Beliefnet
A Reason to Smile

Men and women often really do speak two different languages!

Question submitted viaFormspring
“I am in love with a person. He too loves me. But he doesn’t express it the way I want. How do I make him do that?”

Well, there are at least three competing things going on here.
The first thing is, you have to understand men and how we work.
Then you have to ask if you have different personality types with different communication styles.

And then finally:
What are your expectations, and are they reasonable? You say he loves you, but ‘doesn’t express it in the way that you want’; how does he express it?
For instance, does he do nice things for you, but maybe not talk as sweetly as you’d like? Or is it the opposite, where he gives you honey words, but doesn’t take out the garbage? And more importantly, have you communicated to him that while you know he cares, you wish he would do -blank- thing for you more often? If you don’t tell him what you want, how can he know he isn’t doing it?

As for how to ‘make’ him do what you want him to do, you can’t.
You can’t MAKE anyone do anything, at least not in the long term; but you can encourage him to choose to do what you want.
Quite frankly, use bait.
If there is something you know he likes, when he does something that makes you happy: give it to him! If there is a certain part of your body he likes, wear (or don’t wear) things that accentuate it. If he has a favorite meal, cook it. Show him that when he lives up to your expectations, you’ll live up to his.

Remember, you always catch more flies with honey; and you CAN NOT nag, guilt, complain, or bully him into doing what you want.
Let him know that you understand that he cares, but that you wish he’d express it in a different way. Explain how you’d like it done, and reward him when he does. And if all else fails, have him see my article and video on Women and what you need to be happy!

Keep us posted on how it turns out.

What do you think ? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!

And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters

Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything:
http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha  — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another —  A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

    

So easy, a baby can do it! =)

To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one’s family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one’s own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him.
Buddha

If you are like most people, it probably seems like life is getting harder and harder. Faster and faster paced, more to do with less time; like the days, weeks, months and even years are just flying by.

What if there was a way to get more out of life, to experience more peace,more happiness, and to give up stress once and for all?

Well there is good news, and there is better news: the solution exists, and has existed for around 4,000 years. The better news is, you are going to learn it here today.

Clearly, you can tell from the title that the solution is meditation!
Before we go on, let us be clear on what meditation is, and what it isn’t.
Meditation is getting your mind under your own conscious control. To have it be calm and reined in like a horse, rather than running around wild like a monkey.

And more than that, meditation has been a proven antidote to stress, so learning effective meditation techniques can not only make you feel calmer and happier, it can literally save your life!

In the video below, you’ll learn:
What meditation is, why it’s important,and how to do it. An explanation and demo of the major types of meditation, and a *guided meditation* that will allow you to instantly relax whenever you like.

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As we talked about before your mind is like a super computer with no instruction manual; and everything you say or do is going into programming that machine.

Meditation, then, allows you to tap into this machine, and begin to consciously program it to do what you want it to do, and STOP doing what you don’t want it it do!

There are hundreds if not thousands of types of meditation out there, what is quick and easy for one person, will be nearly impossible for someone else. It is impossible to explain them all in a single article, but a quick overview of some of the major types are as follows:
1.Zen Meditation
Zen meditation involves sitting still and clearing your mind. You can focus on your breathing, carefully observing it going in and out, and as thoughts come into your mind, just let them float by like leaves on the river.
Zen’s ultimate goal is total presence in the moment; being absolutely aware of where you are, and what you are doing. As such, chopping wood, cooking dinner, or martial arts can all be ‘Zen’ practices.

2.Mantra Meditation
Mantras are repeating (ideally) meaningful phrases in your mind over and over again, like “Om” or “Aum Mane Padme Hum”. Catholic rosaries also count as mantra meditation; the key is to occupy your conscious mind with a task, so the subconscious and super-conscious minds  can seep through into your awareness.

3. Guided Visualization
In the video below, I guide you through a short guided meditation to help you feel calm and peaceful. The Heart Space Meditation we shared previously is another form of guided visualization. This type of meditation can be especially helpful

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4.Yoga Meditation
There is much more to yoga then twisting your body into odd postures. In fact many forms of yoga are done while sitting or standing normally! The postures are a part of ‘Hatha Yoga’ which uses the positions called ‘asanas’ to occupy the body so that the mind can shine through…does this sound familiar?

