Beliefnet
The Queen of My Self

By Wendi Knox

It’s more about the words we choose and the tone we take when talking to ourselves.

In fact, if you start paying attention to the conversations between You and You, you’ll hear things you’d never dream of saying to someone else.

(If a friend lost her car keys would you call her “Stupid?” Or if she had a little cellulite, would you dub her a “Fat Pig?” I rest my case.)

Everyday, our Inner Critics give us a  blow-by-blow assessment of how our faces, necks, arms. thighs, butts, stomachs, hair, skills, talents, love life and “you-name-its” don’t measure up to that supermodel, movie star or What’s-Her-Name.

And the truth is, deep down, not even What’s-Her-Name thinks she’s pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, successful enough or _____________enough either.

Of course, we don’t mean to treat our precious selves so harshly. But it seems to be what we’re programmed to do.

Somewhere, somehow, we got the message it wasn’t “nice” to be nice to the face in the mirror. So, we save all our kindness, empathy and words of encouragement for everyone else.

But ironically, though, the more we learn to direct our love inward, the more we receive from the outside world.

So, with that in mind, here are five Valentine gifts you can easily give yourself:

1. Baby yourself. The thing is,we love babies unconditionally.

I mean really, have you ever said “You dummy. Don’t you know how to walk yet?”

Of course not. We tell wannabe toddlers “Good try” when their wobbly little legs give way. We allow for the fact that they’re learning and growing. And we love them for it. (Hint-hint.)

2. See the best. Forget the rest. The next time you look in the mirror, instead of automatically zeroing in on what you don’t like, shift your focus.

Find something positive to say to yourself. (For instance, I’m trying to focus on the color of my eyes, instead of the dark circles under them.)

In fact, when no one’s around, I’ll even been known to compliment my reflection.. I know it sounds crazy. But it feels good.

3. Think before you speak.

When my son was in kindergarten, he was taught to ask three questions before speaking to someone: “Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it true?”

I never forgot those questions. And neither should you when you’re about to dis yourself.

4. Literally create a new conversation.

All you need are some scissors, paper and markers. Cut out some hearts and write the kindest, most loving things you can say to yourself on them.

If you’re at a loss for words, start with “Love ya” or “Imperfectly perfect.” And then, tape your “conversation hearts” on your mirror, under your pillow or wherever you could use some love and encouragement.

 

* ***
Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

By Shiloh Sophia
Every woman is the Queen of her own heart.
It isn’t something she does, it is who she is.
She must decide how
to govern her own domain.
She seeks friends and allies that honor
who she is and who she is becoming.
She has the power to create miracles.

She does not know how
or when her needs will be met,
but she trusts the will of the Divine.
Being the Queen of one’s domain
is not about being
the ruler over anyone else’s life or ideas.
And it isn’t even about
calling herself a Queen.
It is about self honor. It is about choice.
It is about knowing her limits
and setting her boundaries.
It is about learning how to live
with what comes her way,
with as much grace,
majesty and justice as she can.

And sometimes, yes,
she has to have her own way!
She knows she has a calling to greatness within her.
She leads her own life as grand experiment
in happiness, in creativity, and in abundance.
She offers her gifts to others,
but not to her own detriment.
She rests as she needs to,
ruling one’s own life takes energy.
She chooses to embody wholeness,
her sovereign essence,
even when she feels fragmented
by all there is to do, and be.

She holds the prayers of the world within her
because she cares what happens –
with all beings
even though she cannot reach them all.
She reaches whom she can.
She often feels like she is not pulling it all off,
and sometimes she isn’t.
But she keeps reaching anyway.
She keeps opening her heart
and being in her own power.
She governs her life in gratitude.
She is the Queen of Her Own Heart
and she knows that, and that
is a very good thing.

* ***
Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

 

By Wendi Knox

It’s more about the words we choose and the tone we take when talking to ourselves.

In fact, if you start paying attention to the conversations between You and You, you’ll hear things you’d never dream of saying to someone else.

(If a friend lost her car keys would you call her “Stupid?” Or if she had a little cellulite, would you dub her a “Fat Pig?” I rest my case.)

Everyday, our Inner Critics give us a  blow-by-blow assessment of how our faces, necks, arms. thighs, butts, stomachs, hair, skills, talents, love life and “you-name-its” don’t measure up to that supermodel, movie star or What’s-Her-Name.

And the truth is, deep down, not even What’s-Her-Name thinks she’s pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, successful enough or _____________enough either.

Of course, we don’t mean to treat our precious selves so harshly. But it seems to be what we’re programmed to do.

Somewhere, somehow, we got the message it wasn’t “nice” to be nice to the face in the mirror. So, we save all our kindness, empathy and words of encouragement for everyone else.

