Beliefnet
The Queen of My Self

By Wendi Knox

It’s more about the words we choose and the tone we take when talking to ourselves.

In fact, if you start paying attention to the conversations between You and You, you’ll hear things you’d never dream of saying to someone else.

(If a friend lost her car keys would you call her “Stupid?” Or if she had a little cellulite, would you dub her a “Fat Pig?” I rest my case.)

Everyday, our Inner Critics give us a  blow-by-blow assessment of how our faces, necks, arms. thighs, butts, stomachs, hair, skills, talents, love life and “you-name-its” don’t measure up to that supermodel, movie star or What’s-Her-Name.

And the truth is, deep down, not even What’s-Her-Name thinks she’s pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, successful enough or _____________enough either.

Of course, we don’t mean to treat our precious selves so harshly. But it seems to be what we’re programmed to do.

Somewhere, somehow, we got the message it wasn’t “nice” to be nice to the face in the mirror. So, we save all our kindness, empathy and words of encouragement for everyone else.

But ironically, though, the more we learn to direct our love inward, the more we receive from the outside world.

So, with that in mind, here are five Valentine gifts you can easily give yourself:

1.  Baby yourself. The thing is,we love babies unconditionally.
I mean really, have you ever said “You dummy. Don’t you know how to walk yet?”

Of course not. We tell wannabe toddlers “Good try” when their wobbly little legs give way. We allow for the fact that they’re learning and growing. And we love them for it. (Hint-hint.)

2.  See the best. Forget the rest. The next time you look in the mirror, instead of automatically zeroing in on what you don’t like, shift your focus.

Find something positive to say to yourself. (For instance, I’m trying to focus on the color of my eyes, instead of the dark circles under them.)

In fact, when no one’s around, I’ll even been known to compliment my reflection.. I know it sounds crazy. But it feels good.

3.  Think before you speak.

When my son was in kindergarten, he was taught to ask three questions before speaking to someone: “Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it true?”

I never forgot those questions. And neither should you when you’re about to dis yourself.
4.  Literally create a new conversation.

All you need are some scissors, paper and markers. Cut out some hearts and write the kindest, most loving things you can say to yourself on them.

If you’re at a loss for words, start with “Love ya” or “Imperfectly perfect.” And then, tape your “conversation hearts” on your mirror, under your pillow or wherever you could use some love and encouragement.

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Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

I found this juicy piece in The Australian 

By Nikki Gemmell

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So often in life we love the things we’re not meant to — the question, of course, is what we do about it. Particularly at a time when we’re fragile, when we’ve fallen out of love with ourselves. Which can, quite often, be middle age.

“Pleasure is the object, the duty, the goal of all rational creatures,” Voltaire wrote. And all around me, quite suddenly, seem to be middle-aged ladies indulging in the delicious, clandestine, flushing and blushing pursuit of pleasures, little and large. Word has come to me of the unseemly sharing of clandestine pics on WhatsApp of some new male teacher in a school playground, or of women of a certain age reduced to giggles and blushes at the loom of a delectable waiter at a ladies’ lunch, or of divorcees indulging in much-younger male flesh purely for the sex.

It’s ridiculous. Fascinating. Glorious. So wrong it feels right. It’s as if the sexuality of these women is going through some fierce and fevered last stand at the OK Corral; that they’re experiencing the unexpected flush of a confidence-boosting Indian summer of youthful desire as the menopause looms. Their bodies are crying out, “I can still do it, I’ve got this,” just as the world conspires to tip them into the horror of the vanishing — a post-menopausal obsolescence. Yet, intriguingly, the object of attention doesn’t seem to have anything to do with their partner and is most likely much, much younger. It’s the fascinating mirror image of the male midlife crisis.

Two female friends are taking this situation to its logical conclusion. Both are divorced mothers with younger boyfriends, men they’re allowing into their lives purely for the sex. These women are financially independent, secure, and no longer want to live with anyone who isn’t their child. In a previous life they lived with a man for procreative purposes and have now moved into a different sphere.

They love the calmness and cleanness of their own space. They have complete power over what time they go to bed; what they eat, which may well be a bowl of cereal for dinner; what time they eat, which may well be 5pm along with the kids. They can uncurl in their sanctuary of calm. These women desire serenity in their domestic sphere to function effectively in the wider world. They’ve known rich professional lives and their younger men have not — it’s less complicated like this.

Patrick White said living together means endless sacrifices, disappointments and patching up: “I imagine only vegetables live happily ever after.” You don’t embark upon an enduring live-in relationship if you like being in complete control of your universe. And often control is exactly what these women desire. To feel strong, grounded, complete.

The British drama Apple Tree Yard is about a 40-something woman who risks all for an affair. Louise Doughty, the author of the original book, says her protagonist’s desire for escape resonates with middle-aged women: “We’re just really tired and our competence has to take so many forms. We’re partners, mothers, looking after elderly relatives, holding down a career. It’s exhausting and [therefore] it’s tempting when someone comes along and says, ‘Here’s a box of chocolates, put your feet up and let me massage your toes …’ The trouble is that society doesn’t really let women take a holiday from themselves.”

Now that’s a delicious thought. It’s exhilarating to think of the female body clinging to the tonic of lust as the perimenopause tightens its grips. Whether a woman acts on the impulse or not is the million-dollar question. You never know how a new relationship will end up — if it’ll atrophy into indifference or weather the shock of capitulation to become a haven, a harbour, of balm. Yet my 40- and 50-something mates are showing an intriguing third way: mutually assured, uncomplicated sex, no strings attached. At our age, who’d have thought.

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Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

The word, “cunt,” comes from the name of the ancient Oriental Great Goddess, Kali-Cunti or Kunda, The Yoni of the Universe. In ancient writings the word “cunt” is often interchangeable with that for “woman.” In no way was this meant to be derogatory, but rather, reverent.

