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A Reason to Smile

A Reason to Smile

Q&A: “Is it ever possible to love two people at the same time….”

posted by B. Dave Walters

Is it possible? Yes. Is it advisable? *NO*

Question submitted via Formspring
“Is it ever possible to love two people at the same time ?”

This is a debate that has raged for many years, and will almost certainly keep raging.

The answer is simple, but the implications are complex.
Yes, it is absolutely possible to love two people at the same time.

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Here in Los Angeles, people often switch relationships like they switch shoes, and you can find most every variation of love and relationships you can think of going on!

It may be romantic to think of finding that one person who forever clouds your ability to see anything worth loving in another person, but it just isn’t the case. This speaks to the somewhat murkier idea of ’emotional cheating'; that even if you aren’t being physical with another person, just wanting to is a form of infidelity.

This idea that he or she HAS to love only me is born out of insecurity more than anything else; that if s/he sees something of value in someone else, then they are going to leave me.

Honestly, why wouldn’t it be possible to love two people at the same time?
Love is not a fixed quantity, otherwise you wouldn’t have room for parents, siblings, or children of your own in your heart. And there are many different types of love you can experience for many different types of people.

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So could you find two different people that elicit deep romantic love? Absolutely.

BUT

This is not a free pass to cheat! The benchmark of ‘cheating’ then, is taking time, energy, attention, and affection from your significant other and giving it to someone else. If you are up all night chatting romantically with someone online while your mate is sleeping alone, then yes you are cheating. If you are sneaking out at all hours to see someone else, then yes you are ABSOLUTELY cheating!

Remember, if you feel the need to hide something, it is *probably * wrong!

If you commit to someone, then stay committed to them. And if you can’t be with that one person, then break up; or at least agree to see other people until you decide to settle with one or the other (if ever). Realistically, the time will come when you’ll be forced to choose between them; so unless you become polygamists, you won’t be able to keep juggling forever!

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The deeper issue is, do you *really * love two people, or are you confused, and possibly afraid of committing to one person, because of all the other things you might miss?

There is also the concept of the 80/20 rule to consider; the idea that you don’t want to miss the person who has the majority of what you need, to chase the person who has just a few (but probably really FUN!) things the other person is missing.

In the end, true trust and deep intimacy is most easily built within the confines of a loving, monogamous relationship with two people who share absolutely everything with each other. Not to mention, it gets tiring having to keep track of two lives; what you did with whom, which movie you saw with whom, and that is assuming you are being totally honest about dating two people! If you are trying to hide it (a mistake), then it will only be ten times harder to function. You’ll just keep feeling more and more guilt that will prevent you from truly enjoying either person, and if you aren’t enjoying it, what’s the point?

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My suggestion would be totally honest and keep seeing them both until you are either clear on what you want, or circumstances force you to choose. And remember, at any time one of them may get tired of being ‘the other wo/man’.
Keep us posted on how it turns out.

What do you think?  Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!

And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters

Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything:
http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

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Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha  — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another —  A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

    

 

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Q&A: Are plants and animals under the Law of Attraction, or is it exclusively human?

posted by B. Dave Walters

The Law is for All!

Question submitted via Formspring:

“Are plants and animals under the Law of Attraction, or is it exclusively human?”

On a recent episode of my radio show, Rise UP with B. Dave Walters, we talked about getting over Daddy Issues, dealing with REJECTION, how to change *anything* instantly, and many other things.  In the Q&A section of the show, this was one of the questions we talked about, but I’d like to say a bit more about it now.

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We have talked about the Law of Attraction many times on my radio shows and in my videos, but there is always more to say about it!

The simple answer is: yes, plants and animals are absolutely under the Law of Attraction.  In fact, they aren’t just bound by that, but by all 7 Universal Laws.

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The thing that sets Human Beings apart from plants and animals is that we have free will.  That means we can choose to be what we want to be, plants and animals cannot.

A squirrel has no choice in the matter, she is a squirrel.

