The Queen of My Self

The Queen of My Self

Stop Being Your Biggest Hater (Part 2)

posted by Donna Henes

Steps to Stop Being Your Biggest Hater – Part 2

by Marissa A. Ross

  1. Break the patterns.

Once you have become aware of negative thoughts, they’re pretty easy to detect and you’ll probably be surprised at how often you think them. These patterns can be as simple as constantly saying “I can’t”, or “I don’t know”, or “I guess”. They can be as complex as telling yourself you won’t leave your house if you don’t fit into a certain pair of jeans. The point is, as soon as you recognize you’re hating on yourself (IE: saying things to yourself you wouldn’t dare say to your BFF), you can break the patterns.

An easy way to break the pattern is when you start to think something negative about yourself, turn it around and make it a positive. When you think you can’t do something, turn around and say, “I can do this.” Sure, maybe you try and fail, but telling yourself you can and putting yourself out there will help build confidence and vanquish your fear of failure.

If your negative thoughts are tied to certain actions, replace the action with a healthy alternative. For example, I’m a stress eater. But instead of eating an entire box of frozen burritos because I’m stressed and then basically putting myself into a whole other self-induced anxiety attack for eating said box of burritos, I eat a bowl of cherries. Replacing the totally unhealthy frozen snacks with something delicious and good for me, I save myself the anguish of punishing and bullying myself (which I normally would) for eating ten Tina’s burritos.

(For those of you who have never had to buy Tina’s burritos, yeah, they’re $1 in your freezer section. Great for broke college years, terrible for your health.)

3.5. Be your biggest fan.

Just totally give over to fully supporting yourself. Even when it seems ridiculous, laugh at your own jokes, encourage yourself to try new things and daydream about your amazing future. Tell yourself you’re beautiful, dance around naked regularly and talk to the cute boy at the party, because what’s the point of not?! Give yourself the chance to believe that you can be everything you’ve ever wanted to be, because the truth is, you can be as soon as you stop telling yourself you can’t.

  1. Focus on goals & work you love.

Now that you are your own cheerleader, go after goals, ambitions and work you enjoy doing. Not only will this strengthen your confidence by being brave and pursuing your passions, but by doing what you love, you are bound to excel. Take pride in this work and recognize your achievements, no matter how small they seem. Do your best not to compare yourself to others, and have faith in your own path because it is yours & yours alone. No one will ever walk it besides you, so know that it can take you where you want to go as long as you believe in it and yourself.

  1. Develop healthy lifestyle habits.

A quick way to boost your self-esteem is by living a healthy lifestyle. It’s incredible how much exercise and eating right can help. Not only does it help you gain a better self-image, but it also helps get expel a lot of the pent up anxiety you can incur throughout your daily life. Find an exercise routine you truly enjoy and eat lots of fresh fruit and veggies. Being active and eating clean food will help you feel good all over, mind & body. I’m not trying to mom-out on you, but if you think all the preservatives and chemicals in processed foods can be good for you, girl, you need more help than this post has to offer.

It’s also a good idea to pick up some exercises for your spirit, like meditation or yoga. As with anything, practicing to silence your thoughts and quell your fears through these exercises will make it easier in your daily life, and c’mon, who doesn’t want to fall asleep without a thousand worries bombarding you?!

  1. Be the best friend you’ve always wanted.

And now, after all that, this is the easy part. See, once you master the other steps, being your own best friend will come naturally. You won’t have to try because practice creates habits and habits create lifestyles. You won’t continually beat yourself up. You won’t constantly second guess yourself. You won’t be stuck in your cave.

When you’re having a bad day, you’ll be able to look into your sky and beyond the clouds, because you know that they’re only temporary. You know that beyond the storm is another day, full of promise. You will know you’re a beautiful person inside and out, and will be able to remind yourself when you’re just PMSing. Never stop telling yourself to go for it, and never think twice about standing up for yourself, because you will always have a best friend who supports you.

