The Queen of My Self


I recently received a call from one of my Midlife Midwife™ counseling clients. She had been divorced for quite some time and this autumn both of her teenaged kids left home for school and work. So now she found herself on her own after 25 years of caring first for her husband and then for her children.

She called me on her cell phone from an aisle in the super market, sobbing hysterically. This was her first food shopping excursion since her nest had emptied and she was panicked because she had absolutely no idea of what to buy. None whatsoever.

You know how it is when you are cooking for a family — this one is alergic to this, that one won’t eat that, this one will only eat something else. And now with only herself to consider, she was lost. It had been such a long time since she had considered what she wanted to eat for dinner.

This is a sad story, a bit more extreme than most perhaps, but an empty nest can be very traumatic for many women.

With our family grown and our kids off creating lives of their own, women in our mid years now face the future with an empty nest. Now the departure of our chicks leaves us with huge amounts of unaccustomed time to use as we please. This would be extremely liberating if it didn’t also make us feel so lonely and insecure.

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard women exclaim in jubilation as their 24/7 mothering days run out, “And now, it is my turn!” — the common mantra of middle age. Then they stop in their tracks, dumbstruck, as they realize that now, free to pursue their deferred dreams, they have no idea any more of what it is that they want for themselves.

After a couple of decades of serving the needs and desires of others, we have lost sight of our own. Many of us have sacrificed our early aspirations on the altar of nurturing others. Our once-upon-a-time dreams murdered by self-denial, dashed by adversity, and starved by neglect and lack. Lack of time, of energy, of financial resources, of moral supoport, of self-esteem, of courage.

Not only do we “lose” our children at this stage of life, we also often lose track of our sense of Self. As Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis poignantly put it, “What is sad for women of my generation is that they weren’t supposed to work if they had families. What were they going to do when the children are grown — watch the raindrops coming down the window pane?”

Our generation’s story is different from Jackie’s in that most of us have worked out in the world. But then, of course, we came home and worked a full time job there, as well. Now, with our responsibilities substantially reduced, we finally have the time to dote on us.

So take this opportunity to do what it is that you always wanted to do — someday. Take that half-finished novel out of the drawer. Take that class that has always intrigued you. Take that long-deserved trip.

If not now, when? Someday is today!

With blessings of a nest filled with Self discovery,

I have enjoyed greatly the second blooming that comes when you finish the life of the emotions and of personal relations; and suddenly find – at the age of fifty, say – that a whole new life has opened before you, filled with things you can think about, study, or read about…It is as if a fresh sap of ideas and thoughts was rising in you.

–Agatha Christie


* ***
Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to


May is Mothering Month.

What an extraordinarily exciting and gorgeous time of the year this is. Life is bursting out all over. Buds, blossoms, and babies everywhere! Is it any wonder that May is the month of the Mother?

In this season of teeming birth and growth, we honor the Mother Goddesses, Mother Earth, and our own mothers, as well as our own mothering, nurturing, loving Selves.

We don’t need to have given birth to a baby to be a mother, and in fact, nearly one quarter of the Baby Boom generation chose not to bear children.

The archetypal Mother is biological parent as well as the Mother of Invention. She produces and reproduces – be they children, books, businesses, careers, or political causes. Then She labors endlessly to nourish and sustain the fruits of Her passion: Her family, Her business, Her home, Her job, Her projects, Her clients, Her students, Her community.

Full with nutriment, She is the ultimate cosmic creator, nursemaid, caretaker, and provider. She is committed to the well-being of those around Her, and the daily domestic and productive concerns of the material world are Hers. Endlessly reliable, dependable, solid, and sure, She is the woman whose work is never done.

The Mother is the progenitor of life and the provider of sustenance for the living. Including Her own! It is so important that we extend our mothering instincts to include our Selves. To be our own Mother. To be the ideal mother we might not have had.

