Two men were sitting at the bar talking. The one man asks “Why do you drink so much?” The other man says “I drink to forget” to which the first man asks “What are you trying to forget?” to which the other man says “I don’t remember”. This is a very old joke, kind of a […]
Lets discuss why we become addicted to a person whom we have attracted into our life to the point where we keep giving them another chance despite the are “knowing” that we are not in a relationship with the type of person who enhances our life, who loves us unconditionally, who respects us, who accepts us for who we are, etc.
Note addiction as I use it in this article is defined as ” a dependency of the mind, which can lead to psychological withdrawal symptoms “.
With this definition in mind it is true that we can become addicted to another person. The question is why do we become addicted to a person whom we know is not the type of person that we want to be in a relationship with.
The reality is that addictive behavior is never good. We should not be addicted to anyone. There is a difference between being addicted to a person and being in a long term loving relationship.
Being addicted to another person means that we truly believe, despite how miserable we may be with this person, that we cannot live without them, that we cannot properly function without this person in our life. From the moment we do separate from this person we experience so much pain that we must have this person back. We shut down when this person is not in our life, we make ourselves ill over the absence of this person. We know (as any addict knows, that this addiction is not healthy), however we are overcome by the addiction and keep attracting, inviting this person back into our life.
The good news about this type of addiction is, it is all of our own making, it is purely mental! Which means, although we may have to go through some sort of withdraw, we can make a choice to make the change, to go though withdraw with the knowing that we will come out the other side a much healthier person. We can choose to break our addictive behavior.
Note, I am not saying this is easy, matter of fact in some ways this can be one of the most difficult addictions to break. Why, because the thing that you are addicted to in this case is a person with a voice and the method to reach out to you, to beg you for yet another chance, to say that they will change and become the type of person you want. This addiction will literally call out your name and say things to manipulate your emotions.
As in any change, you must be committed, you may need to seek support from family, friends and professional services. The bottom line, you can choose to break your addiction to this person!
I suggest that if you believe you are in an addictive relationship that you do the following exercise:
– Find a quiet place
– Reflect on your current relationship
– Now step outside yourself, become the observer
– Note what you see, who you see as the observer
– Once you make the decision to make the change, break your addiction
– Acknowledge the emotions that you will go through as part of the change, acknowledge the withdraw that you will feel
– As you go through the withdraw and the roller coaster of emotions, step outside of yourself and become the observer. Observe what is happening. As you observe yourself, note how strong and powerful you can be and visualize how you will be as you complete the withdraw, how you will be, as your light shines brighter and brighter as you free yourself from the bonds of the prison that you made for yourself!
Note there are many reason besides being addicted to another person that we stay in a relationship with someone who is not the type of person we desire to be with, some of them are:
– Financial Security
– For the good of the children
– The Comfort Factor – that is, we are comfortable in our misery, we are comfortable with what we know and uncomfortable with the unknown.
– We believe, despite all proof that tells us otherwise, that the other person will change
– We believe that the relationship problems are caused by our inadequacy
– We do not believe we are worthy of love
– We don’t want to lose all of the material things that we have acquired
– We do not believe that we will find someone else and we will be left all alone
– You fear for your safety
– We compare our relationships to other relationships we have observed such as our parent’s relationship, friends and family and we say “well, compared to the relationships I know of, the relationship that I am in is really not that bad.
These are justifications! Believe me, if you really desire to make the change, you are willing to do what it takes to make the change, you will find a way to make the change. One of the things I know without any doubt is that when you want to remove yourself from an unhealthy relationship, you will find a way and be willing to make the changes in your life to make it happen. In other words, you will blow the justifications and excuses out of the water and make the change happen!