The advantage she has, however, Is she lives her life totally in alignment with who and what she is.  She primarily has three goals: to find food, to have babies, and to not let she or her babies become food for something else.

That’s it, that’s the menu!

So since 100% of the squirrel’s energies are dedicated to this short list of things, she is pretty successful at it for her entire life.

Remember when I said we can choose to be what we want to be, plants and animals cannot?  Unfortunately most of us use that power to not be much at all!   Having infinite choice means most of us choose to do nothing, and that is the absolute worst choice you can make.

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The number one thing you can learn from plants and animals is how to live in alignment with themselves and their world; that means you can pick what you want to create and go after it.

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back– Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.”

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-Goethe.  (Well, probably Goethe)

You are great, and I love you!

And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters

Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything:
http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha  — Interfaith dialog

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Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another —  A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

    

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Q&A: “So is Mass Media negativity a good thing or a bad thing?” (VIDEO)

posted by B. Dave Walters

Information is good, propaganda is not.

Question submitted via Formspring:

“Seeing a horrible event on the news can make people really sad, but it can also inspire other people to take action. So is mass media diffusion of horrifying and unjust realities more of a good thing or a bad thing?”

On a recent episode of my radio show, Rise UP with B. Dave Walters, we talked about getting over Daddy Issues, dealing with REJECTION, how to change *anything* instantly, and many other things.  In the Q&A section of the show, this was one of the questions we talked about, but I’d like to say a bit more about it now.

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We have talked about the media a few times on my radio shows and in my videos, so first let me ask: have you ever heard the saying ‘if it bleeds, it leads’?
Let me give you an example:  if you are walking by the news stand, and you see the paper says “sunny and warm this weekend,” you’ll probably keep on walking.  But, if it says “terrible weather ahead,” you’ll stop and buy it.   The reason why that is, is that things that scare us get more attention than things that make us feel good; it’s a sad reality that people tend to pay more attention to bad news than good news.

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Again, think about how easy it is to dismiss someone telling you that you look nice, versus someone telling you your butt looks too big!

Add to that, the media is no longer concerned with accurately and impartially reporting the facts; they are concerned with selling advertising.  That means they slant their stories to be attractive to the type of person they want to watch in order to sell advertizing to that particular group and demographic.  So don’t feel bad if the news scares you; it is designed to scare you!

So understanding that is why the media ‘diffuses such horrifying and unjust realities,’ is that good or bad?
The reality is, it’s neither good nor bad; it just is.

Don’t be fooled into thinking the world is such a terrible place, in many very important ways life is actually getting better:
Consider some of the report’s figures on what has happened just in the last 25 years:

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• The average life expectancy worldwide rose from 64 years in the mid-1980s to 68 years today.

• Infant mortality worldwide has fallen from nearly 70 deaths per 100,000 people to 40 deaths today.

• Poverty, defined by the percentage of people living on less than $1.25 a day, fell from 43 percent of the world population in the mid-1980s to 23 percent today.

• The percentage of the world population with access to water rose from 75 percent to more than 86 percent.

• Secondary school enrollment rose from 45 percent in the mid-1980s to nearly 70 percent today.

• The number of major armed conflicts declined from 37 in the mid-1980s to 26 today.

The bottom line is this: like James Arthur Ray said in The Secret, you need to be informed, but you don’t have to be inundated.  Pick a few news outlets that you trust, and recognize that every ‘crisis’ they report is probably not so bad; they over exaggerate because there is a lot of money in scaring the hell out of you.

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If you are the type of person that can see the suffering of others, and it drives you into depression, then focus on those news outlets (mostly online) that focus on positive, happy stories.  If you are the type that seeing people in need spurs you into action, then focus on those type of outlets that focus on how to solve problems, rather than trying to convince you the world is ending…those are also mostly online.

I can tell you this for sure, though: there is a LOT you can do to help your fellow human beings right now from where you are.  Your money goes a LONG way to help people all over the world, as long as you are spending it in the right way:

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You are great, and I love you!

