I miss my uncle the priest, especially throughout these past few years of adversity. I look forward to the daily email sermons I receive from a Catholic priest I call ‘Father Hope.’ I used to be involved in a bible study with him. His spiritual wisdom is some of the best I have received. In […]
We can’t let go of relationships for many reasons.
These are people who once mattered to us.
We want to believe we also mattered to them.
Yet a breakup is proof at least one person cares less than the other.
This is an excruciating reality and incredibly difficult to accept.
There is nothing more painful than the distance between hearts.
Especially hearts who were once entwined.
But a breakup or a divorce means we are no longer a part of two.
Therefore, it’s important to begin doing emotional work as a party of one. They type of effort which helps us heal, grow, and become richer human beings from the lessons learned. But that won’t happen until we let go.
And most importantly stop revisiting the pain.
We are not emotionally indestructible.
And therefore, a breakup or a divorce means it’s most definitely time to start thinking about ourselves.
3 Reasons You Can’t Get Over a Breakup
You Haven’t Accepted It
The relationship is over.
Have you accepted the breakup?
Or does the fixer in you believe it can be reclaimed? This tenacious strength can also become your downfall. Not everything can or should be fixed. Being a fixer can be a strength in various areas of life but it can be a weakness in relationships.
Does the enabler in you continue to see the best in someone who has repeatedly shown you they won’t treat you well? Does the enabler in you prevent you from moving on because you have grown accustomed to making excuses for the bad behavior of the one you love?
Does the rescuer in you believe you can save this person-save this relationship? The need to rescue one you love can be primal but it isn’t always the proper course of action. People need to be accountable for their own behavior. They need to be self-responsible. If you are continually rescuing someone this makes you overly responsible for someone who is being under-responsible for themselves.
Does the codependent in you keep you hanging on? Are you someone who overcompensates for your significant other? Do you have to constantly make sacrifices? Do you put up with unhealthy behavior? Does your whole world revolve around your partner at your own expense? Do you constantly overcompensate to keep the peace or to hide their behaviors?
Does the idealist in you reject this breakup or divorce? Do your rose-colored glasses prevent you from accepting this was the outcome in your life?
It’s important to understand your own personality.
What is the reason you are finding it difficult to accept that the relationship is over?
You also need to believe and embrace you deserve wonderfully healthy love.
You Haven’t Healed
If you can’t move on from a relationship you haven’t healed.
Even if you were the one who initiated the breakup or divorce, it can still be extremely difficult.
It’s both incredibly healthy and productive to see a counselor.
There is no shame in needing help in the healing process. A great counselor can teach you to take responsibility for the choices you made and let go of anger and resentment. They can release you from blame and bitterness. They can help you understand your own personality, i.e., are you an enabler or a codependent?
Self-exploration (articles, books, television shows) can lead you to a few clues about yourself. But it takes a one on one with a good counselor to help you discover who you are and why you make the relationship choices you do.
A counselor can help you understand your past and leave it there.
You Haven’t Tapped Into Your Spirituality
The foundation of faith is everything in life is happening for a reason.
Even unwanted outcomes or suffering.
This breakup or divorce may not be what you wanted. You may beat yourself up that your children no longer have two parents together. You may be bitter because your spouse had an affair. You may resent your spouse for abusing alcohol or drugs. You may be angry your spouse refused marital counseling. You may agonize over repeating history.
You may be fighting God.
And rejecting this as His plan for you.
But if you are deeply spiritual eventually you need to accept this was meant to be.
The relationship just wasn’t what you thought it was or the person wasn’t who you thought they were.
When you do it will be incredibly freeing. You will find the peace that did not exist before. You will release yourself from parental guilt. You will stop beating yourself up. You will release the anger. You will reject bitterness.
You will experience spiritual healing.
When we love big we fall hard.
When we invest in relationships we sign over a huge chunk of our hearts.
But the relationships which don’t last were not meant for us.
Despite wishing they were.
I’m contributing pieces on Family Today and Medium. Follow me on social below. #WomanResurrected