But ironically, though, the more we learn to direct our love inward, the more we receive from the outside world.

So, with that in mind, here are five Valentine gifts you can easily give yourself:

1.  Baby yourself. The thing is,we love babies unconditionally.
I mean really, have you ever said “You dummy. Don’t you know how to walk yet?”

Of course not. We tell wannabe toddlers “Good try” when their wobbly little legs give way. We allow for the fact that they’re learning and growing. And we love them for it. (Hint-hint.)

2.  See the best. Forget the rest. The next time you look in the mirror, instead of automatically zeroing in on what you don’t like, shift your focus.

Find something positive to say to yourself. (For instance, I’m trying to focus on the color of my eyes, instead of the dark circles under them.)

In fact, when no one’s around, I’ll even been known to compliment my reflection.. I know it sounds crazy. But it feels good.

3.  Think before you speak.

When my son was in kindergarten, he was taught to ask three questions before speaking to someone: “Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it true?”

I never forgot those questions. And neither should you when you’re about to dis yourself.
4.  Literally create a new conversation.

All you need are some scissors, paper and markers. Cut out some hearts and write the kindest, most loving things you can say to yourself on them.

If you’re at a loss for words, start with “Love ya” or “Imperfectly perfect.” And then, tape your “conversation hearts” on your mirror, under your pillow or wherever you could use some love and encouragement.

* ***
Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

I found this juicy piece in The Australian 

By Nikki Gemmell

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So often in life we love the things we’re not meant to — the question, of course, is what we do about it. Particularly at a time when we’re fragile, when we’ve fallen out of love with ourselves. Which can, quite often, be middle age.

“Pleasure is the object, the duty, the goal of all rational creatures,” Voltaire wrote. And all around me, quite suddenly, seem to be middle-aged ladies indulging in the delicious, clandestine, flushing and blushing pursuit of pleasures, little and large. Word has come to me of the unseemly sharing of clandestine pics on WhatsApp of some new male teacher in a school playground, or of women of a certain age reduced to giggles and blushes at the loom of a delectable waiter at a ladies’ lunch, or of divorcees indulging in much-younger male flesh purely for the sex.

It’s ridiculous. Fascinating. Glorious. So wrong it feels right. It’s as if the sexuality of these women is going through some fierce and fevered last stand at the OK Corral; that they’re experiencing the unexpected flush of a confidence-boosting Indian summer of youthful desire as the menopause looms. Their bodies are crying out, “I can still do it, I’ve got this,” just as the world conspires to tip them into the horror of the vanishing — a post-menopausal obsolescence. Yet, intriguingly, the object of attention doesn’t seem to have anything to do with their partner and is most likely much, much younger. It’s the fascinating mirror image of the male midlife crisis.

Two female friends are taking this situation to its logical conclusion. Both are divorced mothers with younger boyfriends, men they’re allowing into their lives purely for the sex. These women are financially independent, secure, and no longer want to live with anyone who isn’t their child. In a previous life they lived with a man for procreative purposes and have now moved into a different sphere.

They love the calmness and cleanness of their own space. They have complete power over what time they go to bed; what they eat, which may well be a bowl of cereal for dinner; what time they eat, which may well be 5pm along with the kids. They can uncurl in their sanctuary of calm. These women desire serenity in their domestic sphere to function effectively in the wider world. They’ve known rich professional lives and their younger men have not — it’s less complicated like this.

Patrick White said living together means endless sacrifices, disappointments and patching up: “I imagine only vegetables live happily ever after.” You don’t embark upon an enduring live-in relationship if you like being in complete control of your universe. And often control is exactly what these women desire. To feel strong, grounded, complete.

The British drama Apple Tree Yard is about a 40-something woman who risks all for an affair. Louise Doughty, the author of the original book, says her protagonist’s desire for escape resonates with middle-aged women: “We’re just really tired and our competence has to take so many forms. We’re partners, mothers, looking after elderly relatives, holding down a career. It’s exhausting and [therefore] it’s tempting when someone comes along and says, ‘Here’s a box of chocolates, put your feet up and let me massage your toes …’ The trouble is that society doesn’t really let women take a holiday from themselves.”

Now that’s a delicious thought. It’s exhilarating to think of the female body clinging to the tonic of lust as the perimenopause tightens its grips. Whether a woman acts on the impulse or not is the million-dollar question. You never know how a new relationship will end up — if it’ll atrophy into indifference or weather the shock of capitulation to become a haven, a harbour, of balm. Yet my 40- and 50-something mates are showing an intriguing third way: mutually assured, uncomplicated sex, no strings attached. At our age, who’d have thought.

* ***
Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.