Beliefnet
A Reason to Smile

Question submitted via About.me/BDaveWalters:
“Okay, your post said if I am struggling with online dating to message you. Here I am struggling with online dating!

It's time to change the game!

It’s time to change the game!

My problem is that I’m not attracting people I am interested in. Maybe it’s the site, or my profile, I’m not sure. Help!”

Online dating is a wonderful thing, since it removes time and space from the dating equation.  In the past, the only way to meet someone was to be in the same place, at the same time, have an attraction, and a chance to interact.  Now, thanks to the power of the internet, you can sit back and ‘custom order’ that special someone.

However, first and foremost you have to understand how men think, and once you understand that, look at who you are being in the relationship.  The reason why this is, is even if you found the right man today, but you don’t understand him or how to relate to him properly, you’ll lose him anyway.  So it’s better to look at this as a time to prepare yourself to create the exact kind of relationship you want to have.

Once you are clear on those things, ask yourself, exactly what kind of man are you looking for?  Is he tall or short?  Very fit and active, or a stay at home type guy?  What does he do for a living, or at least what kind of money does he make? If you want to meet a grad student who works at Starbucks, you’ll have to do very different things than what it takes to meet a 45 year old surgeon.

Once you know the kind of man you are looking for, then you can start to ask yourself if the sites you are on, are the kinds of sites he’ll be on.  Wealthy men aren’t on PlentyOfFish, and guys looking to settle down aren’t on hookup sites, like Tindr, either.  Once you figure out the sites you want to setup profiles on, then you need to look at how you’re presenting yourself.  Again, if you want to date a music producer, dressing like a school teacher in your photos is probably not going to catch his attention.  By the same token, if you look like a video vixen in all your photos, don’t expect to attract high-end men who value you for your personality.

If you aren’t sure what to say about yourself in your profile, ,ask your closest friends what they love most about you, and emphasize those things; be sure to ask men what they think, since it’s a man who’s attention you are trying to catch.

One last, but definitely not least thing: Do not lie about anything in your profile! Don’t say you love ‘camping, and quiet evenings at home’ if you don’t.  Don’t say you are into jogging and going to football games if you aren’t.  Your job is to figure out your best mate, and present your best self in a place where he’s likely to see it, and everything else will take care of itself.

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me: http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything: http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Become a supporter of my work: http://www.patreon.com/bdavewalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another — A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

  

12359991_1169559669739607_2901022396509338385_nOn a recent episode of my radio show, Rise UP with B. Dave Walters we discussed the true meaning of Christmas, and how to deal with some of the negative emotions that can come along with it.  I got so emotional while talking about the meaning of Christmas that I cried on the radio; something I didn’t think was possible!

We have also talked about some of the more…controversial aspects of religion, such as whether or not it’s a sin to be gay or whether or not pornography or masturbation are sins, too.

So of course, now it’s time to take on Christmas.

First, let me be clear about one very important thing: Christmas is the most important day of the year, and I believe that the birth of Jesus Christ is the most important event in human history.

Just not for the reasons that you have been told.

So before we can answer if Jesus himself would celebrate this holiday, we have to look at why he *wouldn’t*.

My own personal path has evolved from rejecting any of the pagan elements of the Holiday (and there are several), to being disgusted by the commercialism of Christmas, to where it is now.  So let us look at each of these in turn, and how I see it now.

First, the Pagan elements of Christmas:

It is important to understand that Christmas trees, Yule logs, singing carols, giving gifts and having holiday feasts were done for a very long time before Jesus was born.  People have been celebrating the ‘birth of God’ on December 25th for thousands of years.  Add to that the fact that there is substantial evidence that Jesus wasn’t born on December 25th, but sometime in September.

Here is an excellent (and a little scary) video that gives a short overview about how many elements of Christianity come from earlier religious traditions.  It is important to note: understanding history doesn’t mean you aren’t a Christian, it just means you are informed.

