God's Comic

God's Comic

No cell “signal”.

posted by Brad Stine

I have complained about the lack of turn signals being used in America in one of my DVD’s awhile back. (Which one I’m unsure of as believe it or not I forget half the stuff I do on an old album cause I’m always working on a new one.)

I was really flabbergasted though as people even began stopping in the middle of the road to go left or right w/o a signal. (Probably to make it more difficult to know which direction to point your head in order to yell at them in time?) But the other day I figured out what started the lack of signals phenomenon. Do YOU know? Take a sec to guess before I tell you….ready?………………………..cell phones!

People began holding the phone to their ear and were unable, in mid conversation, to get to the signal. So…since their conversation was more critical than common courtesy, safety, and obeying the law, a new narcissistic pattern was inserted into society.

Phones used to come on cords which accomplished two important things 1) kept you in the designated “phone area” so I or anyone else in the restaurant / waiting area / checkout line, weren’t subjected to your one-way conversation reminiscent of a drunk or recently released schizophrenic. Cords were reminiscent of a leash to keep you from wandering all over the neighborhood, but instead, to stay in your own area where others can avoid your barking or having you urinate on their lawn.

The other plus to the cord was it kept you from carrying on a phone conversation while driving. I know it seems nit-picky but I would just assume you focus on driving instead of your conversation telling your friend what time you think you’ll arrive since YOU’RE GOING TO BE THERE IN A FEW MINUTES ANYWAY!

I find it telling that technology constantly seems to provide for the individual while isolating and dismissing the community. Making life easier and more convenient for me means how it affects you becomes irrelevant. I promise you will never see me driving my car while holding a phone to my ear; I have a hands free device! At least I always signal.

The 4th of July is pure GUY!!

posted by Brad Stine

Americans love to celebrate stuff. Heck that’s why we have holidays every month of the year; we need an excuse to celebrate. The celebration is the experience by the way, rarely are we actually celebrating what the holiday is for. You don’t believe me?

We have a holiday called Arbor Day that apparently is a celebration of trees. I don’t know what trees have to do with arbor especially since I don’t know what an arbor is? They have cards for Arbor day which is funny to me since they have to kill a tree in order to get the word out that we need to save trees! Nothing funnier than irony huh?

Then again I suppose if someone proposed a holiday called “Tree Day” everyone would have laughed and then you’d be promptly tarred and feathered.

Nevertheless Arbor Day is a holiday but do you know anyone personally who celebrates trees? Sure maybe some hippie throwback as well as some fringe eco-freaks that believe creation is equal in value to humans but I’m not talking about them, I’m talking about real people.

My point is that somewhere in time some American was itching to have a celebration and asked for ”any celebration ideas”, and some cider impaired fellow American without enough government sanctioned free time paused a moment and then blurted out “ what about trees? They grow AND have leaves!”…Perfect, light up the bar-b-cue”!

Most holidays are designed to celebrate together as family, which is a nice sentiment but in reality some holidays do seem to be more designed for specific genders.

Which brings us to the 4th of July. Of all the holidays during the year, none are more male than the 4th.

It started out celebrating the signing of the Declaration of Independence, which meant a bunch of guys were about to get into a big old fight and we dare you to stop us.

Only men signed the declaration because 1) we wanted to protect our women and children and 2) guys like guns and fights.

Over time the significance of that “historic document signing” celebration took a back seat to a different celebration that comes from the biological fact that in the very DNA composition of the male, lodged deeply in the very core of everything that makes men, well, men is the incontrovertible truth that if you really want men to celebrate something….make sure it comes with explosives.

The 4th of July is the day that even the police turn their heads as men on every block of the nation get to blow things up! Living in Tennessee that means mortars exploding 500 feet in the air, roman candles shooting fireballs at each other and every possible form of firecracker.

I feel sorry for men in states that are too wussie to allow fireworks. California for example where I moved from have “fireworks” but they amount to “snakes” which “thrill you” with the excitement of ashes, and sparklers which are great for kids………..which is my point. The 4th was supposed to represent a courageous but dangerous time in America.

Let me make this perfectly clear, if you have a device that needs to be lit and yet doesn’t have the potential to blow your hand clean off at the wrist…IT’S NOT A FIREWORK!! It’s a glorified match!!

Guys know this intuitively which is why when boys get sparklers to play with it takes less than 2 minutes before they are tossing them towards the yard trying to make them stick in the ground while dad fetches the hose for the inevitable sparkler on the neighbors roof scenario that keeps the 4th festive.

I am proud of my nation and the men and women who built it and I wish all of you a great 4th of July. Hope to see you in the emergency room!