To nurture our own well-being. To hold our deepest needs in tender trust. To care for our personal concerns and inspire and encourage the development of our best potential. To honor our purpose. To celebrate our passion. And to embrace our power.


* ***
Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to




From As Time Goes By (Blog)

ITEM 1: Everyone knows that insomnia is a common condition of growing old; it just comes with age, like wrinkles.

ITEM 2: We also know that the proper and natural way to get a good night’s sleep is to bed down in a dark, dedicated room sometime in the evening either alone or with a spouse, sleep for seven or eight hours straight and wake refreshed in the morning.

Well, not so fast. Item 1 is definitely wrong. Statistics for insomnia are about the same among all age groups. And there is growing evidence that Item 2 has been the “norm” for only the past 200 years or so, and much to our detriment according to a new book.

Now, in a new book titled Wild Nights – How Taming ing thesis of British historian Roger Ekirch. Until the invention and widespread use of artificial light in the 19th century, he reported, people in Europe had generally slept in two shifts – first sleep and second sleep.

From Ekirch’s book, At Day’s Close – Night in Times Past,

”…fragments in several languages…give clues to the essential features of this puzzling pattern of repose.

“Both phases of sleep lasted roughly the same length of time, with individuals waking sometime after midnight before returning to rest…Men and women referred to both intervals as if the prospect of awakening in the middle of the night was common knowledge that required no elaboration…”

“After midnight, pre-industrial households usually began to stir. Many of those who left their beds merely needed to urinate…Some persons, however, after arising, took the opportunity to smoke tobacco, check the time, or tend a fire.”

More evidence for the second sleep idea has emerged since Ekirch’s book was published in 2005. When I first read about this phenomenon five or six years ago, it seemed to explain my difficulty with sleeping: regularly waking after three or four hours and unable to return to sleep for an hour or two or even three sometimes.

It’s not a nightly occurrence but happens more often than not. Now and then I try to find ways to sleep through the night but mostly I just live with it. Now I may embrace it. Read on.

However sleeplessness manifests itself from individual to individual, a good night’s sleep is widely difficult to achieve and the billions of dollars a year spent by millions of people on physicians, medications, nostrums, self-help books, products and clinics in an effort to get a full night of restful sleep don’t help anyone much.

Sleep Created Our Restless World – Benjamin Reiss, while acknowledging that Ekirch’s thesis that electric lights reordered our sense of time and, perhaps, evolutionary rhythms, another at least equal contributor to widespread disordered sleep is the industrial revolution.

Before then, for many centuries in many countries, sleep was a social event involving adults and children together and even visitors:

”For starters, the notion of sleeping in a private bedroom, out of view of strangers or even most other family members, turns out to have shallow roots,” writes Reiss…

“Historian Sasha Handley reveals that even the idea of a ‘bedroom,’ denoting a room primarily associated with sleep, is rather new.

“Throughout the eighteenth century in England, most homes had rooms with overlapping functions depending on the time of day; and well into the nineteenth century, it was common for travelers to share beds with strangers.

Reiss writes that along with gas and then electric lighting, the arrival of the railroad with speeds no one in history had experienced before contributed to loss of sleep, he attributes it mostly to the migration of workers from farm to factory.

When employers needed to count on employees arriving on schedule to keep production humming, they even used wake-up bells to rouse the people in the factory towns:

”Time itself became a chief product of the industrial age,” Reiss continues, “and when clock time did not correspond to natural rhythms, artificial lighting could enforce it.

“Despite, or perhaps because of, the factory system’s role in creating havoc with sleep schedules, the idea of a standard model for healthful sleep – eight unbroken hours – took hold.”

The change was helped along in no small manner by do-gooders who didn’t like adults, children and strangers of both sexes mixing it up all together under one blanket.

Benjamin Reiss explains up front that his goal with his book was to unravel the reasons for our current sleep-obsessed society with ”a blend of literature, the social and medical history of sleep, cross-cultural analysis, and some brief forays into science…”

It is a fascinating read revealing that our current definition of “normal” sleep is far from being so, and our relentless pursuit of that norm may even be a, if not the, culprit in our widespread cultural insomnia.