The fact is yes, MANY elements of this celebration were borrowed from other places; but after 2,000 years they are our traditions now.  Anyone who truly wishes to celebrate the way the first Christmas was only needs to go out and do it in a barn!

Second, the commercialization of Christmas:

It is hard to deny that Christmas is big business.

Considering most of our economy is built upon convincing you that you aren’t good enough, it follows naturally that Christmas marketing centers around trying to spend money to fight that fear.

Somewhere along the way, we lost track of giving gifts to show our loved ones that we care, to trying to buy their love and approval.   Ask yourself, when you went Christmas shopping this year, how often did you think about how much they would love and appreciate the gift, and how good it would make you feel to give it?  Or how much did you think about giving gifts because you HAD to?  Because if you didn’t, or didn’t spend enough, what would they say?

Chances are you did a bit of both, and any parent knows there is no feeling on Earth like seeing your children’s faces light up when they open up that special gift.  I would simply invite you to keep the love and appreciation you are trying to express at the front of your mind instead of the commercialism.  Rather than just give the gifts, or even writing it in a card, try telling someone how much they mean to you and how much you care.

That is a real gift.

So, what is the true meaning of Christmas?

I opened this article by saying Christmas is the most important day of the year, and I believe that the birth of Jesus Christ is the most important event in human history; now let me tell you why.

Because no matter how much has been added or subtracted to it over the years, Christmas symbolizes the fact that God opened a way for people to be able to connect with Him completely and directly.  It also celebrates the birth and life of a man who was so completely filled with the Spirit that he provided us with an example we could use to pattern our lives around in order to server God and our fellow human beings.

So would Jesus celebrate Christmas?

Well, the obvious answer is no, he’d be celebrating Hanukkah because he was Jewish!  But, for his 33 years on Earth I am sure he celebrated his own birth; but if he were here in the flesh today he would probably do things much differently.

It is clear in the Gospels that Jesus enjoyed celebrating and having a good time, but it is also clear that he kept serving God at the center of his heart.  So whether he observed Hanukkah as an observant Jew, or Christmas as a Christian is actually secondary to the fact that he would remind us of all the tremendous blessing God has given us, and how important it is to keep that love and gratitude at the forefront of our hearts and at the center of our lives.

I want to leave you with something special: the greatest story ever told.  It’s about a young girl chosen by God, her new husband, and a tiny baby they brought into the world in the humblest of surroundings; in a barn surrounded by animals.  That little baby would grow up to teach us to love one another fearlessly; and to forgive anyone who has slighted us.

To always work to be a blessing to our fellow human beings, because God has so richly blessed us.

So now, I wish you peace, love, and happiness; peace on Earth and good will towards men.   I truly love you, and thank God for you every single day.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you and your loved ones.

The Birth of Jesus (Luke 2:1-21):

1 In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. 2 (This was the first census that took place while[a] Quirinius was governor of Syria.) 3 And everyone went to their own town to register.

4 So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. 5 He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. 6 While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, 7 and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.

8 And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. 9 An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10 But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. 11 Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. 12 This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.

13 Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,

14 “Glory to God in the highest heaven,  and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

15 When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

16 So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. 17 When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, 18 and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. 19 But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. 20 The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

21 On the eighth day, when it was time to circumcise the child, he was named Jesus, the name the angel had given him before he was conceived.”

 

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me: http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything: http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Become a supporter of my work: http://www.patreon.com/bdavewalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another — A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

  

Everyday should be Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving here in the U.S., but I want to take some time out from cooking turkey to have a quick talk about what you’re grateful for.

On a recent episode of Rise UP with B. Dave Walters: Simple Answers to Life’s Hard Questions we talked about “Hope During Dark Times”:

Why World War 3 isn’t breaking out, how to stop being afraid, where anxiety comes from and how peace can be found; the one and only place to find happiness, how and why bad things happen in the world if human beings are innately good (and we are), and much, much, more!

Click here to listen.

So for now, let me say that even though Thanksgiving is set aside as a day to give thanks you should take some time every day to review all the things you’re thankful for.

