Oh My Stars

matthew-currie-astrology- breakup giftIn my previous blog entry, I teased a future series about the Twelve Signs and why people might break up with them. I’ve decided that was a little harsh, and instead I’m going to take the high road with it. Hey, we’re talking breakups… people often get out of hand when those happens, right? We should always be thankful when, upon reflection, an ex decides to walk some of the bitterness (and possibly a restraining order) back…

So let’s end things on a high note, my former Dearest. Here is a helpful list of gift suggestions that you can give your ex. It should both help to smooth things over and send that final message about why he or she had to go anyway.

Aries: Umm… A gift certificate, maybe…?
I never could give you the answers you wanted quickly enough for your liking, so I hope that helps. Now, run along before all the best bargains are gone!

Taurus: A bicycle lock.
I know you were looking for a man who could always be relied on to stay predictably in place. It’s titanium, so your next Significant Other won’t be able to chew through it quickly…

Gemini: A parrot.
I could never keep up with your ideas and opinions fast enough. Maybe Mr. Crackers can do the job. Don’t count on constructive feedback though.

Cancer: A security blanket.
Lord knows it will be a lot more predictable (and comforting) than I could ever manage. Just don’t expect any meaningful feedback…

Leo: A spotlight.
If all the world is a stage, then better lighting can’t hurt. Just make sure everyone is staring at you for the right reasons this time.

Virgo: A bag of sugar.
It will make the logic behind your decisions a little easier to swallow. The aftertaste will still probably be terrible though.

Libra: Arts and crafts supplies.
I’m sure you tried your best. Dealing with human hearts often isn’t pretty… at least now you’ll be able to accessorize them.

Scorpio: Inner Peace.
That’s all you ever really needed but never knew how to ask for. Notice there are no sharp, pointy bits… I’m sure you’ll provide those on your own.

Sagittarius: A basketball.
You and I were always bouncing all over the place and getting nowhere, This way, you might as well get some exercise out of it.

Capricorn: A bulletproof vest.
Nobody seems to understand your sensitivity … maybe this will help make your point. Stop head-butting everyone and this might really help!

Aquarius: Lego blocks.
Like Lego blocks, the end result with you were potentially weird and unpredictable, but at least building spaceships and fire stations (unlike building a relationship) is fun!

Pisces: A near-death experience/UFO abduction/dinner with Bigfoot
I know you’ve had a hard time finding someone who really understands Finally, here’s your big chance to find your Soul Mate!

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