And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters

Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything:
http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha  — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

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Love One Another —  A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Buddha vs Tony Robbins; Or, finding the middle way

posted by B. Dave Walters

That's the whole Universe mapped out on the Tree of Life

(Unedited) question submitted via Facebook:
“Hey Dave,
one thing I would like to add to the question of how it is possible for some people like Tony Robbins to be so emotional and energized most of the time:
There are two controversial opinions on that issue.
One opinion is that one should always try his best, be at peak states and live with passion and great emotions.
The other is that emotions do harm to the person and that one should be a peaceful person, trying to breath slowly, meditate a lot and avoid stress.
I have the impression that religions like Buddhism are favoring the second option and modern coaches, great leaders and so on prefer the first one.

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Is there a right or wrong, is my impression false, is the middle way the best?. What do you think?
I mean you might be similarly busy, so what is the secret for this unbelievable endurance, or do you have bad days, too??”

In EXTREMELY broad strokes, coaches like Robbins teach that you embrace life, and embrace the world; that everyone is already perfect, and there is nothing wrong with you. That means your emotions are a navigational system that you can use to attract what you want into your life.

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Buddhism, on the other hand, teaches that this world is an illusion, and being too attached to things can only cause you pain. A common misconception is that Buddhism teaches the world is ‘bad’, but that isn’t true; a better way of saying it, is that this world is one big distraction.

So, which one is right?

The question of which one is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ isn’t the question, so much as which one can you apply and live by?

Human beings are emotional creatures, and while you can learn in a few weeks how to focus on your positive emotions, it may take decades of meditation to gain total control over ALL your emotions.

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In the Kabbalah the far left hand path is called the Pillar of Severity, and the far right hand path is the Pillar of Mercy. The path up the middle is the ‘Middle Path’ and is the fastest, but most difficult.

As in most things, the middle path is probably the best one, but it’s not easy to realize be able to dedicate yourself with 100% passion to your goals in one instant, and be willing to let go of them completely in the next; but that’s what the spiritual path is all about!

As for me, I certainly have my own ups and downs; but instead of moving between 2 and 6 on a scale of 10 like most people, I tend to move between an 8 and a 12!
The reason why this is, is I choose to perceive the world as being on my side, and God being everywhere and watching over me.
So, if my goals don’t manifest in the time table I’d like, I realize it just means something better is happening. Even if something ‘bad’ happens, like a flat tire for instance, I choose to perceive it as helping me somehow (like maybe helping me avoid an accident I’d have been in further down the road).

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Can I prove it?
Of course not, but I walk around happy all the time and you can’t argue with results!

You are great, and I love you!

And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters

Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything:
http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha  — Interfaith dialog

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Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another —  A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

       

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You’re perfect but incomplete; Or, made in God’s Image (VIDEO)

posted by B. Dave Walters

Perfect, but Incomplete Credit: Photo Courtesy of Babycenter.com

All men’s souls are immortal, but the souls of the righteous are immortal and divine. -Socrates

I’m going to do things a little differently today; I made a short video explaining things in more detail on Facebook. Give it a watch or a listen and let me know what you think.

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But, since some of you might not be willing or able to listen just now, I am going to write out some of what I covered in the video.

A lot of my articles and coaching  center around the idea of change; changing yourself, changing your life, changing your circumstances. And yet, I frequently make the statement that you’re already perfect, just the way you are.

People ask me all the time how it is you can be perfect, and yet need to change, so that’s why I’ve written this article.

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The simple answer is, you don’t NEED to change, but you may want to for reasons I’m going to explain in a minute.

As I mentioned before  Wallace Wattles’ book “The Science Of Getting Rich” was one of Rhonda Byrne’s primary inspirations for The Secret. Mr. Wattles wrote a second book entitled “The Science Of Being Great” which was where I first encountered the idea of being perfect, but incomplete.