Just in case you don’t realize how good you’ve got it, here, in no particular order, are 10 great things you may not have considered:

1.You woke up this morning
This one seems simple but the fact is thousands, if not millions of people woke up this morning and didn’t know it was their last. Just being alive is a tremendous blessing, and means you still have at least a little more time to enjoy your life and everything in it.

2.You can see and hear
If you are reading this, that means you can probably see! If I get around to recording a podcast of this, we can find out if you can hear, too! For my blind or deaf Brothers and Sisters out there, you can still be grateful for the fact that you live in a time where technology exists that still lets you live an independent and self-sufficient existence.

3.No one shot at you today
It’s very easy to take for granted that you don’t live in some sort of a war zone. Right now millions of people live in a constant state of fear that some sort of violence will break out, and if you aren’t one of them you should be thankful. Realize that some of those people live right here in this country!
The fact that we have police and military who are willing and able to protect us and come to our aid in and emergency is a luxury that not everyone has.

4.You didn’t go to bed hungry
Self explanatory, but I can guarantee unless you live in an ultra wealthy area, someone within 1 mile, if not 1 block of you, did go to bed without enough to eat.

5.You have a roof over your head
Whether or not you live in your dream home, it is probably a lot nicer than a park bench or an underpass!

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6.You’re healthy
We all have our bumps, bruises, and issues; but by healthy, I mean you haven’t been diagnosed with a terminal illness. If you have been diagnosed with something, refer to the earlier points: you’re still alive and have access to healing the likes of which the world has never seen!

7.You got educated for free
Kindergarten through 12th Grade education was probably yours on Uncle Sam’s nickel. Remember, large portions of the world will never even get to learn to read, much less read Shakespeare or Voltaire.

8.You can decide who and what you want to be
Economic down turn aside, if you live in the “Western” world, you have a level of freedom and self-determination that people would be willing to die to have (and many do just that trying to get what you were born into!)

9.You know someone loves you
If you can’t think of at least one person who loves you (including dogs and cats), then at least know that God loves you and so do I!

10.You live in the single greatest time in history to be alive
There has never been a better time to be alive then this.
Technology has made it possible to travel further in a few hours than we could have in months by horse, train, or ship. Hollywood studios spend hundreds of millions of dollars just to entertain you for a couple of hours! All the knowledge of the world is available at your finger tips through the wonder of the World Wide Web.

And, in case you don’t believe me that you’re lucky to be here right now, I have a simple test:
Is there anyone on this Earth that you’d be willing to switch places with, 100%? And I don’t just mean their fame or fortune, everything. You give up all your friends, all your family, everyone you know and everything you’ve got to take on their life. Their face, their body, their ups and downs.

For all the people I’ve ever asked this question, the answer is always no. If you think the answer is yes, message me  and we’ll talk about it.

Otherwise, there you have it; plenty of things to hit your knees and give thanks for.  I’ve attached a short video to help you keep things in perspective, too.

Enjoy your Holiday, and have some extra cranberries for me!

 

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me: http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything: http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Become a supporter of my work: http://www.patreon.com/bdavewalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another — A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

  

October 27 will mark the last of three consecutive ‘Super Moon’ full moons of 2015. This month has already been a very high-energy time, which may have resulted in thin skins, and more than a few sleepless nights. 

Beautiful, isn't it?

Beautiful, isn’t it?

This full moon will be in the sign of Taurus, which brings our focus to things like finance, and concrete, tangible things.  The Sun, however, will be in the sign of Scorpio, which deals with emotions, sensations, and pleasure among other things.  This could result in conflicts between what we want, and what we know we can afford; do you really need those shoes?  Is that big date night outing really in the budget?

Full moons are always a time for introspection, but this one will be especially powerful.  Because Venus, Mars, and Jupiter are all in Virgo, emotions will easily bubble to the surface.  ‘I love you’ will be easy to say, but be careful, because getting angry and lashing out will be just as easy.

