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The Queen of My Self

The Queen of My Self

Even In Midlife, We Can All Use A Fairy Godmother – Part 1

posted by Donna Henes

“Bibboldy … Bobboldy… Boo.” –The Fairy Godmother, Cinderella

As far as I am concerned, we can all use a Fairy God Mother. At any age, at any stage, in any situation involving the heart and soul, it’s so reassuring to imagine there is a special being whose there just for you.

If you’ve lost hope in finding your prince or princess … If you are feeling you need a change in careers … If you are looking in the magic mirror and hearing “you could use a little freshening up” instead of “you are the fairest in the land” … if you are finding that those fabulous glass slippers you got on sale are too darn hard to walk in … of if you’ve forgotten how to let your imagination run free and how to trust in the abundance of the universe — its time to let magic back into your life.

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Believing in magic is essential for creating a life of our own choosing. It helps us to remember that we live in an unlimited universe where anything is possible. It also makes life fun, and more interesting.

We survive childhood by believing that magical intervention is just a wish away – from Superman to Santa, there’s always someone to “save the day.” Girls, especially, grow up with the concept of a female being with magical powers that shows up when we really need her. It’s her job to rescue us, help us escape a bad situation and assist us in transforming our lives; ultimately, she ordains that we’ll live happily every after. And that is simply the way of the universe … when we’re kids! As adults, our brains begin to bog down with rationalization and judgments that rob the magic available to us in real life.

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Stuffy and serious as we may become, the desire for enchantment and magical intervention often remains one of the secret fantasies of girls. Little girls, and big ones alike, often continue to secretly wish and hope for a magical mentor to show. Tucked away in our hearts is the belief there is always someone wise and wonderful who can step in and lend a hand – or a wand. Whether she turns a pumpkin into a coach, helps you land the prince or a great job, shows you how beautiful you truly are, protects you from wickedness or makes sure you live happily every after … we all love to hope that she will someday show up and help us make life magical. We can learn how to harness the childhood technology for making dreams come true when we acknowledge that we can create our own magic in life.

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When you are ready to remember the magic of being a girl, she helps us conjure the faith and optimism of childhood and connects us to all the mystical and magnificent possibilities of the universe. Like the beloved grandmother or aunt with special powers, she helps us believe in the magical divine powers of the universe and within ourselves. She represents our innocent, magical selves and the benevolent hand that reaches out to assist us in living our dreams.

Read Part 2 on Wednesday

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Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

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Mining for Meaning

posted by Donna Henes

The shamanic assumption from which I operate is that every person has her own significant mission in this lifetime: her own path, her own dreams, her own symbols and sensibilities, her own visions and designs, her own way of learning, her own personalized hard-won lessons. That we each have our own singular life to live. That every one of us must figure out for ourselves the fullest, richest, most effective, ethical and satisfying way in which to do it; and moreover, that each and every one of us possesses the wisdom, the power and the responsibility to make it so.

Easy enough said. But so many folks feel awash, helpless and worse — hopeless — floating from one thing to the next without a plan or sense of meaning. How often people come to me saying “I feel like there must be a deeper purpose to life than just working. “I must be here on this planet to do something special, but for the life of me I don’t know what that is.” “I don’t have a clue.” “I keep thinking that by this time in my life I should know what my true path is.” I am at a loss.” “What can I do?”

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There is only one thing to do and that is to dig deep down into ourselves to find out what makes us tick, what tickles our fancy and what touches our soul. We can only discover our own truth by paying close attention to the promptings of our inner selves and to our honest reactions to the external energies that surround us. It is ultimately up to us whether we succumb to an unexamined life or try to figure out what the hell is going on inside us and around us, and to engage in it, alter, change and grow with it, so that we might fulfill our greatest destiny and dreams.

We can encourage our inner voice by listening to it. For this we need to concentrate, turn off the static of our hectic daily lives and tune in to the subtlety of spirit speaking on subconscious sound waves. And most important, we need to be open and willing to hear the message. I once consulted my spirit guide, Kanin, by means of a ouji board and asked her if it was she who I hear singing in my ears when a new chant comes to me. She allowed that it was, and then she chastised me. She told me that I needed to do more automatic writing because I was sometimes so hard to get hold of!

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Perhaps it isn’t always clear or conscious, but somewhere deep down inside of us, in the very core of our being, we do know our authentic path. We know what we want and what we need; what feeds us and what defeats us. We know our life’s purpose. It is just a matter of paying attention. We know what’s right, because it feels right. By listening to our inner voice, we discover our true intentions and direction.

