Beginner's Heart

Beginner's Heart

self-love and the Golden Rule -

kuanon & self loveMost religions have a version of the Golden Rule: love others as you love yourself. Treat others as you would be treated. Do unto others as you would be done by. Here’s the catch: It means ZIP if you don’t love yourself. Respect yourself. Treat yourself with kindness.

And another ‘secret’: most of us DON’T treat ourselves as we would a friend. We say mean things to ourselves (you are SO fat! how STUPID are you?? what were you THINKING??). Hurtful things we would never utter to a friend. Maybe not even to someone we didn’t like!

One of the (many) reasons I think of myself as a Unitarian Universalist is that Universalists believe NO ONE goes to hell. Not even… Hitler! Because if people can forgive (and in this case? Think of Sister Prejean — Dead Man Walking — for an example of saintly forgiveness), surely an omnipotent One is capable of even more. Of maybe even wiping clean the evil and beginning w/ a clean heart. Who knows?

I have no idea what went on in Hitler’s mind, or what goes on in the mind of a man who would pull a pink headband off the head of a 2-year-old boy, and swear at the boy and his mother. A minor evil, certainly, compared to the evil overlord, but still evil. But I can forgive a man so threatened by homophobia that he takes it out on a toddler, even as I wonder what the heck is wrong with him.

But can I forgive myself the many times I’m unkind? The many days I’m tired and cranky, and snap at my damn-near-perfect husband? How about times I explode at politicians, and ersatz religious leaders who advocate hate & hostilities? Because if I can’t forgive myself for these infractions, as a friend told me recently: they will work themselves inside you, and you will see them everywhere.

Since I DO — waaay too often! — I am resolved again to work harder. Be it resolved: I will treat myself more kindly.

That does NOT mean I will lower my standards, however. Just that I won’t beat myself when I (inevitably!) fail ~

no comment -

snoopy no response to angerI’m working on it, Snoopy. Trying to remember that putting what’s important to me ‘out there’ (out here?) doesn’t mean I have to engage to people who aren’t respectful in their responses.

But sometimes I’m the one who forgets to be respectful. Right now, I’m seething over the Texas state school board’s decision to load the textbook committee with creationists. Which means — since Texas has a huge textbook market, and drives the output of many textbook publishers — that evolution may have a hard time in upcoming science (& other) textbooks.

I’m breathing sloooowly, inhaling my anger at what this will do to the futures of an entire state’s children. Exhaling balance, since I don’t see this as a peace-maker possibility. When people have strong faith, they are not (usually) willing to discuss. Much less compromise. At least here in Oklahoma, ‘discussing’ evolution vs. creationism means I want you to agree with me. And as I confessed, I’m often one of the guiltiest…

It’s hard for me to understand how people can believe the earth is only 10,000 years old. And yes, I realise that creationists believe in a literal reading of Genesis. But not one of the creationists I know reads the REST of the Old Testament literally. The women don’t wear long hair. The families don’t keep kosher. And all the other ‘laws’ of the Old Testament we have (rightfully) decided don’t belong in the 21st century.evolution tree

What happens to faith if we believe in metaphor? Because if we don’t, sooo much of science is problematic. Which may account for why only about 1/3 of scientists believe in God. But that’s a misleading number: more than half (51%) believe in God/ a universal spirit/ a higher power. That’s not bad, given that scientists aren’t much on ‘faith,’ but want ‘evidence.’ :)

I do believe in something. But I don’t name it. And I don’t quantify it. Nor do I think whatever is behind everything — Buddha nature? — is, ultimately, ‘know-able.’ I’m a human speck, for cryin’ out loud! How on earth — or in heaven — can I expect to understand what made everything that was/ is/ shall be possible??

But you know what? I’m okay with that. I just wish I could articulate it — politely — in a way that convinced folks I know what I think. Because I’m really not interested in changing. Any more than they are! :)

the arts, public funding, and redemption -

violinI’m fairly certain that my son’s violin was the reason he stayed in school. That and orchestra. Oh, and photography, later. And maybe the Simpsons Club, during free period. In other words, not academics.

Not English, per se, nor science nor math nor history (although he liked history, and turned me on to Jared Diamond, whom he read in class). But he probably has his high school diploma — and not a drop-out’s lack of future — because the arts kept him interested & engaged.

