Oh My Stars

matthew currie astrology compatibilityImagine for a moment you’re an astrologer seated in front of your new clients… a couple who have just recently gotten together, and are still starry-eyed for each other. They want to know if their birth charts have what it takes to make the relationship work. Their names are Paul (08/27/1964, 8:31 AM, Toronto, Canada) and Karla (05/04/1970, 12:20 AM, Port Credit, Canada).

He looks at you with the clear-eyed gaze you’d expect from his Virgo Rising, yet with a certain friendly charm coming from his Jupiter-Ascendant trine. She seems sweet and affectionate… a classic Taurus woman, with the gorgeous cheekbones provided by her Capricorn Rising.

You note that she’s a Taurus and he’s a Virgo… we’re off to a good start. Their moons are conjunct too… and thus your enthusiasm for the compatibility of these two people is starting to increase. You note that her Venus and Mars are in Gemini, whose ruler is in Taurus. His Venus and Mars are conjunct in Cancer… even though there no aspect between his and her conjunctions, this is still good news: they both have high sex drives, and the rulers are well placed.

The more you look at the two charts, the more you notice their synastry has a lot of happy looking trines, and the squares are easily missed in the rush of Young Love sitting before you. Everybody loves that sort of thing. Good looking people, made better looking by the flush of Love. So, perhaps having been made a little cynical about “perfect couples” over the years of your practice, you pull out the composite chart. And you gasp in surprise. What looked good in the synastry looks even better in the composite chart.

“Wow!” you exclaim, “What a composite chart! There’s just so much positive here… where do I start?” More often than not, being an astrologer means delivering tough news to your clients. This reading, however, looks to be one of those cases where the news is overwhelmingly positive. Enthusiastically, you plunge in.

“Well, let’s see… the ruler of your Fourth House is conjunct Pluto, and it’s in the Tenth… you too are going to have a really unusual but fierce sense of family.”

(Paul Bernardo always had a thing for Karla Homolka’s little sister Tammy. Karla didn’t like that, but she loved Paul, so she decided to give Tammy to him as a Christmas present. On December 23, 1990, Karla spiked Tammy’s drink with crushed Valium, and once Tammy went to bed, she helped a little more, pressing a cloth soaked with Halothane to her little sister’s face. They both raped Tammy in the basement, and filmed it. Tammy began vomiting and choked to death on it without regaining consciousness.)

“All those planets in the Eighth House ought to make for an excellent sex life. And the ruler of your Twelfth House is in the Eighth… you two should have a great fondness for “sneaking around’ for secret little rendezvouses …”

(Paul and Karla dressed Tammy’s corpse and put it back to bed, and stayed up vacuuming and doing laundry half the night while Tammy was pronounced dead at the hospital.)

“The Eleventh House ruler is Mercury, which is in turn ruled by the composite Moon in the Eighth House. You two will probably have a lot of fun planning little get-togethers with friends and co-workers.”

(On June 7th, 1991, Karla invited a fifteen year old former co-worker over for a couple of drinks mixed with Halcion. Once the girl had lost consciousness, Karla called Paul to let her know she had a surprise engagement present for him. They both sexually assaulted the unconscious girl, and again videotaped it.)

“Moon in the composite Sixth House means you two should have excellent work habits and ability to plan out and execute projects together.”

(June 15th, 1991: eleven days after her fifteenth birthday, Paul picked up Leslie Mahaffy and drove her back to his house. Karla joined in, and they did the same things — this time holding the girl for about 24 hours before murdering her. The cement block they put her dismembered body into washed up on the shore on June 29th, 1991 — at about the same time Paul and Karla were riding in a horse-drawn carriage at their storybook wedding.)

With Scorpio Rising, and Neptune in the composite First House, you two will have a really “dreamy” effect on people when you show up together. You might be good at a joint sales project, or… with Mercury trine that Neptune… working together to persuade others.”

(April 16, 1991: Paul and Karla abduct Kristen French at knife-point. Same story as before, except this time the rape and torture lasted for three days before Kristen’s murder. Paul and Karla were careful to make sure Kristen was dead in time for them to attend Easter Dinner with their parents.)

The happy couple takes this all in, smiling and nodding. They leave hand in hand, and you smile, pleased that your work is done and you’ve made nice people happy about their lives.

That, and it’s nice to have a break from bad relationships for once.

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