God's Comic

I don’t think people take Hell very seriously anymore. We used too. As a matter of fact it was one of the reasons why people were nicer years ago because they didn’t want to go to hell.

That was a curse word; literally to tell someone to go to Hell was bad. Why not? You are condemning someone to an eternal existence in a place where your flesh is being burned off your skull while demons are constantly poking your butt with pitchforks.

Face it, it would suck. Now hell is apparently a positive word. We even compare places to it. “Where were you? We went to Disneyland. How was it? Oh it was cool as Hell. Cool as hell? Hey, talk about an oxymoron! Cooler than hell….what isn’t!?

You could be standing in the middle of the Sahara desert in July trapped in an oven and that would be cooler than Hell. Hot’s kind of Hells expertise. It’s the hottest place there is. Everywhere is cooler than hell.

Hell is also applied to recreation. “He had a hell of a game”. What kind of games you think they have in hell? Probably not running games cause its hard to run with any speed or grace while trudging through lava. Guess you could swim since there is a lake of fire.

They would have to give you a handicap I imagine though since it’s harder to paddle stroke when your flesh keeps melting off your hands. Fleshless bones have never been known for creating good thrust. How about ”He pitched a hell of a game”, yeah but whose your competition? Hitler’s in Hell. He is fantastic as an evil tyrant but his fastball was never clocked over 86 and that was when he was warm.
Which is all the time now I’d imagine. “He had a hell of a good time” is also suspect of course. Who has a good time in eternal torture and torment? Maybe the Marquis de Saad I suppose?

How about for us comedians? I once performed at a curse free comedy week with Jeff Allen at the Improv in Tempe Arizona. There was a couple that came to the window saw that the show was clean and actually had a discussion as to whether they should stay. They of course suffer from the delusion perpetrated by hack “comedians” that have come down the pike in recent years that believe dirty, offensive, crass, blue, shocking, crude and expletive driven “comedy” makes up for poor writing and delivery.

Every comic on earth knows it is harder to write clean than dirty. Anyway this couple ends up staying for the show and after seeing my set came out to the lobby to compliment me. The man put his arm around my shoulder and said, and I quote “We didn’t think you guys would be funny but you were funnier than hell!”

The irony was lost on him I am sure not to mention the backhanded compliment! Listen all you newbie comics, if you perform a set that hell was funnier than…you may want to consider accounting.

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