5.Tai Chi, Aikido, and other forms of Moving Meditation
Think of it like Hatha Yoga in motion; except you get to throw people across the room, which is nice. Again, the same principle: the body is occupied so that the mind can come through.

This is just a very brief overview of just a few types of meditation.
If you are wondering which one of these is the ‘best’ one, the answer is simple: the one you actually take the time to practice!

Enjoy the brief (but powerful) meditation in the video!

What do you think ? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!

And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters

Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything:
http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha  — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another —  A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

    

Yeah, it's kind of like that =)

Condemnation without investigation is the height of ignorance”
-Albert Einstein.

We have talked about your three minds: the conscious, subconscious, and super-conscious times before, so let us dive even deeper into what your mind is capable of.

This article (and especially the video below) are primarily in response to two comments I receive quite often.
1.People asking if I am psychic, because of quickly and easily I understand people think and feel when I amCoaching them, and
2.People staying in hopeless relationships, or worse chasing people who aren’t interested, because “the psychic told me we will be together.

To answer the first question, while I am naturally intuitive, I have spent years learning how to consciously understand people and how they work. So even I don’t know how I know all the things I know about a person; it just comes to me! But beyond that, *everyone * is psychic; surely you’ve experienced thinking of someone and having them call, or knowing when a loved one was in trouble. Everyone has, we just tend to dismiss it as unimportant, when nothing could be further from the truth!

The second question is answered in depth in the video below, along with:
How to tell who has psychic abilities.
How much emphasis you should place on what a psychic tells you.
Different types of tools you can use to gain information.
And a *guided meditation* that will allow you to experience your own psychic abilities first hand!

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Now, to address the two types of people who reject this sort of thing out of hand: ultra skeptics and ultra religious types.
We have discussed previously how these two positions are actually very similar, but to answer the religious argument first:
That somehow tapping into our own innate abilities is somehow a ‘sin‘.
The direct response is: who gave us this brain? Who gave us these capabilities, if not our Creator; and if they are a gift from God then how can it be any sort of sin? That is like saying using our capacity for language and art is somehow a ‘sin’, too. More importantly, God has no interest in keeping us weak and ignorant; if you have a talent: use it, or lose it.

To the skeptic, pending how hard you are in your outlook, nothing you read here will change your mind. Then again, if you are that rigid, you probably haven’t read this far anyway!
This question has been answered at length in the video below, but in brief: E=Mc2 has proven that the entire Universe is made of energy, simply existing in different states and forms. All things are connected at all times; psychic phenomena just helps us tap into that Universal field of energy.

One thing these last few articles has had in common, is helping you align and connect with the flow of the Universe.
We mentioned in passing previously dreams,intuition, and coincidence, so let us look at coincidence more closely now.

In short: there is no such thing as coincidence.
Anything that may appear as a ‘coincidence’ is an example of the Universal Laws functioning unrecognized.
We are always attracting something, and the people around us are always attracting things, too.

Your goal, then, is to enter into partnership with the Universe, and begin to pay attention to the signs it’s sending you. Recall, there is a part of your brain that already knows everything, so as you start paying attention to things, this can come through clearer and clearer.

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Note, we are not talking about Apophenia, seeing patterns where none exist; we are talking about paying attention to what is going on around you. Your reticular activator already works to distinguish patterns out of the chaos of life, you can start using it to your advantage.

For instance, say you are trying to choose between three possible job offers, and one of them is with Empire Staffing Solutions. And you’re walking through the mall, and you see King Kong playing on a TV screen, and he’s up on the Empire State Building, and it strikes you as significant.

There’s your answer!
It’s not that King Kong playing is special, it would have been playing anyway; but your brain chose to show it to you as important, and *that * is special, understand?

The things around you are happening no matter what, but once you start paying attention to them, you’ll start to feel a greater sense of calm and connection with life. And if absolutely nothing else, paying attention will make you present; and being present is the highest form of meditation you can perform!

