Beliefnet
The Queen of My Self

By Jasmin Mitchell, student at Francis Marion University

If I had a nickel for every time someone thought I was narcissistic, I could probably pay off my student loans. Even my family has said this about me; however, I believe narcissism is just something the women in my family possess.

But the more I think about it, the more I begin to realize how so many people have vanity, narcissism and self-realization confused. I often see many females on social media, specifically Snapchat, who take multiple selfies and videos throughout the day. Now some people would think that they are completely full of themselves. However, personally, I wouldn’t know if those women are full of themselves or if they are just recognizing their beauty. Being a female, I know that other females are their biggest critics.

When I was younger, I was, I guess, a sad child. I was lucky enough to have the few friends that I did because without them I would have been completely miserable. I was picked on about everything: the way my hair was styled, to the clothes that I wore, my skin color and my weight. It was as if there was nothing positive about me, in the eyes of those who I went to school with at the time. This continued for MANY years as I progressed through grade school. It even continued when I went to high school. Even though I was at the age where I didn’t really let those kinds of things affect me, deep down I was upset because words really do hurt. For a very long time, I felt unattractive and like a useless human being. It was all because I believed what people said about me, and I looked at myself the way that everyone else perceived me.

Years down the line, it was as if something clicked in me, something that told me not to listen to what people said. I had help from so many different sources that allowed me to overcome the negative thoughts I had about myself. Family, church members, friends – they all opened my eyes to have me see what it is that they saw. I also began to dabble in self-help books which also aided in shaping me to become a better person, spiritually and emotionally. Now, I don’t think I’m the Queen of Sheba, but I do think very highly of myself, which I believe every woman should.

Now what do I mean when I say “self-realization?” My definition of self-realization is finally seeing your worth as an individual, knowing that you are on this Earth with a purpose, embracing who you are as an individual, and using your talents to benefit yourself and others. Also, it is the ability to recognize that you are a beautiful spirit, physically and mentally – to be able to smile in every photo, able to walk tall and to tap into your higher self. Self-realization is creating positive vibrations and to exert a positive energy flow to others around you. All of these things and more tie into my own definition of self-realization.

The females who I mentioned earlier, showing their beautiful smiles 24-7 on my social media pages. I can say that I am one of those females. I am always taking pictures and videos of myself every day, not concerned with what another person would have to say about it. And I am proud to be one of those women because for a long time I didn’t feel that I was bright enough to shine. Now I realize that I am a queen in my own way, as are all of the other beautiful women of this world.

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Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

 

 

 

The time when women hit their absolute sexual peak may surprise you.

By Zaynep Yenisey for Maxim (a magazine for men)

Turns out sex for women is like a fine wine. It gets better with age! But then it gets weird and gross after a certain point, because our biological clock takes no prisoners.

According to new research, the age at which women have the best sex is not in their young and perky 20s, unlike what was previously believed. Two separate studies revealed that middle aged women have the best sex! So all those soccer moms and bored housewives out there are living their best sex lives as we speak, be it with their husband or the pool boy.

For the studies, researchers conducted interviews with over three dozen women between the ages of 45 and 60, and found that sexual satisfaction was higher at midlife, despite all the unsavory side effects of getting older, like vaginal dryness, low libido, and needy children trying to get in bed with mommy.

The researchers believe that the sex-is-great-even-though-I’m-old phenomena is due to multiple factors, including more self-confidence, better communication skills, and the inevitable peace women are forced to make with their bodies after a midlife crisis.

That said, these findings are quite interesting, and frankly a little weird, considering everything that was once perky starts to droop once ladies enter middle-age territory, which can definitely f**k with self-esteem and sexuality.

“We were surprised to find a group of women who said that sex actually gets better for them as they got older,” lead author Holly Thomas told Today.

“As doctors we were assuming that sex gets worse for women,” she added, insinuating her bewilderment at the fact that childbirth and getting wrinkly and saggy and stuff doesn’t ruin sex for women forever.

That said, if you’re single and ready to mingle, go find yourself a middle-aged woman if you’re looking to have some stellar sex. Hot 20-somethings are out, MILFs are in.

(Ha! Who has the last laugh!!! xxMama Donna)

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Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

 

 

BY Jody Rogoff Moses , Australia 

Are we all just too damn busy to wallow in our unclaimed aspirations? 

Eugh.

Have you ever been able to identify a woman in midlife crisis? Have you seen her abandon her kids, thermomix and marital boredom and run from her suburban door to buy a new car or take a young lover?

All too often we hear about men in midlife crises. They’re losing their youth, their hair and their sex appeal and they are running scared in blind panic like headless chickens. Okay, maybe it’s not quite so dramatic, but the signs are nonetheless readily identifiable. They are in crisis and they start to make changes.

So why don’t we hear more about the female midlife crisis? Don’t get me wrong, I’m certainly not advocating that women throw down their proverbial aprons and run off into the sunset, but I am wondering why women don’t make a fuss about their midlife status. Are we all just too damn busy to wallow in our unclaimed aspirations?

Life Coach and Strategist Judith-Rose Max believes women go through near identical midlife shake-ups to men, but contain them better. Instead of abandoning boredom, they introspect more, churn more, worry more and learn more.