And finally, as always Taurus is the sign of stubbornness; be wary of people digging in their heels and refusing to budge, especially if they aren’t getting what they want.  And be just as careful to make sure you aren’t the one who’s being unreasonable!

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me: http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything: http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Become a supporter of my work: http://www.patreon.com/bdavewalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another — A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

  

This Sunday night at 10:11 PM EST / 2:11 AM GMT there will be quite a sight visible in the night sky:  The largest full, or ‘supermoon’ of the year, combined with a total lunar eclipse.  Full moons are always powerful and supermoons are especially so; adding in the energy of the eclipse is going to create a high-energy time that will be affecting us all for months to come.

This won't happen again until 2033!

This won’t happen again until 2033!

The physical reality of what’s happening is first, this will be a total lunar eclipse, which means the Earth will be between the Sun and the Moon, casting its shadow over it. Second, the Moon is going to get as close to the Earth as it gets in its orbit this year, creating an unusually large and bright full Moon.  Third, as the first full Moon after the Equinox, this is also known as the ‘Harvest Moon’, which traditionally heralded that it was time to bring the crops in.

Now, before we discuss the energetic reality of what’s happening, two points:  First, this is just the flow of energy that’s going on around us right now; think of it more like a weather report than anything set in stone.  And second, the flow of energy doesn’t come on or off like a light switch; the flow will begin tonight, but will affects for days, weeks, and possibly even months to come.

Eclipses always mark times of transition; endings, and new beginnings.  This doesn’t have to be a particularly painful time, unless we are holding on too tightly to things that are better off being released.  If you feel tears coming up during this time, don’t fight it; just let go and release whatever is coming up.  Once again, the pain can only come from holding on too tightly when you need to let go!

Most of what’s going on right now is in the area of relationships, and the resolution of events that were set in motion months ago.  The supermoon eclipse is going to happen in Aries, the sign of forceful, direct, and aggressive action.  The Sun, however, will be in peaceful Libra, which is concerned with peace, harmony, and balance above all else.  As you can imagine, this might create times that feel like having our foot on the gas and the brake at the same time, and the key will be to balance inner drive with outer peace and calm.

The interactions of the other planets are going to be pumping more energy into our relationships, specifically redefining our connections to other people and our boundaries.  This is an excellent time to say all the things that you both know, but no one is saying.  This is a great time to begin new relationship, or begin the process of moving on from ones that have run their course.

And don’t forget, our old friend Mercury is still retrograde, negatively impacting communication, especially in the area of relationships, so don’t be too hard on anyone who gets flustered easily or has trouble explaining how they really feel, or what they really mean.

The best thing you can do during this time is to take action of some sort; anything you know you ‘should’ be doing but haven’t, start it now.  And above all else, don’t just talk: DO something!

No matter what, if you have the opportunity to get outside to see the eclipse, be sure to do it; this exact combination won’t happen again until the year 2033!

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me: http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything: http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Become a supporter of my work: http://www.patreon.com/bdavewalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another — A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

  

Starting on Saturday, August 29th we’ll be experiencing one of the six major ‘supermoons’ of the year, a time when the moon is especially close to the Earth and the full moon effects are particularly strong.

This month’s supermoon will be in Pisces, making this an especially powerful time for art and creativity.  If there are any projects involving art or self-expression that you’ve been putting off, *now* is the time to start them!

Don't miss your window!

Don’t miss your window!

This is also a particularly powerful time for empathy, and connecting not just with your own inner world, but with the inner worlds of other people. Sensitivity will be especially high, so be wary of people acting particularly thin-skinned, but trust your hunches about what it is that may be bothering them.

Also, play particularly close attention to your dreams over the weekend and early into next week, this is about as strong as the connection between your conscious and subconscious minds is going to get, and as such your dreams may be particularly strong and insightful.