Go ahead and try the exercises in the video below, and if you want to come and visit in your mental wanderings, feel free!

What do you think ? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!

And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters

Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything:
http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha  — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another —  A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

    

He's got *nothing* on you!

All wrong-doing arises because of mind. If mind is transformed can wrong-doing remain?
Buddha

Imagine if you went outside tonight, and found a box sitting on your door step. And inside you found a small super computer, capable of showing you anything, answering any question, solving any problem.
But…there are no instructions, and you can’t figure out how to turn it on!

Believe it or not, this isn’t too far from the truth. Your brain is capable of incredible things; of processing and retaining far more information than the computer you are reading this article on.

In the video below, you’ll find:
The three parts of your mind, and how they function.
Why and how your mind has access to all the information in the Universe, and to God directly; how to create better inner-communication, and a *guided meditation* that will allow you to know the answer to any question!

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You may recall how we talked previously about the 7 Universal Laws:
The Law of Mind
The Law of Correspondence
The Law of Vibration (Law of Attraction)
The Law of Polarity
The Law of Rhythm
The Law of Gender
The Law of Cause and Effect.

The foundation of all of these, is the The Law of Mind, which means all of Creation is a effectively a thought, unfolding in the Mind of God.
It is because of this that the Law of Attraction can work at all; since we are tapping into our own power to co-create our lives, using the same power that God uses to create everything else.

Needless to say, these are very powerful tools…IF you take the time to master them!

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The same thing applies your self-image: you have to choose who and what you are, and who and what you are going to be, and what your life is going to be like.

No one can do this for you!

And once you know, focus your mind on that, and that alone.
Always focus only on what you want with positive expectation.
The super computer in between your ears remembers everything, literally EVERYTHING that you have ever seen, heard, thought, or experienced.

Pay attention to your own self talk; the way you talk to yourself inside. Does it sound like how you talk to someone you love, cherish, and believe in?
Or does it sound like harsh words you’d say to someone you don’t really even like, much less love?

You can not afford the luxury of a single negative thought, not one!
Imagine that you are being served your favorite meal at your favorite restaurant. And right before you bite into it, I walk over and put a single drop of sewer water on it. Just a drop! Would you still eat it?
Of course you wouldn’t!

While it’s true that you can’t help what pops into your mind from time to time, you do NOT have to focus on those negative thoughts; remember: just because it pops into your head, does NOT mean you have to believe it!
Every time you give in to negativity, you are dumping sewer water on your future. Remember that: negativity == sewer water on your dreams.

Keep that up; keep focusing on the positive, and on what you want, and your self image will start to change for the better; And as you change on the inside, the outside world will start to change, too.

Remember, your mind is ALWAYS working, and ALWAYS attracting *something * into your life. It’s up to you to program that super computer to bring beautiful, wonderful,happy  things into your life, and not the mixed bag of good and terrible you are probably creating now!

What do you think ? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!

And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters

Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything:
http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha  — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another —  A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

    

How to read minds in 1 easy lesson! =)

“Always be yourself, express yourself, have faith in yourself, do not go out and look for a successful personality and duplicate it.”
Bruce Lee

The cornerstone of my Life Coaching works is a science known as NLP: Neuro-Linguistic Programming.
NLP is a set of tools that allows you to understand people and their behavior, and more importantly how to enact change *quickly *.

One of the foundational principle of NLP is understanding the four personality types (or sensory modalities, in NLP talk): Visual, Auditory, Kinesthetic, and Auditory Digital.
Spiritually this is important, since our personality type affects how we process information and we perceive the world, and by extension how we see each other and our Creator.

In the video below, I give several important points, such as:
How to understand how people work, the 4 types of personalities and how they communicate; Why it is people don’t understand you, and how to talk so they can.

 

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As an aside, in the video I mention how I am in the process of writing a book on this topic, and I’m in the process of gathering information. If you wouldn’t mind answering a few questions, I’ll mention you in the book! Click here to find out more.

