“What is objectionable, what is dangerous about extremists is not that they are extreme, but that they are intolerant. The evil is not what they say about their cause, but what they say about their opponents.”― Robert F. Kennedy First, a confession: Although I pride myself on my ability to dialog and find a common […]
“If you can’t communicate with your partner, then you don’t have a relationship” – B. Dave Walters
OK, normally I would never quote myself, but this time it is justified!
I have said again and again that if you can’t talk with your partner, especially in relationships, but even friends and coworkers, then you don’t have a relationship.
One of the number one things I have learned in my work in the Los Angeles entertainment scene, both as a writer and as a Coach for various celebrities, is communication is king. What makes a good actor? Their ability to communicate feelings to you, just like good music or writing communicates with you and causes you to feel certain things.
In the video below, I explain all about how to talk / communicate with the people in your life, in order to get the type of results you are trying to get.
Because, communication is the foundation of your happiness and success.
If you can’t communicate effectively, you can’t relate to others effectively, either.
The reason why I say that, is no one can do it alone. The idea of a ‘self made man’ is a myth, everything we achieve, we do so side by side and sometimes on the shoulders of others who have boosted us up.
In the video below, I explain how only 7% of communication is the words we use. 38% is tone and inflection, or how we say it. The remaining 55% is body language and posture!
Combine that with the fact that when a person takes in a message, we go through a process of deleting, distorting, and generalizing the message we received.
So the challenge, then, to effective to communication is no only to be clear on what you are really communicating, and what others are really communicating, but to be aware of what it is you are both *hearing * as well!
Let me give you an example: when you hear me say in my videos, “you’re great, and I love you”, what goes through your mind?
Maybe you think “I love you, too” (thanks, by the way), or maybe you think it’s corny. Or maybe you feel uneasy, because deep down you don’t feel worth of love; or 100 other possible reactions.
The fact is though, all I said is “you’re great, and I love you”, but it can be interpreted an infinite number of ways.
So, how to go about applying this to your life.
First and foremost, if there is a person you are having trouble communicating with, a friend, coworker, or significant other, look first and foremost at yourself.
Begin by listening, REALLY listening, to what it is they are saying. I explain in the video how to know what their primary communication style is, and even knowing that can help you approach them much more effectively; but you’ll never know that until you start paying attention.
And that’s another clue: pay attention! Be interested! Actually listen to what people are saying, rather than thinking ahead to the next thing you are going to say! You’d be amazed how much information you can gain once you start paying attention to how people say what they say, how they say it, and even what they *don’t * say! Combine that with paying attention to their body language; do they seem happy? Sad? Relaxed, or aggressive? Even if you haven’t been ‘formally’ trained, you’ve been communicating for your whole life; you’ll start to intuitively understand it pretty easily.
But while you’re listening, also be aware of the fact that YOU TOO are generalizing, distorting, and deleting things they are saying. You are filtering what comes into your mind to fit your own preconceived notions of what is going to happen! The only way around this, is to become aware of the fact that you (and everyone else) are already doing it.
A useful trick, is to repeat back to people what you think they said. If they are telling you something important, or asking you a question, say back to them “so what I’m hearing, is you are saying *blank *” If you got it right, they’ll feel so much better because they know you are paying attention to them (a rare commodity in this day and age); and if you are mistaken, it lets you clean things up right there on the spot.
Taking the time to really listen and understand where someone else is coming from is probably the most important part of effective communication.
And one other useful trick, is to say things in as few words as possible, so I am going to go ahead and stop here!
What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!
You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click subscribe over on the right hand side!
B. Dave Walters
Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host
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