Die in your sleep

posted by Brad Stine

Where did we ever come up with the romantic notion that the best way to die is in our sleep? First things first, when it comes to dying, there really isn’t a “good” way to go. Why? Because you’re dead! Dying in your sleep I believe comes with a lot of potential pitfalls.

The first being if you die in your sleep, when do you first realize your dead? At least in a car accident you can see it coming! You scream throw up your hands, have your life pass before your eyes, and enter into the death place knowing how you got there. Dying in your sleep your never sure if you died and are in heaven OR you are dreaming and just when your excited about the prospect of seeing God, surprise. It was all a dream.

The other problem with dying in your sleep is the inconvenience it puts on everyone else, especially if that “everyone else” was sleeping next to you. Nothing starts the day off on the wrong foot like waking next to someone who is dead. Dead people are a pain in the butt. They expect you to do everything for them. They assume you are going to treat them tenderly and dignified yet they do nothing to assist us. When you’re dead someone else has to dress you, which is really a challenge because they can’t help push their arm through the jacket.

We dress dead people in clothes so perhaps we should wear clothes to bed and then at least when you croak your ready to roll. Not to mention I find it difficult deciding which tie matches the suit we are going to bury you in. We dress people up to throw them in a hole and toss dirt on top! Why? Why aren’t we buried in the same outfit we came in on? Talk about a waste of perfectly good suit or dress. I say we are buried “au natural”.

Some people leave gifts and memorials at the gravesite of a dearly departed. Maybe a teddy bear or a bottle of Jack Daniels depending on the type of person they were in life. These gestures by the way are touching only to those of us that can appreciate them, in other words the “still here” folks.

Notice too that these bottles and necklaces and teddy bears and handkerchiefs and what not always mysteriously vanish from the gravesite. In other words someone is leaving this tribute of love and someone else is stealing it and using it on theirs. Uh,  eewww! Yeah, creepy just called, and even he’s uncomfortable.

Again the ultimate truth is that all the pomp and circumstances we go through for the dead is actually for the living. The dead person is long gone and aware only of where their eternal destiny is established. If they died in sins their arrival is bleak to say the least. If they committed their soul to Christ then they actually get to meet him and enter into eternal rest. That’s why if they got there by falling off a cliff, it’s actually comforting. They are sure they aren’t dreaming and realize they are more awake now then they have ever experienced before. You on the other hand can keep your teddy bear.

Shut that baby up!

posted by Brad Stine

Traveling today on an airplane next to the infamous crying. Screaming fidgety babies, while annoying, don’t bother me that much. Granted it’s unpleasant, but having had 2 kids myself I have the expertise to educate the baby-less in this little known fact.

Believe it or not, one cannot reason with an infant. This always makes me consider why people are so intolerant of the mini human. It is selfishness and hypocrisy to the nth degree. Why? First off, we’ve all been the crying baby at least once in their life. Somewhere somebody’s memory of traveling was the horrific non-stop screaming of a baby, and that baby was you!

We don’t remember being the out of control infant because we were too young and self absorbed to recall or frankly to care, kind of a metaphor for our adult life and how God puts up with us huh? The crying baby really only understands one thing at this stage in their life, whatever they want they want now!

Being as they are unable to articulate their need, from hunger, to can you remove this foreign substance from my pants; they do all they know how to do…scream.

Is it selfish, of course? Because frankly they aren’t aware there are others in the universe yet. What they have learned quickly is if you feel hungry and scream, suddenly your needs are met and the hunger goes away. As we mature some of us are taught that what we desire doesn’t suddenly become out “right”.

The Christian concept of putting others needs ahead of yourself is what sets us apart from our nature. We discipline ourselves to become servants to all in order to demonstrate what Christ did for humanity. It’s a lot of responsibility to be “like Christ” Especially because if we are late and something bad happens, we get fired, or get a ticket, or miss the game, which is why God invented cable TV.

When Jesus was late and somebody DIED, He had the option to revive them. Showing off? Sure. But if I was the Son of God stuck amongst a bunch of knuckleheads, I suppose a few miracles would help pass the time as well as set up some interesting dinner conversation. “Peter what did you do today? Oh I fished on the sea, and you Lord? Oh ..I walked across it.

So in the future when you come across the crying baby, perhaps the Christian thing to do would be to see if you could help the poor mother or frustrated dad. The least we can do is be compassionate, understanding and a little less self-absorbed.

The irony is these “adults” that sigh in disgust, keep looking back in anger and loathing are actually acting more like babies than the crying one. You see the crying baby doesn’t have a choice, we do.

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