The best example of something that is perfect, but incomplete is a baby.
A baby can’t particularly DO anything but lay there and cry, and yet anyone will tell you (especially parents) that there is no more perfect thing in all the world.

So when I say you’re perfect, right now as you are, what I’m really saying is you are exactly who you had to be to get to where you are. You’re just tall enough or short enough, rich enough or poor enough, educated or experienced enough to have all you need to have the life you’ve got.

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The thing is, what got you here won’t get you anywhere BUT here; so if you want more out of life you have to make some changes.

I don’t particularly believe we have a set Fate or Destiny as it were, but I do believe God has certain things that God would like to see happen. There are certain lessons we come here to learn, and things we come here to do, but I don’t believe the Divine forces us into anything, only gives us a little push.

You know what it is you are supposed to do: it’s that little voice that is always there, telling you should become a singer, or actor, or go back to school, anything. And a hundred louder voices pop up to say why it’s dumb, or impossible for you to do, but that little voice won’t go away.

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That voice is your purpose, your primary lesson in life.

You have everything you need within you to accomplish this goal, all the intelligence, power, and fortitude necessary if you will commit yourself to going after it.

So get after it!

Check out the video when you can, and let me know if there is anything I can do to help you on your way.

You are great, and I love you!

And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters

Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything:
http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

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Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha  — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another —  A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

       

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The myth of ‘Forever'; Or, tainted love (Video)

posted by B. Dave Walters

In my relationship coaching work, I often work with clients with one of two problems: an inability to start a new relationship because they are afraid it won’t work, or an inability to leave a relationship that ISN’T working because they are afraid they can’t do better.

These may seem like two different things, but in reality they are the same: fear. Not just any fear, but a fear of being rejected, or being alone; which is just one more version of “I’m not good enough”.

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Allow me, then, to help you to put both of these fears to rest, with a very simple idea: give up thinking in terms of ‘forever’.

There is only one question you need to ask yourself: is it working right NOW, or is it not? Since in the end, all you ever have is right now; your relationship is working right NOW, or it isn’t. A lifetime of happiness is built out of countless happy ‘nows’, nothing else.

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If you are in a situation that is working, please, please, PLEASE don’t get hung up on ‘being afraid to be in a relationship’ because it might not work out.
Because you know what? It might not work out.
And, if it doesn’t work out, you’ll learn how to get over it and move on.
A better question is, what if it DOES work? What if this person is the One you’ve been looking for all along; are you willing to let your own fear and insecurity block your happiness?

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The other end of the spectrum, and the topic of the videos here, are those of you who are hanging on relationships LONG after you know you should leave. Too many people are caught in unfulfilling, toxic, and abusive relationships because they are afraid of being alone.

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To which I say, what’s wrong with being alone? Once you truly love yourself and realize what you deserve, you’ll see that it is absolutely better to be alone than be with the wrong person. If you just HAVE to be in a relationship, then finding another person who’ll neglect, take advantage of, hurt and ultimately betray you are *not * hard to come by; so why keep holding on to this one?

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Remember, the only thing that matters is: is it working right now?
NOT did it use to work, NOT ‘can I do better’ (since you can); is it working or is it not? And if it’s not working, can it be fixed?
If it can be fixed, set about working together to fix it; if it can’t be fixed, set about working together to dissolve things like friends and go in your own different directions with your heads held high.

It happens; relationships end.
Worrying about that, or fighting that reality is just a reality for one long, sad, unfulfilled life.

You deserve better…but you have to realize that before anyone else will.

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!