The story is much more complex than I have space to explain, but below are a few more quotations that may help you, as I have, think about reordering your beliefs about sleep.

And who has more time than retired people who no longer need to waken to an alarm to try out different ways of finding satisfying sleep.

“…those who argue that there is no single way to sleep naturally or correctly give us license to be more forgiving of our own sleep patterns, to stop thinking that there is a ‘right’ way that we’re failing to achieve.”

“…it’s arguable that when sleep began to be shut off from social life, walled away behind closed doors, it became less pleasurable, more pressurized, more fragile, and more subject to the vagaries of individual psychology.”

“Other scientific research gives the lie to the notion that humans are wired to sleep the same way every night…


* ***
Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to


Hint: This isn’t your Grandma’s idea of going through the change.
By Amy Capetta, Woman’s Day

While it has become a common cliché, some women find themselves facing a challenging (and possibly even eye-opening) period anywhere between their 40s and early 50s, something that has been referred to since the ’60s as a “midlife crisis.”

“In some ways, we look for the midlife crisis,” says Dr. Robi Ludwig, a psychotherapist and author of Your Best Age is Now. “And it is—on some level—a self-fulfilling prophecy because we really can experience a crisis throughout various phases of our lives. So I think it’s when you’re going through a transition and an adjustment during the mid-years and we slap the title ‘midlife crisis’ onto it.”

Here are 13 possible warning signs that may indicate you’re hitting too many bumps while traveling down the road of middle age:

1 You’re asking yourself some deep, probing questions.

“I think one of the things that can happen and identify the onset of a midlife crisis is feeling ill-fit for the life you’re leading,” says Dr. Ludwig. “There’s a tendency to stop and pause during midlife and question whether you’re on the right track.” In other words, you feel the need to give yourself a strong evaluation about where you wanted to be in life versus where you actually are.

Perhaps you realize you’ve been following the dreams your parents set out for you or you’ve been abiding by the “rules” of society. “There’s suddenly a stronger desire to listen to one’s soul, and perhaps the crisis comes when you feel off-track,” continues Dr. Ludwig.

However, keep in mind that a period of self-reflection can be positive, she adds, “because it can get you to eliminate those things that are no longer in sync with who you are today.” Also, a 2016 study from the British Psychological Society discovered that individuals who experience either a quarter or midlife crisis by becoming ultra-focused on their purpose in the world were likely to find creative solutions for their challenges.

“This enhanced curiosity may be the ‘silver lining’ of crisis,” stated the co-author of the research in a press release. “Armed with this knowledge, people may find the crises of adult life easier to bear.” 

2 You’re making some rash decisions.

As a result of soul searching, it’s possible that you’ve drawn some significant conclusions about the state of your life, like perhaps that your marriage isn’t as romantic as you had hoped or your career is no longer fulfilling. “The danger is when somebody makes an impulsive decision—like a knee-jerk reaction—based on these feelings [it might] not lead to therapeutic results,” states Dr. Ludwig.

Acting before thinking about the possible long-term ramifications of leaving your spouse or quitting your job, for example, can lead you down a road of regret. “Overall, it’s an avoidance of reality,” adds Dr. Ludwig.

3 You feel as if you’re slowly losing your mind.

“Women will come into my office and say, ‘I feel like I’m going crazy,’ ‘I can’t remember where I’ve left things,’ ‘I don’t know why I walked into a room,’ ‘I have such a short fuse,’ ‘I’m angry all of the time,’ or ‘My kids and my spouse don’t want to be around me,'” says Leah S. Millheiser, MD, Director of the Female Sexual Medicine Program at Stanford University School of Medicine’s Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology. She states that this sudden shift in personality traits may be due to a decrease in estrogen, which can begin anywhere between five to ten years before menopause. (FYI: Menopause is defined as one straight year without a period.) “Think of it like PMS but on steroids, so that’s why women feel like they’re going through a ‘midlife crisis,'” says Dr. Millheiser.

