Four years ago today, I charged into an attorney’s office determined to begin again.

Hindsight is twenty twenty as they say.

As we all know, I couldn’t have been more naive.

But I was gutsy and I was strong and my children’s well-being gave me the additional courage I needed.

As my sister once said and I paraphrase, “A lot of women in your position would have just stayed – for the safety and lifestyle. But I am proud you were smart enough to know better.”

I document the gutsy and strong part, not for me.

Goodness knows, I felt anything but that.

I write it to inspire those in my very own shoes.

Those who need to hear there is a bravery in being bold enough to start over ever – let alone in midlife. A hutzpa in recognizing the example you are setting for your children isn’t the right one. Sure, you can stay together but it simply means they may arrive at your same truth one day.

I did not want my children to know my truth.

I chose temporarily disrupting their day to day to ensure an ultimately better world.

Had I ever in a million years understood I would be doing quite the opposite I may never have marched in that office.

In leaving, there was no sport in just me being the main target any longer.

My sweet, unbelievably kind, loving, caring, empathetic, responsible, respectful and unselfish boys would now be caught in the crossfire. They would pay a dear price for their mother being bold enough to leave.

Today – this ominous anniversary has been an oxymoron.

I spent it primarily alone – by choice.

I celebrated my impending freedom. Not from the marriage, I believed I was leaving four years ago, but the control which followed that relationship far into divorce. I confidently embraced my returning self and invested in just me. It was a day of rejuvenation.

On the flip side, it was a day of great remorse.

Not from finally abandoning a broken relationship. 

Rather it was from the devastation thrust upon my boys and how it impacted the four of us and our relationships.

I would say I shouldn’t have done it. That I should have waited until they were all out of high school except the truth is the opposite.

These past years have been a testimony I got away from a person who I should have left sooner.

My sadness?

In the unhappy marital years, I was the only one without a permanent smile. In divorce, it was my children’s smile who has continually been wiped away. This is normal for the typical grieving period of divorce –  not for this prolonged calendar.

I have joked my divorce was like the four-year term of the presidency.

I have no desire to seek another term.

Instead, I will focus on inspiring others who temporarily doubt themselves.

And those who just like me pray their children will look back – 

Long past their adolescent angst, smile with love and great faith and declare…

“My mom left a situation many women would not. Had it been only her she might have stayed but because of us, she forced herself to make a far tougher decision. She had to quiet her fears and leave her best friend, a man she loved since she was just nineteen because being a mother was more important to her than absolutely anything else in the entire world. And she made the choice to break a cycle which could follow us had she remained.

She was gutsy and strong but we are the ones who gave her the courage she ultimately needed.

 

(Photo courtesy of Pexels)

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