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And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters

Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything:
http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha  — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

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Love One Another —  A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

       

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“Why can’t I let him go;” Or, Tainted Love II

posted by B. Dave Walters

Sometimes the pain is part of the healing

Question submitted via Formspring:
“I was watching your video clip ‘Tainted love’ & EVERYTHING you were speaking of is me.
I am in a relationship with a man who cheats, lies & really is a hypocrite. But still I stay.
I recently figured out that ‘love’ is not enough. I totally agree with you.
I tried to tell him that his response was ‘love conquers all’ I disagree. I’ve even gotten to the point of telling him not to love me anymore but to just CARE about me & how his bull makes me feel.
My question to you is: I know he’s no good, I know I could never trust him, I know when I look at him & we are speaking to each other I’m questioning every sentence…why am I afraid to leave? Why do I feel bad for this ‘man’? Why do I feel if I let go I’m going to miss out on something? I honestly think I’m going crazy.”

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Well, there is good news, and there is bad news:
The good news is, you aren’t going crazy. The bad news is you are going sane in a crazy situation!
Let’s review:
1. You can never trust him (a problem)
2. When you talk, you are questioning everything (no communication == no relationship)
3. He is ‘no good’ and has shown no real interest in changing.

If you look at it from his perspective, why *should* he change? So far, he does whatever he wants and you accept it; so what’s his motivation to stop?

So, to answer your question as to why you are afraid to leave: the answer is simple, but it’s not easy.
The reason why you are afraid to leave is that *you don’t really believe you deserve better*.

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Something inside of you has chosen that you deserve to be treated this way, or at least don’t really deserve to be treated better.

Look back at your past relationships is this a pattern that has repeated? Choosing bad guys, and / or driving the ‘good’ guys away…maybe because they were “too nice”?

Maybe when you were growing up your dad, or another important male in your life treated you or even your mother this way-or wasn’t around at all-and you learned at an early age that this sort of neglect and disrespect is what ‘love’ looked like, and you’ve been playing it out ever since.

Unfortunately, even though being able to see this pattern means you can change it, it doesn’t mean it is going to be easy. In fact, it’s probably going to be hard as hell!
You have a lifetime’s worth of living into this self-image, and it will take time to start to truly love yourself and realize you don’t have to put up with this sort of treatment.

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At some point, you’ll have to decide enough is enough and leave. You’ll be sad, but don’t go back; you’ll miss him, but don’t go back; he’ll beg and possibly even change a little bit for a little while; but DON’T GO BACK.

Remember, words lie but actions tell the truth. It doesn’t matter what he says, he clearly doesn’t believe you deserve better…do you?

Every moment of love and attention you are giving to him is love and attention you are taking away from yourself.

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!

And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters

Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

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Ask me anything:
http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha  — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another —  A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

       

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Getting over it; or, finding unconditional love (VIDEO)

posted by B. Dave Walters

You have to give to get

“We are not held back by the love we didn’t receive in the past, but by the love we’re not extending in the present.”
-Marianne Williamson

Because of my writing, inviting people to ask me anything, and presence on Facebook, I have the honor and privilege of meeting people from all over the world.   And no matter where they come from, I have found one thing that absolutely everyone has in common:

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Everyone is dealing with something

Everyone has some situation they are faced with that they are unhappy with, or something they’d like to change about themselves, or their lives.   Very few people are completely content with who they are and what they have.

So where does this dissatisfaction come from?

We talked before about how the root of all dissatisfaction is attachment; we aren’t upset about how things are, we are upset that they aren’t how we wish they were.

And what does this have to do with finding unconditional love?  Only everything.
I’m going to let you in on three secrets; things that can be painful to hear, but once you understand them will literally change your life forever.

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Love cannot exist without forgiveness.
We have talked MANY times about how to trust, and how to forgive, but it’s really impossible to overstate how important this is. In my
Coaching work, one of the first things I do is help them figure out the source of their problem(s), which 99.9% of the time is rooted in a lack of forgiveness. Someone, somewhere, hurt them and they have been carrying a grudge (often unconsciously), ever since.

