Oh My Stars

You’ve probably heard the old adage that “there are three sides to every story — yours, mine, and the truth.” This is a particularly important principle to remember when one is looking at the general nature of the Signs, and Sun Signs in particular. Beyond that, we also tend to have our own prejudices based on personal experience. If you’ve only ever met three Albanians in your life and two of them were dentists, you might assume that most Albanians are dentists… and as a result you are more likely to forget all the Albanians you meet who aren’t dentists. Furthermore, the next time you meet an Albanian who is a dentist, you’re probably going to congratulate yourself on what a keen observer of Albanians you are.

Keeping this principle in mind, let’s re-examine all our assumptions about the Signs… not just through our own observations, or even what people born under those Signs declare about themselves. Let’s explore the nature of each Sign through that most objective and flawlessly infallible of means… court records.

There was sarcasm somewhere in the previous paragraph. Can you spot it?

ARIES: Attempted Vehicular Homicide
Aries: “I have a clean record and a perfect insurance rating, so I think we’ve established I am a competent driver. I have driven past that school many times in past without incident. Since there was damage to the rear of my vehicle, it should be obvious I was rear-ended and thus am not at fault.”
The Defendant: “That’s outrageous! All the evidence clearly indicates I was doing my job at the time and I am not in the wrong here!”
The Ruling: “I rule in favor of the Defendant, who was simply performing her regular crossing-guard duties at the time. And no Aries, you can’t claim for the damage you sustained when you backed over her again just because she made you wait too long.”

TAURUS: Kidnapping
Taurus: “I was entirely within my rights acting the way I did. There were clear rules posted, I paid the proper entrance fee, and behaved in a civil manner throughout the evening until the incident happened… at which time I had no choice but to stand up for myself.”
The Defendant: “At no time during the course of the entire day, from 11 AM until 9:45 PM, did any of us do anything but our jobs in an efficient, professional, and polite manner.”
The Ruling: “Taurus, I find you guilty. The phrase ‘all you can eat’ has practical limitations, and the buffet running out of roast beef and potato salad fifteen minutes before closing time is no excuse to hold the entire kitchen staff at gunpoint until they correct that situation.”

GEMINI: Contractual Dispute
The Defendant: “Your Honor, Gemini was hired to fulfill a contract for services as a personal care attendant, and although at least minimal expectations were met, Gemini’s attention span and quality of work is so scattershot that I am requesting that the contract be rendered void for the remainder of the term.”
Gemini: “If I may… the entire history of modern contract law has reflected both the need for fair and equitable standards AND the need to recognize that personal services must inherently, by definition, reflect the individual nature of the contractor!”
The Ruling: “You raise some valid points about the history of civil jurisprudence, however you seem to have gotten bored and wandered off from where you should be. This is the drive through-window across the street from the courthouse. Have you tried our new Triple Chipotle Burger?”

CANCER: Assault
Cancer: “You wounded me! WOUNDED ME, deliberately and cunningly, and you are a sociopathic narcissistic monster. Everything I dd to you was in self-defense, and you were asking for it the whole time, and I wish you were dead!”
The Defendant: “Your Honor, here is a copy of the police report on the incident in which no action was taken against me by the police, and some photos of my defensive wounds.”
The Ruling: “I rule against Cancer. Cancer, I’m sorry, but neither a stray comment about your Mother that you didn’t approve of nor mild personal criticism constitute ‘attempted murder,’ thus your plea of self-defense is invalid. Furthermore, the Court finds that the Defendant is not liable for the extensive counseling you claim to require now as a result.”

LEO: Disturbing the Peace
Leo: “Democracy cannot last without freedom of expression. Without the ability to speak the truth, ultimately tyranny will prevail and our entire way of life, as protected by the Constitution by our Founding Fathers will collapse. All civil rights must be based on individual rights!”
The Prosecution: “Nonetheless there are clear restrictions when it comes to proselytizing religious or philosophical positions in public places or against the will of others, such as prayer in public schools.”
The Ruling: “I find you guilty, Leo. I don’t care HOW much of a Good Hair Day you are having, it’s doesn’t give you the right to commandeer a sales meeting and shouting ‘All of you, bow down before my mighty hairstyle.'”

