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personal boundaries | Terezia Farkas | Beliefnet | depression help

Personal boundaries are there for a reason. Sometimes being a caring person backfires because the personal boundary is broken. Some people don’t want your help. Others don’t need it. Some people may misconstrue your help as you being nosey, poking around in affairs that are none of your concern.

I’m a person who has a big heart. I care about family members who are having a bad day, or going through a rough patch. Even with my estranged father I’ve tried to make peace. It’s not the type of peace where we have Sunday dinners every weekend, or go out for father and daughter outings. It’s the type of peace where inner me gets to say, “I’m done with your drama and all the pain you’ve caused. I see you as the human being you are – flaws and all. And I see myself as the human being I am – strengths and all.”

Healing happens with boundaries.

What happened between my father and me was about healing. I needed closure on several issues. I had to express my repressed anger and frustration. When that is done in a constructive manner, it is healing for all parties. My father and I talk nowadays. Nothing confidential or something that could cause pain. We know our limits and boundaries. We respect them.

But sometimes when you’re a caring person you cross boundaries that you might not be aware exist. Your sister might not really want to discuss with you her problems with her husband. Sibling rivalry doesn’t always end when we grow up. Crossing that boundary, or pushing for more information, may seem like a personal attack. It might bring back old memories of some bad event similar to what she’s experiencing now. Or, her boundary might be her discomfort sharing intimate problems.

Know the boundary.

Know the boundary of the person you want to help. Engage with that person in a loving, kind way. Don’t be judgemental! If you’re really there to help the other person, the last thing either party wants is finger pointing.

A boundary is where your responsibility ends and another person’s begins. It stops you from doing things for that person that the person should be able to do. Personal boundaries also help a person grow spiritually and emotionally.

If you cross the personal boundary, back up right away. Don’t start preaching about why that boundary shouldn’t exist. It does. For a reason that’s very real for that person. Remember the boundary so that next time you can avoid a pitfall. Boundaries are fluid, ever changing. Next time your sister might have her boundary pushed back, and be more than willing to share her problems about her husband. The key is patience.

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most important relationship | Terezia Farkas | Beliefnet | depression help

The most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one you have with yourself. If you have a relentlessly inner critic who finds fault, shame, and stigma, you need to learn to silence or let go of the critic.

It’s not easy to build your self worth. It takes time and practice. Don’t give up once you start! That’s key to the whole thing.

Acknowledge your thoughts.

Thoughts influence your approach to life. Mindfulness and meditation are two great tools to help manage your thoughts. Mindfulness and meditation make you aware of thoughts that you might not really be aware of – that nagging self doubt, anxiety, and fear that stops you from moving forward in life.

Cut yourself some slack.

You are not a loser. Adopt a more accepting and encouraging approach to yourself. Yeah, it takes time and lots of inner work. If you can cut yourself some slack, you’ll find that life can be more rewarding. You’ll uncover new pathways towards a brighter future and a happier present. Stop comparing yourself to others. You will never be like anyone else. You are an unique individual, created for a certain purpose that no other human being can or will ever fill quite the way you do.

Connect with others.

You learn a lot about yourself by connecting with others. How you interact with others is a map of how you are feeling emotionally and mentally. Anxious, depressed, guilty – these feelings tend to limit social interactions. While these emotions buffer you against the outside world, they also prevent the outside world from maybe realizing you need help or support. You can easily spot where negative emotions block you from getting the full benefits of a friendship. Surround yourself with positive people. Try to create a strong network who can support and encourage you.

Take care of the basics.

Make self care a priority. This sends a subliminal message to your brain. You matter! Try keeping a healthy lifestyle. Eat well. Exercise regularly or as often as you can. Get enough sleep. Sleep is a really important part of self care. Not enough sleep makes depression and anxiety worse. And going to sleep with the inner critic awake keeps you from falling asleep. To get a better night’s rest, you might have to take naps during the daytime, change your bedroom’s arrangement, get up and do something when you are anxious instead of trying to sleep, and change your pre-bed routine.

Go out on a limb.

Taking risks fosters growth. But the risk has to be manageable. Don’t try to over stretch yourself or do things that you morally aren’t in line with. If you try a new task and fail, practice self compassion. It’s easy to listen to that inner critic. It takes practice to listen to the softer cheerleader.

Build yourself a trophy case.

Track your success. It can be as simple as writing down your achievements in a notebook, or adding them to your smartphone. Take a moment every week to review what you’ve done. Don’t be critical or negative at the size of your list. Size does not matter here! Effort and results are what count. The littlest accomplishment – like not freaking out in the grocery lineup – should be celebrated.

