work? Is it joining a singles group so you can get out and meet new people?

A word of warning though: don’t commit too much too quickly. You may be able to jump into 3 hours of meditation or lifting weights every day, but if it’s too hard or too much you won’t keep up with the program. Your brain works similar to a thermostat in a room, it is designed to keep you within a comfortable range. So if you try to do too much, too fast you’ll find your desire evaporates and you go back to doing the same old comfortable things.

It’s better to do a little bit every day then do a lot and give up after a week.

Step 5. Do it!
I think you see the logic in this plan: if you truly understand what you want, why you want it, and why it’s better than your current situation, then you’ll be able to get it for yourself.

If you see changing as too hard, too much work, or not worth the effort, then you won’t (which is why most people’s resolutions never happen).

One other thing:
Some people say you should tell everyone about your goals, some say tell no one. Some people say to think about them all the time, some say put it out of your mind completely. So which is it?

Here is the answer: do whichever seems right to you.
If you are so excited you want to tell the world, do it. If sharing your plan with others makes you feel insecure, then don’t.
And think about it as much as possible without resorting to worry. The goal is to stay excited and enthusiastic; if you start feeling anxious or doubtful, put it out of your mind (but keep following the plan!)

It’s as simple as that.

 

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me: http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything: http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha – Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism – Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another – A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

 

Why you can’t sleep at night, and how to fix it.

posted by B. Dave Walters
Does this seem familiar?

Does this seem familiar?

In my Coaching work, one of the most common complaints I hear is of people not being able to sleep at night.  Whether it’s not being able to fall asleep, stay asleep, or not being able to get your mind to quiet down, there are a few things you can do to help fix it pretty quickly.

We are  assuming you’ve taken care of the simple things, like not having caffeine or exercising too close to bed time.  And of course, a glass of red wine before bed might solve your problem automatically!  However, assuming you’ve already taken care of the simple things there are a relatively small number of things that can keep you awake at night.

Before we begin, it’s important to remember a very important detail about sleeping: On your way to sleep, and immediately when you wake up, are the two best times to influence your subconscious mind.  It’s when your innermost self is the easiest to reach, and most easily influenced.  It’s the absolute best time to make use of the Law of Attraction.

But…what do most people think about on their way to sleep? What do you think about on your way to sleep?  Probably fears, worries, anxieties, and generally what you *don’t* want!

So the first step is simple, so simple that it’s easy to overlook: Give yourself permission to sleep peacefully. Consciously direct your thoughts to good things as you lay in bed. Make it your intention to fall asleep quickly, and sleep through the night. If there is something you’re trying to attract, this is the absolutely best time to think about it.  Just let your mind linger on how good it will feel when it arrives, but if you find your thoughts shifting to worry or impatience, think about something else instead.  If you can’t manage positive thoughts, at least focus on non-negative ones; sports you enjoy, movies you like, songs you enjoy, things like that.

Next, learn how to meditate if you don’t know how to already.  I’ll tell you a secret: One of the main reasons why you should never meditate laying down is because it’s so easy to fall asleep. Any sort of visualization slips you into the same state of mind that usually leads to sleeping.  However, since the entire point is going to sleep, laying down while you do it works pretty well!  I have recorded a meditation you can use not only to fall asleep easily, but to program your dreams or answer any and all questions you might have.

Finally, the last step is also simple, but it’s not easy: Figure out who it is that you need to forgive, and what it is that you need to release.  I’ll tell you another secret: Just because a thought pops into your mind, doesn’t mean you have to believe it. Look at everything that runs through your mind like someone else is talking to you; just like you wouldn’t let the ramblings of a crazy person on the street damage your calm, you don’t have to let your idle thoughts bother you, either.   However, your subconscious mind is on your side, and in their own way all your thought, dreams, and emotions, are trying to help you.

If there’s someone you can’t stop thinking about, have you forgiven them for what they did, or did not do? As always, forgiveness doesn’t mean you are saying what they did or didn’t do was OK; maybe it’s NOT OK.  Forgiveness simply means releasing your negativity and resentment, it’s something you do for yourself, not for anyone else.  If there’s something you regret, have you forgiven yourself for it yet?  If you did your best, have learned something, and hopefully tried to make amends, what else is there?  Like I said at the beginning, the first step is giving yourself permission to sleep.  If you can’t release your regrets, you’re going to have a hard time finding peace.

But I have good news for you: You deserve peace. You deserve rest, and you deserve to wake up every morning rested and happy.  And if you follow these few simple steps, it will show up for you faster than you can possibly imagine.

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me: http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything: http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha – Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism – Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another – A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

 

Good news for tough times

posted by B. Dave Walters
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood....

It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood….