 

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You can’t forgive anyone, or let anyone forgive you any more than you’ve forgiven yourself.
Recently I was talking to a Client who lost a loved one suddenly and quite unexpectedly. At first it seemed like the normal grieving process, until it started to take a very self-destructive downward spiral. In the process of working through things, we uncovered that they were mad at the person who’d died for leaving; but in response to that, they were punishing *themselves* for it. It may seem like you were the helpless victim of what someone else did or didn’t do; but often times we still blame ourselves for letting it happen.

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Only when you’ve given up your anger, can you truly love unconditionally.
You can’t love anyone, or let anyone love you more than you love yourself. Until you’ve forgiven the person that hurt you for what they’ve done (or haven’t done), can you create the space to love ANYONE unconditionally. If you look at the relationships around you, you may see that many people’s love is highly conditional.

Don’t believe me?

How many relationships have you seen break up because one person did something the other person didn’t approve of?  How many family relationships were destroyed when a child made career, religious, or lifestyle choices that a parent didn’t approve of?  How many friendships have fallen apart over a misunderstood text message or Twitter post?

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Now, to be clear: this doesn’t mean unconditional love means you have to become a doormat, far from it.  What it does mean is you are secure enough in yourself that you aren’t so afraid of being hurt that you run or drive people away the first time they disappoint you.  It means that you learn how to let people be themselves, rather than judging them for not being who you want them to be. 

So I’ll let you in on one last secret: the key to finding unconditional love is to GIVE unconditional love.
The sad reality is if I’d put that as the title, very few people would have read this!  So many people are attached to being ‘right’, that they want everyone to bow down and apologize for all the things they’ve done and beg for forgiveness.

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But, quite the opposite is true; the process of ‘finding’ unconditional love is actually the process of giving unconditional love, and then allowing it to come back to you.  So much of what we do is meant to be a defense mechanism to keep us from getting hurt, but those walls don’t really do anything but seal us off from the world.

But now you can see it, and that means you can control it.
And you know what else?

You are GREAT, and I love you (unconditionally!)

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!

And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters

Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

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Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything:
http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha  — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another —  A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

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New Year, New You 2012; Or, The guaranteed simple way to keep those resolutions

posted by B. Dave Walters

New Year, New You!

“It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.”
-Confucius

If you are like most people, you have a shopping list of changes you want to make this coming year.
Add to that the possibility that 2012 might be our last year on Earth, and things start to get serious!

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So we’ve already talked about how you can change in an instant so I want to add a few ways you can make SURE those resolutions probably happen.

Keep the list SHORT.
Pick no more than 3 things to work on, but honestly 1 is even better.
If it’s something that you’ve meant to do before and never did (like stop smoking or lose weight), I actually suggest *not* picking that one, we’ll discuss why in a moment.

Once you have figured out your one to three goals, cut your goal in half. 
What this mean is, if you mean to lose 25 pounds, make a goal to lose 12. If you want to stop smoking 3 packs a day, try to get down to smoking a pack a day. If you want to start saving money, start putting aside $20 out of each pay check. One important thing, though: whatever you decide to do physically write it down…there is power in taking this simple step.

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Figure out sensible, painless steps you can start taking NOW. 
For reasons we’ve talked about before, will power is not enough to make changes; over time your will power will fail 100% of the time. If you mean to just grit your teeth and FORCE yourself to do (or not do) things, you’ll have some short term success, but in the long term you’ll slip right back to where you are. So if your goal is to lose weight, rather than saying you can never eat at McDonalds again, just eat a single hamburger instead of a triple cheeseburger with bacon. Get a small fries instead of extra large; drink diet coke instead of regular coke.

Give yourself a cheat day, or cheat meal.
Like I said, will power is NOT enough, so give yourself a backup plan: allow yourself one day (or at least one meal) where you can have ANYTHING you want. If you want to eat a gallon of ice cream, or a whole pizza, fine. If you want to smoke an entire pack of cigarettes in one sitting, that’s fine, too.

