Make Your Relationship Work


Every so often I’ll get a question around here that makes me feel like it needs more than just a quick answer. Such is the case with an anonymous question I received yesterday that goes a little something like this: Do I have an obligation to tell the guy I’m seeing that I’m pregnant if I plan on ending the pregnancy? It’s only been two months of seeing each other and it’s more “friends with benefits” than anything else.

Oy vey.

Talk about your cluster *CENSORED* of emotions. But this person’s question raises all kinds of valid and interesting issues. Namely, the moral argument versus the practical argument. And to a much larger scale the rights of men versus women in situations like these. To be clear, I have no intention on arguing about the gender rights issue, but I will say that I think it’s patently absurd that men have no say so once a woman gets pregnant. But that is perhaps based on the fact that I’ve read far too many infuriating stories. So let’s leave that one for the courts and sites intended to hash those issues out.

To the original point, I can’t imagine what would go through a woman’s mind upon finding out that she’s pregnant by a man that she cant’ say she loves. It can’t be any easier to decide to terminate the pregnancy. Maybe she realized it was just not in her own best interest to be a mother at this point and especially not with the particular individual she got pregnant by. I realize that how you feel about what I just said might differ greatly depending on where you fall in the pro-life vs pro-choice debate. But a decision has to be made and she’s decided she’s going to end the pregnancy.

So what should she do?

Here’s where it gets tricky. Morally speaking, yes she has an obligation to tell the guy that she is pregnant with his child. The man has a right to know. They laid down together and had sex and a pregnancy occurred. Whether he would want to keep it is irrelevant to whether or not he has a right to know. But this is also where the man’s right issue comes in. She’s already decided that she’s not keeping the baby…no matter what he says. I cannot imagine for the life of me the mental anquish I’d go through if a woman told me she was pregnant and then in the next breath told me she wasn’t keeping it. I have no idea what side of that argument I’d be on and it would largely depend on the woman and circumstances, but it is a life we’re talking about. Moving on though, morally speaking, she should tell him, even though she’s made the choice without his input.

Practially speaking on the other hand, based on her decision to forego the pregnancy, she should keep it to herself. And I think I lean more towards this for my answer. If you were to tell me that you were pregnant AND that you weren’t keeping it in the same sentence, I’d become livid. It takes two to tango but I have no say so on the end result? It’s a principle issue but its bigger than that. You’re playing God with something that I helped to create and I’m held completely powerless. It’s just not fair. That’s my CHILD you’re talking about and you’ve decided that I will never meet them. Dramatic as that sounds, its more truth than it isn’t. But since that choice is already made, there really is no point in putting him and yourself through the histrionics of what would happen once you told him. You’ve decided you don’t want to be a mother to this child with this fellow so keep your mouth shut.

While I don’t really like that outcome, given the circumstances, it seems like the logical choice. Morals are great until they ruin everybody’s life.

Ladies and gentleman, what do you think she should do?

PS For everybody that will say that they’re appalled that I said nothing about personal responsibility, etc, you’re right. It was on purpose. She’s not asking if she should keep it. She’s decided she’s not. Its not my job to judge her. Her question was about if she should tell her guy or not.

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