(Scene: The bridge of the USS Enterprise. The crew is at their stations doing their jobs as the ship approaches an enormous astrological birth chart. KIRK sits in the command chair while DR. MCCOY stands beside him, looking at the main viewscreen. At the Science Station, SPOCK gazes into his viewer intently.)
KIRK: (V.O.) Captain’s Log, stardate 2017.5. We are examining the birth chart of a science fiction franchise from 20th Century Earth to determine why a normally huge money-maker for the studio appears to be floundering while other, less well-known entertainment brand names are making a fortune.
MCCOY: Are we sure this is the right birth chart? It’s a little different from what I’ve seen elsewhere. Star Trek was “born” in Halifax? Canada?
SPOCK: This is the correct chart. The research methods by which it was determined are impeccable, contrary to what is generally accepted. Furthermore…
MCCOY: You did your homework Spock, we get it. You’re a walking computer.
SPOCK: It is illogical to accept what is called “common wisdom” when the data does not support it.
KIRK: Gentlemen, please. This is no time for your patented bickering to establish your characters. One of popular fiction’s most beloved titles is floundering and we need to find out what the problem is. A new series called Star Trek: Discovery has been in the works for over two years now. It was originally supposed to have aired in early 2017 but has been postponed twice. What possible force could be holding it back?
SPOCK: Perhaps the rumors of uncertainty about the new series from the network, and question marks around the potential profitability of CBS Direct — the Netflix-style service CBS wants to launch with the new series as its main draw — have some validity.
MCCOY: Star Trek had its 50th Anniversary last year, and the studio hardly made a peep… only the fans seemed to pay any attention. Can you imagine what will happen when Star Wars has its 50th Anniversary? You’ll be hearing about it eleven months in advance.
KIRK: Something like this happened in 1977-1978, when transiting Neptune was square Star Trek’s natal Sun-Uranus-Neptune conjunction. Paramount was trying to launch its own TV network, with a new Star Trek series as its flagship program.
MCCOY: That plan floundered of course, but resulted in Star Trek: The Motion Picture, which was released in 1979.
SPOCK: …At which time transiting Neptune was square Trek‘s natal Uranus-Neptune, and the show was having its Saturn Opposition. because of this Saturn-Neptune alliance, the film itself wasn’t considered a great success, but with some re-tooling Star Trek became one of the most successful entertainment franchises in history. Fascinating.
MCCOY: So sure… sometimes good things can come from times of adversity.
KIRK: No one’s questioning that, Bones. What we need to know is: what should the people in charge of Star Trek do about all this?
SPOCK: The logical conclusion is that the original birth chart for Star Trek has been undergoing its Saturn Square for the better part of a year now, and transiting Neptune is opposite the show’s natal Sun. Those transits naturally lead to a combination of difficult outside circumstances (such as the problems with CBS Direct) and a general lack of direction. Therefore, those in charge of Star Trek should take their time with assembling the new show until the Saturn transit is finished — which unfortunately won’t be until early 2018 — as opposed to… I believe the Earth saying goes, “pulling something out of their ass.”
MCCOY: There you go talking about “logic” again, when we live in a world where Transformers: The Last Knight opens next month. Can’t we just load up some photon torpedoes and blow Saturn up or something?
KIRK: You’re forgetting the Prime Directive, Doctor.
MCCOY: I know… “you can change your actions because of the transits, but you can’t change the transits.”
KIRK: So, what do we do in the meantime? (long pause) Just wait? (long pause)
MCCOY: Hey, has anyone here seen that new Guardians Of The Galaxy film yet?
KIRK: Mr. Sulu, set course for the nearest IMAX, warp factor six!