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The Bliss Blog

Someone asked me last week what it feels like to have pneumonia since he (thankfully) has never experienced it. What came to mind was a feeling of drowning, with water rising in a boat and I couldn’t keep up with bailing out. Ironically, a few weeks ago I had a dream in which a ship in which I was sailing was being flooded and no one noticed but me. Since I have portentous nocturnal visions, this came as no surprise. Clearly, I needed to heed my own impressions and drop anchor and float for a bit. Medical intervention in the ER, at my local hospital and now at home, are helping, in addition to prayers, naps, healing treatments from friends both at a distance and in person. Reiki, Quantum Sun Source Energetics, Reflexology and Somatic Therapy. What I have noticed is that while I have experienced each of these modalities, the pain in my ribs from coughing has decreased dramatically and my breathing has eased.

Initially, I wondered about the ratio between the success rate of each intervention…how much mainstream and how much metaphysical or holistic. My answer was, ‘who cares?’ All I know is that I feel better. It provided insight into what it might be like for my clients who face chronic conditions. Even in the depths of near despair, I knew that there was an endpoint to the illness. For some of those I serve, they have no clue when or even if the symptoms will dissipate. The added anxiety or depression contributes to the level of discomfort. I was able to keep my feelings of angst under wraps by encouraging self-talk and listening to the wise words of others. I am giving myself ample time to recover which is rare for this go-getter workaholic who has a hard enough time sitting still, let along stopping for an extended period. Over the years and in the face of blessedly short-term acute conditions such as shingles, heart attack, and kidney stones, I have taken time off and then resumed steady and sometimes increasing activity, convincing myself that I can handle it. For the short term, I can manage anything, knowing that there is an endpoint and one morning I will wake up and realize that I feel dramatic improvement. Getting there. No rush.

During the Somatic Therapy session, Donna,  the practitioner in training asked me to dialog with various body parts and what I came up with astounded me. One area had me imagine a triangular shaped scone (now I think of it as cranberry orange flavor) and the idea that there needs to be a balance, thus the three corners. At one point, we spoke about my awareness of a safety net that could catch me if I fell, since trusting myself to surrender to the care of others is paramount. I saw it as if it were a bouncy trampoline that could actually provide fun. At another moment in the session, I became aware of the existence of a small and high bouncing super ball that represented my state of being much of the time. Often, I feel like I am here, there and everywhere, unpredictably.  We transformed it into a squishy, squeezy stress ball that I could turn to when feeling overwhelmed. Another metaphor that arose had to do with transforming the rushing flood waters into an easy flowing stream. It brought to mind something I enjoy doing in the summer which is tubing along the Delaware River. Sitting in an inner tube and allowing the flow to carry me rather than paddling through the tide is much more pleasurable and far less fatiguing. By the time I rolled off the table, I felt far more grounded and slept well last night.

Today,  I ventured out to my office for a short visit to make phone calls and do some errands. I was going to say ‘run some errands,’ which is typical of me. I often say I am ‘going to jump in the shower,’ and ‘grab breakfast/lunch/dinner,’ as if I had to rapidly move through the day to get stuff accomplished. Not so, if I want to stay healthy. My mother used to advise, “The hurrier I go, the behinder I get.” When I returned,  I felt wiped and see a nap in my future.

I am reminded of the story of the tortoise and the hare…slow and steady wins the race.

I am writing this article from my bed, listening to music designed to heal body, mind, and spirit. On my bedside table, in the bathroom, and on the kitchen counter is ample evidence that this 59-year-old body is facing yet another round of challenges. I was diagnosed with asthma at age 4, shortly after my beloved grandmother died following a stroke. Losing her was like saying goodbye to a third parent, although I didn’t know at the time what an impact that would have on the rest of my life. I am certain that my family and I grieved together, but my parents modeled (as they did with everything) how to keep on keepin’ on, not missing a step. It wasn’t about appearances or hiding emotions; rather it seemed more about resilience building. I learned it well, and YET, here I am all those years later, recovering from pneumonia that was foreshadowed with challenging episodes of breathing, of running at a rapid pace, not taking time to slooow down and just BE, as if I really know what that means anyway, even as I suggest it to clients and students.

