You Can Sit With Us

I sit next to my dad and he just isn’t there anymore. He’s far away, my hope somewhere peaceful. One night driving home from the hospital, the Holy Spirit said “write your dad a love letter.” I wonder now if that was because I wouldn’t be getting my dad back. When my mind begins to go there, I feel paralyzed by fear. What if he doesn’t get better? What if he dies? Watching my dad decline has wrecked havoc on my strength and my faith. I want to hide but where? I’m a woman of God so I know the drill, I know to pray, go to church, read my bible but right now I don’t want to do any of those things. It feels phony because the truth is, I think I have gotten this whole God thing wrong in certain ways. I expected Him to heal my dad. I expected Him to help me with my dreams. I expected Him to take care of my mom. Where is He? Why is it when we are really hurting is God silent? Maybe, Ive closed my ears to Him because I feel let down, discouraged. Nothing makes sense to me right now. Why does bad seem to win so much? Why are people suffering everywhere I turn? Where is the help?

Today, don’t wait to tell someone how you feel. Today, don’t hold grudges or hate in your heart. Today, do the right thing. Today, don’t put off until tomorrow because tomorrow may not come.

Today, I struggle but maybe tomorrow He will come, hold me and tell me it’s all part of My plan, child. Trust Me.

The wait is over, your time has come. The dry season is ending, spring is here. Look, don’t you see the rain over the horizon? Just a few more steps up that mountain. Your miracle is there, go ahead and take hold of it. Was it a dream? A broken relationship? Whatever that thing is that you’ve been hoping for to be restored is about to flourish. I know there’s been tears, crying out, thoughts of hopelessness but I can assure you something was growing far beneath the surface. Do you remember the seeds you planted in the dry ground? Some you had to physically dig up and replace but you did it. The valley was dark, you couldn’t see light like a bird without a song. You thought will I ever get out of this place? You were cold, afraid and felt alone. I can assure you, you were not alone, not for one second.  There were things you needed to lay down and there were things you needed to pick up ; securely place within your soul. Everything you needed was already there, you just lost your way for a little while. Who has the say in your life? Of whom do you belong? Ah yes you know! Now things can come to pass. It took grit, it took virtue but you did it! Now turn around and pull up your brother and sister who needs your hand, your testimony so they too can one day very soon stand on top of their mountain and shout MOVE

Co- Dependency is something we all experience to some degree yet it can leave us damaged. Let’s go back to the root first and then we can look forward. Man’s first emotion was fear that was expressed after Adam ate from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. So when he lost his connection to God, he then became afraid to trust God in turn seeking other ways to get his needs met. Unfortunately this was Satan’s plan from the beginning all the way down to you and me. Man wants to be the god of his own world. The problem with that is that he needs other people to comply with his expectations in order to be content. Has that ever really worked long term though? See God designed us with purpose and one of those purposes is to depend on Him. He made us that way so as we search to and fro for someone else to meet our latest need, we in time become weary and empty.

Co-dependency is deceitful, manipulative, self-abasing, and guilt producing. It turns genuine love and care to toxic waste because it is shamed based and fear motivated. Shame based because a person starts to feel like something is wrong with them and therefore they need a weaker person to help in order to feel valued or important. Shame based because they need someone else to cover for them while they indulge in their sin.  Fear motivated because they are so afraid of being found out that they are not perfect. Fearful because they feel insecure if they are not experiencing love and acceptance. Every inter relational conflict can stem from co-dependency… using someone else to meet my needs. Abraham used Hagar, David used Bathsheba, Joseph used Esau, Laban used Joseph.

Do we all have needs? Of course but when we depend on someone else besides God to meet those needs, real pain begins. Filling yourself up with others instead of God puts us in bondage when we are looking for freedom. Paul tells us, God will supply all of your needs according to His riches and glory in Christ Jesus and that he has blessed us with every spiritual blessing. God calls us into dependency on Him.

Yes, he wants us to live in community and serve for our enjoyment, support, encouragement, and love but not to give us our reason for living. God does use others in our lives to care for/love us, but He is always the source.

Do we know our source? Ask God for a personal encounter, spend time with Him and see if he doesn’t start to show you who He is and how much He adores you. You are His child.

Some of the characteristics of Codependency are…

Control- problem the most significant. Since another person is their source of happiness they need to make sure they are controlling the other person so that they can ensure their peace/self- worth. Not controlling the other person puts them at risk for pain. However, this attempt replaces intimate, authentic, honest relations and every behavior becomes a means to a self- serving end. This type of living is exhaustive and selfish. Common remarks spoken that indicate this characteristic are

“Is this what you say after all I have done for you?”

“No one has done more for you than I have?”

“Aren’t you going to say you’re welcome?”