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”
― Fred Rogers

It’s easy to start feeling more than a little overwhelmed by all the terrible things we see in the world. Everywhere we look, there seems to be stories about wars, natural disasters, crime, and how the world is generally going to hell. Things are worse than ever…right?

No.

I have some ideas I’d like you to try on: Maybe the world isn’t getting any worse; maybe it is how it’s always been. Think about the vague claims about how cancer rates are going up, when maybe just cancer *diagnosis* rates are going up. I remember when I was young it was very common to just say that Uncle So-and-So just got old and died. Now we know exactly what is going on with all of us. Consider, in the past it would have taken months, possibly years, for news of the storms in the Philippines to reach the world. Now we hear about it even before the storm hits.

Which leads to the second point: Right after a disaster like this hits, what happens next? A spontaneous outpouring of support from all over the world; millions of dollars and tons of supplies get donated. When you see a car wreck, a house on fire, a crazed gunman, or any of the other things that get hyped by the media, what else do you see? People, ordinary citizens, rushing to do something to help their fellow human beings.

Which brings me to the final point: It’s true that the media has a vested interest terrifying us; after all, if it bleeds, it leads. Bad news gets people’s attention…but maybe it gets our attention *because* it is so alien to us. Maybe the real reason all the wonderful things we do for each other, all the kind, selfless acts human beings do on a daily basis aren’t news, is because on an instinctual level, it’s what we expect. Don’t get me wrong, we all fall short from time to time, and may not always treat each other the way that we should, but deep down inside we all understand that hurting one another isn’t natural.

So sometimes we may lose track of how good this world really is, and especially how sweet this life is. And if you don’t believe that, stop by a hospital intensive care unit or a prison and see how precious our health and freedom really are. Resolve now to keep your light shining, and live as a reminder of just how blessed we all really are, just to be alive.

After all…world peace is up to you!

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me: http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything: http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha – Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism – Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another – A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

 

 

Three quick ways to find peace and happiness

posted by B. Dave Walters
Just Let Go

Just Let Go

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s B.S. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”
— Jim Morrison

As we have talked about many times before, most of the pain that we experience in the present is rooted in our own unresolved issues, baggage, and traumas from the past.  And Life, being the greatest school that there is, will continue sending us the same lessons over and over again until we learn them.  So, if you find yourself making the same sort of mistakes over and over again: The same bad relationships, bad jobs, or general unhappiness, here are some tools you can use to start finding your way out of that cycle once and for all.

Tool #1: Forgiveness.
Really, this all boils down to forgiveness: Forgiving them for whatever they did or didn’t do, and forgiving yourself for what you did or didn’t do.  Now remember, when we say forgiveness, it doesn’t mean that whatever they did or didn’t do is OK…maybe it wasn’t OK at all.  But, it’s done, and in the past. My favorite quote on forgiveness comes from The Buddha:  ‘Holding on to anger with the intent of hurting someone else, is like picking up a hot coal with the intention of throwing it: You are the one who gets burned.’

Of course, forgiveness can be very difficult to manage; if it was easy, you’d have done it already!  The first thing to figure out is who it is that needs forgiving (and don’t forget to put yourself on that list!).  The biggest clue is to see how you are feeling now, and think back to the earliest memory you have of feeling that way.  Who was there?  What was happening? It may seem like something simple, but you’d be amazed by what things stick with us.  If it’s a particularly painful memory, I have recorded something called a ‘swish pattern’ that you can use to heal painful memories, sometimes instantly.

Tool #2: Writing it out.
Often times, it’s not possible to tell the person that we forgive them.  It may not be possible to talk to them for one reason or another, up to and including them having transitioned to the next world.  And, quite often the other person may not want your forgiveness, if they don’t think they did anything wrong!  Luckily enough, that doesn’t matter, since forgiveness is something you do for you; it’s a gift you give *yourself*.  Remember, the goal is not validating their choices, but releasing your lingering negativity towards them.  Since good, bad, or indifferent, they did their best; in the end, they were the product of THEIR own unresolved baggage, issues, and trauma from the past!

So, the way around this is to write down everything you want to say to them.  Actually write it on paper, not type on a computer.  There are many reasons why I say that, which are beyond the scope of the article, so just trust me on this one.  Say any and everything you need to say, be as mean and nasty as necessary, or as genuine and caring as you feel.  There is no way to do this wrong, the only mistake would be holding back.  Once you are done, I do *not* suggest you give the letter to the person; once again, this is about you letting it out and your healing.  I recommend you either keep it somewhere safe, or believe it or not: Burn it.  Once you’ve truly released it, why keep it around?

Tool #3: A heart-to-heart talk.
So, I just got done saying not to give the person you’re forgiving the letter, so who is it I’m suggesting you talk to?  This tool is simple to explain, but I can be hard to do because you’ll have to face your harshest critic and source of all your insecurities: Yourself.