And like Dr. Ludwig, she is hoping to steer away from the negative stigma attached to this term. “Yes, going through perimenopause, menopause, or a midlife change can be very challenging because it may disrupt your entire existence,” continues Dr. Millheiser. “But today, women no longer need to suffer with these symptoms.” She strongly advises speaking with your physician if these mood changes feel significant to you.

4 Sleeping through the night has become a thing of the past.

If you’re waking up in the middle of the night and then staring at the clock for hours on end, your hormones may be to blame. “Even if you’re having a monthly period, you may notice some common changes associated with menopause because of a decline in estrogen and testosterone levels,” says Dr. Millheiser.

In fact, the National Sleep Foundation states that waning levels of estrogen during perimenopause through menopause can make a female more susceptible to environmental and other factors, which can further disrupt sleep and lead to insomnia.

5 Your vision of the future is pretty dismal.

One of the wonderful things about youth is that you really think you have all the time in the world and the future is where all your dreams will come true,” says Dr. Ludwig. “That shifts at midlife, so the future isn’t necessarily where all of these positive things are happening. In fact, it can potentially be a scary time.”

While it’s natural to remove those rose-colored glasses, feeling jaded about what’s in store or seeing nothing but a bleak forecast ahead can lead to a downward spiral. And believe it or not, it might be wise to take a life lesson from those twentysomethings, she adds. “Those in their youth see the future in a more optimistic way, and that’s something we need to be deliberate about in midlife because we’ve been culturally trained to believe in the ‘deficit model,'” states Dr. Ludwig.

6 You feel like life is one big pile of blah.

“Boredom—feeling passionless—can be a sign of a midlife crisis,” says Dr. Ludwig. “The truth is, the pressures of adulthood can weigh people down at this time—they can feel stuck in a rut—where the opportunity to introduce fun for fun’s sake can get lost.”

A possible solution: Doing something outside of your typical routine that lights you up. For example, if you enjoy watching cooking shows about desserts, consider signing up for a cake decorating class. If listening to music soothes your soul, research upcoming concerts in your area.

“There are similarities between midlife and adolescents—they call it “middle-escents”—but it doesn’t have to be a bad thing,” she continues. “It’s about learning to embrace exciting experiences and newness into one’s life while incorporating optimism and dreams, which we should be doing throughout our lives.”

7 You’re walking around with an overwhelming sense of loss.

Do you have this nagging feeling that something in your life has slipped away—yet you can’t quite put your finger on what that thing is? “I don’t know if I would call it clinical depression, but there is a dealing of some degree of loss,” explains Dr. Ludwig. “The loss of a wish, the loss of the idea of who you wanted to be—it’s a confrontation with reality that can leave people feeling disappointed and unsettled.” For others, it could be that previous goals have been met (Corporate job, check! A trip to Hawaii, check!), resulting in a “Now what?” mentality.

Dr. Ludwig quickly notes the positive in this scenario. “At this point in life, we’re wiser and we know ourselves better,” she states. “So whether or not we’ve accomplished our goals, we can create new goals.” Also, having the belief that there must be something more ahead can a good thing. “Because we’re never going to arrive at the ‘there’ place because there’s always going to be a new ‘there,'” she adds.

8 You become overly concerned about your appearance…

Wanting to look and feel your best is one thing, but staring into a mirror for hours to point out emerging lines and wrinkles could indicate a crisis. “And some people will go to extremes trying to achieve a look of youth or perfection,” says Dr. Ludwig. “Sadly, they tend to ruin themselves—it’s like that false plant that is too green and too perfect. This behavior is based in fear—fear of losing one’s looks—but this is cultural brainwashing.”

She adds that single people are likely to obsess more over their changing face compared to those in committed relationships (who tend to care more about their weight and being fit). “And this is true for both men and women—it’s a response to physical changes that identify there’s an inevitable shift going on, but it doesn’t have to be worse,” continues Dr. Ludwig.


