John and Mary had a fight. It was intense and neither is speaking to each other. Their relationship is suffering. Can they fix this? Both said some awful things and now feelings are hurt. They aren’t talking.
But, they can fix this if they practice a skill that healthy couples use–relationship repair. Relationship repair is important because it says, this relationship is more important than winning an argument. Relationship repair means you are willing to do something to make things better. A repair is a fix!
A repair begins by acknowledging your part of the problem. You take ownership of your emotions, thoughts and actions. This is the part you control. For example, did you bring the issue up in a respectful manner–not blaming or name calling? Did you stay calm and try to listen? In John’s case, he was accusing and blaming his wife for something he thought she did. This accusation shut her down and she stopped listening.
John wanted to fix their fight so he took the lead. When a fight or argument happens, don’t wait to see who goes first. You go first and make the repair.
When you contribute to a fight with unhealthy responses like John did (blame, criticism, defensiveness, silent treatment, etc.), apologize and ask for forgiveness. This is a step of repair. Acknowledging that you were wrong to talk or behave a certain way, begins the healing. Hopefully, the other person will accept your apology. There are times when people do not. Then, there is little you can do. Most times, however, an apology and plea for forgiveness opens the door to talk. Once John apologized, so did Mary. They were ready to re-engage.
After the apology,pray together. This usually calms the atmosphere. It distracts from the emotional upset and focuses your attention on God’s help in order to engage differently. It’s hard to stay mad at each other when you pray together!
Then try to revisit the issue with the knowledge of correcting what caused the fight (tone, anger, disrespect, etc.). Work on solutions, compromises or different ways to think about the problem. Use the word “we” rather than “I.” This communicates that you are in this together and want to have a solution.
You may not solve the issue, but you will repair the relationship. And that is the point. Couples don’t always agree and solve problems, but the way they treat each other in the process matters. And relationship repairs send the message that you are more important than me being right!
Controlling? No. He is jealous and loves me.
Yes, he wants to know where I go all the time but it’s just because he cares.
She doesn’t want me spending time with my friends but it’s because she wants to be with me.
Do any of these comments raise a red flag? They should! These are the actions of a controlling person. And your tendency might be to justify controlling actions rather than see them as a relationship problem.
A sign of over control is someone who is constantly jealous of your other relationships. The person tries to control who you see, how often you see them and then tries to guilt you into spending time with him or her rather than others. And to top it off, the reason given is because they care and want you all to themselves. This is not healthy.
Run from this type of relationship if you can. Controlling people don’t become less controlling when they become more intimate in their relationships. They usually escalate to more control. Control builds over time if you don’t address it when it begins.
If you confront a controlling person and he or she refuses to acknowledge what you see and feel, this is a bad sign. If, on the other hand, there is some awareness about the behavior, suggest getting help. A person can work on this, especially if they understand what is driving the behavior. Change takes time, but if the person is willing to improve the relationship, there is hope.
When bringing up an issue, stay calm and don’t accuse. Be specific as to what the behavior was and how it made you feel. Then ask what motivated this behavior. Is there a way to reassure or get a need met that doesn’t require this type of control? Try to stay confident that you want to work this out, but won’t allow this type of treatment. Sometimes it helps to reverse the situation and ask how that person would feel.
Avoid being manipulated with well intended behavior. You need to see change in the action. Controlling behavior may not be intentional and born out of deep insecurity. When that is the case, the person needs help feeling more secure or coping in a better way.
Always assess your safety when dealing with a controlling person. Most often, counseling is needed to work through the underlying issues and make change.
You don’t consider yourself too strict. You simply expect a lot from your children. In fact, some people call you a perfectionist. Yes, you are demanding. At times, you do push because you want things to be right.
But is there a dark side to high pressure, high performing pushes? Does perfectionism cause relationship problems?
A study in the Journal of Personality provides insight into parents who drive their kids to perfection. In the study, researchers followed 263 seven-year-old grade school children for 5 years. They wanted to assess the impact of a perfectionistic parenting style on their children.
They found that those children whose parents were rated as intrusive (perfectionistic) by the researchers had children who were were overly critical of themselves. When parents corrected, took over and did for their kids, these behaviors undermined their children’ feelings of being good enough. And those negative feelings of not measuring up translated to depression and anxiety later.
Perfectionism may produce high functioning people in terms of their skills or talent, but it can also create people who are afraid of making mistakes and then engage in self-blame. Researchers call this “maladaptive perfectionism.” The concern is that this type of perfectionism may result in a person’s negative well-being, with self-criticism, symptoms of depression, anxiety and even possible suicide.
The bottom line then is to encourage children, not pressure them to the point of creating insecurities. So if you tend towards perfectionism, pay attention to how you translate this tendency to others. Are you pushing too much, overcorrecting, not allowing others to learn from their mistakes? Are you contributing to negative well-being by wanting things done right and your way?
Take a step back. Recalibrate and allow grace. You don’t want to push to the extent that your children or others resent you, even if they become good at what they do.
Newsweek online recently posted an article entitled, Age 5 is too late: Public schools must focus on early learning. The author pleaded for education reform. She said a “coordinated curriculum between both the early childhood education program and the elementary school program is crucial; thus, creating a public school system beginning at the age of 2, or at the latest, age 3.” She then defended her position with brain research, informing us that the optimal window of learning is ages 0-5 for a child. The quality of care during that time sets the stage for later learning. I would agree that the brain is forming new connections and learning daily.
I disagree, however, in terms of where that learning should take place. The author wants kids in public education during those early years. Send them to a preschool where their minds can be stimulated. But what about early childhood education in the home?
A two-year-old does not need to go to a public school to bridge the learning gap. Three-year-olds don’t need to start reading or writing their name. Children can learn at home with parent interaction, while developing a strong attachment to their parents. A secure attachment also sets the stage for learning. When the home is a safe place with a caring parent who loves on their child, learning takes place.
I was my children’s early childhood teacher. I rearranged my career to do this, sacrificed income and did what I needed to do to be there during this critical developmental time. I’m not a saint, nor an elite. I did have a working husband, so yes, I could stay home and change shifts with him for a few hours of night work. For income, I worked when my kids napped or went to bed. It wasn’t ideal for my career, but their needs during this critical period of development were more important.
My classroom was parks, playgrounds, field trips and nature walks. We would swing, run, look at exotic bugs and plants. I was teaching, creating curiosity, and providing active learning by doing. There was no classroom structure–just the exploration of new things and new experiences. And during that process, I was imparting my values.
I am perfectly aware that some parents have to work to survive, but maybe this is where we should rethink how to support families -find ways to keep parents and children together during this critical development period. It would strengthen attachment. I don’t believe sending a two-year-old to a public school can do that.
To learn, a child needs a sense of security and a home base that provides safety. This is where we need to put our efforts in early childhood development. What can we do to support parents who need to work, who are stressed, whose family problems are causing instability and chaos in the home? How can we strengthen the parent-child attachment in order to prevent future problems?
Rather than send a two-year-old off to a public school, I would rather find ways to keep that child in the home of a nurturing parent who can teach through relationship. That would be a program to get behind.