Because the sun will be in Virgo, there will be a push and pull between inner ego needs from Virgo, and inner emotional needs from Pisces.  The placement of the planets—Jupiter and Neptune in particular—will magnify this.  There may be a lot of interest in talking about deeper emotional topics, but if you find the conversations getting overly analytical or critical, it’s time to change the subject!

Above all else, this is a great time for introspection.  This is going to be one of the best times of the year to ask yourself what you really want, and what you really want to release.  Take the time to look inside, and pay close attention to what you find.  And above all else, don’t ignore or dismiss your own emotions; if you don’t respect your feelings, you can’t really expect anyone else to, either.

One word of warning, though: For those who consider themselves to already be sensitive and/or empathic, this boost in energy might prove to be a bit overwhelming, leading them to find ways to self-medicate; so if you, or anyone you know falls into this category, be careful out there.

Luckily enough, if anyone you know is going into overwhelm, chances are very high that you’ll be able to sense it, too.

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me: http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything: http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Become a supporter of my work: http://www.patreon.com/bdavewalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another — A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

  

When it's over, it's over.

When it’s over, it’s over.

Question submitted via Formspring.me:
“I have split recently with my partner of 12 years. He demands to know what goes on in my life and who I am seeing. I don’t want to share my life with him anymore but he gets really angry with me if I don’t. How do I draw a line w/out making him angry?”

Unless he’s the abusive type, what difference does it make if he’s upset?
And if he is an abuser, then you are right to have left him in the first place.

Do you have children together? If you do, then you’ll have to find a way to coexist with this man, since he will always be their father, and that means he’ll always be in your life. I suggest sitting down with him, somewhere public (since he’s less likely to flip out in public). Explain to him that your relationship is over, that you’re still partners as parents but that is all; and what you do with your own time is your own business.

If you *don’t * have children, you can still sit him down to have that talk, or not; since as I said before: unless he’s an abuser, what difference does it make what he thinks?
No matter what, your relationship is over, you don’t have to give him updates on your life, whether or not he throws tantrums like a little kid. If he does things that make you fear for your safety, call the police and do whatever else you need to do to protect yourself, but know that him checking up on you is just another way of trying to maintain control.

It’s going to take quite a bit of time and distance before you can be friends if ever; the best thing is probably to cut him off cold turkey for a while and see if you even want to have any sort of dialog with him somewhere in the future.

Bottom line: you don’t owe him any explanations; if he chooses to get upset about that, it’s his problem not yours.

Keep us posted on how it turns out.

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me: http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything: http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Become a supporter of my work: http://www.patreon.com/bdavewalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another — A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

  

Happiness comes from within

In my coaching work, the number one question I get is: How can I be happy?  Inevitably, the second question is: How can I find true love?

A common mistake people make is believing that the solution to their problems lies outside of themselves.  Or, that the circumstances going on around them is the cause of how they feel inside, but nothing could be further from the truth.

The reality is, true happiness and real love both come from within, not from without.

In a recent episode of All About You with B. Dave Walters, we talked about: How to feel happy in an instant, how to feel real, true, and lasting, LOVE, and how to tap into the one real source of power in the Universe.

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So here, I would like to talk about the love we can find in another human being.  First, realize something important about people: everyone is doing the best that they can.  We are all at the mercy of our own baggage and unresolved traumas from the past, and everyone makes mistakes.  We have talked many times about how to get rid of past baggage, but until we do it is all too easy to get hung up responding to what happened in the past, rather than what’s happening now.  For instance, if the last guy you dated cheated on you, and this one hasn’t returned your phone call for a couple of hours, you might find yourself getting needlessly upset.  There are 100 reasons why someone wouldn’t call you back in an instant; maybe he’s in a meeting.  Or at lunch, or asleep, or his cell phone battery died, or…anything!

The number one thing that blocks us from giving or receiving love is our own fear of getting hurt.  And the only reason we fear getting hurt, is deep down inside we feel like we aren’t really good enough to receive to receive love. This is why truly loving yourself is so important.  Remember, you cannot love anyone, or let anyone else love you, more than you love yourself.