“There’s a new notion for women going though the physical, emotional and psychological changes that come with realising they are likely halfway through their lives,” Max said.

“Women have traditionally been homemakers and didn’t get to have midlife crises. Somehow, they just had to keep it together. They probably got to a point where they felt they might be having a midlife crisis, but the needs of those around them meant they just carried on.”

Still, countless women go through the emotional sludge of realising they’re not where they wanted to be at their age, and they begin to wonder where they will gain fulfillment.

So what should women do when drudgery steps in?

Max identifies five key strategies to help you through a silent midlife crisis.

  1. Shift your focus

“Don’t think you’re hemmed in by what you’re currently doing or by what you’ve done in the past. If you’re looking for a career change or new challenge, see what piques your interest or makes you feel you’re in your ‘zone’? Don’t feel restricted by your qualifications.”

However, Max said: “If you view every difficulty in your life as a crisis, there’s a good chance you’re going to end up in a depressed state. Instead, acknowledge that you have a choice in how you respond to every situation.”

In summary, turn your midlife crisis around and view it as an opportunity to decide who you want to be for the next 45 years.

  1. What will your legacy be?

Imagine you have a magic wand and nothing is impossible — what would you do?

Okay, so realistically there’s no magic wand, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t aim high. Don’t bring restrictions into your thinking. Create a space in your mind to believe anything is possible and stop questioning whether you are good enough.

“Decide what you want your legacy to be and start acting — because when you start acting you start seeing the results. Even if it’s not exactly the right action, the fact that you’ve started gives you confidence to take the next step on your journey,” Max said.

  1. Ask the hard questions

Look at your life and decide if you’re happy with the way things are or if you need a drastic change. Ask the tough questions and get an objective perspective from someone who will be brutally honest with you.

“Whoever it is, they need to shake things up and help you to define what you want and how to get there. If you need to make changes, tackle them methodically but with gusto,” Max said.

You don’t have to be a trailblazer to be content, you just have to be authentic and immersed in the act of living.

  1. Immerse yourself in your goals

Even when we know what we need to do to feel happy and fulfilled, distraction often takes over, as life gets busy.

According to Max, once you know what your purpose is, every decision you make, every action you take, must be on the basis of supporting what you want to achieve.

“You need to continually bring yourself back on to your pathway.”

  1. Enjoy the ride

The only certainty is that nothing is certain, so enjoy the journey. Let it take you on the path of discovering who you are, who you want to be and which passengers you want to invite along for your ride.

The goal is where you want to be — how you get there is up to you.

 

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Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

 

By Molly Fisk

Well, I seem to be having a mid-life crisis. I hoped to avoid this by staying very busy in the middle of my life, which was around age 37. Even though many Baby Boomers pretend middle age begins at 75 and old age doesn’t really start until a few days after you’ve died, some of us have enough common sense to remember that two plus two equals four, or in this case, 37 plus 37 equals 74. Seventy-four sounds young the closer we get to it but is in fact a reasonable lifespan, and longer than both my parents lived. I’m frankly a little surprised I made it to 60, and perhaps that’s part of the problem.

Do you remember the day you realized you weren’t ever going to be a ballerina? This strikes a girl at about 15. Real ballerinas start dance classes when they’re six or seven and continue in a somewhat driven and fanatical manner for a decade, appearing in the Nutcracker each of those years. They wear their hair slicked back in a bun and walk with their toes turned out like ducks down the halls of American grade schools, middle schools, and high schools. They’re also, pretty clearly from the age of six, built like gazelles: long of leg, narrow of hip, small of bosom. The rest of us, built like an assortment of other African animals, carry on happily ignoring pliés and at some point realize it’s too late: we aren’t going to be able to catch up. Our 15-year-old bones are too old to slip easily into fourth position, and American Ballet Theater is now out of reach.

It’s interesting facing this sort of loss at 15. It’s both shocking — because it’s real — and silly — because most of us didn’t want to be ballerinas in the first place, and we’re so young almost every other option is still open to us. But I bet if you interviewed ten random women on the street and asked when they knew they weren’t going to be a ballerina, each would have an answer for you. I’m not sure if there’s a parallel situation for boys — perhaps Major League relief pitcher.

I did not turn out to be a ballerina. I’m also not a mother, and lately, now my friends’ kids are having babies, I’m aware I’m not a grandmother, either. This doesn’t really bother me… much… but it opens the door to the question, “Well what the heck am I, then?”

A very cold draft is blowing through that door.

I’ve been a waitress, house-cleaner, sweater designer, bookkeeper, Fortune 1000 lender, investigator for the EEOC. A poet, a teacher, a speaker, a radio commentator, a painter, a radical life coach. Also a daughter, sister, niece, aunt, cousin, girlfriend, fiancee, and landlady. I’ve been a bridesmaid, a cocaine addict, a rower. I’ve written six books and sung Beethoven’s Missa Solemnis in Boston’s Symphony Hall.

My question is, who cares? What does any of this matter? And what am I supposed to do now? If you think of an answer, please drop me an email, before I tear out all of my nearly completely gray hairs.

 

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Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

 

 

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