Our lessons, and our understanding of them, are often not immediately available or obvious to us. They come encoded in signs and symbols that seem like a foreign language. But, no matter how difficult, it is up to us to access them — if we dare. If we care to earn our sovereignty and walk our destined path, we must excavate the buried treasure of our own value and infinite worth.

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It always comes down to the same necessity: go deep enough and there is a bedrock of truth, however hard.
– May Sarton

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Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

 

 

 

 

 

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Sisters, Sisters: The Oy, Oy, Oy of Love – Part 2

posted by Donna Henes

By Judyth Hill

…continued from Monday…

Following an evening when my sisters took a call from a guy she hadn’t met, instead of watching Memoirs of a Geisha and drinking martinis with me — the nerve of her — we didn’t get to go to the Visionary Art Museum in Baltimore, because there would be too much traffic, and besides, instead we could get dressed up to look extremely hot and go do Karaoke.

So, there you have it. That was my cue to go incendiary. I went insane. I do not exaggerate.

In a state of righteous indignation, a tantrum tornado, I packed my bags and marched them out to her driveway. Despite being 2 hours from anyone else I know, and from any form of even vaguely possible transport to the airport, not to mention that my ticket was for 2 days later, I was storming off in a huff, in a snit; I was leaving and no one can stop me… Remind you of anything? Ever seen a five-year-old run away from home?

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Ms. Demento; slamming around and almost — almost — saying every awful thing that came to mind.

While basically a raving maniac, I was also a good house guest – I stripped my bed, put my sheets and used towels in her washer. Did I think I would later be evaluated on my ability to remain polite while utterly out of my mind? Was I worried my mother, rest her soul, would peer down from Death and see what I was doing to my Little Sister? Well, wouldn’t she?

So are you getting this? There was no incident.

Or, even if there was, and I could easily decide there was – that is the whole point – because then I could be deliciously and thrillingly right, as only the older sister can be, but also, have a year, maybe two, where we don’t speak, necessitating the inevitable sobbing, groveling middle-of-the-night phone call begging forgiveness, because I need her. Because she is, well, she is my sister.

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And she was there for so many truly awful times growing up, the ones only we know, the times we had only each other to hold on to and we developed our dark Jewish humor to laugh and live through it, and it’s the weight of all that history, isn’t it? We share the unfathomable, intricate depths of our family mythos: we know, we were there; we love each other dearly. Damn, I hate when that happens.

We are privy to each other’s secrets and stories, and it’s not her fault she had a speaking part in my personal drama. And still does.

The question is how to find a way to, well, not exactly start fresh- because much of what is so precious is the density that is always between us. And do I behave unforgivably, just to prove I will be forgiven, to test again the temper of the metal that is our love?

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So, maybe it’s to learn to be at least semi-here now without the semi being the Mack truck of emotional baggage I’m still trying to hit her with…while simultaneously needing the EMT people myself.

This time I stopped myself. Before saying the terrible stuff, the “You Always…”, and the “I Never…”, the unforgivable that is part of the bedrock of Sisterness. I walked down to the creek by her house, where we had gone for Tashlik on Rosh Hashanah, to toss our past failures and our gratitude into the moving waters, and I stayed quiet and breathing until the Blame and Shame storm had passed. Then I went back and made my bed and dragged my stuff back inside. Nu? What else to do?

Siblinghood is the Triathlon of love. Just when you think you swam your fastest, jumped your highest, you now need to race a 30 geared bicycle along a course that ascends mystically up a crazy grade… in 200% humidity.

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In the end, we know we will be there; we will go the distance. We always have, that is what being a sister means. This is the short and the very very, I hope, long of it.

So we got totally dolled up, and she did my makeup and let me borrow her Prescriptive’s Magic and gave me her eyelash curler and I gave her my honest and, of course, correct, sisterly opinion on half an hour of wardrobe decisions, until she looked utterly fabulous, and we were both entirely cute.

We met her friends at the Karaoke bar, which turned out to very wild and a major blast, and we downed huge cheeseburgers and thick, perfect fries, and drank big very pink Cosmos, and it was divine.

There was a way cool troupe of gay women, and one talk/crooned a quirky, so sexy version of “I Feel Pretty” to her girlfriend, and then my sister stood up and sang a throaty, heart-stopping version of “Someone to Watch Over Me.”

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I felt blessed and relieved, to know I would.

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Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

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Sisters, Sisters: The Oy, Oy, Oy of Love – Part 1

posted by Donna Henes

By Judyth Hill

 

How my sister taught me everything I was afraid to ask.

