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Doing Life Together

Doing Life Together

When Healing Doesn’t Seem to Come

posted by Linda Mintle

ID-10021187I’m often asked on the radio if I believe that God heals. Yes, I do. I’ve seen God heal in my own life and the lives of my clients. Let’s keep in mind that God heals in many ways. Sometimes it is a supernatural touch, other times he uses doctors and therapists to facilitate healing in someone’s life. Sometimes, healing doesn’t appear to be happening at all despite our prayers. The danger is putting God in a box and insisting He only heals one way.

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God can heal and transform in ways unknown to our limited understanding. While we use all the training and knowledge extracted from research and clinical practice, we recognize the supernatural realm as greater than our comprehension. We don’t always know what God is up to and whose life is being impacted.

There is hope for even the most desperate case because of Christ. Because of the abiding presence of God, the hope and future promised in Him, promised freedom from bondage and enslavement, and the radical message that, in Christ, past is not prologue to future, we can be transformed and set free.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have past away; behold all things have become new.” 2 Cor. 5:17. 21 is a powerful verse about how Christ changes us when we become one of His.

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His transforming power lives in us and works on our behalf. The problem is, as Job discovered, we don’t always have the big picture and understand God’s ways. Scripture tells us His ways are higher than ours. So trust, then, becomes the issues.

When healing doesn’t look the way we think it should, we need to trust. Trust that God has not forgotten us, that His plan for us is good, and that He has us in the palm of His hand and sees the bigger picture. Trust that He is working in the situation in ways we might not see and never understand. Our part is to stay faithful through it all and allow God to do what only He can do.

 

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5 Important Points When Dealing With a High Conflict Person

posted by Linda Mintle

couple conflictWe all have that person in our lives that drives us crazy and personalizes conflict, making it difficult to handle.

Here are five points to keep in mind when dealing with a high conflict person.

  • Choose your battles. Since most high-conflict people love the battle, minimize your contact with that person when you can. When you do engage, resist the urge to defend yourself, which only ends in more conflict.
  • Set a structure for conflict discussion and talk about expectations. Establish rules for fair fighting, such as no yelling, name-calling, interrupting, etc. It may help to meet in a public place to keep emotions in check.
  • Try to stay calm. When the emotion intensifies, say something like, “We can revisit this when we are both calmer.” The person in the conflict can own part of the problem, rather than singling out the high-conflict person for being so unreasonable. Remember that if the mood is intensifying, you want to calm down the situation. Don’t match the intensity or it will become a contest.
  • Relate to the person around tasks that need to be done or possible solutions rather than reacting to their emotions. Emotions distract from the issue at hand, so keep the issue front and center. Focus only on behavior. Think like a detective: “Just the facts.” Trying to work through emotions usually leads to more blame.
  • Assess your safety. If there are dangerous behaviors like domestic violence or behaviors that could be fatal to the relationship, for example, serial infidelity or out-of-control spending, then you need to make sure you are safe and controls are in place. Other than that, the goal with high-conflict people is to reduce conflict.

Patience is needed with high conflict people. Change is often slow but can happen with commitment to the process and desire to work on the relationship. The person has to experience calmer approaches and see that working through issues can be done and accomplishes more than acting in extreme ways.

 

Adapted from We Need to Talk by Linda Mintle, Ph.D. (Baker Books, 2015).

 

 

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The Consequences of Holding a Grudge

posted by Linda Mintle

BFS_Anger_LGA grudge involves holding resentment because of some real or imagined wrong. A grudge develops when you don’t like the way a conflict ended. Nursing a grudge can lead to revenge. Consider the story of John the Baptist in Mark 6 of the Bible.

Herod was a tetrarch under the Roman Empire. He fell in love with his brother’s wife, Heriodias, who was also his niece. Herodias agreed to marry Herod if he would divorce his first wife. Talk about family conflict!

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John the Baptist was a rather outspoken prophet who criticized Herod for this marriage. Herod wasn’t happy about the judgment and imprisoned John. He would have killed John but was afraid of how the people would respond to the killing of one of their prophets. Herod wanted to avoid an uprising.