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And finally, and MOST IMPORTANTLY:
Realize you’re already perfect right now, today.
You don’t HAVE to lose weight, you don’t HAVE to stop smoking, and you don’t HAVE to start saving money. These are things you CHOOSE to do, because you want to improve your life. You are moving towards something positive, rather than running from something negative.

Sound simple enough, right?
So now let me explain to you why this will work: it sets you up to win.

The reason why you’ve had problems keeping resolutions in the past, is you had this shopping list of huge things that deep down inside you didn’t really believe you could do. Actually DEEP down inside you may not have even wanted to do them; you just felt you ‘should’.

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By keeping the list short, you give yourself a much tighter focus on to make change; and it allows you the regular comforts you enjoy while giving up some things that aren’t serving you anymore.

By figuring out painless steps you can take NOW, you start to see positive results immediately. It lets you start racking up little wins that you can feel good about every single day. Think about it: if you tell yourself you can’t have cake ever again, and slip up and eat a piece it’s easy to just give up and quit. But if you allow yourself cake, but only eat a tiny piece you can celebrate your win and self control.
You literally get to have your cake and eat it, too!

The cheat day is there to give yourself a way out; if you truly feel like you just HAVE to eat that fried twinkie, then really you only have to wait until Saturday to have it, instead of saying you can’t have it EVER. So in the moment, your will power holds AND you keep the agreement you made with yourself. Here is the great part, though: by your cheat day you probably won’t even want that thing anymore.

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Now for the questions you may have:
You have probably heard it said that the ‘difference between a dream and a goal is a deadline’, and yet I didn’t mention anything about setting a deadline, why?
Because you haven’t formed the habit of succeeding at goals, you have formed the habit of failing at your goals. If you set a strict time line and don’t reach it, or even feel behind, it will just cause you to put more pressure on yourself that won’t help anyway. If you do the steps listed above, you WILL see positive change, and your goals WILL manifest.

So, when can you do the other half of your goals, or do the other things on your list?
Honestly, the momentum will take you there. If you grow accustomed to diet cokes and small fries, then start phasing out the cokes and fries completely. Instead of eating a whole chicken on your cheat day, you’ll find yourself wanting grilled chicken and asparagus instead as your ‘indulgence’. Once you see how easy it is to save a little, you can start looking for other ways to trim your life and save more money.

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This plan works with your natural way of thinking to let your tastes and habits change smoothly, and you’ll be making progress with little or no discomfort.
Make no mistake, this strategy is 100% effective, but only if you do your part.

If you make the list and put it in a drawer, and don’t look at it till next December nothing is going to happen. In my Coaching work I see the #1 problem run into in achieving their goals is not REALLY believing they can do it. So if you are worried about not accomplishing your goal, cut it in half again. Start as small as you need to in order to get started, and the rest will take care of itself.

I’ll see you next year!

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

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You are great, and I love you!

And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters

Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything:
http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha  — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

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Love One Another —  A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

       

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Staying out of the prison of fear, Or, who are you really?

posted by B. Dave Walters

You can't fly if you run and hide!

“Courage is the resistance of fear, the mastery of fear, but not the absence of fear” -Mark Twain

If you’re read my other article, Breaking the prison of Fear, you may recall it ends like this:

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I want to leave you with an unusual question: who are You?

What went through your mind when you read that, was it your name? If so, that’s not who You are: it’s what you’re called.
Maybe it was your job? But that’s not You either, it’s what you do.
Your Religion? Again, not You…it’s what you believe.
You’re not your race, gender, Nationality, none of those.

So who are You?
Once you figure that out, you’ll never be worried or afraid of anything ever again. If you know, email it to me or put it in the comments down below. And this isn’t some sort of riddle, there is a definite answer. I’ll leave you with a hint: figure out who you’re * not *, and that will point you towards the answer.

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So now, many months later, I want to give you the answer. I want to say some other things first, to give you some time to ponder it. And please, DON’T go read the answer until you have *really * thought about it, it’s important !

I covered many aspects of fear in the previous article and in the video on fear; so as always I want to flesh out a few things and cover some ideas that didn’t show up in either place.