Make sure you watch that video to learn how to feel happy in an instant, and how to anchor yourself in something bigger than yourself.  Once you have true and lasting love in your heart, then you’ll be able to freely share it with everyone around you.

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me: http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything: http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another — A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

 

Question submitted via Formspring:
“Hi, I’m a nineteen year old African American female and ever since I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be attractive. In this society, being “HOT” is valued. At least in the mainstream sort of way. But I look absolutely NOTHING like that, at all. I’m 5’1 110 pound African American young woman with a medium chest and butt. My natural hair is thick and curly. In society’s eyes, you must be tall, blonde with big boobs and a big butt. I am being shown images of “beautiful “women and none of them look like me. I have no desire to be WHITE. According to mainstream black is not hot unless they have white features. I am unwilling to sacrifice my blackness and black pride just so society thinks I’m “HOT”. I know this may seem like a vapid question but it’s legitimate. I’m sure there are a lot of black girls just like me who feel the same way. It has nothing to do with wanting to be white, it is the desire to be considered “hot “. Can I have some LOA help here please?”marcus-aurelius-soldier-anything-in-any-way-beautiful-derives-its (1)

I have put a lot of thought into this; as a father of two little black girls who’ll have to grow up in the exact same world that you have, this is a question that is very close to my heart.

First and foremost, let me tell you something important: This is not just a problem for black women; all women the world over are often subjected to an unreasonable, unsustainable, if not outright unattainable standard of beauty.

Men have our own unrealistic standard to be sure; but it tends to be tied more to accomplishments and possessions than our physical appearances.  This picture basically says it all.

Another important thing to remember is that those women you are comparing yourself to don’t look like that all the time.  A few years ago, a rumor came out that the average Playboy photo shoot took between 50 and 70 thousand pictures that they picked the best 8-10 out of, BEFORE the photoshopping and everything else.

And that’s not counting all the other…alterations.

You can’t compare your fresh out of bed look to someone else’s professional hair / makeup / styling / personal training / week long dieting look!

That being said, there are some things you can control, and some things you can’t.  One thing you CAN control, is to stop comparing yourself to anyone else; there’s no power in it.  Not only that, often times the people society perceives as most beautiful, can be the most insecure…nothing to envy.

So you’re 5’1 and petite; not only are there literally millions of women who wish they had that build, but here are an equal number of guys who love it.  So the most important thing is that you love it.  You’ll only ever look as hot as you feel!

You are who you are, and look how you look; it’s up to you to make the most of it (however YOU define it).  If you have natural hair, look up pictures of women with natural hair that you like, and style your hair like that.  Do you wear makeup?  Look at tutorials of new things you can do yours…Miss Fame has several YouTube tutorials that can help you look like any way you want.

If you’re unhappy with your body, look at pictures of women whose bodies you do like; yoga, pilates, running, weight lifting, dancing, crossfit…all have very different effects on the female form.  Once you identify a shape you find pleasing, do what they do to look like they look.

Fashion, career, lifestyle, you can pick and choose the best out of the lives of anyone you see.  You’re 19 years old; you have *infinite* options.  The sooner you release any sense of injustice at what some people believe is beautiful—or anything else for that matter—the happier and more successful your life will be.

And, on the off chance that you are still doubting me, Tina Turner, Serena Williams , Hale Berry, Beyonce Knowles, Mariah Carey, Iman, Tyra Banks, Naomi Campbell, Lupita Nyong’o, Nichelle Nichols, Janet Jackson, or Lena Horne don’t look like what you described as beautiful, but no one could deny that they are all gorgeous inside and out.

Not to mention the black supermodels you may have never even heard of.  And that’s not counting all the other ethnicities of the world, or our white sisters who still don’t fit the ‘big-boobed blonde- stereotype who are just as hot.

