Sassy Spirit

Sassy Spirit

The Road to Myself

posted by jperry

Driving along in the darkness, music as my friend, insights and feelings flood my awareness as gems. Sunroof open to the night sky with sounds of nature and the breeze kicking up the smell of just purchased favorite flowers of Stargazer Lily to cleanse my mama heart. August restlessness of tantrums, messy rooms, and summer boredom call me to balance deeper and often. Words want to play with me and yearn to be heard, so I listen.

In my twenties, I wanted to escape my being and life at times. I could never trust my body, as it gained weight, lost weight and it still didn’t look good enough and anxiety imprisoned me at times. I’d picture actresses in Hollywood and supermoms in my own town to hold the secrets. I wanted to be them. Their children so well-behaved and husbands of GQ style, their magazine lifestyles with homes of perfection. Always crying at the right times, anger level of a soft tone and strength, appropriateness on par, never doing anything to be ashamed of. I longed to be always right, play that role, never doubting my okayness. I felt I was losing my marbles at the same time as gathering a bag of marbles, marbles of mistakes.

I was also looking for riches. But really I didn’t know the riches would come to be my words. That letting my writer girl out was the ticket to all I’d ever wanted. Those women I wanted to know what it was like to be them, the easy street was a facade I realized much later, but it looked so good. To be accepted, validated, and approved of, which now sounds dreadful. To live anyone else’s ideal would suck the living juice out of my soul stuff. Wild is more valueable to me, authenticity being golden. That’s a brilliance and greatness that even if you’re alone in your knowing or opinion, you feel whole. That fills you up like no person outside you can. A fullness. More would to come, of course, and still unfolds like a dance, a sensual dance with my spirit.

My thirties have graced me with some wisdom. I didn’t have to convince anyone is my worth when I actually knew my own. Too much and too little was perfectly me and fiercely just right. I still got hurt, most often myself, but only on occasion. And what would occur was that goddess fire would rise up and sweep us back up. We’d never stay down. We took that sensitivity, that vulnerability and realized that made us strong, like a badass of realness and mushyness. What freedom. Letting yourself be you. Soaring at thirty seven even when I need a rest, or it looks as if I’m still, my wings are thick and light at the same time. My truth sustains me. Thank you. My prayer for always.

What Yoga taught me this summer

posted by jperry

I hadn’t taken a group yoga class for years.  I’d see places I’d like to take, but nothing fit with my schedule or it would be something with the kids.  Really, I learned it’s easy not to take classes where you don’t know anyone.  I did the same yoga DVD during my last pregnancy.  It was so comforting.  It was not a challenge, it was a constant.  Do I like a challenge?  It depends.

When I first got down to that mat on the beach, I remembered I’m not that flexible.  I had forgotten that despite my might, I couldn’t force through poses, like persistence in exercise.  It was more like an unfolding. I was so grateful I don’t live in competition or I’d feel like a loser when yogis melted into pretzel shapes. My body and practice is mine and theirs is separate, if I focus on them, I will fall or get hurt, or not achieve my personal best and see the glory in just showing up and trying. I fell instantly in soul sister love with the teacher, Cailin Callahan, of Golden Buddha Yoga, and felt at ease in her presence.  Some teachers feel like home.  It was a few loves coming together that day, my love of the beach, sunshine, connection with the Divine, yoga, and movement with my body.  Then I decided to take a Kundalini yoga which I knew would be a challenge.  When we had to “Sat Nam” with our arms flappin’ like we were trying to take off, I didn’t know if I’d be able to do it. Doubt monsters were showing up big in that workshop and I ignored them and they disappeared.

I showed up at Hip Hop yoga and saw that in groups I can  be shy in the beginning, when they ask you to say your name and all the intro stuff, I have to tell my inner teenage dork that A.  We’re cool.  and B.  We’re gown up now.  (We’ll not really, but we look like a grown up.)  I bust out of my shell and let myself push through, thrive, and let the fire out.  Those two workshops with Cailin were some of the highlights of my summer.

I continued to do yoga and push through my own “limitations.”  In one class, two weeks ago, anxiety tried to kick my ass.  I had to fight with myself the whole class. It was surrender and prayer, me and God the whole time.

My yoga practice teaches me it’s the balance of challenge and to be.  Ebb and flow.  The tide crashes and begins again.  I must be flexible.  Adapt.  I’m afraid to fall.  I’m afraid to not succeed. I’m afraid I’ll get hurt.  Ahh…the gems of awareness.

Today, we had gnats that were flying around and drinking up my sweat from the sweltering sun on my brow.  I wouldn’t leave, no matter if one flew up my nose. (Close calls there.)  During shavasana, while we lay on our back, still as in meditation, my peace was not disturbed.  Magically the gnats were  gone.  There was an itch In my psyche that made me see I’m afraid of peace.  I’m afraid of too much peace, because then I’ll ultimately have a big wave crash and destroy it.  This could be the gnats in my life like tantrums from my four year old or problems in business.

