O Me of Little Faith

O Me of Little Faith


‘Negotiated Infidelity’ is Stupid and I Am Not a Hero: A Rant

posted by Jason Boyett

There’s a new book out by the pseudonymous “author and former mistress” Holly Hill. The book, a memoir called Sugarbabe, details a season of her life in which she lived as a 24/7 paid executive mistress for several “sugar daddies.”

sugarbabecvr.jpgWhat’s getting attention, though, isn’t her saucy cover or admission of prostitution, but her promotion of a concept she calls “negotiated infidelity.”

The main point: women should allow their men to stray because 1) all men are naturally wired with the need to cheat; 2) but they still probably love their mates regardless of acting on this need; 3) so the best way to keep him from cheating in secret is to let him have sex elsewhere but negotiate the terms.

Quotes from a CNN feature about Hill:

Allowing their men to stray is a concept that’s difficult for most women to contemplate.

But Hill says that if a woman takes the time to truly examine her relationship and considers Mother Nature’s unerring spell on men’s libidos, she might realize that letting her boyfriend or spouse know she’s OK with him having sex elsewhere is a logical way to prevent him from doing it in secret.

“I think that cheating men are normal,” says Hill. “Monogamous men are heroes. Monogamy does have a place in relationships, but not on the long-term. Men are hard-wired to betray women on the long-term.”

“Men need to get their rocks off,” says Hill. “If a woman crosses her legs for any length of time and doesn’t arrange some sort of alternative for her man, he is going to cheat on her.”

By alternatives, Hill is referring to her idea of “negotiated infidelity.” That shouldn’t be confused with an open relationship, which to Hill “has no rules.” Nor does it imply that it’s necessary that a wife allow her husband to hop into bed with whomever he chooses — unless of course she’s OK with that. Hill says negotiated infidelity could mean hubby makes a trip to the local strip club for the occasional lap dance or updates his porn collection.

Well, the big news here is that I am a hero. Because, like Bryan Allain, I think negotiated infidelity is a crock. The idea that men are incapable of saying no to their naturally occurring libido is stupid. Maybe I’m obnoxiously chivalrous, or maybe I have some sort of bionic self-control over Mother Nature, but the idea that monogamy is somehow heroic — and overwhelmingly unnatural — is news to me.

I am bigger than my natural urges.

You know what’s natural? My urge to sleep when I’m tired. I need sleep. NEED it. I cannot function without some regular pillow time. This need is hard-wired in me. But because of my super-powers, I am somehow able to control not only when I fall asleep, but where. And with whom. Without fail, it’s at midnight, in my bed, alongside my wife. How is this even possible? Why am I not wearing tights and a cape?

And you know what else is natural? My urge to use the restroom. I need to do this. NEED it. Sometimes, after a few cups of coffee, I need to go REALLY bad. Unless I’m camping, though, I always ALWAYS find the self-control to void my bladder in the right place, at the right time. Apparently my ability to fight the natural impulse to urinate makes me a demigod of some sort. Where is my mask? My utility belt? My codpiece?

After 15 years of marriage, and on behalf of happily married and monogamous men everywhere, let me assure you that it is indeed possible for a man to not stray.

Lest this sound too self-congratulatory, I assure you that I’m not a perfect man or a perfect husband or a perfect father. Pride goes before a fall, as the proverb
says, so it’s healthy for me to keep the over-confidence under control
as well. I could mess up. I have to realize that, should I find myself in the wrong situation, straying
from my wife is always possible. Because I admit this, I try stay away from wrong situations.

Maybe it’s my avoidance of strip clubs, or solitary travel, or Las Vegas, but somehow I’ve found a way to be faithful to my wife and family, without having to resort to a mistress, lap dances, or a porn collection. Evidently this makes me something rare in the eyes of Holly Hill.

Holly Hill is wrong. I am monogamous not because I’m super-virtuous, but because I’m not an animal. I’m not ruled by my urges. I’m not a baboon, unable to resist the natural desire to
procreate with every warm female body that comes along. That’s why I don’t scratch
myself constantly either, or throw feces at my competitors.

Call it old-fashioned monogamy, or responsibility, or an abundance of caution. Call me weirdly committed to my wife. Call me too wrapped up in Christian morality.

But don’t call me heroic. There’s nothing heroic about being a grown-up.