I was forced to do that when, feeling like my lungs were awash, I went to the ER after seeing my PCP the day before. I thought I would simply need a nebulizer treatment and then I would be on my way home. No such… as the doc diagnosed me with pneumonia and told me I would be a guest of the hospital for a few days while they got me stabilized. Family and friends came to visit, call, and send messages online. Reiki and all kinds of healing modalities were offered. Two days after I came home, I was on a coaching call with Lori Ann Davis, whose skills and guidance are assisting me in calling into my life, the partner of my dreams and desires. I first discovered this relationship powerhouse via a series she is part of called Radical Dating. We have been working together for the past year and although men have shown up in my life, I have not yet met the One. At this moment, it feels like a blessing, since another round of relationship lessons has arisen. This one is about not needing to be superhuman to attract a superhero partner. I have been exploring the mystery for decades why I have needed to be invulnerable and invincible to attract lifelong love. Being a caregiver has always felt like insurance against abandonment. On occasion, I have allowed others to take care of me, but only of necessity, this being one of them. I can do my own ADLs, with minor help, like getting a shirt on over my head due to rib injury from coughing too hard. During our session, what arose was that I needed to let things be easy, rather than working so hard for it all. Although I give lip service to taking ME time, this time, there was no excuse since by doc’s orders, I need to take time off from my counseling job and stay home. Now THAT is a huge stretch since my anxiety about financial limitations and FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) by curtailing activities is looming large. I have renegotiated, rescheduled and just outright said no to requests. In the hospital, I watched junk tv, and when a friend brought me some magazines, one was a celebrity tabloid. As I perused the pages, I rolled my eyes at their antics.

I told Lori Ann that I felt I was on the upswing, having slept well the night before and was breathing with greater ease. Spoke too soon, when I coughed too hard and felt my right ribs scream as if I was stabbed between them. I’ve been there before with an intercostal strain. Within short order, I was back in the car as a friend drove me to the ER where I had another nebulizer treatment and sent home with a muscle relaxer and the machine to use here.

I contemplated the journey I am on and know that I need to take the time while I am home to dive deep. I am a firm believer that life keeps handing us a library of lessons and it is up to use to decide which reading material to explore. I also realized this morning, that if love alone was enough, I would be totally healed. I am willing to breathe it in, like the steam from the machine sitting by my bed. I am willing to absorb it through every pore in my skin. I am willing to embrace it as I embrace others.

 

I am a magnet for synchronicities and cosmic coincidence that occur almost daily and I shake my head in bewildered awe at how events and people come together. Over the past month or so these, these have stood out as poignant and powerful examples of how they play out.

I posted this on Facebook: “As my big 6-0 birthday is coming up in October, my intent is to take this trip of a lifetime to Ireland. It’s been on my bucket list for a long while and I’m planting the seeds. Have already been checking out flights and connecting with friends who either live there or have lived there. See the vision with me.” I then asked Spirit to be my tour guide and then surrendered outcome.  What followed was this:

Heeere we goooo…taking a big leap. For much of my life, I have been drawn to Irish culture, literature, music, and people. I have wanted to travel to Ireland for as long as I can remember but was all tied up in knots over money. That has been my go-to ancestral fear, despite the fact that I have always been able to support myself. I mentioned a week or so ago that I planned to go for my 60th birthday which is in October. Back in 2003, I was delighted to discover a magnificent video called A Knock at the Door. Angi Sullins and her husband Silas Toball created it. I fell in love with it. Fast forward to a few weeks ago and she gets in touch with me for the first time, about the possibility of incorporating a piece of my writing into her work. Then this morning, I see that she is taking a group of folks on a tour to…wait for it…Ireland. A clutch of fear and then after talking to a few trusted friends and getting an unmistakable sign this morning, I called her and am all in! Totally committed.

Surrendering to the magic that I know will occur there. I welcome the abundance flowing in that will help me see it through.

And another…

Holy interconnections, Batman! Just got off the phone with my friend  Ruth Weisberg who contacted me after I posted a video created by her daughter Talia (a.k.a. Aunt Terri). I already knew that her mother Libby and my father Moish were childhood friends in South Philly. I am going to visit Libby next weekend and look forward to hearing stories about my grandparents, dad, aunt, and uncles. Now, another overlapping soul circle connection…Libby’s sister (Ruth’s aunt) is the mother of Mama Gena (Regena Thomashauer). Back in February, I sat in an auditorium in NYC as 900-some Sister Goddesses raised their voices and opened their hearts in empowerment. Regena’s mom was there, as was Talia, but we didn’t get to meet. I feel like we are already family. Blown out of the water amazed!