I love seeing how much more I know, understand, and grow when I’m honest.  I am going to carry this into the upcoming school year with my kids.  I’m not going to go through the motions. I’m going to balance the dance of challenging myself and just being, allowing more of my brilliance to bloom. Thank you.  I love you, Universe. Sometimes you just gotta get up, stretch out of your comfort zone and just try.  Just show up.

Ugh…that mom again.

posted by jperry

“That” mom is different for everyone. Some people dread seeing that mom that is perfect.  Some may not want to that mom who seems angry and on edge.  Yesterday, I was hoping I would not be that latter mom, as I was so her the day before.  I can have a lot of patience and then sometimes it seems like I have none…zilch…zero.  But it’s because a lot has led up to it.  My four year old is still adjusting to not being the baby and acts out, plus he’s four and they’re crazy.

As for being that mom that is perfect has NEVER been me.  I’ve always been too much something and not enough something else for that.  I met one of these moms recently and she had the figure, that perfectly highlighted hair, you already knew what her house would look like, and her kids will reflect her magazine cover of “This is what your life should look like.”  She is BFF’s with “Mrs. Should,” that woman who represents all your should in your own life.  I wanted to be that mom that is perfect, has it all together, not as many junk drawers as me…in fact, she has none.  Her drawers have organizers in them.  When I’d meet that mom in the past, I’d beat myself up.  In my twenties, I’d really want to be her.  Life looked so easy for her.  She made parenting look easy too.  Truth is, it’s not real.  Yes, there are women out there who maybe are really that mom in their home as well as their public persona.  But it doesn’t have anything to do with me.  I’m perfectly me. Comparison and competition will only make you feel like a loser at some point.  Just win at being you.  Focus on your own race, lane, green grass, life…and be that mom/dad/person who is happy with themselves.

Back to my beach day madness two days ago.  I could feel this older couples eyes on me when my son was acting up on the beach. The crowds had thinned out so there wasn’t as much distraction, as in you can’t see our crazy show going on.  “Stop throwing sand.  Don’t kick your brother.  Come here.  Seamus, Seamus….SEAMUS!!!!”  Yep, I’m that mom you judge for her kid being very spirited.  Good thing he’s cute.  When a mom is having a moment like that, smile at her.  It’s a reassurance without any words.  You’re telling her you’ve been there, you can see she’s trying and that her kid is not evil.  When she raises her voice and grabs his hand to show she means business and needs respect in order to keep her kids safe.  When you are that mom, on the beach, in the grocery store, on the playground, struggling with your kids and having the judgment eyes on you it can make you feel alone, angry, and like the worst mom EVER.   Less judgement and more compassion always feels better in our being.  We’re all trying to do our best for the most part.  Let’s try to lift each other up.  To see peace in the world, let’s be peaceful people with our minds and hearts on our own neck of the woods.  And relax.  Be easy on yourself.  Forgive and let go quickly. This goes for your kids and yourself as well.

Prosperity prayer

posted by jperry

Are you broke? In debt? Feel like you can never make enough money?

In our society, we are driven by marketing to have the latest and greatest. To keep striving. To have the ideal life that includes a sizeable bank account to fund it. Do you feel like a failure because of your net worth?

It’s not your worth. It’s just where you’re at today. You can soften the anxiety you feel about your finances by using affirmations like:
Money is always flowing to me.
I attract abundance.
My needs are always met.
Good things always come to me.

They are doable. You can even reach for higher vibrations with:
I am prosperous.
I am abundantly blessed.
I am rich.
My bank account grows every day.
My finances are transforming beautifully every day.
Money is my friend.
I love money.
I love the feeling that money brings.
I am free.

See how each feels to you. Affirmations are a feeling. They are not words alone, but rather an energy. For me, money used to feel like security and peace of mind. Then it became a feeling of fun. It ultimately represented freedom to me. I realized I could have that feeling at any time.

I will lead a special prayer for prosperity.
“Dear God (Universe or whatever feels right), I ask that you bless my prosperity and that of all that need it in the world. That I may see my riches are peace, love, joy, nature, family, my body, my life, and my breath. In my God consciousness, I see it’s done. I need not do another thing. My blessings surround me and I acknowledge them and they grow. I bless others with my prosperity. Gratitude is the perfect channel for me to receive. With open heart, I open to more good in my life and allow prosperity to flow gently into my life without force. I will count my blessings and add blessings to others. My soul is forever and eternally one with you and I step into this knowing fully. I attract abundance because I focus on it. I see with my true eyes all I’ve been blessed with. I seek to be a pillar of Light and as my vibrations raises higher, I open the door for more greatness. My brilliance is further revealed as surrender all my fears, doubts, or worries, to you. I will not longer reach and grasp for richness and plenty, I will be it. Thank you. I love you. In all your glory and grace, Amen.”

Blessings to all that is.  Wishing you all good things, Jenny

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