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Comments read comments(23)
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Jonathan Chang

posted August 5, 2010 at 7:51 am


Yeah I was listening to this whole thing on the radio the other day. Even though men would maybe honestly love it if their wife let them do this, I’d just have to ask myself this. Would I be okay if the roles were reversed? Would I be mentally and emotionally okay if my wife was doing this? Of course not.
15 years??? We just had our 4 year anniversary the other day. Times flies when you’re sleep deprived, do dishes every night and have two kids.
nicodemusatnite.blogspot.com



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Your Name

posted August 5, 2010 at 8:31 am


Yes, for some of us, it is okay when the roles are reversed. My wife and I have been swingers for 15 years and our marriage is far happier and stronger than many (not all) of the monogamous people we know. It works because it’s open and equal, although we do know of situations as described by this author, usually in cases where one spouse has no sex drive or some medical condition that prevents it.



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Mr. Big

posted August 5, 2010 at 9:41 am


I don’t know… I had a moment of feeling pretty good about myself when she called me a hero. But you brought me back down to earth just as I was starting to think about who my sidekick would be.



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Lynn

posted August 5, 2010 at 10:13 am


My husband likes for me to be a little jealous. Makes him feel secure. At least, that’s what he told me.



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Josh Taylor

posted August 5, 2010 at 10:35 am


It’s natural for an alcoholic to drink alcohol. We should let him do it.
It’s natural for some men to beat their wives. Why not?
It’s natural for people to lie, cheat and steal their way to the top. Let’s give them a bonus!
Saying we should do something because it occurs naturally is the largest crock of crap I’ve heard. It’s self-justification for a lifestyle that people choose to pursue or have been convinced is correct despite clear evidence to the contrary.



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Your Name

posted August 5, 2010 at 10:38 am


Okay – for those who think it’s okay to answer the call to your wild urges by being unfaithful to your spouse. Realize if children are involved – it destroys marriages and families. My husband’s dad had an affair, left his wife and married the “other woman”. This devastated my husband and his brother. And as far as having sex with other people because your spouse may not be able to because of medical reasons – that is a very selfish as well as wrong reason. I’ve had legitimate reasons -like medical – and neither my husband nor myself would ever dream of being unfaithful. Yes we are Christians but we are committed to each other and we love each other enough to use self control. Besides there are ways to relieve the sexual tension without involving another person and I’ve yet to find something in the Bible stating that it’s wrong.



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Brandon Sneed

posted August 5, 2010 at 10:45 am


I dunno. Seems like it worked out pretty well for Tiger Woods.
Oh, wait….



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Nathan

posted August 5, 2010 at 11:39 am


Well written!
Nineteen years; one wife; same sexual partner; and yes it is the same person!!
I too was liking the idea of super hero status… but i’ll give it up; I guess…



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Jane Ann

posted August 5, 2010 at 12:17 pm


I think the best point you made in your entry is that you try and stay away from wrong situations. I think when people say “Oh, I would never do that..”, they aren’t being honest with themselves. Being a person that told myself that for years, I ended up in a “wrong situation” and had an affair. And no, I was not acting on “natural urges” – I was being selfish and hurt many people in the process.



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Kristian

posted August 5, 2010 at 12:42 pm


If a couple agrees to the terms of such thing, then that’s fine. There’s nothing morally questionable about it as long as it’s done openly with all parties fully aware of what’s going on and fully consenting to it.
I’d guess there aren’t many couples who would be completely okay with such situation, but that’s not the point. Those who are should feel free to do it.
I’m not comfortable with the way it’s set up above though. It’s like it was the wife’s moral obligation to be okay with infidelity. Perhaps we are hard-wired on some level not to be monogamous – we’re not that far apart from our common ancestry with apes – but that alone doesn’t make it justified in the current cultural environment.



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Steve

posted August 5, 2010 at 3:04 pm


I’m hard wired to steal what I want and kill people that get in my way! As long as I’m comfortable with that I should be free to do it. Infidelity has victims too you dolts, unknowing spouses and MY CHILDREN! (speaking from experience) IF it’s consensual then I guess it’s only the children, that’s o.k. *~*



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Lynn

posted August 5, 2010 at 7:11 pm


My father cheated on my mother. A lot. This had many profound negative effects on his six children (by two different wives). Some have made poor choices in spouses. Others are so unable to commit to a relationship long enough to get married.
While you may not have access to a cape, or even a codpiece, choosing to avoid situations that put you in a position to be unfaithful keeps you safe. Or at least as safe as you can be in the world today. And it makes you a hero to all children.



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Joel

posted August 5, 2010 at 8:12 pm


I believe that men have an instinctual drive to have sex with multiple partners. In antiquity, that was the most efficient way to ensure propagation of the species. But, one of the things that seperates us from the animals is our ability to reason and rise above our instincts. Ms. Hill makes us sound as if we’re no different than a stray dog, wandering the neighborhood looking for a female in heat. Unfortunately, there are too many men who fit Hill’s criteria to a tee. And, that’s sad.