VIRGO: Interfering With An Aircraft In Flight
Virgo: “Your Honor, the actions taken by Oceanic Airlines were, and still are, a clear and present danger to public safety, and I wish to claim immunity from prosecution under the Whistleblower Protection Act.”
The Prosecution: “The Whistleblower Protection Act does not in any way apply to this case or the Defendant’s actions that day.”
The Ruling: “I agree. No matter how poor the nutritional value of the in-flight snacks or the health hazard presented by re-circulated air when someone ten rows ahead of you is sneezing, the Defendant has no right to scream ‘MY GOD WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!’ repeatedly in mid-flight.”
Virgo: “However, I am technically correct when I say ‘we’re all going to die, and poor diet and disease are major causes of — ‘”
The Ruling: “You want 30 days more for contempt of court, Virgo? I don’t care if you’re technically correct or not!”

LIBRA: Second Degree Battery
Libra: “I was walking back to work after my lunch break when I turned the corner and saw the defendant assaulting that hot dog vendor. What other choice did I have but to intervene? Where will we all end up if no one cares about these things?”
The Ruling: “The Court finds Libra guilty of assault. Furthermore Libra: I should note that neither ‘being rude to a hot dog vendor’ nor ‘wearing both stripes and plaid at the same time’ constitute ‘assault’, no matter how delicate your aesthetic senses are.”

SCORPIO: Labor Code Violations
Scorpio: “If only you knew the number of years I was subjected to harassment by this man — denigrating my work, never approving my holiday requests, micro-managing, saying things that I really knew were just snide remarks about my professionalism — then you’d be dismiss these charges immediately!”
The Defendant: <silence>
The Ruling: “Scorpio, your accusation of unfair labor practices is dismissed. Now untie your boss and take that gag out of his mouth before I charge you with contempt.”

SAGITTARIUS: Operating Heavy Equipment While Impaired
Sagittarius: “Your Honor, I have worked at ABC Construction for five years now without a single day lost due to injury, and not one single citation for unprofessional or dangerous behavior. I believe my boss reported me simply because he has no sense of humor — which isn’t illegal, but probably should be.”
The Defendant: “Sagittarius had returned two hours late from lunch and clearly smelled of alcohol even before Sagittarius began to engage in the offending bahavior.”
The Ruling: “I find Sagittarius guilty. First of all, ‘I feel lucky’ is never a valid defense. Secondly, what you call ‘forklift jousting’ is clearly dangerous. Finally, you’ve worked there for five years but you’re the receptionist and you don’t even have a driver’s license.”

CAPRICORN: Violations of the Geneva Conventions
Capricorn: “Your Honor, the defendant is a known associate of several accused terrorists, and it has been previously ruled that non-uniformed civilians acting independently against our interests do not receive protections reserved for prisoners of war under the Geneva Conventions.”
The Defendant says: “I was separated from my friends, my family, and my life for years while I was degraded and tortured for no good reason and to extract unreasonable behaviors from me!”
The Ruling: “Capricorn, even if one of your salepeople isn’t performing well and hangs out at lunch with other under-achievers, that’s no excuse for waterboarding that salesperson… and even if that salesperson tells a customer something is cheaper across the street, that doesn’t make him a ‘enemy combatant.’ Also Capricorn, you are a terrible regional manager.”

AQUARIUS: Human Rights Violations
Aquarius: “I’M out of order? YOU’RE out of order! The entire SYSTEM is out of order! I will be taking this to the highest court in the land! Justice must be done in this case! Everything our society is based on depends on it Your Honor!”
The Defendant: “Aquarius is in clear and flagrant violation of not only the letter but the spirit of the law, and thus I request not only a directed verdict and that Aquarius be compelled to comply immediately!”
The Ruling: “Aquarius, you know the rules. You go for your nap after lunch, even when it’s Daddy putting you to bed and not me. You can’t sue us over that. And stop calling me ‘Your Honor’ — it’s ‘Mommy.'”

PISCES: Parking Ticket
Pisces: “It was just — I was so overwhelmed by the needless suffering of — of all living souls. I… I just couldn’t… I just couldn’t go on!” (collapses into a sobbing ball on the courtroom floor) “And then this big meanie did something that hurt my feelings even worse!”
The Defendant: “Your Honor, I don’t care how damned empathetic Pisces is to the suffering of others, that doesn’t mean she can park in the handicapped spot, even if it IS in front of the animal shelter. So I wrote her a ticket.”
The Ruling: “You were technically correct to issue the ticket, Officer Wilson. However, in light of Pisces’ current condition, I am waiving the ticket and issuing her a handicapped parking pass.”

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