Oh My Stars

(EDITOR’S NOTE: Matthew Currie will not be writing this blog today, as he is currently in court awaiting charges relating to a drunken brawl with a quincunx. In his place, we present a Special Guest Astrologer whose comments we retrieved from our spam folder. Thank you for your patience.)

In response to Ask An Astrologer: Free Will (And Steve’s A Jerk)

This is long-winded nonsense. One cannot create one’s own reality unless you first conform to the instructions you are given by an Evolved Higher Guru like myself. Millions have already done it, why are YOU so dumb? Send $49.95 to me now or you will never have the life you want. Details at my web site: *Onan*Is*Everything*!.com

In response to Ask An Astrologer: My Brilliant Career?

Terrible advice! This chart clearly indicates fame and fortune (probably via starring in a Reality Show) because you have Moon in Leo, and every famous person EVER has Moon in Leo. Stop talking to frauds like Mr. Currie and get some real spiritual guidance! Click on the PayPal donation button at my web site — *Onan*Is*Everything*!.com — for more details!

In response to Astrology And Career Guidance

This is the chart of an Evolved Higher Guru trapped in a human body. Silly astrologers like Mr. Currie will never help you. In order to liberate your inner Evolved Higher Guru you must learn from me: specifically, the combination of THE MOST REAL AND ACCURATE FACTORS presented by Astrology, Numerology, Palmistry, Feng Shui, Yoga and Clog Dancing. I call this ancient practice (which I patented last year) AUTO-PROCTOLOGY, and I can show you how to reach deeply inside yourself for the True Answers, just as I do! Write me at *Onan*Is*Everything*!.com (payment plans available).

In response to Ask An Astrologer: Forever Alone?

Once again Mr. Currie is being fraudulent, deceptive, and wicked. In order to attract your One True Super Twin Flame Soul Mate, you must first find out where he or she is. Do I have that person’s name, address or phone number? You’ll never know unless you pay me for a reading! Details at *Onan*Is*Everything*!.com

In response to Is Astrology Hopeless?

Lies! You don’t do anyone any good at all, Mr. Currie. I on the other hand have produced over 200 tweets a week about astrology, and you hardly ever use Twitter. I have published them in my new e-book, “Everyone Sucks Except ME!” which is now available at *Onan*Is*Everything*!.com

(Reverend Doctor Guru Onan Gupta is available for consultations. Check your Spam Folder for details!)

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