A Reason to Smile

A Reason to Smile


Q&A: I love him, but I’m afraid all he wants is sex

posted by B. Dave Walters
Don't create the problem....

Don’t create the problem….

Question submitted via Formspring:

“Mr. Walters, I’ve been seeing this guy for about two and half months now. We spend lots of time together, sometimes he’ll call me just to chat and to see how I’m doing, he’ll even bring me lunch sometimes when he knows I’m alone at home. Unfortunately, we spend most of our time in bed. I feel myself getting really attached to him, sometimes he’ll even come over just to watch a movie, but when I asked him if he wanted commitment a few weeks ago (I really felt myself wanting that from him), he said that his heart was still broken from his last relationship and that he wasn’t ready.

There was the odd time where I found things a little mysterious, and I asked him if he had another woman in his life, especially since for a while we were just sleeping together, and his answer was, ‘’What, you don’t trust me? I told you everything it is you need to know.’’ I really think he’s just not ready, but the problem is that I AM and I actually feel myself falling in love with him. I’m worried that the more time goes on, the more I’ll get hurt if he never wants to commit. I’m already obsessing about when he’ll call me next, etc. Is this healthy ? What should I do ? I don’t know if I’m ready to let go just yet in case I let an opportunity for love with this guy pass me by, but I’m torn between my needs and his. His last words to me were, ‘’let’s stay like this for now and all the rest we’ll see. Let’s take it one day at a time sweetie’’ . Is this guy playing me just for sex, or does he actually see himself spending more time with me ? Is there even hope for a relationship ? Hope you can help me out with this one, it’s really tearing at my heart…”

As always, let us first break this down into pieces:
“I’ve been seeing this guy for about two and half months now. “ That’s not a lot of time!

“We spend lots of time together, sometimes he’ll call me just to chat and to see how I’m doing, he’ll even bring me lunch sometimes when he knows I’m alone at home. “ So he’s attentive and affectionate, that’s good.

“Unfortunately, we spend most of our time in bed.” A guy who’s taking all the sex he can get? Also sounds pretty normal!

“I feel myself getting really attached to him, sometimes he’ll even come over just to watch a movie, but when I asked him if he wanted commitment a few weeks ago (I really felt myself wanting that from him), he said that his heart was still broken from his last relationship and that he wasn’t ready. “Not wanting to commit after such a short period of time is normal, and pending how long he was with his ex and how long ago the break up was, he may not be ready to any time soon.

“There was the odd time where I found things a little mysterious, and I asked him if he had another woman in his life, especially since for a while we were just sleeping together, and his answer was, ‘’What, you don’t trust me? I told you everything it is you need to know.’’ ‘For a while you were just sleeping together’…so that means you’re doing more than that now?  You asked him about committing even earlier in the relationship and although he hesitated, he still took the time to reassure you.

“I really think he’s just not ready, but the problem is that I AM and I actually feel myself falling in love with him. I’m worried that the more time goes on, the more I’ll get hurt if he never wants to commit. I’m already obsessing about when he’ll call me next, etc. Is this healthy ? What should I do ? I don’t know if I’m ready to let go just yet in case I let an opportunity for love with this guy pass me by, but I’m torn between my needs and his. “ Yes, but besides a label on your relationship, what exactly is it that you need that he’s not giving? And while wondering when you’ll next hear from someone you love is totally normal, *obsessing* over it is not healthy, no.

“His last words to me were, ‘’let’s stay like this for now and all the rest we’ll see. Let’s take it one day at a time sweetie’’ . Is this guy playing me just for sex, or does he actually see himself spending more time with me ? Is there even hope for a relationship ? Hope you can help me out with this one, it’s really tearing at my heart…”

So, to be clear: After less than 90 days you have a guy who seems to be interested in you, who’s affectionate, thoughtful, open and caring…and that’s bad because he doesn’t want to put a label on your relationship?

It seems the issue is that your relationship got off on the wrong foot: You started with a foundation of sex that you are trying to turn into a foundation of love, and that’s a tough shift to make.  Ultimately, there are only two things you need to do now.

First: Be patient.  Everything you are describing is a healthy pace for a new relationship, especially one that got physical quickly AND has someone coming off a bad breakup.  Stressing because it’s not moving as fast as you want it to is just going to create a problem out of nowhere and complicate what you’ve got.

Second: Be very clear with him on what you need.  The issue isn’t a title, or a commitment; the issue is that you are looking for reassurance.  You want to know that he wants you for more than your body, which is understandable.  So if you want to go out and do more things together, say so.  If you want to have dates that you have to get dressed up for, let him know.  Understand that you’ve already allowed sex to become a major component of your relationship, and if you try to remove, or even reduce that now, he will withdraw from you.

It seems like you have a good man who cares about you, and that’s a good thing.  It seems he’s trying not to let his unresolved baggage, issues, and trauma from the past sabotage this one, and you need to do the same.  Notice, that you allowed him to form an early expectation of being able to come over to spend all your time together in bed…probably because you wanted him to love you.  And even now, your number one fear is that he doesn’t really love you now.

Look back at your past relationships and see how many times this pattern has played out; if I had to wager a guess it’s happened multiple times.  The only way to free yourself from this pattern is forgiveness.  Forgiving yourself for what you’ve done (and not done) and forgiving everyone who’s hurt you in the past. That’s the only way you can create the space to let this relationship grow into something healthy and lasting.

But in the meantime, relax and enjoy him.  Don’t spoil what you have obsessing over how you want it to be.

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

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B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me: http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything: http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

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  • Jennifer

    I’m in the same situation. I am constantly reminding myself “no expectations” it works most of the time. Good advice that I already feel I am following. Ive knownmy guy casually for over 20 years and developed a friendship with him since my separation and divorce. Then he started flirting and I gave in to my desires. But he does make me feel good inside and out. The friendship continues. Hes been divorced three times now. I bethes not inin a rush to commitment again.

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