  • Marissa Ross

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Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

Stop Being Your Biggest Hater

posted by Donna Henes

Steps to Stop Being Your Biggest Hater – Part 1

by Marissa A. Ross

I spent about ten years of my life living in a dark, cavernous cave I created in my mind. This cave constantly echoed all my greatest fears and anxieties. It resonated these absolutely insane thoughts I had developed about myself– I was never good enough or cute enough or talented enough. Looking back, I honestly don’t know how I came to think these things about myself or why I believed that they were true, but I did. The lack of self-esteem and the incredible amount of stress I put on myself affected not only my goals, but also my health. I was the queen of my own Playa Hater’s Ball.

Any of this sound familiar?

Well, I’m here to say, STOP IT.
You need to stop it, stop it right now!
No ifs, ands, or buts, you just need to stop!

If you’re still stuck in your cave, then this may seem like an impossible task. Newsflash: it is entirely possible. The world is full of people who are going to try to hold you back, don’t let yourself be one of them. A simple way to thrive in this world is to learn to be your own best friend. It’s going to take some work and some patience, but the outcome will be a peace of mind you never thought possible.

So, if you’re ready to turn your cave into a limitless sky of possibilities, let’s get started.

Note: Do not come to me next week crying about how you’re still in a cave. This is like a gym routine, people. You do not lose fifteen pounds by going on the Elliptical for twenty minutes, twice a week. Be prepared to do serious, conscious work and you will see serious results.

  1. Become aware of your negativity and your choice to participate in it.

Some of you may know you’re negative, others of you may not even notice it. Here’s the best indicator in the world: ask yourself, “Would I let someone say this to my best friend?” In my case, my sister is my best friend. And if anyone in the universe tried to tell her she couldn’t do something, or that she was ugly, or anything other than that she was a beautiful spirit inside & out, I’d probably find something within grabbing distance and stab them.

I’m sure you feel the same way about your best friend. You’d never let anyone tell them they were fat or dumb, so why do you tell YOURSELF that?! When put in this context, most of the negative thoughts our brains have become shocking. It’s embarrassing how badly we treat ourselves some times, and for really no good reason. Nothing positive comes out of these sorts of thoughts– it doesn’t motivate you to be better or to try harder. It usually just creates more negativity.

Realize that you are choosing to participate in these thoughts. You have a choice to not think them, even if it doesn’t seem like it. The cave is dark and scary, and sometimes to think you’ve chosen to be there seems preposterous. It’s not. It’s true. Once you make the realization that you can choose to have a better perspective, the quicker you will have one.

  1. Recognize the difference between your ego and reality.

Look, your ego is a crazy and fragile thing. Sometimes it makes you feel like you’re on top of the world, but it is also what makes you your biggest hater. Your ego uses fear to keep you tied to it, and those racing thoughts your ego produces are not real. They are usually based on future fears that will never happen, and you basically just have to stop paying attention to them. Seriously, just ignore them. Much like step one, the more attention you choose to give these thoughts, the more power you are granting them. Just tell them to STFU.

On Wednesday, read Steps to Stop Being Your Biggest Hater – Part 2

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Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

Cry Me a River: A Ceremony for Dampened Spirits

posted by Donna Henes

Sometimes our life and times, with its constant bombardment of negativity and steady accumulation of stress, seems like too much to endure. Oftentimes, we aren’t even consciously aware that we are annoyed, upset, dispirited. We simply carry on. We persevere. We do what we need to do. We conscientiously continue on continuing on, ignoring our feelings, suppressing our sadness.

Until the day comes when we can stand it no longer, and then the dams break and our constricted emotions overflow. We find ourselves sobbing helplessly for no reason at all, or weeping at Hallmark commercials, completely appalled that we could succumb to such blatant emotional manipulation.

But, then again, sometimes we just can’t cry. We feel like it. We want to. We need to. But we just can’t let go. We are bound tight by some excruciating kind of crippling constipation of expression. I recently experienced a series of disappointments and setbacks. I stewed and stomped and swore, but I couldn’t find release. Then, one evening after bending down to put something away, I stood up quickly and smacked my head into an open kitchen cabinet door. That did it. I burst into tears, bawled like a baby, and within moments I felt much, much better.

There is nothing quite so satisfying as a nice, good cry. Humans cry two different grades of tears, both of which are incredibly cleansing. The tears we shed when we get something in our eye — dust or an eyelash, for example, or while we are peeling an onion, or smelling smoke, literally washes them clean of a specific irritant.

