As parents, we spend a fair amount of time agonizing over our mistakes. Certainly, we would have done many things differently. If only we hadn’t been grown children ourselves when we made our relationship choices and eventually married. Most of us had no idea our marriages would end. If we had, we wouldn’t have walked […]
There are those who navigate divorce with relative ease.
But for many, the end of a marriage is painful and overwhelming.
It is a time filled with family, financial, and future worries. Even in the best of situations, it can be daunting. In the worst of situations, it can involve a spouse who is exercising vindictive, bullying or abusive behavior.
This emotional tsunami can lead to stress, inability to sleep, poor diet, and health issues. Furthermore, this typically unwanted disruption of life can be met with resistance. Even by those spouses who initiated the divorce.
Because change is often inherently challenged.
Therefore, on the anxious days or sleepless nights, it can be hard to combat the pain and worry. But it is important to remember that although challenging this is a part of the process. And determine a way to manage the fear, worry, pain, and stress.
Much easier said than done.
However, one can strive to accept certain truths that accompany this excruciating life change.
And repeat calming universal mantras before the racing thoughts bust out of the gate.
Self-Care and Family Mantra
I am centered because when we have God and each other we have everything.
Divorce mandates a strict return to values and priorities.
All of your emotional energy should be devoted to those who need it most. Therefore, you and your children should come first without exception. It is a time to trim down social obligations, set boundaries at work, and not spread yourself thin.
It’s tempting to want to keep up with your old level of activity. But this is a great loss and time of suffering, it’s okay to re-prioritize your life.
Remind your children that when you have God and each other you have everything.
This sadness and transition will not defeat them. This reinforces for your children your belief and assures them if you believe and live by it it will sustain them as well.
Everything will be okay when you stay centered on your foundation.
Embrace Change Mantra
The Past is not lost, it’s shaping my future.
Divorce can make you feel as if the life you spent years building vanished–as if you have nothing to show for huge chunks of your time.
It can also make you feel misplaced.
Because the past feels painful, the present unsettled and the future is yet to be captured.
It’s easy to get immersed in the anxiety of the unknown.
But you must remind yourself nothing in your life was truly forfeited.
You suffered a loss of a person, not of yourself.
This emotional growth is leading you in the true direction of your future. Another good reminder for your children as well. They are not victims of divorce or a broken home. They are living the life they were intended to live and there will be gifts that emerge from their struggles.
Relationships Change Mantra
Friends and family will rearrange and a new world will emerge.
You will not retain every friendship.
It is an incredibly painful and unfortunate divorce truth.
Some friends will either have loyalty to your spouse or not enough loyalty to you.
Difficult times are the litmus test of friendship. Divorce will weed out some who may even shock you. And relationships with in-laws you once considered family may also be altered. It’s to be expected.
Have a good cry and move on.
(Blank) is not in control. God is in control.
It’s not always easy to control the anxiety of divorce.
Especially on those sleepless nights, days you are worried about your children, your finances, or where you will live.
Divorce worry varies from person to person.
You might fear a financially or emotionally abusive spouse. You might fear for your finances. It is a given that sadly this type of angst is generally present in some form. It can at times feel incapacitating.
Just fill in the blank.
If your spouse is bullying you then it would be (My ex-husband/wife) is not in control. God is in control.
If you are worried about money it would be (Money) is not in control. God is in control.
If you are worried about finding a job it would be (Employers) are not in control. God is in control.
Whatever the concern, remind yourself that fear does not control you. These types of mantras need to be repeated over and over again on the nights they keep you from falling asleep. Quiet the fear. You will overcome it.
Counseling promotes accountability and disables blame and fosters forgiveness.
Counseling is one of the healthiest self-care gifts you can give yourself.
If not, the pain can lead to bitterness and keep you from moving forward.
Divorce means you have to shed the past and learn from it.
The best counselors acknowledge what has happened in your life but empower you.
If your spouse cheated what they did was wrong. You should feel devastated and hurt, and all the emotions that accompany it. And then with the help of a great counselor, you should learn why you made the relationship choices you made. Perhaps why you put up with certain behaviors, etc.
You should get your power back and this, in turn, promotes actual healing.
The ugliness of divorce can be tempered by a few universal mantras which center you.
They can be calming reminders that this too shall pass.
And that divorce, despite feeling incredibly lonely has many universal chords.
You are not alone.
I’m contributing pieces on Family Today and Medium. Follow me below. #WomanResurrected