When she was good

she was very very good

and when she was bad

All I know is Mother Goose must have been talking about me, when I am around my sister.

With no one else, ever, do I see red, go ballistic and start swinging a barbed cudgel of words and recriminations, including bringing up an arsenal of 30 year old grievances as fresh as if they happened that morning, all the while weeping bitterly as if she were doing it to me.

I go from calm to Caligula, from Namaste to Miss Nasty in a nanosecond. Of course, it is all her fault. It must be — she is my sister.

Does this make a single iota of sense to you? If not, your years of therapy and kergillion sessions have paid off. If, however, your behavior can zoom into the certifiable over one innocuous (to the uninitiated) remark about your weight, your shade of eyeliner, or, oh no, not this, your children, or even a real live just plain innocent comment (which don’t actually exist between sisters), then you too are one of the million suffers of the Heartbreak of Sisterness.

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What is it with us and our family members, anyway? We should be careful and tender with the ones that love us, instead, it’s the no-holds-barred, all-bets-off version of love. We are kinder to perfect strangers, and even better to people that hate us.

Okay, here’s the story.

I went back (as we say) East. And back it is, emotionally atavistic more like; I’m amazed I didn’t end up grunting and pointing, dragging my knuckles on the ground, and craving huge gobbets of wooly mammoth tartar, or more to the point, a diary with a key, Clearasil and a subscription to Seventeen.

Have you been back in the Other America lately? No need to really go; just call there. Everyone is on the phone. Every minute. I was shocked at what looked like hundreds of outpatients muttering and gesturing, until I realized they were all plugged ear and mouth-wise, into their Black…Berry. Jam, anyone?

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Go out for dinner with friends, and everyone at the table, phone set on Vibrate, is text messaging other people they would probably prefer to be with, but because they are with you, they must settle for E-contact with everyone else in their otherwise more compelling circle.

It’s as if every moment of the present must be charged with the exciting potential for a brighter future, or at least, a better date. This makes for intriguingly weird dinner atmosphere and sort of partially scintillating conversations that are not actually occurring with you.

This revision of every rule of pre-existing mealtime etiquette would have Miss Post spinning – though her great granddaughter, Miss Manners, might prescribe leaving the table to “Take Your Calls”- in which case restaurants would have to set up tables for the sole purpose of enabling you to not be at yours.

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What did I just say? Who knows? But I swear it’s true.

Being really good friends with someone, or coincidentally, related by blood, means that an at-home evening hanging out together includes emailing, IMing, Skyping, Facebooking, Tweeting, Stumbling Upon, etc, taking calls on cell and landlines, and checking messages on both, with the dispassionate fervor of diabetics monitoring blood sugar. If you can understand all the communicajargon in that sentence, you probably have either been there or done that.

So I’ll shut up right now, which is what I should have done then.

So the mortifying truth is, besides my sister having the audacity to continue to live her own life while I was there, I didn’t get my way.

…to be continued. Stay tuned for Part 2, posting this Wednesday.

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Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

Previous Posts

Even In Midlife, We Can All Use A Fairy Godmother – Part 1
"Bibboldy … Bobboldy… Boo." --The Fairy Godmother, Cinderella As far as I am concerned, we can all use a Fairy God Mother. At any age, at any stage, in any situation involving the heart and soul, it’s so reassuring to imagine there is ...

posted 6:00:59am Feb. 08, 2016 | read full post »

Mining for Meaning
The shamanic assumption from which I operate is that every person has her own significant mission in this lifetime: her own path, her own dreams, her own symbols and sensibilities, her own visions and designs, her own way of learning, her own ...

posted 6:00:52am Feb. 05, 2016 | read full post »

Sisters, Sisters: The Oy, Oy, Oy of Love - Part 2
By Judyth Hill ...continued from Monday... Following an evening when my sisters took a call from a guy she hadn’t met, instead of watching Memoirs of a Geisha and drinking martinis with me — the nerve of her — we didn’t get to go to ...

posted 6:00:27am Feb. 03, 2016 | read full post »

Sisters, Sisters: The Oy, Oy, Oy of Love - Part 1
By Judyth Hill   How my sister taught me everything I was afraid to ask. When she was good she was very very good and when she was bad All I know is Mother Goose must have been talking about me, when I am around my ...

posted 6:00:32am Feb. 01, 2016 | read full post »

Time to Take Charge
2015 was an especially, devastatingly, brutal year for so many people everywhere. So much anger, so much illness, so many disasters, so many deaths. An astonishing array of exceptionally vicious violence perpetrated upon untold millions of ...

posted 6:00:55am Jan. 29, 2016 | read full post »

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