Oh My Stars



(EDITOR’S NOTE: Matthew Currie is in the hospital recovering from the removal of several asteroids. In his absence we present answers to your questions from a guest blogger we’ve featured here before, astrologer and author of several autobiographies Ilsa Spamalot, who is really very famous and if you haven’t heard of her there is probably something terribly wrong with you.)

Dear Ill-informed Astro-Peasants:

Today I will be applying my unique insight and genius into the wonders of astrology by answering questions asked by the most noble and pure-hearted of all beings: Google Search Autocomplete. If, at any time, any part of you questions any part of my advice, please sign up today for my online course for intermediate astrology students: Astrology: You’re Doing It Wrong, Dummy.

How can I get an Aries man back?

The key to the heart of an Aries man is racing stripes. Paint them on your limbs, and accessorize with scalloped flames. Basically, turn yourself into a 1970’s muscle car. Oh, also? He probably cheated on you.

How do I make a Taurus man fall in love with me?

For this you will need some simple excavating equipment, a large tablecloth, and a box of donuts. Dig a hole in your backyard at least 10 feet deep and cover it with the tablecloth. Weigh it down at the corners just enough that it will support a box of donuts. Wait until the Taurus man goes after the donuts and falls into the pit you have dug. Occasionally throw in more donuts to avoid starvation. Warning: if you ever let him out of the pit he will probably cheat on you.

How can I make a Gemini man jealous?

By demonstrating superior knowledge and language skills. This of course will not prevent him from cheating on you.

How do I know if a Cancer man likes me?

A Cancer man will usually demonstrate attraction by shuffling sideways in a circle around you while making clicking sounds and flapping his hands in the air like they are crab claws. He will also occasionally become startled and hide under a rock until you ask him out. Eventually, you will hurt his feelings and he will cheat on you.

How do I make a Leo man take me back?

Leave him and stay away, only breaking into his home at night occasionally to steal all of his personal care and hygiene products. Let him know that this will keep happening until he takes you back. Don’t forget to call all his friends and tell them that he cheated on you.

How can I make a Virgo man want me?

Purchase a laboratory-grade autoclave. Sterilize all your dishes and cutlery in it, and then shrink-wrap them. Send him a picture of this and ask him if he wants to come over for the cleanest meal he has ever had. He will love you forever for this, until he cheats on you.

(NEXT TIME: More high quality astrological advice that you probably don’t deserve, but will get anyway)

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