The video and note extensively cover how to know your type, but one other point; there is a saying in NLP: ‘the map is not the territory’. What that means is, this is a way of categorizing and understanding people, but it should not be viewed as absolutely true about absolutely everyone. There is still room for these character traits to manifest in different ways. Which is the very thing my new book is about!
The real power here, is not just in knowing your own type; since after all you already know what you are like! The secret is to understand your type and others people’s types as well, so that you can communicate and understand each other better.

In this article, I’d like to talk about something I’ve never spoken about before: eye accessing cues.

If you notice the picture that accompanies this article, you’ll see a chart with different faces on it. The way it works, is when we think about things, our eyes give away what it is we are thinking about!

The first step is to figure out what the other person’s ‘alignment’ is; if they are right handed, the chart listed above is probably accurate. Another good sign is if they wear their watch on their left hand, they are probably aligned ‘normally’. If they are left handed, it may or may not be reversed. What I suggest you do is start paying attention to their eyes when you are talking about things you know to be true or false. For instance, ask them about lunch yesterday and watch where their eyes go. Or ask them to imagine what a purple people eater would look like, and watch where their eyes go, as well.

Then, start asking questions and see if they are telling the truth or not!
For instance, if you say ‘where were you last night’ and their eyes go up and to the left, that is not a good sign since it means they are trying to make up an answer, rather than remember the truth!

Or if you ask ‘do you love me’ and their eyes go down and to the right, they are asking themselves the same question, rather than searching their feelings.

Now eye accessing cues alone are not evidence. But when combined with a knowledge of their communication style and overall behavior, it can give you a very keen insight into how to reach them best.

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Like if you know your girlfriend is a kinesthetic type (as per the note / video), and you ask her to tell you ‘why’ she does or doesn’t want something, and her eyes go down and to the left, she is thinking emotionally, and probably won’t be able to give you a ‘logical’ answer.

Or, if you ask your brother what he did with your car keys and his eyes go up and to the right, he is retracing his steps in his mind to try and ‘see’ what he did with them.

There are other ways to make use of this insight into how your brain works.
For instance, if you are trying to meditate, it’s a goo idea to look upwards slightly (even if you have your eyes closed); basically raise your eyes as high as you can comfortably, which automatically will put you into a light trance state and make meditation easier.

Or if you have to read something technical or that you really need to remember, place the book on the arm of a chair so you can look down and two your left at it.

Basically you can move your eyes consciously in the direction of the thing you are trying to do. If you need an idea, look up and to the right.
If you are trying to remember a song, look directly to your left.

Practice it by paying attention to where your own eyes go normally when you think, and then everyone else’s.

Before long, your friends will be asking if you’re a mind reader!

What do you think ? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!

And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters

Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything:
http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha  — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another —  A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

    

It’s all in your head just like everyone else!

“”The map is not the territory. … The only usefulness of a map depends on similarity of structure between the empirical world and the map…”” Alfred Korzybski

As I said before  what I do is help people make sense out of life: I help them figure out what they want out of life, and how to get it. One of the main tools I use is the science of Neuro-Linguistic Programming, or NLP for short. NLP is a way both understanding how and why people do what they do, and helping them to create change  quickly. Even though there are some fundamental principles, or “Presuppositions” of NLP, they are not set in stone. I want to introduce them to you now, and explain how you can start applying them to spiritual matters, as well as your life in general. I want to give credit to achievingexcellence.com  for this particular arrangement of the 13 Presuppositions of NLP.

They introduce them as follows: The thirteen presuppositions are the central principles central of NLP; they are its guiding philosophy, its ‘beliefs’. These principles are not claimed to be true or universal. You do not have to believe they are true. They are called presuppositions because you pre-suppose them to be true and then act as if they were. You then discover what happens. If you like the results then continue to act as if they are true. They form a set of ethical principles for life.

