The Sun has entered Scorpio, and that traditionally is the time of year when astrologers everywhere engage in either mounting a full-blown defense of Scorpio or start a frontal assault against that Sign. I refuse to engage in either behavior, so I’m sidestepping all the cliches and focusing strictly on fact about scorpions, not Scorpios. Nope, not Scorpios at all.

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–Scorpions have a hard exoskeleton, which they occasionally have to molt in order to grow. During those times when a scorpion is lacking its protective covering, it becomes highly defensive. Science has yet to find a way to explain to a scorpion that it isn’t always molting.

–There are over 1,700 species of scorpion, but only 25 of them are actually poisonous enough to kill a human. However all species of Scorpion act like they are.

–Scorpions are closely related to spiders and ticks, and hardly ever tire of telling you what an injustice that is.

–Scorpions are often nocturnal, and frequently spend the day hiding in bars, internet chat rooms, or in the corner office waiting for an excuse to fire you.

–Scorpions have one primary pair of eyes, and two to five pairs of eyes along the front corner of the cephalothorax. Their vision tends to be focused on their immediate environment, except for emotional threats — which, real or imagined, scorpions can see at a great distance.

–Some species of scorpion engage in what is called sexual cannibalism, in which the female kills and eats the male after mating. However this usually occurs only after the female scorpion goes through the male’s text messages and discovers something suspicious from an ex.

–Some scorpions are capable of parthenogenesis, that is: reproduction without the benefits of having a mate present at all. These scorpions tend to treat any potential future mates with a strong degree of skepticism because of this.

–Scorpions are genuinely loyal and kind and affectionate and caring, and are more than capable of taking a well-meaning joke. Oh God, don’t hurt me, please, stop, don’t hurt me.

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