When we weep emotional tears, we release excess stores of the hormone prolactin, which is potentially toxic if allowed to accumulate in our bodies. The fact that we flush our systems of this poison probably accounts for the fact that in one survey, 85 percent of all women and 73 percent of men testified to how much better they feel after crying.

Research had concluded that people who cannot cry, or who consider that crying is a sign of weakness, suffer a significantly greater incidence of stress related disease such as colitis. According to a report just released, 95% of all illness is stress-related.

Tears are cleansing and refreshing, but there are certainly more agreeable ways to achieve the unburdening relief that they offer than by banging your head against a wall. Over the years I have developed a personal ritual, a Cryfest, wherein I indulge in the consolation of blatant lamentation. This is not about feeling sorry for myself, but a conscious dedication to release and relief. For two solid days I allow myself to weep and wallow, really revel in royal melancholy, after which I am renewed and ready to face anything.

Here are some suggested preparations for your own Cryfest:

Set aside a weekend when you can be alone.

Stock up on your favorite comfort foods. I usually do it while fasting, but you can use ice cream or wine or Chinese food or whatever else you crave for solace.

Rent at least twelve tearjerker tapes or DVD’s.

Take a long, hot bath to relax and release your resistance.

Settle into bed or onto the sofa for the marathon.

Make sure you have handy a box of ultra soft tissues, or better yet, a pile of lace trimmed, embroidered and crocheted hankies.

Turn on the TV and let it flow, let it flow, let it flow.

Some Recommended Tearjerkers

A Night to Remember
Antonia’s Line
Back Street
Bambi
Brian’s Song
Bridges of Madison County
Brokeback Mountain
Charley
Dark Victory
Days of Wine and Roses
Dr. Zhivago
Dumbo
Empire of the Sun
Frankie and Johnny
I Want to Live
Jules et Jim
Lilli
Little Big Man
Now Voyager
Philadelphia
Sophie’s Choice
Stella Davis
Strangers in Good Company
The Bear
The Children’s Hour
The Heiress
The Lion King
The Miracle Worker
The Music Box
The Old Maid
The Spitfire Grill
The Way We Were
Two Women
With a Song in My Heart

Check out the subject index of the “Video Hound’s Golden Movie Retriever” (Visible Ink Press/Gale Research.) It lists three columns of tearjerkers.

Top ten crying songs according to The Times of London

All Cried Out Alison Moyet
Big Girls Don’t Cry The Four Seasons
Cry Johnnie Ray
Cryin’ Roy Orbison
The Crying Game Dave Berry
Crying in the Rain Everly Brothers
96 Tears ? & The Mysterians
No Woman No Cry Bob Marley
Stop Your Sobbin’ The Pretenders
Tracks of My Tears Smokey Robinson

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Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

Earth Speaks to Those Who Listen

posted by Donna Henes

Thank you Queen Elizabeth Hazel from Toledo, Ohio for sending this most beautiful poem.


Earth Speaks
By Elizabeth Hazel
www.kozmic-kitchen.com

Earth speaks to those who listen:
Maternal lectures in shades of green,
Sisterly riddles in coy lagoons and comic swamps,
And her epic daughters,
Mountain covens meet to ponder immortality.

She thinks in seasons and paints in time:
Impressionistic springs give way to pointilistic summers;
Drab and tattered autumns yield to ruthless winter whites
As frost giants gnash through horn-blasted blizzards.

Earth speaks to those who listen:
The North Star is poised upon the axis of her turnings,
And steers her through tides of space and time.
The pulse of her journey thrums through sand and soil,
And her blood churns through rivers and streams.
Her body communicates with force and subtlety,
And few can penetrate her family secrets.
Her moon conducts exchanges with neighborly planets
And imports overseas from remote suns.
Light year accounts in her cosmic ledger
Score tallies that beggar all reckoning.
Contrivances may take her measure
But know not her meaning
Or delight in her passions.

Earth speaks to those who listen
In the oldest language of all;
With the nouns of creation,
With verbs of being,
And adjectives of multiplicity.
Hers is the greatest song
The deeps call to the heights
In a symphonic canon of sea and land;
And all hearts resound to her sonorous chords.
Earth speaks to those who listen.
* ***
Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

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