“What is objectionable, what is dangerous about extremists is not that they are extreme, but that they are intolerant. The evil is not what they say about their cause, but what they say about their opponents.”― Robert F. Kennedy First, a confession: Although I pride myself on my ability to dialog and find a common […]
Question submitted via Formspring:
“My husband died 1 year ago. I’m lonely, but I’m afraid of falling in love again because I promised him on his deathbed that we would be together again in heaven. If I fall in love with another man, I would break that promise that I want to keep. Help.”
On a recent (and very intense) episode of my radio show, Rise UP with B. Dave Walters, I answered this question along with questions about how to find love, how to get over losing a loved one, how feelings affect the Law of Attraction, how to deal with a self-destructive loved one, and many more; but there is a lot more to say about this one.
First, let me say something very important:
No one KNOWS where we come from, or what happens when we die; believing something passionately is not the same as empirical, factual knowledge.
That being said, all I can offer you is what I believe based on my own personal prayer, meditation, introspection and experience.
First and foremost, while I believe we will see all our loved ones again in the next life, our connection with them will be *totally* different. In Heaven we won’t be men or women, young or old, black or white anymore; we’ll be our REAL ‘soul selves’; not these fleshy vehicles we walk around in. What that means is you’ll be aware that your mom was your mom, or a friend was a friend, but you’ll relate to each other as eternal souls, not temporary people.
I noticed that in the question you didn’t say he asked you to stay single, but that you promised him that you’d be together. Wherever you husband is now, he knows this; and while I believe he can see you, and still loves you, how he sees you is totally different. And, no matter what, I don’t think he’ll take any pleasure in seeing you alone and lonely for the rest of your days. Think of the people you have in your life who you love, would you want to see any of them walk the Earth alone for 30, 40, or 50 years?
As I have said before, I don’t think there is anyone ‘one’ person for each and every one of us; people come and go into our lives, and we have to cherish them for what time we have. Opening your heart to love for another person in no way cheapens the time you had with your husband, and in many way it honors the fact that you know he’d want you to be happy. And when you see each other in the next world you’ll still be able to connect like you always would. Considering the fact that Heaven is eternal and ‘time as we know it doesn’t exist: Heaven isn’t so much a place we go, but a place that a part of us is always existing in. That is what is real, this is what is temporary.
But, to cover the more down to Earth part of this:
Although your husband passed away a year ago, grief is a process. It will take as long as it takes for the pain to go away, and believe it or not that can be the hardest part: since one day you’ll wake up and it won’t hurt at all.
When that happens, it’s easy to get caught feeling guilty for the fact that you are healing! So it is important to remember that recovering emotionally and carrying on with your life does not mean you didn’t love your husband, it just means that his time here on Earth is over, and yours is not.
It seems like you were probably married for quite a while, and loved your husband very much. That means if you decide to begin dating again (and I think you should), don’t rush to get back out there, and take any new relationships VERY slowly. It is normal and natural to compare anyone new you meet to him, but if you aren’t careful it can be MASSIVELY unfair for the next man; since it is nearly impossible to compete with a memory.
Take time to be where you are, and let your feelings be where they are, too. You’ll have good days, and bad days, happy days and sad days, guilty days and grateful days. Thank God for having blessed you with the time you had with your husband, and wish peace for him in the next life; and thank God for the life He has continued to bless you with.
When you are ready, the right man will present himself, and you can start the wonderful journey of falling in love all over again; and in the fullness of time you will all meet in Heaven as friends.
I will tell you this, though: if God decides to call me home before my wife, I absolutely would want her to move on and find love again. Since I love her now, all I want in this life and the next is for her to be happy.
What do you think ? Feel free to comment down below!
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B. Dave Walters
Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host
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