1. People respond to their experience, not to reality itself. I’m going to let you in on a secret: no one really knows what reality is. The computer screen you are looking at, isn’t a screen at all; but hundreds of millions of tiny packets of light arranged in a way that your brain recognizes a pattern. The chair you’re sitting in feels solid enough, but is actually made up of atoms that are in and of themselves, mostly empty space. Even our reactions are very rarely to what is in front of us, but to what has happened to us in the past. The point of this is, each of us has a “map” we have developed of what the world is, and how to navigate through it; but that map of reality is not reality itself. No one is ever responding to how things really are, only how they * perceive * things to be. This is why most people can’t see God all around them; they conceive of the Divine as a bearded man in the sky, not as the animating spark within and behind everything, surrounding us at all times.

2. Having a choice is better than not having a choice. What makes being in jail a punishment? Is it a lack of freedom? And what is freedom, other than the ability to make choices for yourself, rather than have them made for you. If you look at the areas of your life you are most unhappy with, those are probably the areas where you have the least amount of choice…or at least that’s what you believe. If you ever say anything like “I can’t help it” or “it’s just how I am”, those are areas where you’ve given up your power. When you feel resistance, or encounter resistance from others, look for ways to do things differently. This is the essence of change: doing things differently; that’s why it’s so hard! This is also why our Creator has given us Free Will; things are worth what you pay for them. If all we ever knew was a Divine connection, that connection would very quickly become meaningless.

3. People make the best choice they can at the time. For this one, I’d like to quote achievingexcellence.com directly: “A person always makes the best choice they can, given their map of the world. The choice may be self-defeating, bizarre or evil, but for them, it seems the best way forward. Give them a better choice in their map of the world and they will take it. Even better give them a superior map with more choices in it.” Spiritually, this is why people believe different things, and why it isn’t necessary to make people wrong in order to believe what you believe. There is often a strange disconnect, though, between what most people think their Creator wants them to do, and what they actually do. Even Atheists or people who don’t believe in a personal God tend to have a sense of morality that they themselves often fall short of. The question is, why? The answer is, for whatever reason, the immediate gratification of “missing the mark” outweighs the potential payoff of “righteousness”. Remember, as in point #2, you always have a choice to do what you know in your heart is right, or simply doing what is easier.

4. People work perfectly. As I said in my previous article, you’re perfect, right now, as you are. It is only if you are unhappy with how some aspect of your life is, that you need to change in order to get different results. Spiritually it is the same: wherever you are in your relationship with your Creator, is exactly where you’re supposed to be. If you want it to be different, then YOU must be different, first!

5. All actions have a purpose. Everything we do is done for a reason, even if we aren’t consciously aware of it. All human action can be boiled down to one of two goals: to gain pleasure, or avoid pain. That’s why you don’t always choose the “right” thing like we talked about in point #3. In your dealings with other people, rather than allow your emotions to rule your responses, try to look past the surface and figure out * why * it is they do or don’t do what they do. Once you understand the why, then you can start to find choices that will allow everyone to have their needs met and move forward together. Even your relationship, or lack of relationship, with the Divine is based on a purpose, what is it? Avoiding hell? The fact that you were raised to believe certain things? The decision to put empirical evidence over intuitive sense? Or maybe you are looking to God to help you find * your * purpose? I have to say, it’s a good place to start; but you already know  what it is you need to do….

6. Every behavior has a positive intention. Again, I will quote achievingexcellence.com directly: All our actions have at least one purpose – to achieve something that we value and benefits us. NLP separates the intention or purpose behind an action from the action itself. A person is not their behavior. When a person has a better choice of behavior that also achieves their positive intention, they will take it.

There isn’t anything innately “sinful” about Human Beings; people genuinely mean well. Even if that ‘meaning well’ is gaining their own personal pleasure at someone else’s expense. It’s my belief that we are wired to seek pleasure 1. as a motivation to procreate, and 2. to seek the bliss that only truly knowing God can bring. Of course, it’s up to you to decide the truth of things.

7. The unconscious mind balances the conscious; it is not malicious. Our unconscious mind is an unusual thing. In some ways, it is like a child who never forgets anything,and takes everything literally. And yet, it is through our subconscious that we are able to connect with our higher, Divine, or “super conscious” mind. When I talk about an inability to complete the past ,  it is because the brain is wired to seek out patterns and make sense of them. When confronted with something new, your brain tries to define it relative to something it has experienced in the past; and that is often a painful memory, since those tend to stick out in our minds.

