Oh My Stars

smatthew currie sign change operation
Today on my blog I am interviewing someone who is a pioneer in the field of astrology: the first person to ever get a Sign Change operation. Under condition of anonymity, she has generously offered to share her story with us today.


MC: First, tell us a little about yourself.

ANON: Well, I was born in September, but from the very beginning I suspected something was wrong. I was always told what Virgo was supposed to be like, and I did research into it on my own, but somehow it just never seem to fit me. Every year I’d get hand sanitizer and self-help books for my birthday, but I never got any use out of them.

MC: That sounds awkward.

ANON: It was. All the other Virgos said that when they grew up they wanted to be veterinarians or nurses. I wanted to be a NASCAR driver. I loved climbing trees as a child, but all the other Virgos would ever do is stand around with their first aid kits waiting for me to fall.

MC: When did things change for you?

ANON: When I was 12 years old I found a book in my mother’s night stand that I knew I wasn’t supposed to read. It contains the descriptions of all the Signs, but I didn’t get past the first one. As soon as I read it, I knew it hard what I really was. I was an Aries trapped in a Virgo body.

MC: Were you able to discuss this with your parents?

ANON: I didn’t work up the nerve to tell them until I was 16. They didn’t take it very well at all. My mother cried for a week straight. My father beat me about the head with a copy of Linda Goodman’s “Sun Signs.”

MC: How were you finally able to come to terms with all this?

ANON: As with many people, it began when I moved away and went to college and engaged in some experimentation. Sure, I had Fire Sign friends — just like most people do — but I was afraid to explore that side of myself until one Saturday night I was invited to a Fire Sign party. I was hoping to just sit back and observe, but I had a few drinks and I became more comfortable with the atmosphere. By the end of the evening I was completely drunk, made plans to go skydiving, rode a mechanical bull, and made out with a Sagittarius.

MC: Did you experience any guilt or conflict the next morning?

ANON: Absolutely not! I had discovered who I really was, and had decided that I was going to change to be more myself, not less. After a long search I was able to find a practitioner who could help me undergo Sign change.

MC: And who would that be?

ANON: The Reverend Doctor Guru Onan Gupta.

MC: I see. And what does this Sign Change procedure consist of?

ANON: Once a month Reverend Doctor Guru Onan Gupta performs a ritual for me that helps me be more impulsive and less concerned with details. There are also supplements that he sends out.

MC: What kind of supplements?

ANON: Cayenne and jalapeno poppers, mostly.

MC: How much is he charging you for this?

ANON: $500 for the initial session, then $400 per month for the supplements. I’m told them within 18 months I will have completely transitioned.

MC: You know what I find interesting about this? I have had a look at your birth chart and yes, you have Sun in Virgo. But you have your Moon, Mars, and Jupiter in Aries, and your placements in Libra are amplifying those factors in your birth chart. So really, it’s no wonder you’ve always identified more with Aries than with Virgo. You didn’t need any kind of Sign Change procedure: you just needed to talk to an astrologer who understands that there’s a lot more to a person than just their Sun Sign.

ANON: I… I didn’t know that.

MC: …And that would have cost a lot less than you’re paying for your so-called “procedure.” And it would have been a lot more insightful, and far less expensive.

ANON: (after a long pause) I wonder if I can get my hand sanitizer back.

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