love | depression | Terezia Farkas | Beliefnet

It takes love to heal. Love is the ointment that soothes and starts to heal emotional wounds. Love allows forgiveness to enter the heart and soul. Love cracks the darkness of depression, and tears away at despair.

Love stands quietly beside you in depression.

As I sat, depressed and angry, I asked, “Who in the world cares about me?” The answer that always came back was, “No one.” But that answer was a lie. It was a lie I told myself once, then kept repeating.

There were people who cared about me. There were people who loved me. But I couldn’t feel anyone’s kindness or concern. I was too wrapped up in misery, guilt, and pain.

I didn’t want to see anyone who was happy. I didn’t want to hear good news about others, or hear how successful so-and-so was. I was doing horribly. I lost my ability to perform well at work. I couldn’t function socially. My physical body hurt so badly, I couldn’t do any of the things I used to enjoy.

Friends would say to me that they were there for me. In my heart I knew they loved me. Why else would someone hang out with such an emotionally messed up person? But I couldn’t be happy around them. I felt broken inside. I’d get angry, and shout at others, hoping to scare them away from me. But some people wouldn’t leave, no matter how ugly or messed up I got. Love stood quietly waiting in the darkness for me.

The knock on the heart

Then one day, after years of emotional agony, I saw a glimmer of light. It was warm, and a bit dull, but it made me feel … well, I couldn’t explain how it made me feel. After years of pain I had become numb to any feeling. I didn’t feel anything. Not love, not hate, not guilt. Just a horrendous pain.

But that light, it brought a familiar feeling into my heart. It stirred a part of memory that I had locked away. It made me want to physically move around, to do something. So I looked up and out into the world.

That was the first time I didn’t lie to myself. I looked at love and asked, “Who cares about me?” And the answer came back, “I do.”

 

Find me on twitter @tereziafarkas

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