“What is objectionable, what is dangerous about extremists is not that they are extreme, but that they are intolerant. The evil is not what they say about their cause, but what they say about their opponents.”― Robert F. Kennedy First, a confession: Although I pride myself on my ability to dialog and find a common […]
“A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge” -Thomas Carlyle
People say dating is hard in Los Angeles, because of the facades that people put up; but I think dating and relationships can be challenging all over the world.
One of my most popular articles to date was ‘Spiritual Loving‘, my article on how to find the right person. Between that article and the video below, I shared several ways to locate and catch that special someone.
So for this article, I want to flesh out some of the ideas from those two places, and share some thoughts I’ve had since they posted.
And one other thing: all of these points apply to a single person who is in the market, and for a person who already has a relationship; since even a good one has room to become great.
In my coaching, I often hear people ask me how to ‘make’ someone love them. Or tell me all manner of things the other person has done to them, and yet they keep taking it believing the time will come that the person spontaneously changes. So, then, here is the first point:
Words lie, actions always tell the truth.
It doesn’t matter what people say, it matters what they DO. If he tells you he loves you, but hits you; he doesn’t love you. If she tells you she loves you, but cheats on you all the time, she doesn’t love you. It may be your situation isn’t worth salvaging in the first place, in which case you need to know when to let go.
Also, if you are having trouble committing, or that person is having trouble committing to you, it is because of one of two reasons: the past, or you think something better is going to come along.
If you’ve taken the time to complete the past and still don’t feel it, then again it may be that the relationship has run it’s course; the two of you had your time and now it is time to move on for both of your sakes.
We all have different wants and needs in a relationship; obviously the you have to feel an attraction to the person or you may be better off as good friends; but when the dust settles you only need one thing in order to have a successful relationship:
You need to find someone you can love, respect, and grow with; who can love, respect and grow with you. In short you have to be able to put up with each other’s crap and still love one another afterwards. That may not sound very poetic, but it’s a fact. You will have disagreements; but can you talk to each other like adults and work it out, or will you bicker like children?
Which leads to my next point: communication.
Talk to each other, and BE HONEST!!!!
Resolve right now, today, to give up pointless tests and mind games. Become open an honest in your dealings with your partner, and everyone else you deal with. Now don’t get me wrong, I realize there has to be a bit of mystery in a relationship; and if you tell them you love them on the first date that may not go over well. But in general, be clear on what you think and how you feel.
If you can’t talk to that special someone, then you may not be as special to them as you think.
Which leads to the next point: you have to be on the same page.
If one of you is in love, and the other one is just in it for sex, you are in trouble! You have to both understand what it is; are you just dating? Purely physical? Maybe going to spend the rest of your lives together (maybe)?
If one of you wants to get married and have 10 kids and the other one refuses to get married ever or have kids, you may be in trouble!
I have gone on record many times saying it is better to be alone than be with the wrong person. At least if you are alone, you are telling the Universe you are open to receiving something better; if you continue to cling to something you know isn’t working you are telling the Universe you don’t want anything better.
And not only that, both of you deserve to have relationships that are happy and fulfilling with someone who will love every inch of you. If you don’t have that, create it. If you can’t create it,move on.
Now, let’s say you want to get someone to pay more attention to you. The way to get more attention is:
MAKE SPENDING TIME WITH YOU THE BEST AND MOST ENJOYABLE THING IN THE WORLD FOR THAT OTHER PERSON!
Now I know this has never happened, to *you *, but back in my single days I had more than one girl throw tantrums or do crazy things to get me to pay more attention to them. And while it’s true it will get you attention, it’s probably not the attention you want!
If you want him to turn off the game to talk to you, try wearing something he likes seeing you in. If you want her to go get coffee with you, make her feel beautiful. The point is: catch flies with honey. Be the person they light up to see; and you’ll become their favorite person, in no time.
By the way:
If you haven’t tried it, give online dating a shot. Believe it or not, I met my wife on a dating site and we’ve been married for over 8 years!
I know, I know, hear me out: you might think it sounds lame, but it’s no lamer than meeting people in bars or sitting home alone. And if you ‘tried it but it didn’t work’, message me on Facebook and I’ll help you put together a better profile and make better choices of who you go out with!
You need to try lots of different things on and off line; but it’s easy to get caught up in a cycle of work, maybe school, home over and over again. The older we get the harder it is to be exposed to new people, and online dating helps get around that. All online dating does is remove time and space from the dating equation, and let you meet new people in an easy way. And, you can learn more about them then just knowing they have a cute face and are in the same room with you, which is all know when you met people out in the real world.
And one final thing:
You don’t HAVE to have a relationship in order to be happy. Don’t get me wrong, the right relationship makes everything in life better; but the wrong one makes EVERYTHING worse. Don’t look to another person to complete you or fill in some sort of hole in your life, look for that person who is going to boost you and help you fly higher and higher than you ever could have imagined.
Check out the video, apply the tools, and watch your love life explode. Let me know how it works out, and be sure to send me an invitation to the wedding!
What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!
You are great, and I love you!
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B. Dave Walters
Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host
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