Doing Life Together

Doing Life Together

Inattentive, Problems Concentrating? Maybe you Have Adult ADHD

posted by Linda Mintle

Terrance, age 40, has quit multiple jobs because of boredom. At home, he has several projects going at once, has trouble concentrating and rarely finishes one thing before moving on to the next. His wife is frustrated because she knows he is smart, but seems to have trouble concentrating. Recently, Terrance was diagnosed with adult ADHD. Once the diagnosis was made, Terrance felt like the pieces of his life fell into place. Terrance is one of many adults who were not diagnosed with ADHD as children but adults. 

In the November/December issue of The Saturday Evening Post, veteran medical correspondent, Sharon Begley, explains the science behind how adults are learning to cope with their ADHD symptoms.

“We so often tend to link ADD and ADHD to children that we regularly fail to recognize adults’ symptoms as ADHD,” said Steven Slon, editorial director, The Saturday Evening Post. “Diagnosis allows them to finally seek help and find solutions to questions they were previously unable to answer and problems they were unable to circumvent.”

Begley, “While some people may think that ADHD is caused from today’s disjointed world of smartphones, tablets, and the like, or a result of bad parenting, in fact that is not the case. ADHD is highly heritable, and there is suspicion that conditions in the womb can increase a child’s risk. Although much scientific advancement has been made in adult ADHD, there is still a lot to be learned. As with most mental illnesses, a combination of medication and psychological therapy can markedly reduce symptoms of ADHD in adults.”

Check out the full report, especially if you or someone you know suspects he or she may have ADHD.

The complete report appears in the November/December issue of The Saturday Evening Post or online at http://www.saturdayeveningpost.com/2012/10/22/wellness/adult-adhd.html.

Plus: To read comments from Ty Pennington, Andres Torres, and others with ADHD, visit www.saturdayeveningpost.com/adhd.

Handling Mother-Daughter Conflict

posted by Linda Mintle

If I asked you today, how you feel about your mom, would you be conflicted?

Does that question raise anxiety in you, or make you feel upset, or do you just want to avoid the answer? The powerful mother-daughter bond is a hotbed for all kinds of emotions. And it doesn’t much matter what age we are, or if our mother is alive or deceased. When emotions run positive, the mother-daughter bond is like no other. But when negative emotions rear their ugly heads, poor reactions and coping lead to depression, anxiety, anger and a host of bad feelings.

So how do we handle the strong negative emotions we sometimes feel towards our moms? For example, have you ever visited the home you grew up in and felt like you were ten years old again. That happens when you don’t have a strong sense of who you are apart from your mother. The way we listen without becoming defensive is to first figure out what we think and feel. When we have a handle on our own ideas,  it si easier to listen to her thoughts without becoming angry or deeply hurt.

So when your mom says something that upsets you, take a deep breath and think about what she is saying. Is there any truth to it? If so, listen and take it to heart. If not, don’t lash out just because you feel wounded. Instead, tell her how the hurtful remark made you feel and ask her to be more careful with her words. Here’s an example, “Mom I felt hurt when you criticized my outfit.” If she continues, repeat your statement and ask her to stop. If she still continues, excuse yourself from the conversation. This is called setting appropriate limits.

The important point is to practice staying calm by knowing what you think and believe apart from your mother. Yes, her opinion matters, but it doesn’t have to run your life or your emotions.

How To Get Out of a Relationship Triangle

posted by Linda Mintle

 

Reader Question: I am in the middle of a big argument with my mom and sister. The issue is between me and my mom but my sister sides with mom and the two of them gang up on me. I am always the outsider. We haven’t talked for 6 months and now my mom wants to bury the hatchet and talk to me again. Nothing ever gets resolved or talked about and I am tired of this. I’m sure something else will come up and she and my sister will gang up on me again. How do I change this?  No one ever says they are sorry but me. 

The question is about a mother, daughter, sister problem, but the principle of getting out of the middle applies to all relationships.

A. You are in something called a relationship triangle. Triangles involve 3 people. When two people have difficulty communicating or dealing with conflict with each other, a third person is brought in to deflect the difficulty. Your sister is that person for your mom. Instead of dealing directly with you, she gets your sister to side with her and justify her position. This is an unhealthy triangle because the two people who need to address the conflict, don’t.

In terms of forgiveness, Christ told us to forgive 70 times 70–in another words, to keep on forgiving. So choose to forgive your mom and sister. But in the future, you need to respond differently. Make sure that you ONLY communicate with the person involved in a conflict. When your mom pulls in your sister, refuse to deal with her and say, “This is between you and me. I’d like to solve this. When you are ready to talk to me and not my sister about this, I am ready.”

You break up triangles by  dealing directly with the person involved in the conflict. This often create tension because people don’t like changing familiar patterns even when those patterns are dysfunctional.

Finally, you can’t control what other people do. If your mom and sister gang up on you, you confront it and they stop talking to you, that’s their choice.

But leave the door open for their re-entry. Repeat your position to only deal with the person involved, not the third party.

VOTE TODAY

posted by Linda Mintle

 GET OUT THERE AND VOTE TODAY!

It’s important! No excuses! Just do it!

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