In talking to people on Facebook  and in my Coaching  I hear again and again how they wish they could do this, or that, but are afraid to. How they don’t want to get their hopes up. Or, many times lately, guys or girls being afraid to commit.
So for reasons I’ve already talked about in the video below, fear can only exist in the future. You can NEVER be afraid of something that is happening or has happened only something that hasn’t happened yet.

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It’s interesting walking the streets of Los Angeles; on a certain level it’s exhilarating since pretty much everyone came here in pursuit of their dreams, and there is an electric enthusiasm you can feel in many places.
And I believe that even though some people become more than a little jaded trying to make it in Hollywood, there is a certain sense of gratification that comes with knowing you faced your fears and went all out in pursuit of your dream.

So, my question is then: what is stopping you? What are you afraid of?

I’m serious, stop for a second.
Think about any major decision you’ve been putting off, why haven’t you done it?

If you boil it down, it is almost certainly fear. More often then not, a fear of failure.
So let’s look a little closer at that: why are you afraid to fail?
The average millionaire has gone bankrupt 3.2 times.
Michael Jordan missed over 9,000 shots, lost over 300 games and missed 26 game winning shots.
And yet, we don’t call him the greatest player of all time in spite of this, we call him the greatest BECAUSE of this!

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What you have to do is reframe the idea of failure. Many times we have built it up to fuel that age old limiting belief “I’m not good enough”. And even worse, “if I’m not good enough, then no one will love me.”

But it’s not that at all!
There is NO failure, only feedback.
The only thing trying something and having it not succeed means is you found another way not to do it. I’m sure you’ve heard that Thomas Edison failed 99 times to make a light bulb. When a reporter asked him how he dealt with that failure, Edison said “I didn’t fail to create the light bulb 99 times; I found 99 ways NOT to create a light bulb!”

Now that’s a funny story, and who’s to say if it even happened! But the point is, you have to build up your courage to step out and take risks. Because, no matter what you might miss half the shots you take in life, but you’ll miss 100% of the shots you *don’t * take.

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So let me ask you again: what are you afraid of?

And more specifically, what if it happens?
What if you try and everything you fear comes to pass, then what?

Now ask, what if the opposite is true: what if everything works out GREAT? What if your goal manifests easier, faster, and better than you ever imagined, then how would you feel?

And is the chance of it not working, worth the possible benefits of success?

That’s your test. Answer that question, and you’ll know what move to make. But do let me say this: if you decide to try, to really stand up and get in motion in pursuit of your goals and for some reason you decide to give up? Your old dissatisfying life will always be there waiting for you.

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So…get after it!
Resolve now to go after your mission and purpose in life and never look back! And if you haven’t figure out your mission just yet, that is fine; just pick the best goal you can think of and do that for now. And if you still aren’t sure how to get started, contact me at one of the links below and I’ll help you get rolling.

Ah, I almost forgot!

Who are you, then?
There are two answers; the first is: you ARE. You, the real inner YOU; the child of God is beyond all labels and descriptions; you are perfect and eternal. You always have existed and always will exist; you are indestructible and invincible, so you never need to worry about or fear ANYTHING.

The second answer is, then: you are who you choose to be.
Up until now you’ve taken on all these labels; your name, your gender, your culture and social role, your job, your hobbies, your religion. And some of those labels might still fit, and some of them might not.

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I invite you now, to choose.
To take the best parts of who and what you are and to discard the useless parts of the past. To rise up in power, and define yourself in new and better ways. You are a miracle, and you are perfect .
You have all the power of the universe coursing through you, and all the power of Heaven and Earth backing you up. And you have one 6’9” / 2.05 meter guy cheering you on, too!

You’re a champion! Go build a life that reflects on the outside all the power and wonder that you have inside of you.

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!

And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

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B. Dave Walters

Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything:
http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha  — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Advertisement

Love One Another —  A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

       

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