From the same root are derived, “county,” “kin,” and “kind.”

Other cognates include:

“kundalini,” female serpent of renewed life residing in the genital chakra, the source of all creative action;

“cunabula,” a cradle or earliest abode;

“Cunina,” the Roman Goddess, protector of infants;

“cunicle,” a hole or passage;

“cundy,” a culvert;

“cuntipotent,” all powerful; possessing cunt power; also

“cunning,” “kenning,” and “ken,” knowledge, learning, insight, remembrance, reclamation and wisdom.

“cunnilingus,” Goddess worship!

 

(See Barbara Walker’s The Woman’s Encyclopedia of Myth and Secrets)

You can order a hand-made one-of-a-kind Cunt Goddess from Mama Donna. Each one has been blessed with Madama oil in all the right places. Put Her on your altar (*medium) or in your amulet bag (*tiny), and let Her work Her cuntipotent woman wisdom on your behalf.

*Specify size. Send $13 (plus $4. shipping and handling.)

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Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.

Regular sex, according to medical research, has the same benefits as regular exercise. It increases the flow of certain chemicals that naturally boost and strengthen the immune system, improves cholesterol levels, stimulates circulation, invigorates the heart, diminishes the intensity of pain especially in migraines and chronic arthritis, reduces PMS symptoms, and releases endorphins which simply make you feel good.

Here are some suggestions to expand your ideas about sex and open yourself to the infinite power of healing that it offers. Indulge yourself whether you are alone or with the partner of your choosing.


Physical Sex 

Make friends with your body. The more accepting you are of your physical being — your best features as well as your flaws — the more comfortable you will be sharing it. Develop your sense of touch. Cover the surface of your body with paint, with clay, with cream, with silk. Caress the textures. Feel the tactile sensations on your skin. Treat yourself to a massage, a manicure, or a facial. Pat, stroke, rub, knead your skin and hair. Offer to massage someone. Ask someone to do it for you.

Appreciate your body. Know that this body allows you to participate fully in life. Don’t take this tremendous gift for granted. Express your gratitude for its durability, dependability, and recuperative powers. Bless the feet that take you where you want to go, the back that holds you upright, the hands that serve you so well, the eyes that you see out of, the heart that keeps on ticking. Bless your life in its physical form and enjoy it.

Treat your body well. Feed it wisely, air it often, water and exercise it with intention and care. Pay attention to its proper maintenance and upkeep. Keep it oiled and greased and limber, and don’t let it get rusty. Nurture its need to be nurtured. Tend to its requirements and pamper all of its parts. Prepare your body for sex. Soak in a warm tub full of fragrant water to melt into the mood. Rub luscious lotion all over yourself, caressing each mound and crevice and curve with love and anticipation.
Mental Sex

Mind your memories, good and bad. Do not dwell in the past. Do not look back in time in order to yearn for more youthful days or compare yourself today with who you used to be. And do not let past pain, rejection, repression, or abuse deprive you of your present pleasures. Deal with what you want to change so that you can Be Here Now.

Mind your manners. Be nice. Be kind. Be patient. Be encouraging, but be sure to ask for what you want. Be willing to communicate with an open ear as well as with an open mouth. Be clear and specific. Be gentle, but firm. Speak your truth and expect to be heard. Share your desires and fantasies and play them out. Show and tell.

Mind your P’s and Q’s. P stands for permission. Allow yourself to follow your instincts and your desires and give yourself the unconditional permission to do what comes naturally, whatever that might mean to you. Q is for the Queen in you who knows what She knows She likes. And She likes to get it.
Emotional Sex

Explore the full range of your sexual emotions. What feelings does sex engender in you? What needs do you want it to fill? Does it? Is sex an outlet for the release of stress, of anger, frustration, or boredom? Is it an avenue to tenderness, affection, closeness, intimacy, honesty, safety, openness, trust, and love?

Express your true emotional Self in all its myriad moods. Allow your funny, silly, lazy, sad, colorful, soulful, sinful parts out to play. Be adventurous. Be bold. Be brazen. Be wild. Be inventive. Don’t worry, the kids won’t be able to hear you. Be silent. Be solo. Be celibate. Be whatever you damn please.

Exorcise your demons. Relax your resistance. Release your inhibitions. Let go of your mind altogether. Forget your mental ramblings for a while, and just let yourself be. There are times when it is important to reflect upon and connect with your thoughts and feelings, and there are times when it’s just as beneficial to disengage. Sex would be one.
Spiritual Sex

Create a sexual sanctuary, a safe and sacred space, a Temple of Love in which to indulge in your pleasures. Remove all distracting items that relate to the other parts of your life: notebooks, briefcases, pagers, bills, calendars. Turn the phones off, including the cell at the bottom of your purse. Cover the clocks. Close the bathroom door. Smudge your space with the smoke of myrrh or copal to cleanse the atmosphere and with the smoke of sweetgrass to invite in the sweet spirits.

Create a mood conducive to enchantment, enticement, and enjoyment. This is the royal boudoir, after all. A Garden of 1001 Delights. Decorate it in such a way as to appeal to all of the senses. Sheets and covers in soft fabrics, chenille, flannel, satin, to lie upon. Candles, soft lights, colored walls, flowers, and objects of art to please the gaze. Evocative perfumes, oils, and incense to smell. Lovely treats to taste.

Create a ritual before you make love. Think of sex as a way to connect, alone or in company, with the vibrating Kundalini energy that courses through you and the entire universe. Sanctify and ignite your intention by lighting a candle, saying a prayer, or by singing, chanting, drumming, dancing, anointing. Reach out to engage your Self, another, and All That Is, in an ecstatic embrace of spirit, passion, and love.

 
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Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com.