“What is objectionable, what is dangerous about extremists is not that they are extreme, but that they are intolerant. The evil is not what they say about their cause, but what they say about their opponents.”― Robert F. Kennedy First, a confession: Although I pride myself on my ability to dialog and find a common […]
*This was my most popular article to date…how to get over anyone or anything!*
“I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken — and I’d rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.”
Over the last few days, I’ve had quite a few people ask me how to let go of negative emotions, especially how to let go of past relationships and move on. I figure, if so many people have asked the same question, then many other people must be thinking and struggling with it in their own lives.
My most popular article to date was ‘Spiritual Loving’, where I explained how to find that Mr/s. Right; so it’s only fitting that we now talk about the other end of the journey together.
I included in the video below a general tool you can use to let go of negativity and hurtful emotions, but here in the article I want to talk specifically about moving on from a relationship that has run its course, especially if it ended badly.
Of course, this works much better if I know you and can hear the details of your situation, so if you want to talk about it send me a friend request on Facebook and we will.
In the mean time, here are some steps you can take to get yourself through.
Listen to the other person, and what they are saying. All too often a person asks for space and we won’t give it, or tries to tell us what we are doing that is hurting them and we won’t listen. There are two sides to every story; try and really hear them and what they are saying.
2.Decide if it’s really over or not
Are you 100% sure it’s over? Is it possible it’s just little break that you can recover from if you talk it out and work together?
3.Decide if you really want it to be over
Do you even want this person back? Is this relationship really worth your time?
Here is a test that I’ve used hundreds of times to determine if a relationship is worth staying in. If you’re honest with yourself, it is 100% accurate:
Do you spend more time being happy with this person, enjoying one another, and thinking wonderful loving thoughts;
Do you spend more time fighting, arguing, being unhappy, or wondering if you’re happy. Because if you have to ask if you’re happy: you aren’t.
Whichever one of these you decide is your answer: if you spend more time happy, stay and fight to make it work; if you spend more time unhappy, it’s time to go.
4.Could you see yourself with them a year from now? Ten? Fifty?
Is this person ‘the One’? Are they the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? If you know they aren’t, then all the time you spend with this person is time you’re getting further away from the person who IS the one for you.
Staying with the wrong person blocks the Universe’s ability to send you the right one.
5.Remind yourself of all the reasons it won’t work out, and you are better off apart.
Have you ever heard the saying “no one ever remembers the day it rained at Disneyland”? It means that it is easy to forget why things didn’t work out in the first place! Now let me be clear: I’m not saying to fill up your heart with negative emotions, I am simply saying you need to get some leverage on yourself: the more reasons you know you are better off apart, the easier it will be to let go.
6.Remind yourself of all the wonderful lessons you were blessed to learn from this experience, and how it will make you a better, stronger person.
We’ve said again and again that gratitude is the secret to the Law of Attraction, and we have to be grateful, even for relationships that didn’t work out. That’s why you don’t just focus on what didn’t work, but on the good things and lessons you are going to take away.
7.Have you forgiven them for what they did?
I wrote a previous article on why people do what they do. For the most part, people don’t set out to do things to hurt you, even though that may be what ends up happening.
No matter what they did, you have to forgive them for it.
Buddha said “holding on to anger with the intention of hurting another person is like picking up a hot coal to throw it: you are the one who gets burned.”
Anger and negativity clouds your mind and your energy, and stops you from being able to attract positive things and new love into your life.
No one can make you feel bad without your permission. Don’t give them the power over you to rob you of your joy. They don’t deserve it.
8.Have you forgiven yourself?
Like I said, there are two sides to every story.
If I ask your Ex what happened, their version of events is probably *very * different from yours! Breakups have a bad tendency to bring out the worst in us, and it may make us say or do things we don’t mean.
You may also be punishing yourself for opening up, or for being too trusting, or having not seen the signs that something was wrong.
I wrote before about how regret can only exist in the past, and fear can only exist in the future. A big cause for all the problems we have in this world is people haven’t released their past hurts, and forgiven everyone involved including themselves. This gets us into situations where we aren’t reacting to what is actually happening, we are reacting to situations that have happened in the past!
Let me give you an example: have you ever seen someone completely overreact to something harmless? Or maybe they got really weird and started acting strangely once your relationship became more serious. Maybe *you * get uncomfortable when things start getting too serious. This is because if we’ve been hurt in the past, we become hyper sensitive and afraid of being hurt again in the future.
But that’s no way to live, and it is DEFINITELY no way to love.
The only way to be in a relationship is fully and openly; it is possible that a person may betray that trust, but it doesn’t mean the next person is going to. Don’t punish the next person for this one and past one’s mistakes.
I can tell you this: a broken heart feels bad, but living life with your defenses up and never knowing true and unconditional love feels much, much worse.
9.Let it go.
Trust that God / The Universe will make sure everything works out for the best. Even if it’s not how you hoped it will turn out, know that the absolute best thing for you and for ex.
Forgive yourself and let it go, the pain you’re feeling isn’t from wanting their forgiveness or approval, but from needing your OWN forgiveness and approval. Even if s/he calls you tomorrow it won’t make a difference if you don’t accept the truth in your heart.
Once you’re OK with what has happened, you’ll be able to see things more clearly and let them work themselves out for the best.
If it’s meant to be, it will be. You can’t force it, and even trying to force it will just make it move further away.
How to let go of anything
What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!
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B. Dave Walters
Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host
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