9 …or you throw in the towel when it comes to your looks.

While some women in their middle years become fixated on perfecting their appearance, others may trash the beauty items that have been lining the shelves in their medicine cabinet for years. “People should never give up on themselves, but if they do, they’re probably more inclined to experience a midlife crisis,” states Dr. Ludwig, who suggests finding an “older woman” role model who can serve as motivation. “Of course not everyone is Christie Brinkley, but the fact that Christie Brinkley can look like that at 62 is wonderful. There is nothing elderly about her! That’s nice to know, and I think there is a trickle-down effect,” says Dr. Ludwig.

10 You rarely (if ever) have interest in sex.

If you cannot remember the last time you were in the mood for some one-on-one time with your partner, your hormones may be playing some not-so-sexy tricks on you. “Sex can really suffer when women go through perimenopause or menopause because of vaginal dryness and low libido,” says Millheiser.

However, there is no need to toss out your pretty panties and crawl under the covers in your oversized pajamas. “You don’t have to ‘grin and bear it’ because there are so many options today,” she stresses. “Treatments are available, both hormonal and not hormonal, to deal with all of the symptoms associated with sexual pain.”

11 You think of yourself as an “old person.”

Take a quiet moment to close your eyes and ask yourself this simple question: “How old do I feel?” If you consider yourself to be older than your years (or refer to yourself as being an “old lady” or “over the hill”), you might be in a midlife crisis.

And science backs up this theory: A ten-year study conducted at the University of Waterloo found that simply feeling older predicts lower psychological well-being and lower life satisfaction compared to those with more favorable attitudes about aging.

Dr. Ludwig believes this negative narrative may derive from your environment. “If someone in their middle years feels old, I question if somebody is treating them like they’re elderly or if they are reading from a cultural script that has been internalized,” she states.

But if thinking about yourself in a younger light feels silly, it may help knowing that this thought process has become a growing trend. In fact, research out of Florida State University in 2016 discovered that many women in their middle and older years are likely to maintain youthful perceptions of themselves in order to enhance their emotional well-being. 

12 You feel as if your best years are behind you.

Believing that all of the wonderful happenings that will occur in your lifetime have already taken place can be a sign that you’re in crisis mode. “Again, it’s about losing that sense of excitement,” states Dr. Ludwig.

However, she says this belief is a fallacy. “Isn’t it sad that we train people to think that the only time they can have happiness is when they’re young—and it’s so not true!” she continues. “The nice thing—and this is something we overlook culturally—is that many people have the best times of their lives as they get older. Why? Because your enjoyment with life has less to do with age and more to do with how gratified you are and how good you feel about yourself—and that can happen at any point.”

13 You assume that every bad day means you’re in the throes of a midlife crisis.

Even though a psychologist named Elliot Jaques coined the term “midlife crisis” back in 1965, ongoing research indicates that this so-called “crisis” may not even exist. According to a 25-year longitudinal study conducted by the University of Alberta, happiness does not come to a screeching halt around your 40th birthday. Instead, there is an overall upward trajectory of happiness does not come to a screeching halt around your 40th birthday. Instead, there is an overall upward trajectory of happiness that begins in our teens and early twenties.

“I think it’s important that we redefine the ‘midlife crisis’ and we make it potentially be [something] good,” states Dr. Ludwig. “Sometimes in the crisis, you are evaluating what is no longer working in your life and trying to introduce people, places, and things that might be useful, of value or bring joy.”

Dr. Millheiser concurs, adding that middle aged women in the 21st century aren’t like middle aged women from the ’70s and ’80s. “There’s been a shift in attitude,” she concludes. “Women in their 40s and 50s today are empowered and in better shape than they were when they had their children. They’re really taking the bull by the horns and saying, ‘I’m not going to let this bring me down!”’


* ***
Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to