Lately, my life has resembled a roller coaster ride that has had me gripping the safety bar with eyes closed as I had a few years ago when I was on the legendary California Scream in Anaheim, during twists and spins that turned me upside down in the process. The difference is, I was certain that the amusement park ride would end in a few minutes and I would be able to disembark, walk around and compose myself before getting on the next one. In my daily life, I have no clue how long it will last, how I will feel when I get off and where the next ride will ferry me. At the moment, it relates to job uncertainty.
I have had this (perhaps erroneous and dysfunctional) belief that if I did ‘the right thing, followed the rules, performed above and beyond expected standards, was a caring and loving person,’ then everything would turn out just as I wanted it to. Conversely, I had this mindset that if people lied, cheated, stole, were lazy, expected other people to cover for them, were not motivated, were mean and hurtful, then karma would do its thing.
It bumps up against my current reality. A few years ago, I had landed a well paying, full time job in a field for which I was well qualified. I was able to use my education and experience to do creative work that I loved. I was happy being a member of a far flung team of journalists who worked and played well together. We would feed each other ideas and support each other’s endeavors. I thought it would last far longer than it did; anticipating that I would hold the position for several years at least. A year and a half later, due to budget cuts, I found myself seeking other employment. Within a few weeks, I had secured yet another lucrative writing job and picked up some side gigs as well, assured by the Universe that this one would last. Less than three months later, the same news was delivered and I found myself scrambling to fill the financial gap. Did it make a difference that the job changes had nothing to do with my competence? A little, but the result was still the same. My confidence in my ability was not what was shaken, but rather in the seemingly random nature of the Universe. How could I count on anything?
Today, as I was finishing a session with my friend and chiropractor, Darin Mazepa, he said he had a ‘cute’ message for me. His intuitive powers often are a bonus with his other professional talents. “You are now 96% trusting,” is what he shared. Hmmm,…. being an overachiever, I wondered how I could bump it up to 100%. It also caused me once again to consider the difference between faith, trust, belief and knowing. Still not clear how to separate them out. For me, trust is what I think of as the Nestea Plunge as I fall backward, eyes closed into the metaphorical arms of the Divine. Faith is an awareness that even if I am not sure how long the wait between leaning back and being caught, I do it anyway. Belief is a series of mental constructs that tell me that events and people are a certain way. THAT is where I get tangled up, like a kitten in a ball of yarn. If I test my beliefs, sometimes they serve me and some times they are way off the mark. I wonder if I change them, it will alter the outcome. Is it a self fulfilling prophecy that people act in certain ways because I expect them to, or events unfold as they do, because I anticipate them? Knowing is about reminding myself that I have always rebounded, regardless of circumstances.
The question remains, “Will trusting in the Highest Good outcome bring about the desired result? Possibly. What I do know is that it will help me maintain my sanity and peace of mind in the meantime. I am willing.