The point is, even when your subconscious is replaying the same tragedies out for you again and again, it is actually trying to help you. The fear you feel, while totally baseless, is an attempt to protect you from getting hurt. What you have to do, is see it for what it is. Realize that yes, a given person might hurt you if you open up to them emotionally. But, they might * not *, either; and what do you stand to miss out on by letting fear dictate your actions? Remember: just because a thought is in your head, it doesn’t mean you have to believe it! Thank your subconscious for its input, but recognize it is up to You to actually make the choice.

8. The meaning of the communication is not simply what you intend, but also the response you get. I think poor communication is responsible for more suffering and failed relationships than anything else. If you are trying to communicate to someone who isn’t hearing you, try approaching it from another direction. Try to hear what you are saying from their point of view. Remember point #1: no one really hears another person anyway, but what they * think * the other person is trying to communicate; it’s up to you to find a way to bridge that gap. Have you ever wondered how it is people can do terrible things and claim God told them to do it? This is the reason: their own perceptions scramble the Divine communication; how much simpler can it get than “thou shall not kill”?

9. We already have all the resources we need, or we can create them. This is another aspect of your perfection: you already have everything you need, or the ability to create it. You have all the tools at your disposal to do whatever you want, it just may take some work. You already have everything inside of you to know your Creator, you just have to trust and open up to it.

10. Mind and body form a system. They are different expressions of the one person. And yet another direct quote: Mind and body interact and mutually influence each other. It is not possible to make a change in one without the other being affected. When we think differently, our bodies change. When we act differently we change our thoughts and feelings. This is why I said trying to choose between your heart and mind will never work; Human beings are a microcosm of the entire Universe. Our mind, body, and spirit are interrelated and interdependent; trying to isolate one can only be done at the expense of the other two. The key is to a peaceful, happy life is to develop and trust every aspect of yourself.

11. We process all information through our senses. Are you sensing a pattern here? Again, we are limited by our perceptions. We don’t see things as they are, only how we perceive them. This is why a purely empirical approach to life doesn’t work: even the fundamental basis of how we process the world is an illusion. The sky isn’t actually blue, plants aren’t actually green, matter isn’t actually solid; these are all artifacts of our perception. Work to see things as clearly as possible, but recognize that your “map”, and everyone else’s, are ultimately drawn from inaccurate information!

12. Modeling successful performance leads to excellence. One last time: a direct quote: If one person can do something it is possible to model it and teach it to others. In this way everyone can learn to get better results in their own way, you do not become a clone of the model – you learn from them. Pick someone who has what you want to have, or has done what you want to do; figure out how they did it, and do it yourself. Find someone who has the type of relationship with God that you want to have, and start doing what they do to have it. There is no reason to try and recreate the wheel.

13. If you want to understand – Act. Decide what you want to be, do, or have; make a plan, and get after it!

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me: http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything: http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another — A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

 

How early is too early?

Two questions submitted via Formspring:

“On my first date with a guy I’m seeing, i ended up making out with him at the club for a long time. I really like him, but I don’t want him to think that I’m really easy you know? Do I pull back the level of intimacy or keep it the same or what?”
And
“I’m interested in this girl and we’ve a date soon but I want to know how to pace being physical with her. I’d love to make out and have sex with her that first date, but I want to be a gentleman. How do I pace myself appropriately?”

Interestingly enough, these questions came in at almost exactly the same time…I was almost worried the two people might be dating each other!

The reason why I put them together, is this gives yet another great example of how men see intimacy is different from how women see intimacy.

The answer to both of you is: wait.  Even though it’s no secret that I don’t think you need to wait until marriage, wait just the same.

Why do I say this?

To the girl in the first question, keep it the same or pull back a little; if you pull back TOO much he’ll think something is wrong.

You say you ‘really like him’, so let me tell you this:  nothing will drive a guy away faster than giving it up too easily.  Notice, your first date was at a club; unless you are really young and/or a big fan of the club scene where you live, that’s already a red flag.   Unless you went to dinner or something first and you just didn’t mention it in the question, he is already not approaching you in a gentlemanly way.