Here is how it works: Go somewhere with a mirror and privacy; restrooms work best, but your car’s rearview mirror works well, too.  Anywhere you can look yourself in the eye and speak at a normal volume without worrying about who might hear you.

First thing you do is just look yourself in the eye, and hold that eye contact for a little while.  Believe me, it’s harder than you think!  And once you spend a little time connected with yourself, tell yourself *out loud* that you forgive yourself.  Admit your mistakes, and say out loud what you learned from them. Tell yourself how beautiful you are, how strong, how wonderful, and brilliant you are.  Say all the things to yourself you wish someone else would say.  Give yourself the validation that you wish would come from someone else.

And I’ll tell you a big secret: Words only have what power over you that you give them. And I can prove that words have no power in and of themselves: No matter what someone said in the past that hurt you, what if a crazy person in the street said the exact same thing…would it have bothered you? Of course not; so why do you let what anyone else says bother you, either?  In the end, how much you love yourself will set the limit of how much love you can give OR accept, and this time with yourself will just make you more available and present to the important people in your life.

Yes, I’m serious…I do this daily, and if you do this it will change your life; I promise you that. If it’s tough to do or seems silly, that will show you just how hard you’ve been on yourself up until now, so add that to the list of things to forgive!

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me: http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything: http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha – Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism – Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another – A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

 

 

Q&A: How to deal with emotional abuse

posted by B. Dave Walters
When will enough be enough?

When will enough be enough?

Question submitted via Formspring:

“I think my partner is emotionally abusive, but I’m not sure if that means we need to separate. He stonewalls, withholds, ignores many of my requests for response/information, he seems entitled and self-serving, he claims to care about me but can be cruel.”

First, let’s break this into pieces:
You think (think?) your partner is emotionally abusive.
He stonewalls, withholds information, and ignores your ‘many’ requests for communication.
He seems entitled and self-serving.
He ‘claims’ to care, but can be cruel.
And yet, you aren’t sure that means you need to separate.

My first question would be: If your partner being distant, neglectful, deceitful, emotionally abusive and cruel isn’t grounds to separate, what is?

Note, you referred to him as your partner. Not boyfriend, not fiancé, not lover, partner, which in hetero relationships is usually a sign of some sort of ambiguity.  Perhaps you can’t even get him to have ‘the talk’ about what it is you are to each other, or he may have given you the classic line about ‘not wanting to label it’.  A person being unwilling to commit is generally a sign of one of two things: 1. They are waiting for something better to come along, or, 2. They have a lot of baggage from the past that is making them afraid to commit.  And either one is bad for business.

But focusing on the details you have given, yes it is time to begin trying to separate for several reasons, but the main one is this: If you can’t communicate, you don’t have a relationship.  You said yourself he evades your questions and ignores your needs, but expects you to live up to his (entitled and self-serving).

A better question is, why wouldn’t you want to separate from him? Why do you think this type of treatment is what you deserve, or at least that you don’t deserve better? I’m sure you are thinking “but I love him,” but unfortunately that’s not enough.  Respect and trust are actually more important, and your relationship is lacking in both.

What do you think she should do? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me: http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything: http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha – Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism – Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another – A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

 

Q&A: Can Christians and non-Christians date?

posted by B. Dave Walters
It can work, buuut....

It can work, buuut….

Question submitted via Formspring:
“Can Christians and non-Christians date? If so is the outcome always one of being non-yoked?”

Yes, it’s possible for a Christian and a non-Christian to date successfully.  However, it’s going to take communication and effort…just like any other relationship.

For instance, if two people get together in the hopes of falling love and getting married, that’s no problem; if two people are just dating, or even just sleeping together, still no problem.  But, if one of you wants to get married and the other is just in it for the sex, you are in for problems.  Or, as a friend of mine once said: “Be careful you aren’t having sex with someone who’s making love!”

The same thing is true when it comes to spirituality.  If one of you is a former nun who attends sunrise Mass every day, and the other is a raging Atheist, you’re in for trouble.  But if one of you is a believer who goes to church once or twice a week, and the other was raised Christian but has drifted out of touch over the years, then things will be a bit easier.

Like anything, it isn’t necessary to be twins, but you *do* need to have a mutual respect and understanding.  For instance, one of you can’t start forcing the other to go to church, nor can you stop the other from going.  Are you going to celebrate holidays?  If so, which ones?  If you have kids, will they be raised as Christians, or not?  A common mistake is to believe you’ll let the kids grow up and decide, but that’s actually not possible since they’ll have religious questions LONG before that.  Not to mention how confusing it will be when Grandma has crucifixes on the walls, and Grandpa has Menorahs or Qurans in the living room.