And yet another….

A miracle story to share involving a woman who participated in a class I taught. During the break, at From Haha to Aha: The Power of Laughter, Play and Creativity To Enhance Your Practice, she approached me and said that her mother had died a year and a half ago and she was missing her. Someone had recently asked her if she had received any messages from her mom and she said she hadn’t. Her power had gone out in the recent snowstorm and she had been contemplating at the last minute whether she was going to attend, feeling really down and drained. She decided to join us. She felt like it was a meant-to-be occurrence when she heard my name since it was also her mother’s name….Edie Weinstein. When it was time to leave, after a whole lotta laughing, she felt uplifted and glad she came. It was a pleasure to meet Ava Weinstein Atzram.

More synchronicities.  My friend Ondreah Johnson and I went to the Chung Dam Spa ( a Korean day spa) today for some ahhhh time. In need of pampering for sure. While we were soaking in the hot tub, we struck up a conversation with three sisters who were in there with us. Turns out that one is a social worker (like me), one has been a nurse (like Ondreah) and one is in nursing school. As we were sitting on a sofa afterward, I noticed a woman holding a book and I asked her what she was reading and it was a book written by the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu called The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World. We spoke about my interview with His Holiness and my desire to interview the Archbishop. She is a psychologist whose spiritual practice overlaps with Ondreah’s (Siddha Yoga is part of her experience).

I had a massage that really worked me over. Much more intense than what I accustomed to, but it helped to soften some of the residual soreness from snow shoveling and gym workouts this past week.

Then we headed for dinner. Our intention was to stop at Whole Foods in North Wales, only to discover that they were closed and moving to Springhouse in May. We decided to go to Harvest Grill instead and were so glad we did. The fish tacos were light and yummy and had a house garden salad that accompanied it. Decadent dessert which I usually don’t indulge in was a mini brownie sundae in a shot glass. The bigger treat was that our waitress was Regina Paul who greeted us enthusiastically and noticed the I Love You t-shirt I was wearing and then we hugged. She kept us laughing and smiling the whole time.

Eager to see what signs and synchronicities arrive today.

water

 

Woke up from a ‘what is going on in MY psyche?’ dream. In it, I  was on a ship that was taking on water and sinking, although not like the Titanic which capsized after impact with an iceberg, in one fell swoop but over a period of time that felt like weeks. The people on board hailed from all over the world cloaked in colorful garments. I knew some and others were strangers. We couldn’t get off the floating village even if we wanted to. They all seemed not to want to.  Some had even set up shop in a marketplace space and were selling their wares to anyone who would purchase them. It felt like ‘business as usual’.  I was doing my taking care of others thang that I usually do in my daily life. I found myself reassuring people that we wouldn’t drown and at some points in the dream I was bailing water. I didn’t notice anyone else with buckets in hand, so it felt like I was all alone in my endeavor to keep us afloat.

I kept hearing the song White Flag by Dido as the soundscape throughout which made me chuckle.

“I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door”

As I walked throughout the various levels and rooms of the ship, I saw two couples get married (someone else did the honors) and watched healing take place in a family I know. The father had died a few years ago and he had been abusive to them. In the dream, they were all sitting on a long sofa and he expressed sorrow for his actions and asked for their forgiveness and told them how much he appreciated them. Clearly, he had done some soul-searching and was ready to make amends for his actions.

In another part of the dream, I was running on top of the water and singing about being loved. It felt reassuring that I didn’t sink beneath the surface into the frigid depths. There was a sense of trust that God had my back.

One question that kept coming to me, was that if we were not out at sea, how come no one came to rescue us? No one could answer why. I got the feeling that we needed to save ourselves. The irony was that no else seemed to notice a problem with our circumstances but for me.

Some post dream thoughts:  When I was speaking about it with a colleague today, the intuitive therapist that she is, she pointed out that I was walking on water in the manner of Jesus, as a way of putting my faith in Spirit.  I volleyed back with the reminder that I was not only walking on water but rather, dancing and running.

I was clear that this dream was telling me that I sometimes feel as if I am in over my head, have a fear of collapsing under the weight of expectations, feel awash in emotion, and as if I have to work miracles. It seems to be a reflection of the state of the world, this sense of the importance of pulling together to rescue ourselves from peril.