Herodias was angry that John called her marriage unlawful. She held this against John and nursed the grudge. She was so angry that she looked for an opportunity to have John killed.

In the story, Herod has a birthday party. Herodias’s daughter dances and pleases the tetrarch. Because Herod was so pleased, he tells the daughter to ask anything she likes and he will give it to her. Having been coached by her mother, the daughter asks for the head of John the Baptist, thus securing her mother’s revenge. This biblical story would have ended differently had Herod listened to the truth, accepted responsibility, and repented. Instead, a grudge was nursed and revenge was sought.

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The take away: Let go of the offense and don’t hold a grudge. The cost to you isn’t worth it.

 

Excerpted and adapted from We Need To Talk by Linda Mintle, Ph.D. (Baker Books, 2015).

 

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Angry: 7 Steps to Regain Control

posted by Linda Mintle

BFS_Anger_LGAnger is a powerful emotion that needs to be controlled. If you struggle with anger, consider these steps to regain control.

  1. Admit that you are out of control. While anger is a normal emotion and not a sin, anger expression can be sinful. If you curse, yell, scream at, and disrespect others, this is a problem. You are out of control and must admit this for it to change.
  1. Realize that venting anger won’t make you feel better. We know from research that venting anger leads to more aggression. Revisit this idea that venting releases tension and accept that there is no evidence to support this strategy.
  1. Get at the root of your anger. Anger is often triggered by issues from the past. Keep an anger log to see what triggers your explosions. Below the surface, you may feel hurt and vulnerable, a position that makes you uncomfortable. Anger makes you feel powerful, especially if you didn’t feel powerful as a child. But you are an adult and not a victim of your past. You can react differently. Target your hot buttons so you can prepare a different response.
  1. Practice ways to calm down and commit to using them. Rehearse several strategies—deep breathing, time-out, counting to ten, distraction, etc. Practice deep muscle relaxation at night as a way to calm down your body. Then continue to practice until you can cue yourself to relax.
  1. Study the biblical passages on anger—be slow to vent, deal with anger when it comes up, no name-calling, get to the source, etc. Pray and stay close to God, knowing that a fruit of the Spirit is self-control.
  1. Stay calm during the next argument, since you have identified your triggers and are working through issues from your past, use those new ways to calm down.
  1. Discuss what went right. Review your behavior—did you stay calm, stick to fighting guidelines, wait to talk until you were calm, etc. Pat yourself on the back for any change you made for the positive. The more you have small successes, the better you will become at managing anger.

For more, Breaking Free from Anger and Unforgiveness by Dr. Linda Mintle

Previous Posts

When Healing Doesn't Seem to Come
I'm often asked on the radio if I believe that God heals. Yes, I do. I've seen God heal in my own life and the lives of my clients. Let's keep in mind that God heals in many ways. Sometimes it is a supernatural touch, other times he uses doctors ...

posted 6:00:59am Apr. 24, 2015 | read full post »

5 Important Points When Dealing With a High Conflict Person
We all have that person in our lives that drives us crazy and personalizes conflict, making it difficult to handle. Here are five points to keep in mind when dealing with a high conflict person. Choose your battles. Since most ...

posted 6:00:25am Apr. 22, 2015 | read full post »

The Consequences of Holding a Grudge
A grudge involves holding resentment because of some real or imagined wrong. A grudge develops when you don’t like the way a conflict ended. Nursing a grudge can lead to revenge. Consider the story of John the Baptist in Mark 6 of the ...

posted 6:00:42am Apr. 20, 2015 | read full post »

Angry: 7 Steps to Regain Control
Anger is a powerful emotion that needs to be controlled. If you struggle with anger, consider these steps to regain control. Admit that you are out of control. While anger is a normal emotion and not a sin, anger expression can be sinful. If ...

posted 6:00:25am Apr. 17, 2015 | read full post »

The Secret To Building Persistence in Your Child
Persistence is a trait that most parents want to see developed in their children. We know from research that persistent children are less likely to be delinquent and more likely to be engaged in school. What parent wouldn’t want to build this ...

posted 6:00:44am Apr. 14, 2015 | read full post »

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