So, to answer your question: You use the Law of Attraction to deal with this by filling your mind with images of what YOU perceive as beautiful, surrounding yourself with them, and as much as possible working to emulate them.  Realize that your beauty and sense of worth do not, and never will come from anything outside of you, and more than anything else realizing that appearances are only a piece of what makes someone beautiful.  Grace is beautiful, Intelligence is beautiful, elegance is beautiful, courage is beautiful, personality, self-sufficiency, being able to tell a joke…all that is beautiful.  Strength is beautiful.

Never mistake hiding your greatness for humility; those are two very different things.  You are who you are in this world; shine and make the most of it.  Not everyone is going to love you, but you don’t need them to; like Dita Von Teese said: You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.

And above all else, remember this:  The most beautiful thing in the world is a woman who is comfortable in her own skin.  It doesn’t get any hotter than that!

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me: http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything: http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Become a supporter of my work: http://www.patreon.com/bdavewalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another — A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

 

“Just that you do the right thing. The rest doesn’t matter. Cold or warm. Tired or well-rested. Despised or honored. Dying…or busy with other assignments. Because dying, too, is one of our assignments in life. There as well: “To do what needs doing.” Look inward. Don’t let the true nature of anything elude you. Before long, all existing things will be transformed, to rise like smoke (assuming all things become one), or be dispersed in fragments…to move from one unselfish act to another with God in mind. Only there, delight and stillness…when jarred, unavoidably, by circumstances, revert at once to yourself, and don’t lose the rhythm more than you can help. You’ll have a better grasp of the harmony if you keep going back to it.” Marcus Aurelius

Keep Pushing!

Keep Pushing!

I recently had the honor of being invited to participate in a new group aimed at helping people create the lives they dream about by focusing on your goals in 30 day chunks. If you’re looking to make changes quickly, I highly recommend you check out the 30 Day Collective.

The question posed was “what’s a change that you wanted to make and for some reason have not been able to, or something that you wanted to pursue and just can’t seem to stay motivated to do so.”
In addition to some direct coaching, I answered all the questions that were submitted to me, two of which I thought would be valuable to share with you:

“Looooooooooosing weight. I always have this little voice that make me believe that tomorrow will be the perfect day to start my new diet. So today, it is time to celebrate = to eat, to drink. And for 30 years, I have been believing this little voice!”

“I am a procrastinator. This began in 1991 when I was diagnosed with a chronic illness that I am working with a coach to spiritually resolve. However, until my physical energy returns, I would like some advice on how to feel better about myself right now, and to parlay that into partitioning what energy I do have into accomplishing priorities. Too much?”

I talked about both of these questions at length on a recent episode of Rise UP with B. Dave Walters, along with: How to do the things you know you should, and stop doing the things you know you shouldn’t. How to make change, lose weight, get motivated, and much, much, more! Click here to listen.

I put these two questions together here, since although they seem different on the surface, at their core they are the same: Not doing what we “should” do. This problem of procrastinating on the things is not new, and can happen to even the most ‘enlightened’ of souls. The Apostle Paul complained about this exact same thing in the Book of Romans: “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”

So how does one break this cycle?

The first thing to do, is take a look at your ‘shoulds’. Are these even things you really want to be/do/have? The first questioner wants to lose weight…why? The second person wants to be able to ‘partition energy into accomplishing priorities’…why? As you dig into these things you are telling yourself you ‘should’ do, it may not even be your wish at all. You might have absorbed the voices of your parents / significant others / friends / society so thoroughly you’ve fooled yourself into thinking it’s what you want, but it may not be at all. And, it’s also possible that your goals have changed. I had a goal of running a marathon, until after getting injured repeatedly and getting too skinny for my own tastes, I realized it wasn’t what I wanted after all. I dug and found that what I REALLY wanted was to prove to myself that I could stick with something difficult for a long period of time. Once I realized that, I was able to adjust my actions and hang up my running shoes.

