We all have reasonable expectations, especially when we have absolutely no reason to think otherwise. It’d be like entering 2 + 2 into a calculator and anything BUT 4 coming up on the screen.

On September 10, 2006 despite Lisa’s cramping, discomfort, and a lengthy ultrasound, we were assured by nurses that, “Everything is OK.” Therefore, as a father, husband, and human being I had absolutely no reason to think otherwise. My expectations as we drove away from the hospital on our way home were that everything was OK.  Well, it wasn’t. A few hours later, in my mind 2 + 2 did not equal 4.  At that time in my life 2 + 2 equaled everything BUT 4!

During the moments leading up to 1:57am the following morning I was in disarray.  Here I was racing back to the hospital where just a few hours earlier everything was OK.  What the heck was going on?!?! I still don’t know, and I never asked why.  I never asked God why, that is. William was born 14 weeks early, under 2lbs, with multiple complications, yet I never asked God, “Why, my son?”  Nope, not once.

I was going through hell, it seemed.  The last thing that I wanted to be asked was “Are you OK?” NO!!!  Of course, I’d lie.  I wasn’t OK. I was in pain. Sometimes I’d hear, “I know how you feel.”  NO YOU DON’T! Let me tell you something. When you’re in your own skin, no one feels it like you do!  I was in a constant mental and emotional battle!  At times it was as if I were in a trance.  I’d walk past the nursery several times each day.  That was torture.  It was right outside the NICU. This is where the full term babies were placed right after birth, I guessed. For me, looking at the babies behind that paned glass was like looking at giants. Believe it or not, sometimes I saw them.  Sometimes I did not.  Sure, they were there every day.  I just chose not to see them.