Doing Life Together

Doing Life Together

Should You Try Again After an Affair?

posted by Linda Mintle

affairWe all know how devastating an affair can be to a marriage. The question often asked is, “Should I try to work through the betrayal and give the person another chance?”

It’s a question most of us hope we never have to answer.

If you are faced with this question, slow down and consider what is at stake and what is behind the cheating. I know, you may not care because the breach is so painful, but most cheating comes out of relationship problems that need some attention. Clearly, cheating is a choice made by one person, but it is often driven by issues in the relationship than need to be addressed.

If both partners are willing to work on the relationship by acknowledging their shortcomings, there is the possibility of rebuilding trust and growing in intimacy.

But before willingness can be assessed, the most important factor is the repentance of the person who had the affair.

Is the person truly sorry, repentant and willing to do what is necessary to try again? This requires complete cut off of the extramarital relationship, a commitment to honesty, a sincere apology and request for forgiveness. Then the person must be ready to answer questions.

Forgiving the person who cheated may take time. If you can’t forgive eventually, you won’t move forward –alone or in the relationship. Forgiving someone doesn’t necessarily mean you will reconcile, but it is the first step if you choose to stay in the relationship.

 

5 Safeguards to Prevent Cheating On-line

posted by Linda Mintle

ID-10064537It’s easy to do. You are bored, mad at your partner and notice a Facebook Message from an old flame. Your curiosity is peaked. What harm could it do to answer and catch up?

Next thing you know, you are sharing the details of your life, only you aren’t talking about your marriage.

The messages get longer and more detailed. Now, you are flirting. Then one day, you find out that he will be in your town on business and would like to meet over dinner. You don’t tell your husband. After all, this is only an old flame from high school.

At dinner, the spark ignites. Those cyber chats have brought you close together. And this is a man interested in you and listening to your life and dreams. You are in trouble!

Catalogs.com’s information library reports: [i]

•       57 percent of people use the Internet to cheat

•       38 percent of people have engaged in explicit online sexual conversations

•       50 percent of people have talked on the phone with someone they first chatted with online

•       31 percent of people have had an online conversation that has led to in-person sex.

 Infidelity is often opportunity-driven. Social media provide many opportunities!

Posts that become too intimate or tantalizing can quickly transform a trusted partner to a tempted one. Fast and easy emotional availability and regular communication with former friends and lovers can lead to affairs, both emotional and physical.

Safeguards are needed. Here are 5 to help:

1) Don’t friend a former flame or ex. Resist the temptation and flee!

2) Don’t hide that you are married. This is the beginning of secrets and deception.

3)  Think of every line you write as a face-to-face conversation. Would you say those things if your partner could hear them? If not, don’t say it.

4) Check the frequency of your communication. Frequency can build intimacy.

5) Stop flirting and hit De-friend. If you’ve crossed the line, end it now!

 

 

Source;  Lindsay Shugeman, “Percentage of Married Couples Who Cheat,” Catalogs.com, http://www.catalogs.com/info/relationships/percentage-of-married-couples-who-cheat-on-each-ot.html.

Do Genetics or Lifestyle Determine Our Diseases?

posted by Linda Mintle

ID-100237853My father has type 2 diabetes. His mother had it as well. Does this mean I will get it too?

Most of us look at our family history of disease and wonder if we inherited our parents’ illnesses. We worry that because our parents had cancer, diabetes or some other type of illness, that we will get it too. Well, the good news is that you may or may not!

And there may be something you can do to lower the risk of that problematic genetic information.

For some diseases, inherited genes up your risk of getting the disease, e.g., Huntington’s, ALS, etc. But for others, like type 2 diabetes, lifestyle can activate or inactivate those genes. In other words, our behavioral choices matter.

What are those lifestyle behaviors? The usual suspects:

1) Healthy diet

2) Exercise

3) No smoking

4) Weight control

5) Stress reduction

So while we can’t control our inherited genes (you get what you get), we can control our behavior, which can reduce our risk of getting certain diseases. The genes do not change, but our behavior changes the way the genetic information is used.

So stop worrying! That creates# 5 on the list! Instead, take action and do what you can to lower your risk!

Brangelina Married, But Why?

posted by Linda Mintle

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie finally tied the knot. After nine years and six children, something prompted them to become a legitimately married couple. Only they know the real reason they waited so long. Perezhilton.com reported the marriage was to honor a promise Angelina made to her mom. Or was it the kids, the surgeries, the failed prior marriages, etc.?

Like I said, we don’t really know the reason for this nine-year delay, but this couple does represent the new normal for raising children in America.

More Americans feel like marriage isn’t a necessity to raise kids. Cohabiting with children is more popular than ever. Interestingly, though, we still frown on single parenting.

According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the percentage of cohabiting couples raising children has risen significantly. From 2006 – to 2010, 58% of births were to unmarried couples living together.

Child Trend senior research scientist, Elizabeth Wildsmith, thinks the reason is that couples may delay marriage in order to be more economically secure. That one certainly doesn’t apply to Brangelina.

Part of this change is related to new cultural ideas about what constitutes a family. Pew Research surveys confirm that marriage is no longer seen as the only way to create a family. When they asked adults about marriage becoming obsolete, 4 in 10 said, YES, marriage isn’t necessary to raise a family.

Data confirm that marriage has declined and new forms of making a family have emerged. However, those with a college education and a good income still prefer marriage over living together. And we certainly know that married couples are healthier, have better sex, and are better off economically than those who cohabitate (National Marriage Project).

Married adults say lifelong commitment, love and and companionship are reasons to marry. Unmarried couples agree, but don’t feel there is only one true love for every person.

And couples who “slide” vs. “decide” to marry after co-habiting don’t do as well in the long run (National Marriage Project). So perhaps, the fact that Brad and Angelina DECIDED to get married after all these years will increase their chances of success. We can only hope that this is so! For the rest of us, the culture may continue to define the new normal, but marriage is still God’s way to benefit both adults and children.

 

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