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The Queen of My Self

The Queen of My Self

A Revelation

posted by Donna Henes

 

By Alicia Keys

For as long as I can remember, I’ve hidden myself. It might have started in school when I realized that I caught on to things a little quicker, and teachers started to show slight favor to me, or use me as an example. I remember feeling like my friends would make fun of me or look at me as if I was different from them and so… I started hiding. Not intentionally, I didn’t mean to, but I did. Little pieces at a time.

I definitely started hiding when I got old enough to walk down my NY streets alone. I started to notice a drastic difference in how men would relate to me if I had on jeans, or if I had on a skirt, or if my hair was done pretty. I could tell the difference, I could feel the animal instinct in them and it scared me. I didn’t want to be talked to in that way, looked at in that way, whistled after, followed.

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And so I started hiding. I chose the baggy jeans and Timbs. I chose the ponytail and hat. I chose no makeup, no bright color lipstick or pretty dresses. I chose to hide. Pieces at a time. Less trouble that way.

I remember feeling that same way when I first started to get recognized as an artist. I had the baggy/braided/tough NY tomboy thing mastered, that was who I was (or who I chose to be), and I felt good there.

Then, because of the way I spoke or carried myself, people started calling me gay and hard, and I wasn’t gay, but I was hard. And although I felt comfortable there, it made me uncomfortable that people were judging me and so slowly I hid that side of myself. I put on dresses and didn’t braid my whole head up, so people could see more of the “real” me, even though at that point, I’m sure I was more confused then ever of what the real me was.

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I remember one interview I gave had strong social thoughts from a book I just read. The writer misunderstood me and wrote something that I didn’t say. I felt judged by those reading it. Out came the shell again and me under it. Hiding, piece by piece. Little by little. More and more.

I became comfortable hiding my intelligence, my physical appearance, my truths, my thoughts, myself.

To this day, every time I get out of the shower to get dressed, I swear the first thought that comes into my head is, what can I wear that won’t cause too much attention when I go pick up Egy, or head to the store, or go shopping, or visit a friend, etc.

And just the other day it hit me! OMG! Alicia! Why are you choosing to be that person? That is so old and outdated! STOP!

You are allowed to be smart.
You are allowed to be beautiful.
You are allowed to be radical and have strong thoughts that others might not agree with.
You are allowed to be tough.
You are allowed to be sexy.
You are allowed to be bold.
You are allowed to be shapely.
You are allowed to be kind.
You are allowed to be yourself!

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And guess what? I can be all these things all at the same time.

I don’t have to give up one to be the other. I don’t have to hide anymore, I don’t have to pretend and hold back, I don’t have to think that my intelligence, beauty and sensuality are intimidating to others.

Who cares? I don’t have to think my silliness, clumsiness or hallmark card optimism, as something I can’t be proud of! Who cares?!

I don’t have to try to go unnoticed.
I don’t have to fit in.
I don’t have to close up my thoughts and only speak my truth through songs!
I can speak it everyday.Live it everyday.
Be it everyday.
Dress it everyday.
Show it everyday.
Grow it everyday!

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I only got 28,000 of those days. So what the fuck am I waiting for??

And dammit, that’s what I’m doing!

 

* ***
Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

 

 

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A Matter of Choice

posted by Donna Henes

 

by Joan Chittister

Most of us know when we’re at a crossroad in life, when old answers have gone dry, when our souls have gone dry here, when nothing but another choice is possible. Then come the struggle and the dickering, the pain and the fear over which of the many directions we could take, over which we ought to take.

Indeed, the big decisions in life are hardly ever clear—except for one. And that one is piercingly clear: life is a series of dilemmas, of options, of conundrums, of possibilities taken and not taken. Negotiating these moments well is the essence of the life well lived.

As a result, we know now that this search for the whole self is no longer resolved through an educational process alone or even the choice of a good career. This search for the whole self is a process of making spiritual choices between the good and the better, the holy and the mundane, the essence of life and the cosmetic. We have built change into our futures, our educational options, our lives. We have come to understand that no life is set in stone anymore. On the contrary, life is a slow-won evolution of the self that taps every level of our lives and touches all its great questions.

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Choice is the holy-making stuff of life. There is no such thing as the inconsequential. Everything we do affects something and someone. Choice, therefore, is a spiritual skill of great import.

 

* ***
Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

 

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Peace in Hot Times

posted by Donna Henes

For those of us in the Northern Hemisphere, summer is sizzling at its most intense in August. This period is referred to as The Dog Days of Summer. Though named after the Dog Star, Sirius, this is the weather when, according to Noel Coward, only “mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun.”

This summer has been especially bad, with extreme heat waves sweeping though much of North America. The temperature here in New York City has been in the 90s for weeks . And the humidity made it feel ten degrees warmer. We are on track for 2015 to be the hottest year yet.

