Mike Bundrant is co-founder of the iNLP Center for personal development.

Communication is the cornerstone to keeping an intimate relationship strong and healthy. However, many couples find the lines of communication come to a complete halt during times of disagreement or conflict. Typically, one partner is making a demand while the other responds in silence.

The inability to keep the lines of communication open is colloquially referred to as ‘the silent treatment.’ It has been in practice for so long that many individuals may have learned it from watching their own parents interact during arguments or opposing opinions.

It may seem like mere stubbornness on the part of one or both parties, but in truth, behavioral science labels it as a ‘demand-withdraw pattern’, and it is highly toxic to personal relationships.

Paul Schrodt, Ph. D., Professor and Graduate Director of Communication Studies at Texas Christian University, reviewed and analyzed the results of 74 behavioral and relationships studies that involved more than 14 000 individuals. His complete findings were published in the journal Communication Monographs in March 2014, under the title “A Meta-Analytical Review of the Demand/Withdraw Pattern of Interaction and its Associations with Individual, Relational, and Communicative Outcomes.”

The typical engagement of demand-withdraw occurs when one partner, such as the wife, begins pressuring, complaining or making demands on the spouse. In response, the husband will give her the silent treatment, refusing to respond or discuss the situation. It is interesting to note that the pattern becomes habitual, with both partners feeling the other one is at fault for the communication stalemate.

The in-depth analysis revealed that the demand-withdraw pattern in relationships is “tremendously” damaging to the relationship. Results also showed that the silent treatment also leaves both halves of the couple feeling dissatisfied, lowers the sense of intimacy between the couple and diminishes the capacity to communicate in a healthy and meaningful way.

Not only does the demand-withdraw pattern have emotional effects on both partners, but it can also have physiological effects that are frequently the result of anxiety and aggressive behavior. Physical manifestations include problems with erectile dysfunction as well as urinary and bowel problems.

Common Roles?

In a marriage, researchers suggest it is most probable that the wife takes on the demand role, while the husband withdraws, but it is not always the case and the roles are frequently reversed. However, regardless of which partner plays which role, the pattern itself is what deteriorates the ability to openly share and communicate, not the specific partner.

“Partners get locked in this pattern, largely because they each see the other as the cause,” says Schrodt. “Both partners see the other as the problem.” Ask the wife — whom research shows is more often the demanding partner — and she’ll complain that her husband is closed off, emotionally unavailable. Ask the husband and he’ll say he might open up if she’d just back off.

Without intervention the pattern will persist, causing undue stress and a lack of intimacy and harmony within a committed relationship.

Resources:
Cooling the Fire for personal conflict resolution: This program details specifically how to respond if you are getting the silent treatment (hint: asking questions, making further demands almost always backfires).

The Dating, Relating and Mating online education program for couples.

Source:
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/08/140804122903.htm

Mike Bundrant is author of Your Achilles Eel: Discover and Overcome the Hidden Cause of Negative Emotions, Bad Decisions and Self-Sabotage.