A person with low self worth is particularly vulnerable to a co-dependent relationship. They feel they have no value. They will do whatever it takes to feel a small amount of “love”. They become enslaved to a demanding person in order to have some sense of belonging. I struggled deeply with low self esteem. I am finally allowing God in to heal and strengthen me.

A religious/legalistic spirit can also become a co-dependent way to live. Get into an authentic relationship with God and let Him guide you. God is the judge.

Victim mentality is a person who feels like the world owes them something. I use to have this one big time. You think you are helpless or powerless so you push that onto someone else. God is our Father and He holds all the power and has given us a spirit of power. I am not talking about what the world considers power but abilities, mind, body to persevere. He will open the doors if we do our part too. He tells us to get up and walk.  He will heal our land and make a way in the wilderness. He is a rewarder of those who love Him.

Hurtful distorted belief system can also create co-dependency. I had this one too. Man is the devil a liar! This drives people into unhealthy relationships. Go to God and His word so you can learn and absorb truth. Start in Proverbs.

It’s important to trust the people we care about into God’s care for He is the only one who knows them thoroughly. He knows what is best for them, knows their future and knows how to draw them to Himself.

How to begin…

I know this seems super overwhelming and nearly impossible after years of this junk weighing us down but I promise God wants you to have freedom in all areas of your life. He understands your humanity, your history.

  1. Change- start reading scripture everyday even if it’s for 5 minutes. Start. This is where it all begins. Know that your life can change because He holds it all.
  2. Cast down impure thoughts. Take them captive by asking yourself this one question. Is this thought from God or the enemy? It can only be one or the other. You will continue to hurt yourself and others if you just let whatever thought come and take hold in your mind.
  3. Start talking to God, tell him everything. Everything that scares you, hurts you.. He is your advocate and very best listener. Do not be afraid to share with Him. He already knows and loves you madly.
  4. You were born for such a time as this. Get up and run the race set before you. The more you trust God, the more He will do the unimaginable in and through you.



I am currently writing a training manual based off biblical principles to help counsel and heal others. The area on empathy spoke volumes to me and I hope it will to you too.


Let’s say something is hurting you, or you need help in some area. I want you to stop for a minute before we go any further and think about someone in your life that really understands you. Do you have a person or persons you can go to and be totally raw with ? I am not talking about someone who will give you the advice they think you want to hear whether good, bad, or  indifferent. I am talking about someone who truly gets you by listening.  Here are some indicators to help you assess those people in your life. If you don’t have at least one person in your life that meets this assessment, then I suggest you pray and ask God to bring that person into your life.  He will! We need support along the way and God designed us for relationship.

When a listener ranks low on the empathy scale it will look like this….

Ridicules the speaker’s feelings

Puts down speaker for something they must have done

Challenges speaker’s perceptions and ideas

Defensive when speakers let’s them know how this is making them feel

Disregarding/dismissing needs, dreams, desires of speakers

Plays devil’s advocate

Do any of these resonate with you? Can you take an honest look at yourself and see ways you can improve when listening to others? See, God said we are the salt of the earth and the light of the world. Others are suppose to be drawn to us. Are others drawn to you?

When a listener ranks high on the empathy scale it will look like this….

The speaker immediately has a AHA moment, they feel like they can breathe in relief when listener understands them

The listener accurately identifies main feelings. They are looking for the clues that communicate understanding of feelings

The listener goes beyond the obvious feelings to the underlying feelings of the speaker.

The speaker feels they are being heard so they open up and expand even more. ( this is where ideas even begin to grow that help solve the challenge in front of them)

It’s much like if someone laughs at your jokes you become funnier and funnier. When someone feels safe to share and empathy is present, then healing takes place. The speaker’s perception of the situation changes. The begin to feel energized again. New light shines on the situation.

Whom are the people you go to for advice? I am not talking about the hard, practical ones who tell you exactly what to do or how they would do it but to real listeners. Real listeners are kind, least censorious, the least bossy people you know. When people listen and display empathy there is a alternating current that takes place and recharges us so that we never get tired of each other. We are constantly being recreated. You may know a brilliant person but they are a terrible listener. You may know an entertaining person, but they exhaust you if you are in their presence for too long.

When someone listens to you, you go home rested and lighthearted, allowing your heart and your mind to expand, unfolding into a new realm of possibilities. That money can’t buy!

What B.U and S.S say about listening….

This little creative fountain of listening is in all of us. It is the spirit, the intelligence, or the imagination whatever you want to call it. If you are very tired, strained, have no solitude, run too many errands, talk to too many people, drink too many cocktails, have random sex with others, lean on your own understanding, this little fountain or light is muddied over and covered with a lot of debris The result is you stop living from the center ( where God resides) and you live from the periphery, from externals.That is you go on mere willpower without imagination. That is….. you choose to go it alone.

Think of it like this… This person right now is wanting to show me their soul. How grateful am I?