Next, ask yourself what exactly do you want. It’s not enough to say you ‘want to lose weight’; how many pounds, and by when? If you want to ‘handle priorities’, what exactly do you want to be able to do with your time? If you want to save money, exactly how much do you want to put away, and by when? The more vague an idea is in your head, the less power you will feel; this works for goals and for worries. If you find yourself using words like ‘always’, ‘never’, ‘everybody’ and ‘nobody’, chances are you aren’t feeling particularly powerful at the moment. Always remember specificity is the path to power.

Once you know exactly what you want, ask yourself: Exactly what will doing this gain me, and what will not doing it cost me? Get as clear as possible on the positive benefits of changing; how you’ll feel once you reach your goal weight, or the sense of accomplishment you’ll have when you accomplish something that you once couldn’t do. Imagine as vividly as possible the last time you felt that way in your life, and if you don’t have a good example imagine what it will feel like. Start anchoring yourself as often as possible in the mentality of this thing having already arrived. Don’t focus on it coming, since it will always be somewhere in the future; focus on the reality of it being here NOW.

Ask yourself why hasn’t it happened already, and why this time is different. The Human mind is a strange thing. We all have a certain way we see ourselves, and anything that gets too far away from this self image can be uncomfortable. So if we’ve spent 30+ years looking at ourselves as overweight, we will find ways to continue seeing ourselves that way, even if we don’t want to. If you over-identify with having a chronic illness, you’ll always mentally hold yourself back. You can counter this by taking in stories of people who have had bigger challenges than you have, and still overcame them to do great things. Like Helen Keller said: “Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.” Make a conscious choice to finally move forward, and let nothing and no one stand in your way!

Give yourself a carrot to chase. This means set a specific, tangible goal, but make it small. If you want to write a novel, plan a reward for every page you finish; if you knock out one a day, then your novel will be done in less than a year. If your goal is to lose 50 lbs, plan a specific reward to give yourself every 5 lbs lost. Whenever I start a new workout cycle, I pick two outfits: One that fits right now, but not well; and one that won’t fit at all. Then half way through the program, I try on both and see how they fit; I do it again at the end. Often times it’s hard to see our bodies changing day-to-day, but this sort of thing gives you proof that you’re making progress. Side note: Always take before and after pictures when you start a new exercise program for this exact same reason!

Do SOMETHING every single day. It always amazes me when people come to me with something they want to be, do, or have, and I ask them: What did you do today to make it happen? Nothing. What did you yesterday? Nothing. Well then, I may have discovered your problem! I can’t stress enough how important it is to be in action EVERY DAY. It doesn’t matter how small, if your goal is to lose weight then remember losing a pound a week if 52 lbs in a year. So any time you’re about to put something in your mouth, ask yourself: Is this getting you closer to, or farther away from your goals? If you want to be more productive, ask yourself: Is what I’m doing right now the highest and best use of my time? And by the way, any time you might feel compelled to say “I don’t care,” or ESPECIALLY “I can’t help it,” that’s a giant red flag that you’re about to make the wrong move. You have control over your mind and your actions, use it wisely!

And finally, be gentle with yourself. Some days are going to be better than others, and you’ll have days that you back slide. Some days the chocolate chip cookies are going to win. Some days you’re going to stay on the couch watching Netflix. And guess what? That’s ok! The secret is to plan for them in advance! Give yourself a cheat meal, or an entire cheat day where you don’t have to work out and can eat whatever you like. Let yourself off the hook to be lazy and do absolutely anything you want from Saturday night through Sunday afternoon. Whatever discipline you decide on, give yourself a chance to let your hair down from time to time. And when you slip up and fall short, don’t make a big deal about it: Just admit you messed up and get back on the wagon. No drama, no beating yourself up, just get back on track. No big deal.

And that’s it, that really is all there is to it. You can do anything in the world following the steps outlined here. It’s simple, but by no means easy! But if you clear on what you want—and why—and take action every single day, then success is inevitable. Just remember to enjoy the ride!

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me: http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything: http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Become a supporter of my work: http://www.patreon.com/bdavewalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another — A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

 

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