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Doing Life Together

Doing Life Together

What To Do When Anger is Triggered

posted by Linda Mintle

angry1Anger is triggered by expectations, perceptions, and things people say and do. These hot buttons are triggers that cause the feeling to rise.

Knowing your hot buttons can prepare you for future conflicts. To deal with hot buttons, think about how you respond.

Is your response effective in keeping you calm and dealing with the problem? If not, you may have to change your reaction.

To do this, focus on what you do or say that might keep the anger going or calm it down. Notice what the other person is doing so you can identify what sets you off. Then, think about what you want to accomplish for the moment. For example, do you want to be less angry, calmer, or more able to respond to negativity without blowing up?

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Sometimes you can avoid anger hot buttons completely. If certain situations or people cue anger, and those people are not important in your life, you can avoid them or the situation. For example, you can avoid drinking if that arouses anger. You can avoid playing in a basketball league if losing sets you off. You can avoid a neighbor who insults you. You can avoid that obnoxious co-worker.

In these cases, avoidance is like avoiding temptation—don’t put yourself with people or situations that will trigger your anger if it isn’t necessary. This strategy doesn’t get at the root of the anger problem, but it will help you maintain your cool.

 

 

 

 

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Why You Shouldn’t Withhold Sex in a Marriage

posted by Linda Mintle

bedAaron and Jill feels distant in their relationship. Because of the lack of closeness, their sex life has suffered. Aaron came to therapy wondering how to change this dynamic in their relationship.

Sex is so important to a man’s emotional well-being that when it is withheld in a marital relationship because of problems, he can become withdrawn and depressed. His sense of feeling loved is at stake because his way of communicating with his wife is blocked. This can result in feeling lonely and inadequate.

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Researcher Helen Fisher tells us that when sex is withheld, men do not have the chemical stimulants to give them that sense of well-being. Having sex and regular orgasms make them feel better due to the testosterone boost. Basically, sex assures a man that he is loved.[i]

In terms of desire, men want to feel desired by their wives. Initiating sex is one way a wife can say she desires her man. And when a man feels desired, his confidence grows along with a sense of well-being in other areas of his life. Sexual rejection or lack of response to a sexual move is often interpreted as rejection of him as a person.

According to For Men Only, women lead with their feelings, not their anatomy. A woman needs to feel attractive and desirable. Desirability is greatly helped by men expressing heartfelt compliments. Compliments and understanding a woman’s inner life, her wishes, desires, intentions, etc., bring intimacy.

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Men and women must realize that their sexual wiring is different. Because women have much less testosterone than men, they are not turned on simply by looking at a man, even when he is attractive. But just because women have lower sexual desire due to less testosterone doesn’t mean they aren’t attracted to their husbands. Wives are usually receptive to having sex under the right conditions, but may not initiate. Remember, she isn’t thinking, Let’s have sex to reestablish our closeness.

So in terms of sex and affection, differences do abound and can lead to conflict if not understood or addressed directly. The bottom line: Don’t give up on your sex life. Make it a priority. Get rid of distractions and make time to focus on each other. Both men and women need to feel validated and loved. They just go about getting their needs met differently.

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Adapted and except from We Need to Talk by Dr. Linda Mintle (Baker Books, 2015)

[i] Helen Fisher, “The Realities of Love at First Sight,” O, The Oprah Magazine, November 2009, http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Love-at-First-Sight-Helen-Fisher-Love-Column#ixzz2g65Uzvs9.

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Parenting: The Cost of Too High Expectations

posted by Linda Mintle

2 teensRita, like so many daughters, came to therapy because of a tense relationship with her parents. Rita feels her parents’ expectations are too high and she can never measure up.

Expectations, when too high or out of line with a child’s true desires and goals, can cause anxiety and unnecessary pressure. I often see this in daughters who have eating disorders. Either they believe they must be perfect in all they do or they have received that message from their families. These girls are highly anxious, constantly worried that they may fail and never measure up to the self-imposed or family imposed standards of perfection. Expectations are unrealistic.

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As children become more independent and autonomous with their parents, some discover that the push for autonomy is not always welcomed. Their desires may be met with resistance. In fact, children may act out or become disobedience in order to test their emerging confidence and autonomy.

As children look to parents to confirm their sense of self and growing independence, they expect to be reinforced in their efforts. When moms and dads don’t do this, children may try to please their parents by living out their dreams in order to receive approval. In the long run, this creates resentment and restlessness.

Parents have to be so careful not to force their dreams on their children in small, subtle ways. There is such a fine line between motivating a child to new things and pushing the parents’ expectations.

So parents, reassess your expectations. Are you asking your children to live up to your dreams and ideals? Or are you helping them sort out their own desire’s and fulfill their dreams?

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Turning A Child Against a Parent

posted by Linda Mintle

upset girlJerry has no relationship with his children now that he and his wife are divorced. Prior to the divorce, Jerry was very involved in their lives. But the relationships took dramatic turns due to something called Parent Alienation Syndrome (PAS).

In the 1980s, a forensic psychiatrist coined the term parental alienation syndrome (PAS) to describe the efforts of one parent to turn their children against the other parent. The syndrome involves deliberate mental and emotional abuse that can occur among highly conflicted couples who fight over custody. The result is a child who harbors tremendous negativity toward a parent that is not based on actual experience with that parent. PAS destroys family bonds that once existed between children and a parent and is based on lies. There are no legitimate reasons why children are taught to harbor animosity toward the targeted parent.

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It usually takes the form of one parent blocking another from seeing the children due to a belief that children will be harmed by visitations. False allegations of child abuse and sexual abuse often are in play.

A less severe form of this is when a parent blocks a child from visitation due to the inconvenience of visits. Visitations are seen as a chore or an errand, not a means of promoting the parent-child bond. Over time, one parent is seen as superior over the other.

The motivation behind PAS is usually rooted in poor coping from the failed marriage. Instead of a spouse engaging in healthy grieving for the loss of the marriage, they engage the children in the ongoing battle. They feel so damaged from the breakup that enlisting the children in the anger and blame serves as a way to further the blame. Sometimes the spouse who vilifies feels so rejected and alone that they turn to the children for nurturing and support, even companionship. What emerges is a “we against the world” position.

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If you see signs of alienation, continue to reach out to the children involved and don’t give up on the fight. Your children are too important.

Except and adapted by We Need to Talk by Dr. Linda Mintle (Baker Books, 2015)

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