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Oh My Stars

matthew currie astrology planets talking(SCENE: The Board Room where all the planets get together once a week to discuss next week’s transits. The planets are gathering up their papers and preparing to return to work. MERCURY, dressed like a tweedy assistant math instructor, clears his throat and rises to speak.)

MERCURY: If you’ll excuse me, there’s one more item of importance I’d like to address. We need to talk about our relationship. (The other planets groan and mutter and sit back down.) Or rather, relationships in general.

(MERCURY notes that MARS is staring up at the ceiling, looking bored.)

MERCURY: …And especially about sex.

(MARS snaps to attention.)

MERCURY: As you all know… or should know… communication is probably the single most important factor in making a relationship work. And I feel like my needs are being neglected. Now I know that “communication” isn’t very exciting, but it’s still important. (MERCURY produces a thick booklet from his briefcase) I’ve prepared a detailed seventeen-point response to the majority of relationship issues that I need to address… issues that, to be perfectly honest, you guys have mostly started yourselves. If you’ll all refer to the graph on page 47…

(VENUS breaks out her nail kit and starts giving herself a manicure. MARS leaps out of his chair and begins talking dirty to VENUS.)

URANUS: (To VENUS and MARS) Oh boy, let me get my camera!

SATURN: It’ll never work with those two. They’re too different.

NEPTUNE: (taking a drink from a previously-concealed flask) Awww, I’m sure it’ll work this time…

PLUTO: (Shaking his head) Tsk. Where’s the depth? It’s probably doomed.

JUPITER: Hey, at least it ought to be fun to watch!

MOON: Oh, this feels good… so far. But maybe something will go wrong! Oh boy, I can hardly wait to find out!

SUN: Me? Glad you all asked. I’m enjoying this tremendously!

MERCURY: (Tossing the booklet up in the air and walking to the door) I completely give up on you lot!

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