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Roger

posted August 5, 2010 at 8:14 pm


Natural urges! My God! Wait till you’re as old as I am. and you’ll have to go every 15 minutes. Anyway, why should I go to all that trouble? I’ll just wait till I die, and then I’ll have virgins! And I just might croak early, cause I ain’t had any in quite a while.



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clasqm

posted August 6, 2010 at 5:04 am


People who strenuously deny their hero status are only protecting their secret identity …
“Is it a bird?”
“Is it a plane”
“No, it’s LittleFaithMan!”



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Meg

posted August 6, 2010 at 11:31 am


My situation isn’t one of “negotiated infidelity” (which is total crock that shows just how low the standards of behavior in this culture are sinking), but it is intended to address some of the flip sounding comments that minimize the impact of affairs on families.
One year ago on August 13 I discovered that my husband of nearly 6 years had become a practicing homosexual. I’d already suffered years of abuse in many forms and this betrayal of me and our three small boys was the final devastating blow. Not only was my husband completely unrepentant for his actions, but he told me that I deserved for him to cheat on me and he seemed to take great delight in the pain he caused me. On the day of the discovery I kicked my husband out of the house and the next morning I filed for divorce. Within a few days, I had his personal laptop analyzed and was horrified to see evidence that he had been flirting with and later purposefully moving towards homosexuality since the beginning of our marriage. In a nutshell, the entire marriage was a lie.
Affairs destroy everything, regardless of whether or not they’re as heinous as what my husband did. Anyone who says otherwise is simply selfish and wrong and has no business entering into marriage in the first place. The real victims of my husband’s infidelity have been my three little boys who will never have the experience of growing up in an intact family raised by their mother and father. Every child is entitled to that. Period. When you get married it’s no longer about you, the individual; it’s about the marriage partnership. And when children come along, it’s definitely not about you anymore. Your obligation is to keep the commitments and promises to your children.
Amen to men who do what’s right simply because it’s, well, right. In my opinion men like you ARE heroes, Jason. You are who little boys should want to grow up and be like one day. Sadly, boys see far too many examples of what not to become.



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Jason Boyett

posted August 6, 2010 at 11:36 am


@Meg:
Thanks for the kind words and especially for sharing your story. You’re right: I’m totally with you that marriage, in part, becomes a promise to your children when they arrive in your world. In lots of important ways, commitment isn’t about you, but about them — and any marriage that realizes this can be a better one as a result.



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Natja

posted August 6, 2010 at 12:39 pm


As a person in a poly relationship, I probably wouldn’t be considered a person who would naturally find this ‘negotiated infidelity’ thing a load of balls, but I do, I seriously do. Considering Holly Hill is also open in her relationship, it can’t all be about what ‘men’ need.
I just feel that she is using some modern and completely nonsensical jargon to get media exposure and the use of the word ‘infidelity; in the title is bound to cause a bit of a stir because of its negative connotations, fact is, if it is negotiated is ISN’T infidelity each word cancelled the other out, I can’t believe people are taken in by this. At the end of the day, she is in an open relationship and she slanders all open and polyamorous relationships by saying that they haven’t got any rules. How the heck does she know this? She just made it up.
Infidelity is a horrible thing, breaking trusts and bonds when ‘people’ (please note, not just men) just can’t say no to a small temporary thrill. An open relationship is where a couple decide that sex outside the relationship is allowed. You are in an open relationship Holly Hill. You are not fooling me.



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Evan

posted August 8, 2010 at 9:13 pm


This strikes a very deep nerve in a lot of relationships. A lot of men want to see other women do not want to “cheat” on their wives. A lot of women who want to see other men do not want to “cheat” on their husbands. And men or women are not hardwired to fail.
A more fundamental issue raised here is the limitations that relationships have and what happens when those limitations prevent the limited partner from fulfilling the other party and the other person is left unfulfilled. If one’s wife (or husband) becomes uninterested, physically distant in his or her spouse, the spouse that is not getting the attention has needs that are unmet. So how should those needs be met? If the unfulfilled spouse finds someone else to pay him or her some attention, the distant spouse is not being “cheated” or losing out of anything that he or she wants. If the unfulfilled spouse remains unfulfilled, is suffering quietly a better option. This “negotiated” infidelity is better understood as one way of dealing with the frailty and limitations of human relationships. Stereotyping men and women is not helpful or constructive.



