Oh My Stars

beliefnet matthew currie astrology mars saturn forecast
First of all, if you haven’t read about the Venus Jupiter Emergency Happiness Alert, click here and do so now. Although you should stick to the timing I give for maximum effectiveness if you can, this conjunction will be in effect for the next few days, so you haven’t missed the boat just yet. It’s a rare opportunity to potentially make your life much better. Besides: it’s probably best to put your efforts into something positive now, because the rest of the week could be a major bummer.

This week, Mars and Saturn are approaching the exact conjunction at 17° Scorpio, turning up the volume on the Saturn-Uranus quincunx even more.

How should you handle this? Perhaps by pretending that you are an artist, and that the art you create is your life. How should you NOT handle this? By being like George Lucas and turning your life into a “Special Edition.”


Allow me to explain. As most of you know, George Lucas created the original Star Wars trilogy in the 1970s and early 80s, and then armed with vast wealth and vastly improved technology, he turned his attention back to those films in 2004 to make a series of minor adjustments and corrections to the original films.

Fine, you might think. They’re his movies and he should do with them as he likes. Except that, even if you’re not a Star Wars fan, you’ve probably heard that a lot of his “improvements” actually made the films significantly worse. Many of his changes didn’t make particularly good sense in terms of either visuals or story-line. The most famous examples are the “Greedo shoots first” change to the encounter with Han Solo, and the completely unnecessary addition of a CGI Jabba the Hutt in the first film.

These actually aren’t the most egregious changes to the first film, in my mind. The single worst change was when Luke and Obi-Wan and the droids arrived at Mos Eisley — The famous “these aren’t the droids you’re looking for” scene. When our heroes arrive Lucas decided to cover up a minimally-dodgy effects shot by plastering layer upon layer of extra characters roaming through the street in front of it, as I have illustrated above.

In other words: George Lucas cut off his nose to spite his face. With Mars and Saturn conjunct in Scorpio, there is going to be a profound urge for a lot of nose-cutting going around.

So, I guess the message here is “think carefully before you make any drastic changes to your life.” Or maybe my point is “if you don’t like the movie you’ve made, make a different one instead.” No, wait, “The Phantom Menace” really sucked. Oh screw it. I don’t know what my point is anymore. The Mars-Saturn conjunction is making me angry and inpatient and irrational like it is doing to a lot of people. Grrrr.

I don’t know. Whatever. Here’s your damn forecast:


Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Sometimes the best way to get through things is to find an empathetic loved one to commiserate with. Sometimes the best way to get through things is just blast your way through them. Try not to get confused and accidentally blast your way through your loved ones this week.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Remember when you were a kid and you could hide under your blankets so that the monsters couldn’t see you? If you notice people keep hiding under blankets whenever you approach them this week, you might want to reconsider how you’re handling your relationships.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Sometimes it’s really easy to avoid your problems by burying yourself in the fiddly little details of daily life. I know that won’t solve everything, but it certainly is wiser than burying yourself in an early grave worrying about things. So go ahead and spend all week re-itemizing your deductions if need be.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Remember that old Fleetwood Mac song “You Make Loving Fun”? It certainly outsold that other great 70s masterpiece, “Here’s All The Reasons You’re Annoying Me, And I’m Gonna Repeat Them Over And Over Again.” Perhaps you should consider changing your tune if you want someone to buy your record.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Feel free to continue to bask in the awesomeness of existence this week, even though on some level or another it feels like your base is being undermined. Don’t panic: that’s just your base being undermined. You can pick up a new base on sale later, I’m sure.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Remember that famous line The Joker had in “The Dark Knight”: “Why so serious?” If Batman had responded with something like “you’re absolutely right, let’s go hit the town, have a few drinks, and spend some money” it would’ve saved a whole lot of people from getting killed. Think about that this week.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Get out! Have fun! Life is a party! But whatever you do, make sure you take someone along will pick up the tab for the drinks, because financially it’s still going to be a meat-grinder for you for a while.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
I hope you appreciate the gentle way I’ve tried to coach you through your difficult times in the last while, Scorpio. You are strong and you can make it through the worst of times. And if you need to screen to make it feel better, I will just smile and put in earplugs. We all love you Scorpio.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Have a good time doing what you like to do, when you’re doing it. That will help you for that vague sense of pressure you’re feeling lately. That, or buy a mood sandbox and a mood slide to go with those mood swings you’re having, and open up a mood playground.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
One of the great things about “being your worst enemy” they don’t tell you about is that means it usually easy to find where your enemy is when you’re planning an attack. That’s what makes this week so inconvenient: it seems like everyone else is out to get you except yourself. Relax. Focus on sex instead.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You get by with a little help from your friends. You get high with a little help from your friends. That’s what the Beatles said, and you should remember that, because the Beatles never sang about how great work was, because work is a total drag.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
There was an old poster back in the 70s that was quite popular that said something like “it’s hard to soar with the eagles when you work with a bunch of turkeys.” If you want to make your life a better place, you need to ignore the other turkeys because you might turn out to be one yourself, anyway. Just keep flapping your wings, Mighty Bird,  and you’ll  get there someday.


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