Me? Books saved my life. Writings by a French Algerian Jewess, who helped me see that being outside sometimes gave one the best perspective… A novel by a Belgian lesbian, writing about how homophobia shaped her middle years. Women you would think I have little in common with. And not all of it ‘art’; some of it is better classified as humanities, for the entymology of Fabre, or the aeronautics of Beryl Markham.

That’s what the arts & humanities do. They  redeem our darker selves. They create light in those dim spaces, or rafts in swirling water. They can even help us believe. humanities

Just yesterday someone asked me for texts on Buddhism — beginning overviews, introductions. One of my favourites is Robert Hass‘s The Essential Haiku. A collection of haiku by famous Buddhist masters — Bashō, Buson, and Issa — the anthology is an immersion course in Zen mind. Better than any textbook I could recommend. That’s another thing the arts do — immerse you in an experience.

Music is the best example of a sea change. There is music I can listen to, if I’m blue, and the haze over my world lifts. My internal weather clears, and I can breathe again. Other music is perfect to grieve to. And of course don’t forget time travel. What takes you backwards like a song from some important period of your life?

So when I hear that the U.S. House is voting to cut funding for the National Endowment for the Humanities, I think of what the Oklahoma Humanities Council does to bring the arts & humanities to rural Okies. Its Museum on Main Street program, for instance, or Roots Music. Our state is a poor state, and without federal partner money — provided through the OHC — small rural Oklahoma communities couldn’t afford for the Smithsonian to bring an exhibit to towns you’ve never heard of.

And yet the talk in the Capitol is that this is an elitist program, funded for intellectuals. Or pointy-heads, as we often call them. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

imageIn April OHC monies paid for books for the women attending a Women in Recovery program in Tulsa. These are women w/ very little education, too often. Many don’t have high school diplomas, and are working towards their GEDs. They have drug problems, but are working hard to re-enter the ‘outside’ as women with skills, who can pay taxes. We met to talk autobiography. A partnership among Women in Recovery and the OHC (using NEH $$) and the George Kaiser Foundation provides books given to the women in the program, and a facilitator is invited to the centre for an evening of dinner and conversation. In this way, women who are rarely ‘insiders’ in the best sense of the word join a state-wide conversation, ‘Let’s Talk About It, Oklahoma,’ the read & discuss program.

While I doubt that any of the women in the class underwent imagea profound change (staying in school, or reevaluating their lives) as a result of reading the book or the subsequent conversation, I do think that every book we read enters into us. And every experience with the art enriches – enlarges — our lives.

The arts & humanities are an integral part of beginner’s heart. Really. Each  encounter with beauty, with learning, grows us. And everyone in America — not only those in large cities, or with money — deserves to have access to them both. Next time someone parrots the bogus info that the NEH is just for rich people with weird tastes, tell them about the importance of a violin and orchestra class for a high school boy. Or the necessity of music funding in a small town in Oklahoma. The impact of discussions on medicine in a hospital. Isn’t it a better use of our $$ than another leaky pipeline? :)

 

grown-up sons and baby boys -

N holding Trin at graduation 2When your own baby — never mind that he has two master’s degrees, is happily married, and moving all the way across the country — has a baby, it’s weird.

Wonderful, but weird. Just sayin’. There’s a kind of disconnect: baby/ son/ son-as-father/ son-once-was baby… It’s kind of a strange loop. And yes, I did say it’s also wonderful.

My grandson looks very little like the downy-headed baby my first-born once was, so that’s not it. My grandson’s eyes are dark pools, like the night sky. Not brown so much as darkness. My son’s were the dark gentian blue of dreams.

No, the weird comes from this thing called ‘time passing.’ It’s not that my grandson evokes my son. What happens is that I have come unstuck from the gravity of time. Its field no longer contains me, and I float between the baby that was then, and the father who is now. You know how our grandparents used to say time flies? Well, apparently it has. Flown. Because no way is that little boy w/ the wide blue eyes the father of this little baby with the wide dark ones.blue sky mind

As for beginner’s heart’s place in all this confusion? Remembering — once again — how ephemeral it all is: life, love, childhoods. I reach out for the clouds sometimes, before I remember: the clouds come & the clouds go. Only the sky remains. And sometimes, if you are very lucky, the blue sky also holds a grandson. Nothing like his father, really. Except for being perfect. And ever-changing. Like beginner’s heart…?

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