Find me on Twitter  @tereziafarkas

Visit my website http://www.tereziafarkas.com

 

how to connect with depressed friends | Terezia Farkas | Beliefnet | Bill Bernat

Do you want to better connect with your depressed friend? I know some of my friends wish they could better understand me, or help me cope with the darkness. I get that they want to help. But there is a gap between their world and mine. Instead of writing an article on how to connect with a depressed friend, I’m sharing a video that I love.

How to connect with Depressed Friends

How To Connect With Depressed Friends is a TEDx  presentation. Comedian and storyteller Bill Bernat has some dos and don’ts for talking to people living with depression. Some excerpts from Bill Bernat:

Pumpkin spice latte

“The World Health Organization says that depression is the leading cause of ill health and disability worldwide, affecting 350 million people. Depression is super common, yet in my experience, most folks don’t want to talk to depressed people unless we pretend to be happy. A cheerful facade is appropriate for casual interactions. A depressed person can ask for extra syrup in their pumpkin spice latte without explaining that they need it because they’re trapped in the infinite darkness of their soul and they’ve lost all hope of escape –”

Why does this chasm even exist?

“Why does this chasm even exist? On the one side, you have people living with depression who may act in off-putting or confusing ways because they’re fighting a war in their head that nobody else can see. On the other side, the vast majority of people look across the chasm and shake their heads, like, “Why you gotta be so depressed?”

 

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Find me on Twitter  @tereziafarkas

Visit my website http://www.tereziafarkas.com

 

 

dealing with a depressed person | depression help | terezia farkas | beliefnet

 

How do you deal with a depressed person? It’s easy to slip up and make mistakes. To say something that you shouldn’t have. So here’s three rules of thumb for dealing with a depressed person.

1. TALK NON JUDGMENTALLY WITHOUT LEADING THE PERSON.

Communication is very important. If you talk to someone, you probably tend to have opinions, make judgements and voice those, and even lead on a person to accept your idea by either bullying, debating, or arguing. 

Because talking is such a common, everyday experience, it often is overlooked when it comes to dealing with a person who is depressed. How you talk to someone depressed is totally, completely important!

“Do you want to talk? Do you feel like talking?” are good ways to talk to someone depressed. “How can I help you? I’m here if you want to talk. I love you. Look forward, past your pain, and see it won’t always be this way.”

Talking helps a depressed person express emotions and ideas. It’s a lifeline to the world. There’s a need in someone depressed to talk about his/her experience. The conversation might not make sense to  you. It may even alarm you.

It’s tough to keep judgements, opinions, arguments out when talking to someone depressed. But that’s exactly what you need to do. Practice it and soon you’ll discover ways to talk that don’t upset you and open up dialogue.

 

2. LISTEN COMPLETELY AND BE NON JUDGMENTAL.

Blah blah blah. It’s what Charlie Brown hears when his teacher speaks. Blah blah blah is also what a person picks out of conversations. In fact, its only very important words or details that a person actually listens to in any conversation. This might be only 10% of the hour long conversation! The rest of the words are processed and then tossed by short term memory.

So the first step in listening to someone depressed is to actually LISTEN. Yes, hear those blah blah words that you naturally tune out from. Listen to the tone of the conversation. Is it hopeful, dark, sincere, or confused? How much of what the person is saying are emotional words? Is there a lot of repetition?

Don’t judge what the person is saying. It’s easy to right away think, “That’s not right!” “Why do you feel so hopeless? You’ve got everything that’s good in the world!” While that’s what you think about the other person, its not what that person really feels or thinks about his/her self.

Accept the person’s thoughts and feelings without judging the person. Those thoughts and feelings are influenced by depression. They do not define who your loved one is! What your loved one needs most now is Compassion and Understanding. 

3.  DON’T PROMISE TO KEEP ANYTHING A SECRET.

We all like secrets. And we all like to say we can keep a secret. But when it comes to dealing with someone depressed, a secret can actually kill that person.

Depression should never be kept secret. While not everyone who is depressed will commit suicide, everyone who commits suicide is depressed. 

There are many reasons a depressed person will want you to promise to keep what is said a secret. For some it’s about societal or cultural shame. For others it’s reactions at the workplace, club or organization. There’s shame by association which can cause families to withdraw needed support. Finally, there is the person considering suicide.

Pick who you tell the secret to wisely. Don’t go telling family members if you know they will react negatively or even dangerously towards the depressed person. Find and tell a trained medical professional who can advise and assist in the matter. You can also contact the national mental health hotline or local mental health organizations. 

You aren’t betraying the person. You might feel guilty or  loose the trust or friendship of the person, but you did the right thing. 

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.  (http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org)

phonesuicideprevention

 

Find me on Twitter  @tereziafarkas

Visit my website http://www.tereziafarkas.com

Heart of Love Evolution - Surviving Depression | Terezia Farkas | depression help

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