Americans love to celebrate stuff. Heck that’s why we have holidays every month of the year; we need an excuse to celebrate. The celebration is the experience by the way, rarely are we actually celebrating what the holiday is for. You don’t believe me?

We have a holiday called Arbor Day that apparently is a celebration of trees. I don’t know what trees have to do with arbor especially since I don’t know what an arbor is? They have cards for Arbor day which is funny to me since they have to kill a tree in order to get the word out that we need to save trees! Nothing funnier than irony huh?

Then again I suppose if someone proposed a holiday called “Tree Day” everyone would have laughed and then you’d be promptly tarred and feathered.

Nevertheless Arbor Day is a holiday but do you know anyone personally who celebrates trees? Sure maybe some hippie throwback as well as some fringe eco-freaks that believe creation is equal in value to humans but I’m not talking about them, I’m talking about real people.

My point is that somewhere in time some American was itching to have a celebration and asked for ”any celebration ideas”, and some cider impaired fellow American without enough government sanctioned free time paused a moment and then blurted out “ what about trees? They grow AND have leaves!”…Perfect, light up the bar-b-cue”!

Most holidays are designed to celebrate together as family, which is a nice sentiment but in reality some holidays do seem to be more designed for specific genders.

Which brings us to the 4th of July. Of all the holidays during the year, none are more male than the 4th.

It started out celebrating the signing of the Declaration of Independence, which meant a bunch of guys were about to get into a big old fight and we dare you to stop us.

Only men signed the declaration because 1) we wanted to protect our women and children and 2) guys like guns and fights.

Over time the significance of that “historic document signing” celebration took a back seat to a different celebration that comes from the biological fact that in the very DNA composition of the male, lodged deeply in the very core of everything that makes men, well, men is the incontrovertible truth that if you really want men to celebrate something….make sure it comes with explosives.

The 4th of July is the day that even the police turn their heads as men on every block of the nation get to blow things up! Living in Tennessee that means mortars exploding 500 feet in the air, roman candles shooting fireballs at each other and every possible form of firecracker.

I feel sorry for men in states that are too wussie to allow fireworks. California for example where I moved from have “fireworks” but they amount to “snakes” which “thrill you” with the excitement of ashes, and sparklers which are great for kids………..which is my point. The 4th was supposed to represent a courageous but dangerous time in America.

Let me make this perfectly clear, if you have a device that needs to be lit and yet doesn’t have the potential to blow your hand clean off at the wrist…IT’S NOT A FIREWORK!! It’s a glorified match!!

Guys know this intuitively which is why when boys get sparklers to play with it takes less than 2 minutes before they are tossing them towards the yard trying to make them stick in the ground while dad fetches the hose for the inevitable sparkler on the neighbors roof scenario that keeps the 4th festive.

I am proud of my nation and the men and women who built it and I wish all of you a great 4th of July. Hope to see you in the emergency room!

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