We’ve talked many times about how going out for coffee is the universal best first date, but going clubbing is pretty low on the list.  Honestly, even if you think that’s a good first date you may want to reevaluate that.  Dating is the time that you are supposed to get to know each other as people, what else can you do at a club besides dance, drink, and make out?

That is all well and good if you are just looking for a booty call, but if you are trying to create something more, it’s not the best place to start.   The bottom line is, assuming he calls back (and he probably will), he will expect at least to make out if not more.  Try and steer him towards doing something where you can actually talk and get to know each other, and try not to take the intimacy level up until the third for fourth date.

Any faster than that, and he will think you are ‘kinda easy’ and stop respecting you, if not bail completely.

To the guy in the second question, do *not* sleep with her on the first date, and don’t even make out unless she is clearly giving you all the signs.  For all the reasons I gave above, (trying to) sleep with her on the first day is going to do one of two things: turn her off, or turn you off.

I get LOTS of questions from girls asking why guys stop calling out of nowhere, and 9 out of 10 times it’s because she got naked with him way too fast and he got bored.

Now, you *didn’t* say in your question that you ‘really like’ this girl, so I assume you are just a decent guy who is trying not to act like you aren’t after only one thing…even though you may only be after one thing!

Same as I said before, wait until at LEAST the third or fourth date to get naked, although at least a little kissing on the first or second date probably isn’t too bad.  Again, I say that not only because you don’t want to risk offending her or getting bored…but if she give is up too easily you can be guaranteed you aren’t the only one getting it that easily.  In this day and age of teenage moms and STDs, that’s a pretty bad combination.

So my ultimate advice to both of you is this:  respect yourself, and respect your partner.

Girls, understand that guys have VERY different motivations than you do, and trying to win his heart through letting him in your pants will not work 99% of the time.

Guys, understand that girls have very, very, VERY different motivations than we have, and always treat her with caring and respect.  Before you say or do something, ask yourself: if a man said or did this with your mom or sister, would you want to shoot him?  If the answer is yes, then you probably shouldn’t, either.  Remember she is a human being, not just a boob delivery system!

In conclusion: have fun, be safe, and enjoy the ride…just not till the third or fourth date!

What do you think ? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!

And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters

Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything:
http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha  — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another —  A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

    

 

 

Thank you

I was fortunate to be born in 1978, long after Martin Luther King, Jr. said these words that changed the world.  Even though I am from the deep South, and encountered my fair share of discrimination and intolerance, it was nothing like what my parents and grandparents generations endured to fight for the freedoms that I now enjoy.

To celebrate Martin Luther King Day 2012, here is a short video of his I Have a Dream speech, and a small sample of his quotes from Brainyquote.com.

I give thanks to MLK, his family, friends, and all the men and women of all races and walks of life who stood up to intolerance and oppression.  While there will always be more work to do,  I would not be who I am, or have what I have if not for your struggles and sacrifice.

Thank you.

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A genuine leader is not a searcher for consensus but a molder of consensus.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

A lie cannot live.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

A man can’t ride your back unless it’s bent.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

A man who won’t die for something is not fit to live.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

A nation or civilization that continues to produce soft-minded men purchases its own spiritual death on the installment plan.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

A nation that continues year after year to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual doom.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

A right delayed is a right denied.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

A riot is the language of the unheard.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

All labor that uplifts humanity has dignity and importance and should be undertaken with painstaking excellence.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

All progress is precarious, and the solution of one problem brings us face to face with another problem.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Almost always, the creative dedicated minority has made the world better.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

An individual who breaks a law that conscience tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality expressing the highest respect for the law.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

At the center of non-violence stands the principle of love.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can’t ride you unless your back is bent.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Discrimination is a hellhound that gnaws at Negroes in every waking moment of their lives to remind them that the lie of their inferiority is accepted as truth in the society dominating them.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Everything that we see is a shadow cast by that which we do not see.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

What do you think ? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!

