Oh My Stars



(EDITOR’S NOTE: Matthew Currie is still recovering from quincunx-induced head trauma. In his absence we present answers to your questions from a guest blogger we’ve featured here before, astrologer and author of several pointed and angry Yelp reviews Ilsa Spamalot. CLICK HERE for Part One if you haven’t read it already, because otherwise you’ll never become a better person.)

Dear unworthy astrology acolytes:

Once again I have taken time out of my busy schedule to translate the will of the Universe into terms you can understand. Specifically, I am answering people’s most commonly asked questions, at least according to Google Search Autocomplete. If you do not find the guidance here that you seek, you may need to sign up for one of my courses. Or perhaps you are doomed. You won’t know until you sign up for the course either way, so start with that.

How do I get a Libra man in bed?

Look nice. Act nice. Smell nice. Then ask him if you would like to go to bed with you. This works the vast majority of times, and can often turn into a significant relationship with a Libra. That is, until he cheats on you, of course.

How do I get a Scorpio man back?

It is a well-worn cliche that Scorpios are overly intense, over-sexed, and deceitful. Like many overused cliches, it is absolutely true. Thus, it should be fairly easy to get a Scorpio man back. Call him up and ask him if he can come over and help dispose of a body. When he comes over, tell him you want to have sex with him. A Scorpio man will always go for this because it gives him the opportunity to cheat on you yet again afterwards.

How do I get a Sagittarius man to like me?

Laugh at his jokes. Listen to what he’s blathering on about at any given time and occasionally smile and nod and say that’s really interesting. Before you know it, you’ll be cheating on his current girlfriend with you, and with hard work and determination one day you will be the girlfriend that he cheats on.

How can I tell if a Capricorn man likes me?

If a Capricorn man likes you, he will do a number of uncharacteristic things, like express sensitivity or spend money on you. Once he’s done that, all you need to do is to demontrate to him that a relationship with you would be both beneficial and cost-effective. Then he will go back to cheating on you with his co-worker or accountant.

How do I attract an Aquarius Man?

Show him your uniqueness. Perform a native Peruvian dance for him while wearing accessories made out of recycled tin foil. Tell him that the act of physical love is a way of tuning into the Universal Cosmic Consciousness Vibration, and that’s why cheating on his current girlfriend with you is the right thing to do, until he goes ahead and cheats on you.

How do I get a Pisces man into bed?

Easy. Go to any bar on a slow weeknight and approach your intended Pisces (bonus points if he remembered to take his wedding ring off). Start a conversation. Be charming. Let him know that you are sympathetic to his complex emotions and that he is your One True Love. Well, for tonight, anyway.

Want to know how to work with the current and future energies to get maximum benefit? Feel free to write me about it!

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