The better question to ask yourself is what are your non-negotiables? What traits or beliefs does your significant other absolutely have to have, or not have in order for you to be happy? Is sharing common beliefs important to you? It certainly is for me.  Do you need to have the same political beliefs?   Some people believe in that as much or more than their religions.  Do you believe that children should be able to express themselves freely, or do you believe they need strict rules and harsh discipline?

As always, as long as you have someone you can respect, trust, love, and grow with, who can respect, trust, love, and grow with you…AND you can communicate with each other, your relationship will succeed.  If you can’t, it won’t.

What do you think she should do? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters
Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything:
http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha – Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism – Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another – A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

 

 

Q&A: We’re getting married, but he suffocates me; what should I do?

posted by B. Dave Walters
If he is too clingy, *tell him* he is too clingy!

If he is too clingy, *tell him* he is too clingy!

(Unedited) Question submitted via formspring.me:

“I am in a relationship for few years now, to everybody he seems to be a perfect lover n partner,but i get irritated very frequently due to his “over lovingness”.feel suffocated as he keeps a track of my every second of a day. wedding is very near.”

(and then she said)
“hi,i m d same girl getting married to over loving partner. I work with this another guy,who always teases me,sometimes complement me,thinks he like me,m attracted to him,not for any long term bond but for fun,may be a date or two. but he never asks. I want him”

Let’s break this down into pieces:
1.You’ve been with him a few years.
2.Everyone *else * thinks he’s a perfect partner…but you don’t.
3.You get irritated and feel smothered.
4.He may be a bit possessive.
5.Some guy at work teases you, and gives you the odd compliment
6.You want to be with this new guy, ‘just for fun’.
7.You are supposed to be getting married soon.

The short answer: don’t marry this guy. Since, you didn’t say you love him, you didn’t mention wanting to be with him. You said everyone ELSE thinks he’s great, which means you don’t.

You said he over does it, and you’d prefer a guy who under does it.

YEARS later, and you’re more interested in having a fling with a coworker than you are with getting married.

Translation: break up. Now it’s possible you are from a culture that won’t let you break up, and you have to proceed with the wedding whether you want to or not.

In that case, sit your guy down and explain to him that you feel smothered.
Tell him you want some more excitement in the relationship, and work together to figure out how you can both feel happy and fulfilled.

Since as always, if you can’t communicate if you don’t have a relationship.

But that is only if for whatever reason you *can’t * break up.
Nothing in your words says you should stay with him, if anything it seems inevitable that you’ll either spend your life with him miserable, cheat on him, or both.

Another thing: the coworker isn’t the solution.
He only looks attractive because you’re bored by your fiancée.
Focus on either fixing or peacefully dissolving your current relationship; you’ll have all the time in the world for whatever fling you like once it’s done.

I’d also suggest you look at why it is you can’t commit to this guy.
It may be that your relationship has run it’s course (which is normal); or it may be you have a problem with commitment.
Look at all your past relationships and see if they have ended similarly.

I’d also look at your relationship with your dad, and his relationship with your mom as an indicator into how you got into this mess.
You may have a good guy you are being too hard on; or a damaged relationship you can’t let go of.

Either way a look into your past will probably give you a hint about your future.

What do you think she should do? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters
Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything:
http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha – Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism – Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another – A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

 

 

Previous Posts

Q&A: I love him, but I’m afraid all he wants is sex
Question submitted via Formspring: “Mr. Walters, I've been seeing this guy for about two and half months now. We spend lots of time together, sometimes he’ll call me just to chat and to see

posted 7:21:18pm Mar. 30, 2014 | read full post »

It’s okay to not be okay
“Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labor does the body.” ― Seneca On a recent episode of Rise UP with B. Dave Walters: Simple Answers to Life's Hard Questions we talked about getting up after fall

posted 5:10:14am Mar. 08, 2014 | read full post »

How to love again
“To be rejected by someone doesn't mean you should also reject yourself or that you should think of yourself as a lesser person. It doesn't mean that nobody will ever love you anymore. Remember that

posted 4:04:09am Feb. 06, 2014 | read full post »

Resolving to do better in 2014
Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right. -Oprah Winfrey Every year around January 1, we take out a piece of paper and list our resolutions; all kinds of things we are 'resolving

posted 12:58:03am Jan. 02, 2014 | read full post »

Why you can’t sleep at night, and how to fix it.
In my Coaching work, one of the most common complaints I hear is of people not being able to sleep at night.  Whether it’s not being able to fall asleep, stay asleep, or not being able to get your

posted 5:27:42am Dec. 09, 2013 | read full post »


Report as Inappropriate

You are reporting this content because it violates the Terms of Service.

All reported content is logged for investigation.