And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters

Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything:
http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha  — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another —  A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

    

 

Let the sun shine in! =)

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him.”
-Buddha

Well, I have some good news, and some bad news.
The good news is, I am going to tell you the absolute secret to feeling true and lasting happiness, all the time, no matter what life throws at you.

The bad news, however, is that you probably won’t listen to me because you won’t believe it can be this simple.

I have talked previously about how to feel happy in an instant, and in the video below I share several important ideas, like:
how we decide what makes us happy, how our parents affect our thoughts about love, why external things will never make you happy; why limiting beliefs hold us back and how to see yourself in order to experience *true* joy.

In my Coaching work, one of the first things I ask is: what is it that you want.
Seven out of ten times, the answer is ‘I just want to be happy’. The other 3 times are ‘I just want to feel loved‘.

Well here it is, the secret to feel happy, loved, joyful and fulfilled!

Actually, not just yet.

Let me ask you a question first: what are you happy about right now?
Like tell me one thing you are truly happy about right now, or at least you really enjoy doing.

Is it hanging out with friends? Spending time with that special someone? Maybe it’s listening to music, playing with your dog, or playing with your kids?

Think about it now, as clearly as you can.
What’s it like? Where are you? Who’s with you, and what are you doing?
What can you see, what can you hear, what can you smell and taste?

Got it?
Really take the time to think about it before you go on!

If you did, you should be feeling pretty good right now.

And that, my friend, is the secret of feeling happy whenever you want.
The secret to happiness is this: to choose to be happy.

To choose to focus on what makes you happy and brings you joy, and NOT on what makes you unhappy and makes you sad.

Since in point of fact, nothing and no one can ‘make’ you happy, or ‘make’ you sad. The fact is people do what they do and things happen how they happen. It isn’t what happens to us in life that matters, but what we make those things *mean *.

So let’s say you are hopping out of bed in the morning, what is the first thought through your mind?
Do you wish you had 5 more minutes of sleep? Are you upset that you have to go into work for yet another day, and deal with all those negative people?

Or do you wake up thanking God for another day?
Do you wake up thankful for the sunshine, and full of confidence that it is going to be a GREAT day?
Do you wake up excited about all the wonderful things that are going to happen to you that you can’t even anticipate yet?

Because either way, it is a choice.

Remember, what you focus on expands. If you focus on the things that aren’t working and upset you, then don’t be surprised when you are upset all the time.

I told you you wouldn’t believe me!
It really is that simple: if you want to be happy, focus on things that make you happy.

Now, I can hear what you’re thinking: but how can I be happy now? I won’t be happy until I find my new love / car / job / body / puppy.

But the fact of the matter is, those things won’t make you happy, if anything they create the space for you to CHOOSE happiness. Since I can tell you there are people in this world who have everything you want and more, and are still miserable. And there are people who have way less than you do, and live their life in a constant state of joy and gratitude.

So I invite you to start to look at things in a new way.
Use the tricks I share in the video below to be able to modify your emotions at will, and start consciously choosing to focus on the good, and more good will come to you.

It REALLY is, that simple.

What do you think ? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!

And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters

Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything:
http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha  — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another —  A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

    

 

How to break the cycle of self-sabotage

Question submitted via Formspring:
“I’m in a two years relationship. I always thought, that we were indestructible, but for a few months I don’t think that anymore… And I dont wanna think all the time about “are we meant to be” cause i know that i can decide if we are. But how do I know?”

The important thing to remember about any self-sabotaging behavior, or situation you are worried about is: things only get scary if you look too far ahead!

If your relationship is working fine right now, that is what matters; whether or not you’ll get married 3 years from now will have to wait until 2 ½ years from now!

If you think about it, self-sabotage is rooted in fear, fear that whatever happens in the future will be bad. Fear of the future, and of uncertainty in general are such problems that I did an entire program on how to fix it.

The answer to the question above, along with the details on my new program, are included in the video below:

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Part 2 of the video talks more about the concept of self sabotage, including:
*Why you self-sabotage
*What it gets you
*Why you need to stop
*How you can change

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What do you think ? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!

And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters

Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything:
http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha  — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another —  A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!