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Headless Unicorn Guy

posted August 9, 2010 at 12:58 pm


Holly Hill, her book, and her ilk are what push me in the direction of Shari’a. Because if that’s what women are like, the only way to make sure a wife stays faithful is Strict Shari’a. And you don’t dare remove the halal slaughter knife from her throat or she WILL betray you.
It’s a matter of trust. Or lack of it. Or what you get for being a lethal mutation who DOES pair-bond for life while belonging to a species that can only screw like Bonobos.



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Priapus

posted August 24, 2010 at 10:55 am


No, Jason, you’re not a hero. And you might not be a hypocrite.
I just finished Holly’s book, and, while I have my own criticisms, I think she’s touching on a very important point. People (not just men) in our current society and, I believe, previously, need more than one partner. This need applies to the sexual, social, intellectual and spiritual aspects of our beings. It’s naive to believe that one person can supply everything we need, or that we can be the be-all and end-all for another.
That being said, a loving, stable relationship is the key to a fulfilled life, and the paradox between these two truths is what Holly’s getting at in her book. In her book, she takes five lovers, I think, and each of them is committed to his marriage, but needs, for different reasons, an outlet for his intellectual, sexual and emotional needs. And the interesting thing about Holly’s treatment of this is that she takes it beyond sex (In fact, I was surprised at how little sex this book contained.)and focuses on the needs that drove these men to seek a mistress for hire.
As the husband in an open marriage of 23 years, I can say that relaxing the boundaries and discarding the hypocrisies have brought my wife and me much closer than we were during our monogamous time. As we watch our friends’ marriages disintegrate as they move through their forties and fifties, ours keeps getting stronger and more loving. But it takes courage and confidence, in both you and your mate, to explore this avenue. It’s definitely not for everybody.
So go ahead and bash Holly if you’d like, but I hope her book reaches its intended audience and has the effect she anticipates – that couples will start to re-evaluate the ground rules and boundaries of relationships in our contemporary culture. I mean, come now, does anybody really care if Tiger or Jesse James or whoever the cheating celeb of the week is steps out a bit? Holly’s approach is holistic and respectful of both parties. Read her book before you bash her.
And “Unicorn guy”, I hope you’re joking. Joking or not, you’re repulsive.



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Priapus

posted August 24, 2010 at 10:56 am


No, Jason, you’re not a hero. And you might not be a hypocrite.
I just finished Holly’s book, and, while I have my own criticisms, I think she’s touching on a very important point. People (not just men) in our current society and, I believe, previously, need more than one partner. This need applies to the sexual, social, intellectual and spiritual aspects of our beings. It’s naive to believe that one person can supply everything we need, or that we can be the be-all and end-all for another.
That being said, a loving, stable relationship is the key to a fulfilled life, and the paradox between these two truths is what Holly’s getting at in her book. In her book, she takes five lovers, I think, and each of them is committed to his marriage, but needs, for different reasons, an outlet for his intellectual, sexual and emotional needs. And the interesting thing about Holly’s treatment of this is that she takes it beyond sex (In fact, I was surprised at how little sex this book contained.)and focuses on the needs that drove these men to seek a mistress for hire.
As the husband in an open marriage of 23 years, I can say that relaxing the boundaries and discarding the hypocrisies have brought my wife and me much closer than we were during our monogamous time. As we watch our friends’ marriages disintegrate as they move through their forties and fifties, ours keeps getting stronger and more loving. But it takes courage and confidence, in both you and your mate, to explore this avenue. It’s definitely not for everybody.
So go ahead and bash Holly if you’d like, but I hope her book reaches its intended audience and has the effect she anticipates – that couples will start to re-evaluate the ground rules and boundaries of relationships in our contemporary culture. I mean, come now, does anybody really care if Tiger or Jesse James or whoever the cheating celeb of the week is steps out a bit? Holly’s approach is holistic and respectful of both parties. Read her book before you bash her.
And “Unicorn guy”, I hope you’re joking. Joking or not, you’re repulsive.



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WifeandMom

posted May 25, 2012 at 6:40 am


My first husband and I after 12 years of marriage tried something we called “The French Paradigm.” We both naively took lovers thinking we could compartmentalize and keep our family intact. Disaster. Although, looking back, the marriage was rocky anyway, this was the kiss of death. The powerful emotions of jealousy, anger, competitiveness, and fear are not to be underestimated when partners veer from the marital bond and start sleeping with others. It’s a force of nature that destroys the bond in the marriage. This author Holly has since publicly admitted she was WRONG as she completely unravelled when SHE was on the receiving end of her beloved boyfriend sleeping with other women. It drove her to the brink, and she is now openly PRO-MONOGAMY!



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