Most of the West and parts of the South have been subject to massive wild fires. Our tempers are on burn mode and even the most innocuous disturbance is enough to send us over the emotional edge. In fact, all disagreements are reaching a boiling point, as is evidenced by the ever-increasing and escalating geo-religious-political-economic conflicts around the globe.

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The entire planet is heating up right now. Global warming is playing havoc with weather patterns, which in turn affect all plant and animal life. The debate about the greenhouse effect, fossil fuel, renewable energy and gas prices is also revved up to high.

Time out!

Cool down!

It is so damn easy to feel depressed, frustrated, disillusioned and pissed right now. These are terrible times of artificial division, manipulated resentment and palpable fear. The real dynamic being played out right now is not about warring religious, economic or nationalistic factions. Not even about war.

The struggle is actually between those who believe that the world is defined in terms of opposition — war or peace, right or wrong, rich or poor, with us or against us — and those who are able to see things in a more holistic, congruent manner.

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In these deciding times, it is imperative for those of us who see the big picture to decide, to commit, to make a concerted effort to reach out in ever-expanding circles of affinity and embrace. Now is the time to turn our attention to positive solutions and focus our thoughts and actions toward creating healthy, functioning networks in recognition and in honor of our mutual state of being and our common fate.

Because there really is still a chance for peace — and that chance will definitely increase if we each do our piece. It is ultimately up to us, each one of us, all of us, individually and together, to create the kind of world in which we want to live — starting right here, right now. With each step that we take, we must walk our talk, speak our truth and put our money where our mouth is.

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Yours for inner peace and peace on the planet,
xxQMD

 

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Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

 

 

 

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Attractive or Sexy?

posted by Donna Henes

By Doris Jeanette

A clear distinction between being attractive and sexy became clear to me while going over the final version of a book I am working on, “Safe and Sane: Heart-felt Answers for the Pain You Feel.” It is a group of questions and answers from a holistic psychology column I wrote a few years ago for an International newsletter.

The question I was answering was from a young Indian woman who was extremely distressed because she was not attractive and could never have a loving relationship. My answer was reassuring, “You do not have to be in the top fifty percent of beauty to have a healthy, loving relationship.”

As I was reviewing my answer, I remembered a current client who is overweight and men are always wanting to jump her bones. Men flock to her like honey wherever she goes. In contrast, my client’s best friend, with the attractiveness made famous by the media, sits perched on the bar stool next to my client, lonely. The beautiful woman with a great figure has trouble getting a date.

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My client asks, “How come they hit on me and leave Fran alone?” “Energy,” was my reply, and energy it is.  My client is caring and warm and people feel it. She is sexy and approachable. Her best friend is attractive and cold, and people feel it. The attractive woman is intimidating and scary.

What about you? Are you attractive or sexy? No matter what your age, you need to be comfortable being sexy. If you want to be healthy, you need your sexual energy flowing and free. Your sexual energy needs to move through your body and into your joints. Sexy energy keeps your bones fluid and flowing and makes your cells happy.

The Kama Sutra, an ancient Indian Hindu text, basically offers the same relationship advice. The text teaches that your age and beauty do not have anything to do with how good you can be at making love. Instead, it says, “Get the proper education.”

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Making love requires energy. Love is the energy you must generate in order to be a good lover. Love comes from your heart and must be allowed to flow throughout your whole body. It is your energy that attracts healthy, loving relationships, not your physical beauty.

Notice if your energy attracts or repeals. What are you doing to push health away? Become more like honey so you get the love energy you need to achieve holistic health.

 

* ***
Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

 

 

Previous Posts

A Revelation
  By Alicia Keys For as long as I can remember, I've hidden myself. It might have started in school when I realized that I caught on to things a little quicker, and teachers started to show slight favor to me, or use me as an ...

posted 6:00:40am Aug. 28, 2015 | read full post »

A Matter of Choice
  by Joan Chittister Most of us know when we’re at a crossroad in life, when old answers have gone dry, when our souls have gone dry here, when nothing but another choice is possible. Then come the struggle and the dickering, the ...

posted 6:00:36am Aug. 26, 2015 | read full post »

Peace in Hot Times
For those of us in the Northern Hemisphere, summer is sizzling at its most intense in August. This period is referred to as The Dog Days of Summer. Though named after the Dog Star, Sirius, this is the weather when, according to Noel Coward, only ...

posted 6:00:32am Aug. 24, 2015 | read full post »

Attractive or Sexy?
By Doris Jeanette A clear distinction between being attractive and sexy became clear to me while going over the final version of a book I am working on, "Safe and Sane: Heart-felt Answers for the Pain You Feel." It is a group of questions and ...

posted 6:00:38am Aug. 21, 2015 | read full post »

6 Things French Women Can Teach Us About Aging Gracefully
By Shelley Emling Before moving to the New York City area, I lived in London for seven years. During that period, I traveled more than two dozen times to France, a place where five- or six-week vacations are the norm and many people retire ...

posted 6:00:18am Aug. 19, 2015 | read full post »

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